It is wild watching how quickly people assume the best of white cis men. A woman posts about how she is teaching her 4 year old to trust instinct - that when a man sits next to a child on an empty triancar, that child can move. that child does not need to talk to him. That her child can say "no." In the comments, hundreds of people are offended on behalf of him: what if he had been Nice! What happened to bring polite! Society will crumble if this one young girl doesn't talk to a creepy old man who wouldn't leave her alone! In the twist of the story, when the mother moves the kid away, the man gets angry and violent. Snarling about how he deserves better. Nobody finds that a ringing endorsement for the girl's instinct, I guess.
Over and over again I see this. How often the social standards of Being Polite are extremely important for young women and absolutely necessary for minorities. If you are not Polite while asking for your civil rights, you aren't worthy. If you're angry or unsmiling or unpleasing or anything human - you're easily dismissed. Come back when you want to be nice about it.
Over and over I'm told to give men a favorable reading. I should have let him go on a date! I should have smiled wider! I should have given him my social security number! There are, I will be reminded in the comments, so many good good good men. Your father and your brother and whomever else you stick up as a straw man. Don't you know only men hold doors, you say, isn't that polite? Over and over I hear - you're being extremely negative. You should assume the best of people, of men.
But when I do - when I calculate wrong, when I say yes to a drink but not bed, when I feel pressured enough that I let him walk all over me again - this is my fault, and I'm the problem. Why do women dress that way if they're not saying yes to men. Men, who deserve whatever you can give to them. Men, who deserve you defending them as being probably-fine. While you - you were just. Tragically impolite.
Over and over I've realized - nobody asks this of them. There is no white male equivalency of "always be smiling." Yes, people will think you're intimidating. That's not impolite to be, it's instead an assumption of authority. There is no white male version of calm in the face of rabid cops, no version of "improper protest" - no social boundaries. A riot of white men is a gathering. A man usually pops up to remind me "I pay for dates!" As if the social contract ends there - your polite is based on a quid-pro-quo. My time, your dime. In public places, I am not being paid to be nice.
Before you snarl you're personally perfect and polite. Before you remind me of your eons of fathers and good men. Ask yourself - could a woman get away with things our ex-president has said. Could she be rude and violent on the internet.
Sorry this isn't polite, I guess.
