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he/him 07

[stillaliveithink]

Hello! I'm an African American transman. This blog is mainly for keeping a record of my weight loss and idk for the vibes.

After years of binging being my main coping mechanism, I'm finally getting back some control over my life.

My current fave movies/TV shows are House MD, CMBYN, The Truman Show, HR, and Dead Poets' Society.

Current fave books: Jacob Have I Loved by Katherine Paterson, The Chosen by Chaim Potok, anything by Brandon Sanderson but especially the Stormlight Archives series, A Separate Peace by John Knowles.

Wl stats

5'9" - 176cm, ftm, 18yo

Hw: 286.6 lb - 130kg - BMI 42.0 (4/07/25)

Sw: 283.3 lb - 128.5kg - BMI 41.5 (14/07/25)

Lw: 210.9 lb - 95.7kg - BMI 31.1 (25/05/26)

Cw: 216.5 lb - 98.2kg - BMI 32.0 (8/06/26)

GW1: 158 lb - 71.7kg - BMI 23.3

GW2: 141 lb - 64kg - BMI 20.8

GW3: 133 lb - 60.3kg - BMI 19.6

Ugw: 125 lb - 56.7kg - BMI 18.5

Ugw2: 124 lb - 56.2kg - BMI 18.3

Ugw3: 109 lb - 49.4kg - BMI 16.1

Milestones:

G1: 120kg - 264.6 lb ✅ (29/09/25)

G2: 110kg - 242.5 lb ✅ (8/12/25)

G3: 100kg - 220.5 lb ✅ (9/03/26)

G4: 200 lb - 90.7kg

G5: 180 lb - 81.6kg

G6: 158 lb - 71.7kg

[stillaliveithink]

I really like to sabotage myself and make everything worse.

Anyways I have been contemplating if I will find love as a gay leaning possibly bi transman. Today I spent some time with a guy I have a mild crush on and I made myself so sick how my default thing to do when I'm attracted to someone is perform femininity.

[stillaliveithink]

I have a crush on Carter's drug addicted cousin (this is about ER)

[kietai5]

You can do a word search with me if you're bored

[stillaliveithink]

Need to sleep rn but I should do this

[stillaliveithink]

I know I've talked about this before but going from unhealthy coping mechanisms to no coping mechanisms left me in a very stagnant barely functioning state. I do journal sometimes and I guess venting here counts but I need to remember to be proactive and put in effort towards healthy coping mechanisms

Like low-key my most successful/healthy, least stressful wl era was when I was putting a lot of time into my healthier coping mechanisms and staying busy and not letting myself spiral

[stillaliveithink]

I'm hungry and dehydrated and stinky and breaking out and I need to wash my hair today please stop asking me to do chores 🥲

-the laziest person ever (all these problems are my fault)

[stillaliveithink]

Fuck! The sky daddy! 😱🏃

[stillaliveithink]

Guys is it Evil to smash bugs all the time now because I used to not be super bothered by them but have randomly started being extremely afraid and bothered so I just kill them when I see them even if they're not on me or anything and sometimes I feel Evil

[stillaliveithink]

To be fair this lined up with me moving from the city to the countryside so I guess this is just how I'm dealing with like 10 times as many bugs

[stillaliveithink]

Guys is it Evil to smash bugs all the time now because I used to not be super bothered by them but have randomly started being extremely afraid and bothered so I just kill them when I see them even if they're not on me or anything and sometimes I feel Evil

[stillaliveithink]

Anytime I do mildly well for like two days I think I'm cured and all my problems were imaginary and I've completely moved on now and then I crash again and it's always just as disappointing :( you'd think recognizing the pattern would help me fix it but no. And of course the crash always makes me think I've always been this way and am just inherently useless and whatever and bleh.

This is about general mental health not necessarily food stuff. Idk maybe this is just how shit goes. Actually no it's a side effect of living with my dad again.

[stillaliveithink]

Damn I thought I made a friend on here and they're gone 😔 blocked me or got termed idk

[stillaliveithink]

Yk things with money are getting bad when you start literally dreaming about a communist revolution

[stillaliveithink]

I just saw someone on TikTok with a tattoo of the word immaterial as a reference to the SOPHIE song and now that's on my tattoo wishlist

[stillaliveithink]

I ate very much today :(

[stillaliveithink]

Guys would it be dumb to ask my doctor about a dysphoria diagnosis when wearing a bra and not a binder because I'm closeted to my family

[stillaliveithink]

GOOD NEWS they were super professional and didn't ask too many questions and I'm booking an appointment with an endocrinologist!

[stillaliveithink]

Guys would it be dumb to ask my doctor about a dysphoria diagnosis when wearing a bra and not a binder because I'm closeted to my family

[stillaliveithink]

The fit of the day is very 9 year old boy coded

[stillaliveithink]

Guys would it be dumb to ask my doctor about a dysphoria diagnosis when wearing a bra and not a binder because I'm closeted to my family