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@stealyouawayforgood
Don’t lead someone on, if you’re just going to let them down.
Don’t let people believe you, if you’re only going to break that trust.
Don’t let someone imagine a future with you, if you’re only going to walk away.
Don’t show someone a life together, if you’re going to leave them all alone.
There's this guy in my mind. Sometimes I love him and would like to write poems about him. Sometimes I hate him for lingering in my mind and not in reality. Sometimes I could remember his face. Sometimes his face is a blur. Sometimes I reconstruct him in my mind. Sometimes I convince myself to stop thinking about him. Sometimes he is a source of motivation. Sometimes I hide from him when I saw him from afar. Sometimes I like the 'him' I created in my mind more than the real him. Sometimes I wish I could catch a glimpse of him. Sometimes I wish I would never see him again to spare me the pain of unrequited love. Sometimes I regret noticing him. Sometimes I wish I'm a guy so I could be his friend. Sometimes I wish to dream of him at night. Sometimes I wish he likes me. Sometimes I fear he likes me. Sometimes I think this yearning is stupid. Sometimes I could not control myself. Sometimes I imagine he's in my life. Sometimes I could not imagine myself being completely seen.
All the time, I'm tired. Really tired of my one-woman show.
If you’re desperate for love, you’ll convince yourself to overlook red flags. You’ll excuse bad behavior & minimize your own needs just to have someone. When deep down, you know you’re settling. That’s what desperation does, it tricks you into believing crumbs are a feast
But when you’ve built a life you actually like & you’ve invested in yourself, created routines, friendships, passions and a sense of self worth, you’re no longer choosing out of lack. You’re choosing from a place of strength and clarity. You can actually look at a partner and ask yourself if they add peace, happiness and depth to the life you already love or if they take away from it
If you’re not afraid of being alone, you’re not rushing into situations that drain you. It means you won’t tolerate people who can’t meet you where you are. And it means the love you do accept will be real not just a bandage for loneliness
Build your life first. Make it so good that anyone who wants to be with you has to be a true addition, not a replacement for your own happiness
I would have bitten the curb for you, tasted the cement on my tongue, I would have walked over broken glass from busted trap house windows just to get into your backyard, I would have given you the last five bucks in my bank account and then robbed a bank at gun point if you handed me the weapon and a script for how to commit crimes like a saint, because why is your halo intact and mine is bent? It’s not that you, either one, wanted any of this, but this is just to say that my devotion was a sick sad thing, a cancer I didn’t want, a pathetic symptom of the dreamer, the lover, the damned, devotion sprouted like weeds in my spinal fluid, twisted around my throat, the main artery pulsing, squeezing just enough to remind me that I’m alive and I must breathe to continue …if you had just asked, I’d have been your puppet, your marionette and I would have tied the strings myself, I’d dance for you and pretended the tears in my lower lashes were from joy not shame, if you just gestured to your pain, the thing sitting in the corner of the room, I would have ripped it open at the throat, let the blood spray like rubies on my bare face, I’d do it just so you didn’t have to face it, only to look back and see you grab another can of cheap cold beer, snort a line, unbutton your shirt, tune your guitar… oh well, I’ll be here, dying on your thrifted cross, smiling about it, because for a moment your skin brushed mine when you hammered the nails into my palms, because for a moment we were so close enough I could have kissed your throat and you would have liked it, the steel nails entering my flesh had nothing on the way your eyes would meet mine, I must have reeked of loneliness, it’s a putrid thing to live for the love of others, my crown of thorns highlighted nothing but my vulnerability and shame… I was transparent to you, less than an apparition, even less than a ghost, I was an idea in a pair of thigh high red boots, a concept to be eaten out on the rug, while the turntable gave us a soundtrack for dying to, yeah maybe I’m crazy but you’re both brainless, more concerned about your reputation than anything I had to offer, and offer I did, slaughtered lambs, ordered rare British vinyls, paid for expensive dinners, eaten over the sink while we laughed at the shear absurdity of our time together, you played me like checkers, and let me win just enough so that I thought I was in control, you saw stars in the stucco ceiling, reeling from powders and pills, nudity and bite marks and you made a map of the places we would go, now I can’t tell you apart, two men, two pretty voices, two guitars being strummed over my naked body, oh lord, the rings of hell I pranced through just to fall asleep in some junkies arms, to feel the heat of another for just a night, to wake up to a breathing warm body in my usually empty four post bed, neither would care if I was dead or alive, hospitalized or at home, and still i say it nicely “what’s mine is yours” and the curb is in my mouth once more, because some people love the taste of cement when it means a hand to hold on to after they bust your face open with their work boots….
