stevietodd

@stevietodd

Your one-stop shop for cat gifs and terrible puns

1,720 posts

3 Things I Learned Last Week (Dec. 2017 #5)

Contributing to an open-source project takes a lot of painful setup and perseverance, but it’s a great feeling!

I am convinced that mob business is alive and well, and it is making most of its profit off of the racket that is high-speed food blenders.

It is really, really tough to think of three new things you’ve learned each week, figure out the best way to express them, and then find the time to remember to post them. I can’t believe I’ve written these down on here every week for 5 years. I’ve loved writing them, but now I’ve reached a new chapter in my life that’s going to be much too hectic to allow me to continue. Perhaps I will pick it back up again someday, but for now, this is stevietodd signing off. Have a wonderful 2018 and beyond, everyone!

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Dec. 2017 #4)

If you’re foolish enough to leave a cat in your office with the door closed while you’re on a video call then yes, you deserve having to sit there and smile and talk and pretend like you don’t smell the most atrocious freshly-laid cat turd.

It takes Olympic-like coordination to keep from crashing your bike when you realize that’s a cockroach crawling on your arm.

If you set Siri to speak only in German and then your wife says one of the only words she knows in German (krankenwagen), then Siri will correctly interpret that as a request for an ambulance and dial 9-1-1 for you.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Dec. 2017 #3)

If you place 20 items on the conveyor belt with the intention of telling the cashier that you actually don’t want one of them in the middle of it all, that will randomly be the one thing she grabs and scans before you can stop her.

Friends don’t let friends accidentally leave their laptop attached to their mobile hotspot while joining an hour-long video chat.

It’s concerning when you pick up your rotisserie chicken and it has seemingly chemically burned your Styrofoam plate...but not concerning enough to starve.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Dec. 2017 #2)

According to the guy working the drive-thru, the junior-size shakes at Steak n Shake are about 3-4 oz. Buddy if they’re only that big, I better be getting a flight!

If I opened an ice cream shop that served flights of milkshakes and/or sundaes, I’m confident I would be a billionaire. #HowAwesomeWouldThatBe

If I have a follow-up doctor appointment and my problem has totally disappeared, I should probably just cancel the appointment instead of paying someone to say “Yep, you’re good!”

#3 Things I Learned #Originals

3 Things I Learned Last Week (Dec. 2017 #1)

Sure, the McDonalds sign just said Sausage Burrito, but my commute was way better having initially read it as Savage Burrito.

If I start playing a video game like Super Mario Odyssey, I will insist on not only finishing the game but obtaining 100% of the items and completing 100% of the tasks. This, my friends, is why I no longer play video games.

I used to think cats crapping on my couch was bad, but at least they have decency to not cover it up under a blanket or pillow on said couch like dogs do.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Nov. 2017 #4)

If you’re the type of guy who is zipping up your pants as you walk out of the public restroom, then you need to slow down your life a bit. Stop for a second and smell the urinal cakes.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t keep any app icons in the dock at the bottom of their iPhone.

If you speed past me recklessly, I’ll get angry and curse you from the comforts of my car. If you speed past me recklessly and I see you turn into Wal-mart up ahead, I’ll laugh and be grateful I’m not stuck in whatever situation you’re in that necessitates GETTING TO WAL-MART ASAP.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Nov. 2017 #3)

It’s quite a shock when you drive past the two sweet innocent little girls with the cute stand in their front yard with signs advertising that they are selling slime.

Do not, under any circumstances, EVER leave your dogs who haven’t been outside in a while unattended when Roomba is scheduled to clean. #SpiralPatterns

I’m honored to be chosen by the random guy in car A who, as car B was backing out of a parking space, said “Oh man, there *is* a guy driving that car. I thought you were controlling it with your phone!”

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Nov. 2017 #2)

Spam emails have have hit a new low and are now trying to entice me with Burger King gift cards. #NoMoreRussianBrides

Sometimes you smell death and decay while out walking near your house and your over-active brain thinks “I’m sure it’s an animal, but what if someone went missing!?” Then a day later you find out on the news a lady has gone missing just two houses down and you think “Holy shit!” and really start to think you should investigate. Then a day after that they announce she’s safe and sound and your life goes back to boring boringness.

The Parent of the Year award goes to whoever let their kid run barefoot into the movie theater bathroom

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Nov. 2017 #1)

Never assume that they forgot to put the jalapenos in your burrito. That last bite was a doozy.

Sometimes you have to file tax returns in states you didn’t live in and didn’t make any money in. #SayWhat

They have meat-flavored baby food and it is GROSS.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Oct. 2017 #4)

Seeing the words “Fried Chicken” and reading them as “Friend Zone Chicken” leads you down a fun little rabbit hole.

They make mittens for babies specifically so they don’t scratch themselves. #WhoKnew

Volunteer work is wwwaaayyy more fun when there’s disco music blasting.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Oct. 2017 #2)

The people in Canada are definitely very nice which means it must be extra difficult finding the gruff folks who work at the border crossing.

You can see the city of Toronto all the way across Lake Ontario from the U.S. side and that is Super. Freaking. Cool.

Poutine is actually kind of disgusting.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Oct. 2017 #3)

When wandering to a corner in a museum to discreetly fart, make sure the wall behind you isn’t actually an elevator.

Only the coolest wife ever will suggest “fire-drilling it” and promptly hop over the center console of the car to drive so you can get out in the middle of a traffic jam and go take a silly photo.

How many versions of Monopoly do I need to simply take up space in the closet? The answer is four.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Oct. 2017 #1)

I accidentally told a bum “Sorry man, I don’t have time” instead of “Sorry man, I’m supposed to be somewhere” and immediately felt like an ass.

You know you live in a cat zoo when you hear growling coming from a random kitchen cupboard and don’t blink an eye.

Having one of Stan Lee's bodyguards tell me to move out of the way of his scooter totally counts as a legit celebrity encounter.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Sep. 2017 #4)

It doesn’t count as “sadly drinking alone at home” if your work organizes a video chat “happy hour” meeting.

Due to the stress of dealing with morons, I will never again choose “posting this furniture in the For Free section on Craigslist” over “immediately driving it to the dumpster”.

Late September is officially “teenage squirrels taking themselves out of the gene pool” season here in Florida, and it’s extremely depressing.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Sep. 2017 #3)

The only thing scarier than being in a hurricane is imagining what it was like when people used to have NO IDEA THEY WERE COMING OMG.

I’ve reached the sad point in my life where doing minimal yardwork consisting only of picking up branches and twigs causes my leg muscles to ache for days.

When you call a wrong number and I answer, the first words out of your mouth don’t get to be “Who is this?”. You called me, lady!

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Sep. 2017 #2)

There’s nothing like renting a good book from the library, kicking off your shoes, settling down in your easy chair, and looking up at your bookshelf to see that you already own this book.

San Francisco: the city where it’s perfectly normal for a shirtless homeless man to be conducting his business with the teller next to yours at the bank.

Fidget spinners are unhealthily fun to play with.

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3 Things I Learned Last Week (Sep. 2017 #1)

If there’s a car door nearby, my shin will find it.

There’s something hilarious about two old guys at the fast food place going on and on about how it’s impossible to eat rice without a spoon.

New rule: I only eat at restaurants that serve free water.

#3 Things I Learned #Originals

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