vast and real cryptic @stone--fruit - Tumblr Blog

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ohdelay

how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

where did it begin?

what went wrong?

and who made you feel so worthless?

if they wanted you,...

nayyirahwaheed-deactivated20180

there is you and you. this is a relationship. this is the most important relationship.

home, nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed)

hammersandsheep

Be careful who you make memories with. Those things can last a lifetime.

Ugo Eze (via ayougo)

memoirsofagaysh-blog

“Beware: Ignorance Protects itself. Ignorance Promotes suspicion. Suspicion Engenders fear. Fear quails, Irrational and blind, Or fear looms, Defiant and closed. Blind, closed, Suspicious, afraid, Ignorance Protects itself, And protected, Ignorance grows.”

― Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents (via cielito-lindo)

thisholometaboly

At some point on Tuesday afternoon I thought, I feel extremely brain-injured today. Then I laughed, because I don’t think I’ve ever processed that particular feeling that way before, but for once I had said something about myself that was both terrible and incontrovertibly true.

#knowing when seen #of course

I am on the way to the last day of training, and the first where my supervisor will be there. We'll be doing a day of "strong partnership" activities, finding out what kind of leaders we both are, "really getting to know each other". I feel insubstantial and wobbly and I hope she likes me. She seemed to like me at the interview. (The thought of being a disappointment is such an ache, always.) I wish I had been able to get more sleep. I wish my guts didn't feel twisted up (in the literal sense - my insides feel like they were never quite hooked up right). I am still so grateful for this but still terrified, I am doing my best to be straight-spined and lucid and act as if, yes, I belong here. Then I go home and crumple up and contemplate the hazy path ahead of me and shiver. It's a forthright and righteous journey but it takes a lot of belief in my capacity to Handle, not just in the Enduring but rather in the Doing and Getting Done. My paper says they expect me to instruct 12,000 people over the next 11 months which is almost twice as much as the 21 people put together last year, and maybe it's a typo, but maybe it is not. They are expecting a lot from me, regardless. At least two events or tours a week. More big numbers, remembering names, tracking demographics. I spend a lot of my day hiding in my bed and this all seems like a bit much. I hope today goes well. I hope I can do what they think I can do.

#position #anxiety #anticipatory anxiety

Draw shit

Work at your cool new job

Dress nice

Make your house pretty

Make progress on projects

Move forward

Don't fixate

You're fine

There's plenty of time

Don't be so impatient

Things will get better slowly

You can wait

You will be okay

Even if your loneliness feels painful, you are not actually being injured, you can handle it, you have been through so much worse, life is okay, things are beautiful, there will be more later

Focus on now, focus on what you have control over

Becoming better will make everything else better too

Discomfort is part of change and growth

You're fine

I wish I could get meditating down

I keep trying but it doesn't help me figure anything out, the way it does with Creature

I think I'm probably more upset about things not working out with the most recent boy than I've allowed myself to really... feel

And also probably having anxiety about my upcoming new job, and the responsibility and expectations of it, and having it come out in weird ways

A lot of it is probably that I feel like I have to be the adult all the time, albeit a pretty unreliable and fucked up adult but like... certain people let me be the childish one for a little bit and give me a moment of feeling safe and protected to relax in, and I haven't had that in a long time (apart from the day i had friends visit), and the longer and longer it goes on the more I feel exposed and panicky

And I'm sexually frustrated and dismayed and embarrassed about it

But seriously like... for a long period of my life (mostly thinking of my time with The Orphan) that was The Best Thing, and the only time I felt any relief from being depressed and anxious and overwhelmed, and it was a complete relief, and joy and peace and happiness, and feeling like I could do something right, and I don't know

It's not worth being screamed at but I literally spent more time feeling exquisitely happy and good then in any other period of my life, also a lot of time feeling absolutely horrible and distressed, but

Just a lot of melancholy but mostly okay, with lower dips, on and on and on

Sometimes I worry that I need to be one of those people who end the day with drinking so that they can go the fuck to sleep

So agitated

Totally feeling excruciatingly lonely, trolling OKC, and eating vegan pudding to try to soothe my woe. You know it's bad when I actually change my settings so straight dudes can see my profile, bleh.

I just have this problem where there's plenty of neat people, but hardly any of them seem like "my people"?? And what makes someone "my people" - if they're inclined to actually like me back, anyway - seems to be that they're super fucked up and likely to yell at me over dumb shit at some point???

I just want to have thoughtful and in-depth conversations that make me feel smart, and then lots of intense bangin' that happens easily and naturally and without having to think so fucking much or feel stressed/uncertain and which they are super enthused about and where I feel euphoric afterwards rather than more depressed, and also some cuddling, and optionally short text/etc messages about little thoughts or experiences that happen at random and make me feel thought about.

Which pretty much describes Parameter, except for the part where he argues like an asshole and threw a drama fit over unimportant bullshit and so on. I've been missing him pretty badly for at least 2 weeks now and it's ridiculous (IT HAS BEEN SO MANY MONTHS), and clearly I'm just fixating on him because I'm not having needs met and he met those needs, even while he was a totally unhealthy and unsafe person for me in other ways that aren't worth it. I did so good about not giving a fuck about that situation for a long long time afterwards but I think I was a combination of suppression for self-preservation and overestimating my ability to find another with those qualities.

IT TURNS OUT THAT WANTING SPECIFIC THINGS MAKES IT HARDER TO FIND PEOPLE I WANT TO TRY DATING/WHATEVER. I mean not even specific things like being vegan or whatever, that's super easy by comparison.

I don't know why I'm being so angsty about this recently

I have totally good things to look forward to and I can't even focus on them

I just have a piercing sense of something being missing and it won't fucking go away

Rarrararr

#noble gas #goddammit #gross

Flesh sweet & warm, bright, dense, wrapped around the pit, again Better than dried out & exposed, rattling around, aside Not time for sprouting yet I don't know what that will feel like

#username contemplation #personal mythologies #plant metaphors #fey #impatient

I finally made it to the pharmacy, took an adderall before even leaving the building, biked a mile and a half, chatted with a super cute fat tattooed lady queer w/ a wife as she cut my hair, drank a beer, and am currently sitting on a wood bench by some floor to ceiling windows and feeling pretty okay. Okay okay okay On some level I don't trust feeling okay but I feel too okay to feel anything about that right now. Why does the adderall make me less sad... what happens to the injuries when there's chemical changes? Where do they go? I know they're still there, waiting. I just don't care very much. Other things seem more important. It's better this way, but I'm afraid of forgetting.

#thinking #sitting #substances #truth #i feel good but on the verge of crying also #delusions #fear #obliviousness #tradeoffs #dance music is playing

I think this has been a summer of trying to nurture a desire to live I've been doing all kinds of lovely & adventuresome & beautiful things, with awesome & adorable people & critters, plus lots of quiet self-indulgent days On the whole though, I still think being alive is mostly awful and totally not worth it My therapist says I have to give it time, though. That with things having been abusive & unstable so long, it will take a while before it even starts to feel like it's... balancing out, I guess That makes sense and is good advice but everything still feels very difficult & overwhelming in the meantime