Catherynne M. Valente, from her novel titled "Deathless," originally published in 2011
i think we all just need to hear i love you’s and i miss you’s without needing to ask for it. whether it’s romantically or platonically.
need to suck his thumb while he slaps the shit out of me
I can’t stop thinking about kissing him again. It’s doing my head in. Every break through thought ends up with him and I kissing. I want to kiss him and keep kissing him and Urgh IVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT A KISS THIS MUCH what the hell!?!!??!!
After discussing for a good while, the day was finally here. He’d booked his tickets and was in London on a work visit. I was still working and had taken a sick leave during my night duty on calls to infact come down to meet him. I’ve never gone out my way so much for a guy. Took a three hour train journey down to London and spent two nights at my friends place j to see him for a day during his short trip.
It’s the first time we were meeting alone. I discussed it with A considering she was so concerned initially but she was pretty chill about it. I didn’t think much of it either. I wanted to plan our day together except I couldn’t considering how overwhelmed I was with work and how tired travelling actually made me. Still a regret of mine.
Nevertheless we planned to meet at Tower Bridge and somehow we got lost trying to find each other. And then we did. He was there in front of me. Face to face. In flesh. On a surprisingly cold September day. I was thanking myself for changing my initial outfit, the weather would’ve ruined my day. But he was there. Clean shaved, tall, quiet and present.
He showed me where he used to live during his time in London, and we walked around aimlessly and talked. We somehow ended up in Hyde Park and found a spot to light a spliff and sit down. I remember a very distinct urge of wanting to push him up against a wall to kiss him midwalk whilst we crossed an overpass. I had to mentally kick myself because HOW inappropriate would that be. We stopped for lunch at Nando’s and I picked up on the way he uses his knife and fork interchangeably - adorable. I didn’t want to say anything and make him self conscious so instead i smiled to myself and continued.
We wound up back at Tower Bridge. A nice long stroll along the Thames and we found ourselves in a restobar. Our phones were on the verge of dying. The drinks kept coming and he loosened up. Talked more, shared more, we even FaceTimed his sister and spoke to A. By the end of the evening, far too many drinks in - I did the most embarrassing thing ever and I mean EVER - without any thought I’d perched myself on his lap. I don’t know how I took the liberty, but I did. Im pretty sure he didn’t pay attention to a word of my rambling’s because by the time I realised the position we were in, his lips came crashing into mine. I kissed him back. Full. With passion. Not wanting it to stop. We kissed and kissed and then we kissed some more. Kissing on the sidewalk. Kissing on the tube. Smiling to each other. I could almost confirm there was more between us.
We walked 23k steps through the day. Not once did it hurt or make me want to complain. A day out in LDN I’ll never forget.
Something feels off. For absolutely no reason.
Im doing on call shifts as I type this. I came back from an absolutely exhausting day, horrible work load with horrible colleagues and poor referrals. I was already down bad when I got home. My mood was shit. I barely had time for myself today during my shift, let alone to respond to my texts. I gave him fair warning that I’d be busy this week because I’m on call but idk. I responded multiple hours later but not beyond his bedtime. He was awake. I’m sure he was.
As I was texting - they were received as double ticks. Something happened and they went into single ticks. My heart sank. I know it’s wrong to assume and I’m overthinking and operating out of trauma. But I can’t help it.
My most obvious thought process is “oh he has someone over or he’s with someone and he doesn’t want them seeing his notifications so he’s switched the data off or put it on airplane mode?”
I don’t want to insinuate because its all in my head at the moment but the notion is the same. And I reverted to a place of insecurity and absolute fear. I hate this feeling. I never want to feel this way with him if we ever take anything further. And whilst rn it’s irrational and unfair - I don’t care because my gut j senses something to be off. I’m right until proven otherwise.
Technically there’s nothing even here to feel so crap about. We text barely call and though I like it, he’s treated me no different to the guys in the group would. I’ve basically imagined this fictional world in my head and I’m reacting irl accordingly. I’m so stupid. SO STUPID. Urgh.
dick from a guy who worships me and thinks i’m the prettiest girl in the world
Shortly after A’s birthday. July 25th. His birthday. Also like discussed in my previous post, the day I finally ended my relationship.
We’ve been intermittently texting, I feel like there’s a pull. Idk why but I want to stay in touch with him. I want to ask him pointless things, just so he respond to me. That’s precisely what I was doing after his birthday. He must think I’m so sus if this is my behaviour whilst I’m in a relationship; but there’s so much he doesn’t know. I’m single as we speak but it feels wrong to let him know that right now.
