Shit Borderlines Do

We are not professionals, but we are working to build a community which fights stigma and supports healthy methods of coping and healing, as well as offers a safe space for people with BPD. FAQ HERE DIAGNOSTIC CHECKLISTS

[shitborderlinesdo]

R Hall ([email protected]) submitted:

I was married to a woman with BPD. She refused to get help or take her medication. She refused Her diagnosis even when she was in the psych ward. I read the book and it is 100% accurate. If you have BPD I suggest you read the book so you understand what you’re doing to your loved ones when you don’t accept help or try to change. 

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Fuck You, Rick.

- Mod Kelsi

[shoppingstars]

little things that can help you if you have bpd

i’ve been seeing a lot of topics like “how to deal with someone who has bpd” and it always bothers me, because there is basically no topics about how to deal if YOU have bpd. that’s why i’m making this post, in my opinion as someone who has bpd. feel free to leave other tips and comment!

buy a notepad and write about your emotions. in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), used a lot to help people with BPD, they tend to help others to regulate their emotions, basing on some principles, like:

identify and classify emotions; usually, people with BPD suffered/suffer from emotional abuse and it makes harder for us to have a knowledge about our feelings, since we never had someone to help us in this aspect. if you have hard times dealing with your emotions, you can create a special organization on your notepad, basing on: what just happened that could be a possibly trigger to your feeling? (EVEN IF IT’S SOMETHING MINOR, for example, if your friend replied to you in a different way, if you saw an image that made you feel uncomfortable); what are your physical symptoms about it? (for example, if you feel butterflies in your stomach, you are possibly anxious); what does this feeling make you want to do? (for example, if you feel like you want to hit something, you are possibly experiencing anger). and, also, try to identify your primary and secondary emotions, for example, if a friend forgets about an event that you would go together, first you may feel anger, but this anger can be followed by frustation or sadness (secondary emotions).

how to “change” your emotions; after writing about your emotions and trying to learn about them, you can add a subject in your notepad about “WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS FEELING”. your first thoughts may be pessimists, specially because borderlines are VERY impulsives, like “i should probably self-harm” or even “i should probably kill myself”, due to the intensity of bpd emotions, but right now, you have to think with your rationality. for example, if your friend is delaying to reply, you can think about the possibilities that are causing this problem: if they are busy, if they are having a hard time or if they just don’t want to talk right now. after thinking about the situation as a whole, you’ll ask yourself “okay, but what will i do?” and that’s why i think it’s important to create a list about what makes you happy and what distracts you, so everytime you have a hard situation to deal with, you can check on your list. “oh, i’m having x problem, but in my list it says that painting makes me happy, so what about painting something i saw today?”. if you don’t have anything that you like about, there is an app called Calm Harm, that can help you in self-harm situations!

increase and improve positive emotional events; i know that it’s difficult for us to focus on positive moments, but once you are feeling down, please try to write about what happened in your day that was a good thing. and when i say it, i don’t mean a BIG thing, it can be something like seeing a flower in your garden. write about your sensations when your experienced this moment and think about the possibility of living this moment more than once. for example, if i saw a flower and it made me happy, can i try to plant one, so i’ll see it more often?

apply pressure tolerance techniques; by distraction, self-care, improving the moment and considering pros and cons.

SO, in your notepad, have a space to: first, identify and classify your emotions; second, a space to write about how to change your emotions; third, a space to write about positive emotional events and fourth, write about what pressure tolerance techniqures you can apply to your life. 

practice saying no and saying what you need to the people around you; sometimes people with BPD tend to think that we are a burden to friends and family, and sometimes it’s not true. due to it, we often don’t tell what we really want. so, if you could, please, practice saying NO and what you REALLY need and want to people around you, even if it’s minor things. for example, if someone asks you to lunch with them, but you can’t/don’t want to, don’t let your abandonment fear decides what it’s the best for you, just say no, but not in the intention to hurt the other person. “i’m sorry, i really like you, but i can’t or don’t want to, since i have to do x thing/feeling x thing, but i really like you!”. when you say no, you can have a better idea about what you like and what you don’t, so you can start to let people know about it. for example, “hey! yesterday i said no when you invited me for lunch, so i realized i don’t really like going to public places, what about having lunch in my house next time?”

practice breathing techniques; intense emotions can lead us to panic situations or really bad physical symptoms. in stressing moments, we hold the air, increasing the level of carbon dioxide in our system, so the organism thinks we need more oxygen and make us breathe faster. the imbalance increases our heart beats, our blood pressure and the release of hormones such as adrenaline. i recommend ASMR videos to relax and you can breathe slowly, imagining a circle opening and closing, like the gif:

the post is getting long, so i’ll finish here! i’ll probably post a part two if you guys like! please leave a comment if it was helpful and i’m sorry if my grammar wasn’t very correct, english is not my native language.

remember that everything here is theoritical and it’s hard to apply these tips in your life, things will not suddenly change. but i believe in you and things take time, so don’t give up on getting better.

