Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
"Piano? That’s one of the easiest ones to play," he stated, and Cat had to laugh slightly, amused, even when he backtracked over his words a moment later. "Or that means you’re better off as someone you’d want to be." As Stephen pulled the car into a parking spot, Cat nodded and let those words hang in the air for the moment as she thought about them, a contemplative look in her eyes as her smile lingered. She grabbed her purse and her hand was already on the door handle when it opened from the outside- Stephen was already there, holding the door open and offering her a hand, and a soft “oh” of surprise and a laugh escaped her lips as she took his hand, stepping out. Whoever had said that chivalry was dead had obviously never met Stephen Price.
Shivering already in the brisk, cold air, Cat pulled her fur-trimmed winter parka a bit tigher around herself, her hand still in Stephen’s as they walked up to the entrance of the music hall and she pulled the tickets out of her coat pocket. She thought back to what he had said when they left the car. “Y’know, I like the sound of that. Someone I want to be- whoever that is. Because I don’t usually think that far in advance,” she said with a note of laughter in her tone. “I like to think of my future as a surprise.”
She handed over the tickets to the guy standing by the door, her shoulder bumping lightly against Stephen’s- though it was more like his upper arm, since he was probably a full head taller than her. Still, Cat liked this feeling of closeness to him- she could’ve told herself it was just because of the cold, but even once they stepped inside the dimly lit entryway, it was with a small degree of reluctance that she seperated herself to shrug off her coat and hand it over to the coat check. As Stephen checked his coat next, she gathered up her hair at the nape of her neck and let it cascade down her back again, grimacing slightly at the static left behind by her coat. The room down the hall, it’s two double doors propped open, had a steady stream of people entering it.
She accepted his hand and he just had to smile. Contrary to popular belief, dating wasn't in Stephen's priority list. He figured trying new things and going to new places was worth a lot more than chasing random girls. He believed in the selflessness, the sacrifices and the fulfillment of being in love and longed for it, just like how he wants to do everything he can before he graduates. Ironically, the idea of trying his luck with the long line of girls waiting for him in Preston alone sounded absurd. He felt Cat stir beside him to wrap herself tighter in her coat and his thumb grazed lightly across the back of her hand more than a couple of times.
“I like to think of my future as a surprise.” He was happy for her—for anyone who still has the right to choose what to do with their lives. The self-pity that branched out from the seed Roger planted in his mind tortured him every time he remembered his responsibilities. As time passed he eventually learned to simply shrug it off with a chuckle. “That’s good. An unpredictable future is better than none at all. You only live once or whatever that YOLO thing meant.”
The December street was brimming with people. Stephen kept her close as they walked past the door, Cat handing over the tickets to the man who stood nearby. Her hand slipped away from his for coat check. After making sure his phone, wallet and car keys were secured in the pockets of his jeans and that nothing but a café receipt remained on the inside of his coat, Stephen straightened the creases on his shirt, relieved at the warm embrace of the indoor air on his skin and rejoined Cat.
Following the buzz of people who entered the open doors at the end of the hall, it didn’t require him a lot of effort to look past the entrance as he towered over almost everyone. A platform occupied with what looked like the technical team as they checked the wires underneath the dim directional lights. Stephen took his cap off and ran a hand through his hair before putting it back in reverse. “Looks like we’re just in time.” He told Cat who walked alongside him. Though the crowd inside was getting bigger by the second, personal space was intact and movement was still possible. “Do you want to see them up-close?”
When Stephen started to move her so that was lying down—that’s when she knew she no longer had a choice. So she let him set her down and tuck her into bed like the helpless child she felt like. At some other time she might have felt embarrassed, or at least uncomfortable, but it felt good to be taken care of instead of the other way around. A vague smile spread across her lips as she forced her eyes open to look at him.
“Let’s not make this hard for the two of us, okay? Go to sleep.”