It’s now three weeks later - my birthday. It was his turn to initiate conversation and call. I knew he would. If not because he cares, atleast for formality. He in fact texted me the day before :’) whilst he was at A’s house. He joined in on her FaceTime. Throwing up peace signs, smiling and singing. Honestly adorable. I hate it. I hate having a crush. At this point it’s safe to say I may have a little crush on him. He called me the next day when he was out and I said I’d call him back. We spoke again, this time for an hour. He picked up and said “ELLO MATE” and I cracked up laughing. I can’t even remember what we spoke about on that call, but time flew. Why does it feel so easy to talk to him? I remember telling him that I’m single but relieved and he apologised for asking. Urgh. Make these feelings go away. This is trouble for me. Romanticising someone who could possibly leave me devastated.
We’d not texted after that.
Things with my ex were worsening. No amount of meeting, talking and attempts at affection were helping this relationship. It was doomed to begin with. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that time can not force an attraction nor can it force a connection. Weighed down by my guilt, and shouldering the happiness of my family and his I was basically staying in a relationship that was never a source of happiness for me. Literally the main character of my life and i put myself second, yet again. My non confrontational self was finding it difficult to have the conversation that mattered most to me. We ended up going on a trip even and when i refused to post him holding up a rose, it caused more problems than constructive conversation. Since im being honest, i didnt want to post him because i was having conflicted feelings. I’ve realised that i can most definitely never be with a man that takes no initiative or consideration in regard to my feelings, my wants or needs - be it physical or emotional. My biggest assets are my loyalty and social skills. If you cant love me when my personality is loud then you dont deserve to see me vulnerable and quiet. It’s sad to highlight that this was the most sexually dissatisfying relationship I’ve been in and that’s saying a lot considering I’m a touchy, 24/7 horny mf. I love my kisses and if I’m not enjoying kissing you then this is going no where. Safe to say; we ended. Honestly the most relieved I’ve felt in a long time. It’s sad but good in the long run.
& funnily enough the relationship ended on his birthday. What a coincidence! I initially thought to text him to wish but ended up calling instead! I didn’t tell him on that day that things have ended. We spoke for about 47 minutes :3 so natural and free flowing, I can totally see myself being able to yap with him. Honestly shocked considering my ex couldn’t indulge in any sort of conversation, and this boy is so quiet yet he still found it in him to talk to me for so long :3 i feel like im looking for romance in anything and everything. I’ve a silent thing for him though, im curious about him.
Whoever I meet next, I want us to be devoted. I want us to be so sexually attracted that we can’t keep our hands of each other. I only want eyes for me. I want such solidarity and trust, I need a ride or die. I know all I have to offer, I just need someone to reciprocate that energy. I’m sure I’ll meet the right person eventually. Fingers crossed. J need to get over this goddamn crush.
A slightly complicated situation occurred that trip.
His sister, him and I had casually discussed whilst we were saying bye that Saturday night - the possibility of meeting again shortly before I leave the country to properly spend time and say bye. I thought I could put my questionable feelings aside and entertain them, j as friends. I love his sister, I truly do. I just can’t help that I’m attracted to her damn brother. She’d feel betrayed if she found out. Aaaaah. Anyways, I didn’t think we’d follow up, but they actively tried. My bestfriend was flying out the day we’d planned to meet, so she couldn’t make it. They still insisted and I welcomed them home. We talked, had coffee and snacks, garlic bread (in my room) - because I was paranoid about my maids seeing them. It was a short lived cute evening. Him sprawled across my bed with a pillow tucked under his ribs and his sister sat face to face from me is a sight that still remains plastered at the back of my eyelids. I could see him intermittently lose interest and go on to look around and inspect my room. Very cute indeed.
Little did I know it would turn out to be such a complicated mess. A was upset. She was upset they went behind her back when she’d verbalised she didn’t find it comfortable. A was upset I hadn’t told her immediately when in all honesty I was slightly worried about her reaction. I was confused, because she’s never reacted like this, she’s always been happy when her friends get along. I started to think maybe it was because of who they were? But even then.. she’s not like that? So confusing. She ended the call saying I can no longer have you guys around each other and it made me really sad. Sadder than expected. She basically belted me on the phone and proceeded to belt both siblings the following days to come.
They both continued to text me even after I left. They were confused about A’s reaction as was I and I just reassured them that she’ll come around. On a lighter note, she did come around.
