Step Dude

[stepdude]

I don't know what to say.  But that doesn't mean I don't care.

Step Dude

[stepdude]

The least important thing I'll ever do -- means more than the most important thing I'll ever say.

step-dude

[stepdude]

We need to be available. We don't need to "reach out," per se'. But when we're ready, we can make ourselves available.

Me, not all that confident

[stepdude]

We will make GIANT mistakes

1.  That's a part of the deal.

So we can stop feeling bad now. _____

2.  That's one of the reasons I've been so reluctant to get involved,

or to really try to pull anything out of the child of someone I'm dating,

or in a relationship with,

or engaged to,

or married to. _____

3.  I'm worried I'm going to screw up. _____

4.  And that's what I'm realizing, 

as I grow and push forward:

I am. 

I am going to screw up. _____

5.  That's a big part of being in a "parents" role:

You have to deal with the reality that you get it wrong all.  the time.

I think coming in, 

I thought I had to be perfect.

I thought I had to know what to say, every time.

I thought the reason I didn't was because I'd 

never been a parent before. _____

6.  And also:

I'm allowed to be honest.

This is one of the perks that maybe a biological parent doesn't have.

Or maybe it's just because the kid I'm talking about is a teenager now,

and a little more able to handle the complexity of non-traditional relationships.

But I doubt it.  I think kids understand more than most people give them credit for.  

Or maybe not.  Maybe being honest with a kid will lead to some of my biggest mistakes.

I don't know.  

But at some point,

it's time to jump in the pool. _____

7.  Ocean*

[stepdude]

Don't worry about the 2 percent

A couple weeks ago, my girl's daughter was working on something for school.  

I asked, and she told me it was a report on squid.

_____

Cut to yesterday evening, when I stopped down to see her and her mom, before my basketball game.

Before I left, I asked her if she'd turned it in.

She said she had.

I asked how it went.

She got a 98.

_____

_____

Which is awesome.  

She immediately looked away, as soon as she said the number.

(back to the episode of "The Office" she was watching)

for a split-second, I thought that might mean she was lying. 

But then I realized, it was because she didn't want to show that she might care what my reaction was.  She was going out of her way to not give away some of her power, by admitting she cared

whether I cared.

(see also:  lesson 3)

_____

The next funny thing.

I started to ask the question:

"Did they say what they took the 2 percent off for?"

_____

Now, in my mind, at that moment, I was imagining a teacher who got a perfectly good report, but felt like they had to find something to not make it a 100.  

As a teacher, a 98 seems a lot less lazy than a 100.

So in my mind, I was ready to stick up for the kid, and think it should have been a hundred.

BUT

then the storyline would have been -- at best -- about the teacher.  

And more likely,

in the kid's mind,

it would have made the story about

"what did you do wrong, though?"

_____

Maybe someday, I'll have a fluid enough relationship with the kid, so that she can trust that I'm proud of the 98

_____

A 98 is amazing.  I don't care if the assignment was "write a complete sentence."

Focus on the 98.

Don't worry about the 2 percent.

49 times out of 50, 

it'll be the right decision.

[stepdude]

Rule 2: Communicate with the Parent

I play in a basketball league in Brooklyn.  

There's a little kid -- maybe 4 years old -- who is the step-son of one of the players on my team.  

While I was warming up last week, he told me about how my teammate was going out with his mom.  And I told him that 

the girl I'm going out with his has a child, too.  But mine is a girl.

"So you're a step-dad, too?"

_____

And that's the thing.  On some level, if you're dating someone with a kid, then yes.

Yes, you are a step-father.

_____

Yes.  Yes, I am a step-father.

The next question is:  

What does that mean?

_____

It means as many different things -- the term "step-father" has as many different definitions --

as there are single mothers.

So don't feel like you have some sort of "quota" to fulfill, as far as meaningful moments, or heart-to-heart talks.

Just communicate with the mother.  

And be honest with yourself.  

Nothing is required of you that you aren't ready to do.

That mother, and that family, has survived without you, before now.

So get it out of your head that you have to be some sort of savior.

That's only in your head.  

_____

But also, keep in mind:

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So really, you should listen to your partner.  And also, don't be afraid to be honest with him or her.  You don't owe any other human being anything, except your honesty.

_____

Rule 2:  Communicate with the parent.  

And be completely honest about what you're comfortable with.  And what you're not.

_____

I think.

[stepdude]

Rule 1: It's okay to be terrified.

Us.