She didn’t want to oblige, but only because she was already tucked in and probably seconds away from drifting into a deep sleep. The room went in and out of focus as her tired eyes did a poor job of seeing properly. Still, she managed to keep them trained on his face long enough to see that he was very amused. It didn’t bother her; Stephen clearly didn’t mean any harm.
"Thank you," she said, her words coming out in an inevitable mumble again. Natalia was sure how much she would remember in the morning—the medicine might be too strong and she might already be too sleepy—but she was grateful for his attentions. Though a tiny feeling of guilt did nag at her in the back of her mind—after all, Stephen had had to suffer the annoyances of her sickness, even if just for a bit—she knew it was the right thing to do. And, well, if it wasn’t, she’d made a good job of convincing herself. She didn’t care what anyone else thought of the matter—Stephen was her friend. She would even be selfish about it and not care whether he considered her the same, because she’d been through those ‘friendships’ enough times and frankly, she didn’t even mind this time. She liked Stephen and he treated her well, and she would be his friend whether he wanted her or not.
“You’re welcome.” He said, admiring her fighting spirit. A sick Stephen would have spent the entire day tucked underneath the sheets and talking only to make demands to whoever was watching over him, if there was any.
“Good night, Stephen.” He happened to be straightening the folds of her blanket, as she just literally curled in them, when the words reached his ears. Suddenly remembering an incident where Stephen fell asleep while Nat lectured about the French revolution, he opened his mouth for an inside joke but found out she had already fell in a deep slumber. He got his cup of hot— now warm chocolate on top of her table and sat on the edge of the bed. His shoulders were hunched as he finished his drink, enjoying the calming silence. A few minutes later he found himself texting Alexander with her phone, trying his best to make his message look as ‘Nat’ as possible.
Stephen waited for the reply in deafening silence, his eyes blank on the finished wall, forming imaginary shapes out of the decorative pattern. Thirty minutes passed and he was almost sure he was going to sleep on the floor in case Nat wakes up choking with sickness. He put the empty cup back on the table and eased himself on the cold floor while waiting for the drowsiness.
Bad case scenario (Stephen thought as he tried to sleep): A random Trinity girl walks in, though with Nat’s unpopularity it was highly unlikely, assumes Stephen was spending the night in her room again and adds fuel to the already circulating gossips. He stood up and locked the door. Problem solved.
Worse case scenario: Nat’s roommate Harper, who undoubtedly has the room’s key, finds him on the floor without any evidence of tutoring and tells Alexander. Stephen reached for some of Nat’s books, opened them and scattered them around his place. Problem solved.
Worst case scenario: Alexander was out to some faraway place but received the text and was rushing back to the dorm as fast as possible (Stephen assumed he also shared the room’s key). He walks in and realizes that he stole N—
Another buzz from his pockets got his attention again. Stephen took his phone out and as realization hit him that his father was calling him again after six missed calls, any trace of drowsiness left his system. His eyes darted from Nat on the bed to the scattered books on her floor to the cups of hot chocolate on her table. Muttering a curse under his breath, he stood up, unlocked the door— only to lock it again once he closed it behind him as he got out, and ran outside Trinity. His breathing was ragged as he stood outside the dormitory, the cold latching onto his skin.
All the while she felt like she might cough her very soul out, she could feel Stephen’s large and comforting hand resting on her back — it didn’t help her sickness but it helped her spirits. He was nice to have nearby when she felt awful, which was one of the many reasons she was always willing to help him out whenever he needed her. It kept poking at the back of her mind how she should’ve been in Alex’s company at that moment, rather than just a friend’s, but she was convinced it wasn’t necessary to worry her boyfriend. Stephen wouldn’t be as worried so she wouldn’t feel as guilty, just because he was always more relaxed and took things more lightly — or so she thought.
“It’ll be over soon. Don’t worry.”