I flew out the next day,
“Keep in touch…hoping to see you soon too x”
We texted quite casually back n forth for the days that followed until our conversation fizzled out. He suggested a series which I ended up really liking, kept me hooked and I texted him once I was done to say thank you - in my head, I was trying to force these weird feelings out to cultivate a friendship. Contemplating if my intentions were even being received correctly.
It j so happened that my bestfriends birthday was coming up. They were throwing a party and for the first time my parents were there too. I remember calling my mum to make sure she was comfortable, and ended up being passed around on FaceTime. I met everyone that day - except him. A part of me was so hopeful I’d get a glimpse of him on screen, but alas, I didn’t. Sigh. So. Gutted. Which is why I need to keep away!
He texted me after to say “…also I saw u on video call couple of nights ago when y’all were chatting, A was right there so I couldn’t say hi 😂”
Big sad ☹️
April seemed like a long time ago. His sister who had missed the entirety of the wedding, had meanwhile come back to MAA on summer holidays from uni. Once it was confirmed I’d be flying back for my parents and grandparents anniversary in June, I decided I would keep things hush and go a surprise my bestfriend. Her reaction was priceless :’) i honestly love her man.
I was occasionally thinking of him too. Not extensively j along the lines of if I would see him this time? Tbf the likelihood was higher because his sister was in town, but the guilt of using her like that was making me averse to the possibility. And truth be told, I would’ve made it a point to meet her even if he wasn’t there at all. My individual relationship with her is something I would actively sustain and put effort in. But anyways - this?! All whilst constantly kicking myself for even wanting to be in his presence when I’m in a relationship. Urgh. Wrong. Super wrong. And unlike me to ever morally cross the line. I would never. But gosh. He’s occasionally cropping up in my thoughts and driving me crazy.
He’s never flirted with me or looked at me for too long for me to even question the thought of him being interested. Tbh I’ve kept a safe distance as well. But I’ve always wondered. He’s the forbidden fruit. I can’t cave and fuck up the equilibrium of our friendship group. There’s so much I’d have to consider. Sigh. I know why I kept thinking of him though, my relationship was so dead I was looking for joy outside of it. I’m going to hell for this. I feel so guilty j thinking about him.
My bestfriend and I made plans. It was sort of said that him and his sister would join us. We’d texted to catch up on my last weekend in MAA and go out clubbing as a gang. They came home for the first time and we pre-gamed and had a fun night. Nothing out the ordinary. Honestly nothing flirty either. It was close to 3am when we’d stopped by our friends house to say bye. My brother was knocked out in the backseat by my side and out of nowhere he showed up. I didn’t expect it. But seeing him made my insides smile. He’d strolled over from his car, leaned in through the window to come say goodnight. To come see me again. I melted. I felt guilty for even feigning over him, but I couldn’t help but melt. The subtlety in his gestures were overwhelming. Am I reading into this??? I’m so confused.
Fast forward to 5ish months later. My bestfriends sister’s wedding. Which I attended with my now ex! (I know but that’s a whole other story) The first day of the wedding was the haldi. I attended it alone. I saw him but we barely spoke during the event. It almost felt like he forgot who I was. The lack of conversation was gutting.
Tbf he knew I was in a relationship by now, so he wouldn’t have even thought further. But still. I don’t know how to explain this. We did drive back together at the end of the night though, him and I sat in backseat (by chance) and I was making conversation with our mutual friend. We stopped for ice cream and only then could I truly appreciated his face in the light. He’s so cute. I’m sure he knows it. He’s seems so reticent and my curiosity was itching. That’s when I knew I needed to keep a distance. Which i did. I stayed to myself during the mehendi, the sangeet, the wedding and the reception. I saw him. He saw me. However that was all. He got along well with my ex and it annoyed me. He got along well with my brother and i found it sweet. All signs of why I needed to avoid him.
I didn’t make things too obvious though. The very few conversations I had were normal, not too formal but not giving away much. There’s no way anyone could tell I’d been thinking about him. Not even my bestfriend - and that says a lot.
He added me on Instagram that trip. April 2024. He texted asking me to send across the pictures and was smooth enough to get my number as well. I was squirming. I’ve not felt this way about a notification in a while. Another sign of why I need to keep away. I couldn’t even understand these feelings. I may have been fostering a crush and the temptation around him being forbidden could have been adding to it. But back to the story, I sent the pictures and that was that.
“Safe travels…hoping to see you next time you’re here. Take care x” No further conversation. No texts. I flew out the country and he stayed.
I was back to dealing with my relationship >< struggling to either see it through or find a way out.
