i don’t like who i was then // another sad boy post
i have no idea where i’m going with this
in just three weeks since college started, i already feel so much change in me just like i wanted. it’s been humbling, having to interact with peers who seem like they are intrinsically better than you in every way. i’m taking on countless responsibilities, inside and outside of campus, and it feels refreshing to know i’m actually working towards something. it’s hard but it’s also very character building. i remember myself at 16, staying up after midnight, sick of the monotony, wondering when my life would take off, and then suddenly it feels like it actually is. even though this is only just the beginning, i already feel more content than i was before. i’m moving mountains i once had to climb, and this should be a good thing, but i don’t feel good at all.
i say this in every self-absorbed post i write; until now, i hated the boy i was. but he had a life and he had friends, and i miss all of them. i had a support system and people to drink, talk shit, and be happy with, and you’re not here anymore. i finally have a glimmer of the progress i always wanted, but no one to run back to with it.
what scares me more is i know this isn’t going to last. i’m not sure how long i can feign this illusion and play the role of stable, progressive, responsible extrovert when i know it’s not who i am. i do think i’m doing okay though. i swear you could never tell that i’m hollow.
this reminds me of a conversation i had with an old friend over lunch. it was the first time we had seen each other since last summer, and i appreciated that she was just as scared of the future as i was at the time. i felt like i wasn’t alone in my insecurities. she confided in me about how scared she was of losing herself in everything that was happening, and to my own surprise, i told her i was the exact opposite: i was willing to give myself to life. for whatever reason i can sense in these halls the promise of a better person than who i was. and that’s why i don’t mind letting this all shape me. i think that’s where we’re different; she knows exactly who she is and she believes in that enough to hold on to it. i can’t say the same for myself.
i know i’m beyond privileged to have this life i lead, and that’s just it. i’m scared to death of not making the most of it when i’ve already wasted so much. i feel the never ending urge to do something, anything i feel is worth doing, just so i’m not a complete waste. i’m obsessed with making sure my existence is justified and validated, a goal i’m not sure i’ll ever reach. i want to feel like i have a reason to be here, and i want people to see that and actually appreciate me for it. i don’t want to waste any more of this life, and that’s just it; i’m an optimist in the worst way possible. i want to do and i want to be, if i could just manage not to fuck it up for once.