The groan she let out was more from being tired rather than actually being annoyed, and she leaned towards Stephen to once again rest her heavy head against his arm. It would’ve been his shoulder, were she not so much smaller than him, but the gratification was almost instant. “Not soon enough”, she murmured. A literal weight was lifter from her as she no longer had to support the full weight of her head, which seemed to weigh double the normal amount. Despite this, her friend’s hand running through her hair was comforting and she closed her eyes briefly to enjoy the feeling, only opening them with some difficulty when he removed his hand. She didn’t need much to be pleased — and she was — until Stephen mentioned she should rest.
The medicine was starting to take effect on her, making her drowsy and slow; but while she wanted to rest and was getting dangerously close to falling asleep, Nat wasn’t happy about being left alone again after having had company for a short while. Knowing that he would be leaving soon because she did in fact need to rest, she still tried to say ”I don’t want to sleep…”, but her words came out in a mumble she was afraid Stephen might not even hear. Her eyes threatened to close again, so she fought against nature’s will — or rather the medicine’s — to keep them open for just a little longer. During this sort period of time, she tried to get him talking, but eventually her eyes drifted shut for a few seconds before she realized they had closed at all. He was hardly going to let her keep going, so she was now all but resigned. She let out a heavy sigh in defeat.
”I don’t want to sleep…” Natalia’s words barely reached Stephen’s ears as she tried not to collapse on him. Stephen chuckled, aware that that girl was stuck in a hazy suspension of sleep and being awake. He made sure her lie down, not that she was in any state to oppose; her limbs felt heavy as lead as he straightened her feet and covered her with blankets. “Let’s not make this hard for the two of us, okay? Go to sleep.” He eyed the two cups of unfinished hot chocolate resting on top of her table. At least his efforts paid off.
A defeated sigh escaped her lips. "I know what you’re gonna say."
No, you don’t. Stephen wanted to disagree. Everyone thinks they do but no one truly does—except his best friends. No matter how hard he tries to hide it from them, Jude and Wes will always see through him. Nat, not so much. Or maybe she does, he can’t tell.
Stephen never understood the way he felt with her. Wanting to make sure she’s alright every time, slightly freaking out if she’s not and wanting to take care of her. Is it normal? Of course it is. He answered himself in his mind. He always felt that way with his two buddies—and his roommate too. Why, he wanted to know, was he starting to feel uncomfortable? The more he thought of it, the more he became conscious of how he looked to her. The more he saw her as a girl and not only as a tutor. Was he trying too hard as a friend?
The buzzing of his phone in his pockets distracted him from his thoughts. He dismissed it, knowing the vibration pattern was of a text’s, and turned back to Nat, a half smile on his lips. “Good night?”
I’d never stayed here during Christmas break. In the summer and on spring break I’ve been here a little early or left a little late, but the snow makes it all look even emptier.
It was nice; I needed it. I wish I could’ve stayed longer, but I had to come back earlier than I thought.
I don't go home earlier than the 24th. Our house is just literally a few hours away. The emptiness is good too or maybe it's just that I like winter the most.
He couldn’t get rid of the smell of blood and it felt like the Masquerade Ball all over again. Stephen sat on the carpeted floor in front of his room’s fireplace, trying to make shapes out of the flames. He liked the cold for the numbness but tonight he wanted to set himself on fire. A warm trail oozed just above his upper lip and he grabbed the damp cloth beside him, wiping it off before it stained his lips. The strong scent of metal and rust almost drove him insane. He got the pack of ice lying beside him and pressed it against the bridge of his angled nose.
His grip on his phone tightened. He didn’t have any right to ruin Wes and Jude’s perfect Christmas Eve with his situation. What would his text contain? ‘Hey, man. I think my dad just broke my nose. Merry Christmas hohoho?’ Stephen took a deep breath and dropped his phone on his other side. He heard the door open behind him and his blood started to boil again.
“It wasn’t enough, wasn’t it?” Stephen spoke first, not wanting to be dominated by his father.