[shitborderlinesdo]

Short Description of DBT Skills

This is just a short directory to explain, in one sentence or two, what these concepts mean, and what the use of each skill is by defining it.  Come to this page if you can’t remember what IMPROVE or DEAR MAN stands for, but don’t want to have to read the long post that introduced those skills on SBD.

See the DBT Skills Masterpost for posts that go into each of these skills or sets of skills in depth.

Mindfulness Skills:

Wise Mind: The Wise Mind is the balance between Emotion Mind and Logic/Reasonable Mind

Observe: Notice without getting caught in the experience.  Experience without reacting to the experience.

Describe: When a feeling or thought arises, or you act, acknowledge it with a description of the thought or action or sensation, etc.  Describe to yourself what is happening and label your feelings.

Participate: Enter into your experiences, act intuitively, be completely immersed in the experience, in the present.

Non-Judgmental: See, but don’t evaluate.  Focus on the “what” happened, not on what “should” or “should not” have happened.

One-Mindful: Focus on the moment–do one thing at a time and completely focus on what you are doing or whom you are with.  Let go of distractions.

Effective:  Do just what is necessary in a situation to achieve your goals.  Focus on what works, and direct your efforts there.  Act skillfully, because the more you practice acting skillfully, the more Effective you will become at attaining your goals.

Distress Tolerance Skills:

STOP:  Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully

TIP: Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing/Paired Muscle Relaxation/Progressive Muscle Relaxation (used to change your level of distress quickly)

Distract using Wise Mind ACCEPTS: Distract yourself with Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, Sensations

Self-Soothe: Use the senses (vision, hearing, taste, smell, touch) to soothe your physical self in order to make your emotions less painful.

IMPROVE the Moment: Improve the moment with Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing in the moment, Vacations, Encouragement

Pros and Cons: Examine the short term and long term pros and cons of acting and not acting on your urges/impulses using a chart.

Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement: Acknowledge what is, let go of fighting or denying reality.  Use TURNING THE MIND to commit to acknowledgement over and over again.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills:

Clarified Priorities: What is most important to you in this interpersonal interaction 1) Obtaining your objective, 2) Maintaining the relationship, or 3) Maintaining your self-esteem/sense of self-worth

DEAR MAN: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate (used for saying “no” or asking for something; obtaining your objective)

GIVE: Be Gentle, act/be Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner (used for maintaining a relationship)

FAST: Be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, be Truthful (used to maintain your self-esteem/sense of self-worth)

Emotion Regulation Skills:

PLEASE: For reducing vulnerability, treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Alerting drugs (as in street drugs or non-prescription drugs), balance Sleep, get Exercise

ABC: Accumulate Positive Emotions/Experiences: For reducing vulnerabilities in the Short Term: Do pleasant things that are possible now.  For reducing vulnerabilities in the Long Term: Make changes in your life so that positive events will occur more often.  This helps “build a life worth living for you.”

ABC: Build Mastery: Engage in activities that make you feel competent and in control.

ABC: Cope Ahead: Cope ahead of time with emotional situations.  Rehearse a plan ahead of time so that you are prepared to cope skillfully with emotional situations.

Opposite Action: Change emotions by acting opposite to current emotions/urges. Used for when emotions don’t fit the facts of a situation.

Check the Facts: Check out whether your reactions (emotional or behavioural) fit the facts of the situation.  Changing beliefs and assumptions to fit the facts can help you change your emotional reactions to situations.

Problem Solve: When the facts themselves are the problem, solving emotional problems consistently and effectively will reduce the frequency of negative emotions and increase your sense of competency in regards to dealing with these emotions/urges.

