Here's to You

Aaron. FL, USA. I try to better myself every day.

[thestuntkid]

[aestum]

(by king_roberto)

[brutalgeneration]

(by Andrew Kodama)

[unit-02]

[blue---rain]

[yeah-yougotme]

[dsxsbx]

[archae-heart-deactivated2021012]

autumn in Vermont

[steedyy]

I spoke with Taylor about how I’ve been feeling lately.

It went better than I thought it would, but I always think the worst in my head. I told her first that I wanted to leave my job come December so I can finish my last semester of school. I feel inadequate not working much already and I know I’ll feel even more so not working at all, but at least I’ll be on campus 5 days a week.

Then I told her how I’ve felt and how long it might’ve been going on. I got a pamphlet from my micro teacher about therapy that the school offers and I’m going to make an appointment. I feel like I’m not worth much since I’m both not absolutely acing through school (which is kinda weird since I’ve never done that) and because I’m not working much, and when I work, I have a horrible day. Every time.

I hate all of this and I was pissed off out of almost nowhere because I’m in this position. I went to the gym right after I started feeling that way and I feel way better.

I’m so lucky to have her in my life. She’s so supportive and so understanding. She just asked me to be more open with her and she’s fully aware how difficult that is for me.

Here’s to moving forward.

[melindacarolinee]

[withwild]

Cloud View

[rob-walks-deactivated20210614]

[denvolnov]

[modernambition]

[anicklebittome]

🤣🤣

[steedyy]

I went to Cumberland Island with my old roommate, Nel, just last weekend. Woke up that morning, IBS in full flare-up, nauseous, didn’t eat or drink anything and then hiked 7+ miles with a 25lb backpack. Nel was a champ for that.

She wanted to do hammock camping, so I showed her how to set everything up properly. Don’t hate on how bad the rainfly is, it’s a horrible rainfly. My brother gave me some extra gear, including his old sleeping bag and backpack, so I gave those and more to Nel for her to use.

My legs are still sore and I need to do more cardio, but I had fun. It was just really far from just about everything, so I’m down to do a day trip there to see the ruins and explore the beach.

[steedyy]

Big update?

Why not.

In the past 2 years, I’ve: -Gotten my own apartment with a roommate that I stayed in for just under 2 years. -Continued school and actually did pretty well for a bit. -Almost quit working, just working a day or two a week so I could transition to full-time school, relying on financial aid. -Lost my financial aid due to “too many credits” because of all the paramedic courses I took beforehand. -Continued anyways because savings and stubbornness to get all of this done as quickly as I can. -Met an incredible woman and she and I currently live together.

I’m incredibly stressed out from school and I’ve learned that my natural response to school stress is to simply put it off because I seriously just plain don’t feel like dealing with it. And this is a huge problem, especially since this is the most demanding semester of my life.

I think I’m in the middle of another wave. I kept denying it earlier, but one way I know it’s here is by the surreal, weird, and sometimes obscene dreams I get, and I had one last night. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and haven’t seen anyone since I was 12 years old, so I call it my wave; it comes on slowly, then crashes on me, then goes away. The intervals can be unpredictable sometimes, but it has been quite some time since I’ve felt this way.

I think it’s a mixture of not feeling productive enough since I barely work and not doing as well in school as I’d like, especially with the cards I’ve been dealt. My girlfriend is working 5 days a week and is already set in her career. She tells me to never compare, but honestly, sometimes I can’t help but feel inadequate. How can I not feel that way when I’m not working full time and I don’t even blow away everyone in my schoolwork?

I’ll figure something out eventually. But for now, video games, my bros (and my girl), and honestly alcohol are what I’ve turned towards to help put a hold on things.