“Stephen,”
The boy clenched his jaw. “I’m going downstairs in a while, Mom.” He hoped she went away.
She didn’t. Eloise Price sat beside her son and took the bloody cloth and pack of ice from his hand, wiping the wound herself. Stephen kept his eyes on the burning logs as his mother lifted his chin. He picked his phone to have something to hold on to.
“You know disobeying your father will do you no good.”
“He hit me, Mom. You saw him hit me.”He didn’t expect any consoling words. He knew she would take Roger’s side. She always does. Apparently, everything Roger does is right.
“I know, honey, and I’m sorry.” She said. Stephen’s gaze flicked to her at the last word. The last time they’ve been in each other’s company was before the academic year started but she still looked the same. Her complexion was still pale and chalky, her brown wavy locks still tumbled on her petite shoulders and her movements were still fluid with grace. Stephen had long convinced himself that his aesthetic qualities all came from his statuesque mother.
“How long will it be until this is all over?” He asked, slightly wincing at the pressure on his nose.
“It won’t be until he gets what he wants.” she frowned. “I support you, Stephen. You know I do. I just want both of you to be happy.”
“Is this why you’re doing this—to convince me to just give in? Mom I love being in orchestra. I love playing my violin. I love making music.”
She was kneeling beside him, her hands cupping his face. “I know you do, honey. But your father won’t stop this if you don’t give him what he wants.”
“Sometimes I don’t get you.” He muttered.
“He just wants you to quit orchestra. He never said anything about quitting violin as well.” She smiled and Stephen almost choked the tears out. He took a deep breath and swallowed the sadness away. It was always refreshing to see his mom’s lovely smile. It made him think about how many times he complained to her about Roger’s unrealistic expectations when he was little and all she gave him was a smile. It was that same warm smile every single time.
As much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, it was the thing he missed the most about home.
“You can still play, honey. There are a lot of ways around your father’s demands. Just make sure he sees his plans are being carried out. You can end up being the head of the firm and be whatever else you want at the same time. All you have to do is be creative.”
Of course. He’d been unreasonably stupid all this time. Stephen found his arms wrapped around his mother’s bony figure. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Stephen.” A hand messed his hair. “Half of the Price family tree is right downstairs and there’s just an hour left for Christmas. I’ll throw in a box of pizza if you can guess what I got you.”
His face brightened up. “You got me something?”
She rolled her eyes. “I always get you something. Two gifts on me again this year because your father insisted that he’s already given you everything you can wish for.” He should’ve felt bad but he chuckled at the inside joke instead. He stood up and stretched, tucking his phone back in his pockets. No SOS to Jude and Wes would be sent tonight.
Stephen followed Eloise down the grand staircase of the Price mansion. A huge MERRY CHRISTMAS was tacked on the porcelain white walls and the annual fifteen-foot white Christmas tree basked the Price household with the holiday festivity. There were at least a dozen of them, scattered across the marble floor, chatting casually, laughing to inside jokes. They looked up at their arrival.
A man in a neat tuxedo mirrored Stephen’s eyes. He was a foot shorter than him, stubby and gray-haired, hazel eyes sunken to old age. His arm went around Stephen’s shoulders and everyone crowded them.
“I can see your boy has grown a bit taller than you eh, Roger.” Uncle Patrick, Roger’s brother, teased.
“He’s always been taller.” Roger laughed. Stephen smiled a little. At least his father was putting effort in their pretend father-son love in front of the relatives.
Alvin and Aldrin, the twins from Manchester and Stephen’s closest cousins, stared at his nose. “What’s up with that, mate? Look like someone got you an early Christmas present.” said Aldrin, the taller and lankier of the two.