-Pandora

[sapphicscience-archive]

i’m tired of “how to help a partner with [x mental illness]” guides that assume that the other partner has no issues of any kind; i want more discussion of how to balance the differing mental health needs of multiple people in a relationship

[borderbetweencountries]

So my partner and I have been together almost two years, and we both suffer from anxiety, BPD, and a handful of other mental illnesses, and here’s some things that help us out immensely.

communication is key. Tell your partner if you’re having a bad day. Listen when your partner says they’re having a bad day. It’s easier to be careful with someone when you know they’re already having a bad day. I can’t stress this enough - communication is always important in relationships; but it’s doubly so when one or both of you has a mental illness. You have to trust your partner to be able to be honest with you about what they’re feeling and how their illness is affecting them, and you need to be honest with them, too. ask questions. If your partner is struggling, asking them questions to help you understand how to help them can be good. Remember that ‘I don’t know’ is a valid answer, and it is one that you can also give. be reminders for each other. It can be super hard to remember to do simple things for yourself; it can be easier to remember to remind your partner to do them. My partner reminds me about medication, food, etc., and I do the same for him - it helps a lot. use safewords. And I don’t mean in the kinky sense. My partner and I have a series of words that mean different things, because sometimes it can be hard to say ‘I’m swinging’ or ‘I’m having a panic attack’ or ‘this subject is upsetting me for x y z’ reason. It’s easier to say one syllable - ‘swing’ for rapidly cycling emotions, ‘count’ for panic attacks (so one of us can count breaths for the other). We have words that mean ‘drop this subject now’ and words that mean ‘please don’t touch me’. We also have hand signals for days when one or both of us are nonverbal, and we revert to texting on those days. be willing to give each other space.  But don’t necessarily go far. If you need your space, tell your partner; if your partner needs their space, make sure they can still access you.  acknowledge each other’s illness. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Acknowledge that they’re there, acknowledge that sometimes they may come in conflict with each other, and learn how to take a step back when it becomes a problem. call each other out. If your partner is repeatedly doing things that are detrimental to themselves/your relationship/you, call them on it. Don’t do it in an asshole way - just sit down with them and be like ‘hey, you’ve been doing this thing that is really sucky lately, and it needs to stop.’ Likewise, listen when you’re being called out. It’s really easy to get stuck in shitty loops when your brain is sick, and sometimes you don’t know what you’re doing ‘til someone points it out. This hurts! And it sucks! But it’s part of acknowledging your illnesses. It doesn’t do any good to let bad habits continue, even if there’s a reason they’re happening. learn to forgive. When you’ve both got brain issues going on, it’s inevitable that people are going to say things they don’t mean, and that is going to hurt. The important thing is being able to recognize when you’ve messed up and apologize sincerely, and accept it when your partner apologizes. These are just some things that work for us. Add to the list if you can and I hope this helps.

[depressionresource]

This is great and I would like to add some things since almost all of my relationships have been with someone else with mental health issues.

One, it’s important to remember that one person’s pain does not negate the other’s. In a lot of my relationships, if someone was feeling shitty, the other person would keep to themselves something on their mind and try to take care of the other person whether they were capable or not. You can both have a bad day at the same time, and one person does not have to take care of the other.

Two, you have to be careful about feeling the other person’s feelings. I think a lot of people get this confused with empathy, but you can learn to be empathetic without doing this. If you feel shitty because another person feels shitty or vice versa, you’re going to feel shitty a lot more than you have to.

Take care of each other, everybody.

[shitborderlinesdo]

I have BPD, I know a lot of sex, being very sexual can be an issue Do you know if well wanting more taboo kinds of sex can be a symptom? Getting off on someone else's pain, BDSM things, Rape fantasies Pretty much any kind of taboo sex And then being mad or upset if you can't do them with your S/O

It can be part of the risk taking aspect of having BPD, for sure, especially when you find yourself escalating from just lots of sex or unprotected sex to more “kinky” or violent or extreme forms of sex. 

It can be done for thrill-seeking, for the risk. 

It can be done because we sometime need more and more extreme things to satisfy us. 

It can be done as a form of self-harm (this is the reason why I got involved in the BDSM scene in a city I used to live in, because as an asexual I used sex as a way to hurt myself, regardless of whether I was in a dominant or submissive role). 

It can be done because you may be hypersexual and need to always be experiencing new sexual things.

It can be done out of curiosity and a pursuit of new sensations.

It can be done because you’re hoping that something will go wrong while taking a risk and you’ll end up feeling some sort of pain or “punishment” for your desires.

Basically, this kind of sexual desire can be really dangerous because of how extreme it is.  If you’re not doing it safely, a lot can go wrong.  Sometimes, as I said, that’s the appeal. 

It’s also really common for borderline individuals who have experienced sexual violence, particularly sexual abuse and rape, to feel this way.  Some of us will become hypersexual, some of us will become sex-repulsed. Some of us, like me, are asexual and yet were previously engaging in a hypersexual way until something traumatizing happened and now we’re sex-repulsed.  Sometimes we flip back and forth between being hypersexual and being sex-repulsed. It can be very complicated and confusing.

