“Why don’t you trust adults/authority figures?”
When I was 13 I was deeply worried about my best friend, she had an eating disorder and self h@rmed
At one point I decided I would talk to the vice principal about it, cause I was worried and she was also getting bullied bc ppl found out and earlier those years she also came out.
When I told her, mind you she’s still a woman I have fond memories of and was really sweet and nice to me, but when I told her she downplayed basically anything and also put blame on my friend bc “she didn’t try to hide anything”
Later that week I was called out of the classroom cause they called a psychologist for my friend and it was also kind of embarrassing.
At the time I already had various ideation thoughts, both regarding SH and ED, also due to that one friend and what I learned was that no one would give enough of a fuck about it. Ironically not even her, one of my first “abusers” in a way.
I loved her, as a friend and later I also had a bit of a crush on her, but she would continuously cry to me about her weight whilst she was already like 50 pounds less than me. So I also learned my best friend and the girl I liked would never want to look like anything remotely close to me.
I had many SH thoughts already by the time I was 13, it was an instinct whenever I was sad, to think of how angry I was to everyone and how they’d feel once I’d be gone. My classmates became aware of my tendencies but it simply became another reason to make fun of me, aside from my looks and everything else I had.
I remember eating some chips during a party in our classroom, cause school was about to end.
And a kid, with whom I had a bit of a rocky relationship bc he would go from bullying me to be actually caring, started commenting on how I chewed.
I became hyper aware of something else.
Even later that year we went on a trip with our school, the place where we were staying didn’t have any bathroom keys and I just needed to take a damn shower.
A group of girls, along with that same kid, forced the door open while I was even trying to hold it closed, he would then see me naked and go tell the other boys about my breasts.
At least he then pretended it never happened in front of my main bullies when I fucking begged him not to tell them.
Then I wonder why I was looking for attention from older men on the internet.
Just a little diary entry, I intend to edit my account and create a vent one more specific