"I don’t think Jude likes me very much…" She’d gotten more than a few unpleasant looks from her classmate and she was a complete loss as to why that was. She couldn’t remember doing anything bad to him, but then she couldn’t remember doing anything wrong to anyone ever. That is, if her strong advances towards people went unmentioned. She didn’t mean any harm by trying to make friends, but she’d learned some time ago that not everyone wants a committed friend, despite how much they make it seem like they do. Even with that in mind, she still had no clue why Jude would have something against her. On the other hand, Wes had always been good to her and she enjoyed talking to him every now and then.
"Wes is great though; he really cares about you. It’s really very sweet, and he seems like a good friend." She smiled to herself, happy that Stephen had him to count on. "And I already know everyone at school. I have the student government to thank for that, I guess." She shrugged, knowing that no matter how well meant his suggestions were, they were mostly things she’d already tried. By now she’d half resigned herself to being content with the way things were, because that was how they were supposed to be. She wasn’t about to have a repeat of her past by trying to change anything.
“You’ve been a good friend to me.”
She didn’t quite know why, but she felt the familiar prickle in her eyes as they got just a bit watery. Well, maybe she did, but she saw no reason why his words should make her cry, so she tried to smile to cover it up. She leaned to her side, closing the short distance left between them, and rested her hear on his arm with her eyes closed for just a moment before she felt the need to straighten up.
A sudden coughing fit came over her, rocking her body violently, and it was a moment before she could regain her composure. The cup with what little remained of her chocolate had been set aside to avoid any spills, and she was now dabbing at her teary eyes with a tissue, slightly out of breath. She coughed one last time and sighed. In a severely raspy voice, one she’d come to abhor, she complained about her state. “I’m such a horrible disaster,” she concluded with a shake of her head, which was a bad idea. Her head felt like it weighed a ton and the movement made her feel dizzy for a few seconds. It was the congestion, without a doubt. “I can’t wait for it to be over.”
Stephen suddenly remembered Jude’s hostility at Natalia’s observation. Jude, Wes and Stephen often conversed through text message and at one point when he mentioned he was occupied at the moment because of his tutor sessions with Nat, Stephen couldn’t help but notice Jude’s dislike for the girl. Why though, he never knew. Stephen’s mind was too preoccupied in making up for his grades at that time. He made a mental note to ask about Natalia the next time he gets in contact with Jude. “Sorry if he’s giving you a hard time. Jude is Jude. I’m sure if he has something against you, he’d find a way to let you know what it is… before you graduate at least.”
The sudden mentioning of the word made him remember that almost all his friends are Seniors. Who’d he hang out with after Jude, Wes and Natalia leave Preston was one of the things he didn’t like thinking about but was inevitable, especially that time was ticking fast to their graduation. He tried not to frown. “Wes is my brother. He can be pretty stubborn at times but I know he’ll always be there for me.”
A smile spread his lips when the girl leaned against him but was gone the moment her coughing started again. Stephen had his hand on her back, his face a mix of frustration and sadness. He didn’t like seeing Nat so helpless when he’s with her. What kind of nothing was this that she didn’t even feel the need to call her boyfriend? Stephen glanced at the girl’s phone lying on the bed not far away. He could snake his long limbs around her and steal her phone. Maybe distract her with some random talk about the national debt and animal protection. Yes, animal protection always works. Then he could send Alexander an urgent text about Natalia dying and he could rush to Trinity and take his place. Stephen would be back to Bradford in less than an hour too and he’d be drowning himself with books by then. He couldn’t afford to get a grade lower than D in his current state.
But he left the phone untouched. “It’ll be over soon. Don’t worry.” Stephen ran his free hand across her hair and tucked a few loose strands behind her ear. The pang of guilt was starting to hit him with sharp blows. All this time Stephen wondered when he started thinking of himself as someone similar to Alexander. He was being selfish. He wasn’t supposed to be doing this. He wasn’t her boyfriend. He wasn’t supposed to be doing anything. “You need to sleep, Nat.” But maybe, he thought, being selfish wasn't so bad after all.
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