roll for psychic damage

hell yeah im heterophobic what of it (mod uses he/him, 20 - icon by @fjord-mustang, header by @goldengrahamart) blanket cw for homophobia, transphobia, ableism, racism, misogyny - everything in that realm. spoilers tagged one week out.

[straightcriticalrole]

hey u know how crit role is pretty damn good about how gay it is? what if it wasnt?

inspired by @straighttpp and @straighttma and massive shoutout to the adhd/autistic crit role server for all the awful ideas!

[straightcriticalrole]

Bryce is a man and like a stereotypical New York Cop for no reason, like just inexplicably straight out of Law and Order. Man Bryce is immediately sus of the M9 and is a lowkey antagonist who keeps popping up everywhere trying to arrest them. Also there's no trans/nb characters in straight CR obv, J'mon is also a man bc he's in charge so clearly he's a man, so is the leader of the Cobalt Soul. Apologies for your suffering lmao.

i wanted bryce back but at what cost,,,,,,

[straightcriticalrole]

u kno now that i think of it, the entire thing where veth has to try and decide how to balance her family and the mighty nein would be just so terrible like the entire thing would be seen as an obvious moral failing on veths part, or, even worse, as soon as she becomes a halfling again all she cares about is her family and it was just the goblin that was making her so ~deviant~

god what have i done please let me atone for my sins

[straightcriticalrole]

Oh yeah Yeza definitely cheated on Veth with Vess, cause we need that good old cheating plot, and that's the real reason why veth wanted to kill vess

AAAAAAA fuck. 

[straightcriticalrole]

:):):):') this is how cishet men write women i hate it

YES THIS IS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR TY

[straightcriticalrole]

no yeah yeza definitely hates his wife. when they find him there's a joke about how he preferred being in the dungeon of penance to being with veth every day

this makes me so sad goddamnit why did i start this blog

[straightcriticalrole]

Yeza hates his wife

:(

[straightcriticalrole]

bodo and waccoh are married but this somehow doesn't change the story at all

damn yall digging DEEP for this i had to fuckin look up who they were kljsdfls

[straightcriticalrole]

so for most of the show molly just flirts with a lot of women, but somewhere along a lot of fans start head cannoning him as gay/bi (still painfully cis) to the point where the writers make it canon right as he is dying, by confessing that he was always in love with one of the male characters and that all the other women where a method of distraction from how overwhelmingly gay he was then he dies brutally, there was no build up or consequences and he never gets mentioned again.

fuckin hell yall

[straightcriticalrole]

so like obviously nott and caleb are fucking because why would someone care about someone else unless there's a ridiculous amount of sex involved /s but they still have traces of their canon relationship but with creepy undertones, and because nott is filling the role of caregiver/romantic interest she dies horribly for maximum man angst. also nott uses a small bow that doesn't hurt the people they re fighting as much bc "sweet frail woman"

i gotta find that table of like options for women in media and start assigning those

[straightwtnv]

The Heterofication Union, So far

@straighttpp

@straighttma

@straightwtnv

@straightcriticalrole

@thehetcanisms

@straightarsparadoxica

@straightw359 

[straightwtnv]

Hello! Since this absolutely terrible phenomenon seems to be spreading exponentially, i’d love to ask all our followers if they know of any straight au blogs (for podcasts, or anything else!). if you know some not listed here, please tag them!

-Mod Alyssa

[straightcriticalrole]

Oh and jester ends up being like 20 and everyone is Shocked by how old she is, or she asks the others to guess her age and when one of them say like 20 she gets mad cause 'Shes not THAT old' cause everyone knows aging is Horrible

ugh i hate it tysm

[straightcriticalrole]

Oh and instead of being aroace Cad is saving himself for marriage, because that's what all good 'ladies' do

oh god no why would you say that

[straightcriticalrole]

I figured it out, Caduceus would be a girl because of how pink he is, and how much he like nature. Ultimately cad will end up like one of those characters who are all zen and never get mad and stuff, like the yoga? Lady from the beetle juice musical.

oh dear

[straightcriticalrole]

Jester would either become an innocent, child like lady who doesn't know what sex is and doesn't curse, or she would be keep the dick and sex jokes turned up to 11 but keep none of the other stuff, gotta keep the girls 2d some how.

hhhh,,,,

[straightcriticalrole]

Abelism warning for his submission, Lucien and Molly would be a system, but Lucien would be the "crazy", and "evil" alter. ( That made me cringe but it's what they would do)

oh god you’re *right* and i hate it this is *awful*

[straightcriticalrole]

keyleth/vax/gilmore love triangle but they're fighting over keyleth.

vax no longer has 2 hands