As long as you’re not trying to hurt yourself, there’s nothing particularly wrong with what you’re doing and what you desire (the only concerning thing you list, in my opinion, is having rape fantasies, since I think the only people who should be allowed to engage in rape fantasies are rape survivors because that can be part of the healing process). 

When it comes to your partner, I can’t give you advice there.  We don’t do relationship advice.  But I can say that sexual compatibility is incredibly important in a sexual romantic relationship or even a casual sexual relationship.  If people have to very different levels of comfort with sex and types of sex, that can lead to a toxic dynamic in the relationship where the less comfortable person can feel pressured into doing things they’re not comfortable with in order to satisfy their partner.  That’s not a good dynamic to have.  It can lead to a lot of guilt-tripping and coercion and manipulation and unwilling consent.  It can lead to really bad sexual experiences if both people aren’t into it.  You have to respect each others’ comfort zones and boundaries.

If your partner and you are just not compatible in this way, and sex is a really important thing to you, maybe consider that this might not be the relationship for you if you and your partner don’t have a happy sex life.  Open relationships can sometimes be a solution to this, but sometimes they too can result in unhealthy or toxic dynamics.  It’s up to you to work it out and understand you won’t get everything you want.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and is between consenting adults who know what the limits are and how to be safe.  This might be difficult for borderlines because we might not WANT to be safe.

Therefore, I really encourage you to analyze whether you have these desires for healthy reasons.  I’m not saying they’re automatically unhealthy (except the rape fantasies without a specific context), I’m saying that borderlines who are hypersexual often have other motivating factors behind their desires other than just really liking sex.  So you need to figure out if that’s the case for you and whether this is healthy.

TL;DR: Extreme sexual desires and extreme types of sex can absolutely be expressions of the impulsive risk-taking aspect of BPD, and there are many reasons that borderline individuals are hypersexual.  Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with being hypersexual and enjoying “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and all parties are consenting adults.  Be careful though, extreme sex, especially BDSM scenes, can quickly become toxic if not done correctly and safely.

-Pandora

[shitborderlinesdo]

Resources for Loved Ones of People with Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a masterpost for family, friends, and partners of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Note: If you are seeing a reblogged version of this, be sure to check the original post, because I will be updating this post as I find/create more resources.

* * * Read this before asking us a question about an abusive loved one with BPD. * * *

Resources

Tips for loved ones of people with BPD

7 Tips for when you know and love someone with BPD

Being supportive of your BPD loved one

How can I support a loved one with BPD?

What are some tips for helping partner when I’m also mentally ill?

My loved one thinks I’m not trying, but I am?

Why does my borderline loved one keep “making up problems”?

Advice for addressing my loved one’s irrational fears?

How do I help my loved one understand I’m not going to leave them?

My loved one keeps ignoring/avoiding me?

What are some misconceptions about BPD?

What kind of stigma do they face, and what is the truth?

More information about borderline stigma?

What is it like to have BPD?

I would like to know more about people with BPD in relationships?

How can I help a suicidal loved one?

How to help a friend with BPD

How can I be there for my loved one and also take care of myself?

What’s the best way I can ask my loved one what they need from me?

How can I end a relationship with someone who has BPD?

How do I deal with being their Favorite Person?

More Information about Borderline Personality Disorder

What is BPD? What is the diagnostic criteria?

How common is BPD?

What causes BPD?

General overview of BPD?

Important BPD Terminology

What is a Favorite Person?

Recommended Reading

Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

Recommended Links

DBT Skills and Related Info Masterpost

What’s wrong with the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?

What’s wrong with BPD Family?

What does it mean to be “neurotypical”? “Neurodivergent”? “Allistic”?

What is executive dysfunction?

Can I reblog your posts even if I don’t have BPD?

Can I send you vents or ask for personal advice?

[shitborderlinesdo]

Do I Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Here are a collection of posts to help you decide whether or not you may possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder:

The Borderline Personality Disorder Checklist

The BPD Checklist (Quiz Version)

What is similar to BPD?

I relate to ______ symptom. Do I have BPD?

I don’t have _______ symptom. Do I still have BPD?

I think I have BPD, but my therapist/psychiatrist doesn’t agree?

I experience symptoms differently from what I’ve read. Do I still have BPD?

Can I still have BPD even if I “seem normal” to other people?

Can I still have BPD even if I don’t have the more “stereotypical” symptoms?

Can I still have BPD even if have some “opposite” symptoms?

Can I still have BPD if I don’t relate to blogs about “BPD feelings”?

Can I still have BPD even if I don’t relate to the “simplified” description of it?

Sometimes I relate to BPD relatable posts, and sometimes I don’t?

