A few tips if you know and love someone with BPD:
1) People with BPD are incredibly perceptive and can read most emotions, but one emotion they consistently misinterpret is anger. They tend to interpret neutrality as anger, so often they may assume you are angry when you are simply content or bored or some other neutral expression. If your borderline loved one asks if you are angry, try to be patient and remember they are hypersensitive to tone, body language, everything. When an emotion of yours can’t be pinpointed, they tend to assume it’s anger. “Are you mad at me?” may be something you hear incredibly often. Just answer the question and be patient. They don’t mean to sound like a broken record; they really do believe you’re mad at them!
2) When providing reassurance for a borderline loved one, be sure to use concrete examples. When they’re having an episode, saying, “You’re a good person” will feel like empty words to them. They may even assume you’re following a script. Even more likely, they will default to being afraid they’ve somehow manipulated you into saying nice things to them, so be sure to have examples to back up what you’re saying. Instead of “You’re a good person,” add on why you feel that way about them. “You were having a bad day last week, and you still dropped everything to support your friend when they needed you.” Instead of stopping at, “I really care about you and think you’re great,” be sure to add, “You’re an incredibly passionate person, and I find that inspiring. Yesterday, when you were working, you become really involved in the task and cared a lot about the end results, and the way you poured your passion into the task was really incredible.”
3) Express yourself often, and in a constructive way. If you aren’t upfront with your feelings, your borderline loved one may assume you hate them. Open communication is incredibly important. If you are upset with something they’ve done or said, be sure to bring it up in a constructive manner which helps both parties and encourages communication on both ends. (Actually, you should be doing this with non-borderline people too.) Compassion > hostility. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s no reason to lash out. Bring up your concerns as soon as possible and help build an environment where you can both talk about these things openly. A relationship where you feel you can’t talk about concerns isn’t a healthy one. That goes for all relationships, mental illness or no.
4) Also applies to all relationships, if your loved one is clearly distressed, sometimes it’s best to walk away and wait until everyone has calmed down. However, with a borderline loved one, it’s important to express what you are doing and why. Don’t just leave the room. Make it clear, “We’re both too emotional right now to deal with this. I suggest we take a break and come back to this in half an hour when we’re feeling calmer. Is that okay with you?”
5) Do not try “tough love.” It is grossly unhelpful and can actually trigger more severe symptoms and make them worse. “Tough love” is a surefire way to keep your loved one from recovering.
6) Because of how emotional they are, people with BPD can come across as self-centered. This usually isn’t true, and is in fact more often the opposite. People with BPD are constantly thinking of the needs of others, and often their emotional responses are because of anxiety they have about how they affect the people around them.
7) Do not invalidate the feelings of your borderline loved one. Recognize that even if these feelings are not fact, they are still valid and are hurting your loved one and are incredibly real to them. Do not tell them they are “crazy” or “delusional.” This will make them feel like they can’t open up to you. Instead, assure them their feelings are valid, and then work through those feelings. Instead of, “There’s no need for you to feel guilty,” try “I understand why you feel guilty, but remember you are not at fault for what happened.” Or let’s say your borderline loved one has accused you of being angry even though you are not, and they are upset. Instead of “You’re upset for no reason” try “You are rightfully upset, however I’m really not angry with you, so let’s try to help you feel better.”
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