I am multifaceted
I can be multifaceted.
Read Ted Chiang’s Exhalation and came to the realization that time is not infinite.
I feel like the Internet has given me the illusion that it is not. Everything i want and can have is always within reach, as long as I am online. But it is not. Everything I have, including time and illusion, is always elusive.
Also questioning myself, if i am preparing for my death, what kind of legacy do I want to leave as my exhalation? It is not in the things i consumed. The music I listen, the books I read, the movies and shows I watch. But it will be in the things I have created. For this reason, I have to publish. I have to publish my research, my songs and my stories. Only then can I rest in peace, and sleep well at night.
Perhaps this is the source of my anxiety. The knowing that life is finite, yet i’m living like it is not. And i know my legacy also remains in the people I love and the relationships I forge. So from here my life should be crystal. I actually have and have consumed enough in 30 years. It is time to create and to write.
The irony is that, i am trapped here on this island yet i am also free from the world. The wants and materialism of worldly concerns. Sometimes also free from the buzz of the internet. Sometimes I think to myself I could live without all these. Yet sometimes I succumb to them.
The weakness of my body and mind are like the tides of time. Sometimes I bob along? But perhaps i should stand my ground.
I napped yesterday afternoon and i slept better last night. Maybe sometimes we listen to our body. Maybe sometimes we go against our instincts and stop fighting. Maybe sometimes we pause.
2020.04.25