Are there any REQUIRED symptoms of BPD?

I was diagnosed with BPD, but I don’t think I have it?

How can I get diagnosed?

Can I have BPD even though I did not have a traumatic childhood?

I’m a teenager. How do I know if it’s BPD or “teenage hormones”?

Can minors be diagnosed with BPD?

I can go weeks with borderline symptoms and then weeks without?

Maybe I’m just faking it?

I feel like I didn’t experience these symptoms until I read about them?

Can I have BPD if a family member has it as well?

Do I have these symptoms or am I adopting them/faking for validation?

Do I need an “official” diagnosis in order to be valid?

Does SBD support self-diagnosis?

What is the best way to self-diagnose?

Can I self-diagnose, even if I am underage?

Is it okay for me to self-diagnose even if I am able to see a professional?

Does self-diagnosis hurt those with a professional diagnosis?

20 Things Only Someone with BPD Can Understand

What do I have if I don’t have BPD?

I definitely don’t have BPD, so what is the “opposite” of BPD?

Can you still have BPD if you only experience negative emotions?

What is a Favorite Person? Do I need to have one to have BPD?

What is the difference between a Favorite Person and a Depended?

How can I figure out if this is BPD or bipolar?

Does it matter if I express my symptoms internally or externally?

I relate to blogs about BPD but not the criteria?

[shitborderlinesdo]

Causes of BPD

What causes BPD?

Is BPD caused by abuse?

Do you have to be abused/neglected in order to have BPD?

Can you have BPD even if you’ve never experienced abuse?

Is BPD hereditary?

Can bullying cause BPD?

[shitborderlinesdo]

FAQ

http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/faqpart1

http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/faqpart2

[shitborderlinesdo]

Diagnostic Checklist Masterpost

As well as being found under the tag #diagnosticchecklist, here is a masterpost of all of the checklists I have made so far. This provides some basic information about different mental disorders and can be used as a tool for communicating your symptoms with your mental health provider. They may also be used to self-diagnosing purposes, though further research is recommended if you qualify for a diagnosis.

Keep in mind that you may still receive a diagnosis if you do not meet the minimum requirements. Also keep in mind that your experience with a mental disorder exists on a spectrum, and there is no One True Experience for having a mental disorder.

Note: If you are seeing a reblogged version of this, be sure to check the original post, because I will be updating this post as I create more checklists. 

Neurodevelopmental Disorders

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

Schizophrenia Spectrum

Psychosis

Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective Disorder (coming soon)

Catatonia (coming soon)

Mood Disorders

Bipolar Disorder

Cyclothymic Disorder (coming soon)

Major Depressive Disorder

Persistent Depressive Disorder/Dysthymia (coming soon)

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (coming soon)

Anxiety Disorders

Social Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder (coming soon)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Acute Stress Disorder (coming soon)

Dissociative Disorders

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Amnesia (coming soon)

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (coming soon)

Eating Disorders

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

Anorexia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge-Eating Disorder (coming soon)

Personality Disorders

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (quiz version)

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Dependent Personality Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Alternate versions by pdpeach [x]

If you do not agree with a checklist, do not yell at me about it. All of this information is pulled from the DSM-5, so your beef is with the book and its writers, not with me. Stop messaging me yelling at me about how the DSM is horrible.

[shitborderlinesdo]

Where can I find your diagnostic checklist masterpost?

http://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/114736826839/diagnostic-checklist-masterpost

[shitborderlinesdo]

Are the mods of this blog active at all?

I am the only one

-Kelsi

[shitborderlinesdo]

Submission

(don’t publish unless it’s anon) 

thanks for this blog! I have a girlfriend with BPD who I love very much, and it’s so wonderful to have a blog dedicated to BPD positivity and help. I have my own mental illnesses so I wanted to find out how to help her with a quick Google search - “BPD girlfriend”. And I got horrific results, all saying BPD people are monsters.

I know that isn’t true. She’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever met, and she has so much love to give. I can’t believe there’s still such a strong stigma attached to a mental illness in 2017, but I’m glad some people are working to make it better. Thanks again.

[shitborderlinesdo]

You don't have an ask option so I'm not sure if it's closed or doesn't exist?

Sorry, just not sure and I don’t want to be a bother.

Hi psychelocktango! I closed the asks a while ago due to the sheer volume of asks. This blog is pretty much down to just me now. With 20k followers, the asks can get VERY overwhelming.  I am considering opening them back up.

[shitborderlinesdo]

SBD Poll

Should I reopen asks?

- Mod Kelsi

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

resist the urge to give up on healing just because it is slow

[queertchaikovsky]