There were times were I was gaslighting myself when people choose to leave.
Maybe I did something to offend them, or something to anger them, or disappoint them. Maybe I'm attracting temporary people because I don't know what I want, or maybe because I'm too gullible for my own sake.
But after thinking about it, I learned to embrace the solitary moments of my life and accepted the reality that no matter how much we want for people to stay, how many reasons we give them, how much love we pour out, if they're not meant to stay and if they choose not to, they won't stay.
It took me years to finally understand this. When I was in first grade, I experienced losing friends for no apparent reason. Then that trend continued until I reach highschool. I was even questioned by an adult by gaslighting me and saying, "maybe you're the problem".
That statement actually went deep into my mind thinking that I am the problem and that I should always be the "yes" type of person.
Not until college days, I've realized that I've had enough of being a push over. When I started letting my voice out, people started calling me two-faced or the black sheep.
It's actually quite freeing. By then, I can say that I've accepted people as they were, not what I want them to be. Disappointments were no longer part of my vocabulary because I never expected from people. I never think that they'll stay.
I guess people call this trauma. And because of that, I have this big wall around me around people. I have trust issues simply because I've already lost a huge part of me when I was a kid.
Promises are made to be broken. People will come and go, and you have no say in that.
Maybe that's the reason why when my last ex bf asked for a break up and the only thing I said was, "Okay".
All throughout the years, I promised myself that I'm also valuable and special. Therefore, I won't beg for people to stay if they want to leave. Heck, I'll even hold the door for them.
You see, in my years of living in this world, I find that majority of people in our lives are temporary. If they really want you in their life, they'll try to give back the efforts you're putting into the relationship. I'm not just pertaining to love between couples, but in general.
When my efforts are not being reciprocated, I let go. Why? Because I don't like chasing people or begging for affection. After I give it several chances and it still doesn't work, I let go.
I guess, I learned throughout these years how to value myself so much despite having traumas growing up. People are indeed scary. There are parts of me that I have never told any soul, well maybe my dog but that's about it.
Trust is such a fragile thing. For someone with trust issues, and you choose to broke mine, I'm never giving it back. Once is enough. So if you have the chance, treasure it. I live by that as well, maybe that's the reason why I treat people like that. If I'm good to you, I hope you are to me too, but if you're not, okay. I guess that's how far this exchange will go.
I guess you can say that I'm a friendly person, but I only share things I want you to know. Underneath all the smiles and happy me, there's a person you never know. An alter-ego? Maybe.
I don't even know why I'm sharing this, but I guess, writing my thoughts here is a form of therapy for me, too.
Thanks for reading this random post. I hope you'll have a wonderful day ahead. Take care!
izzy806
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