the Straightest Podcast

part of the Heterofication Union,  general cw for homophobia, transphobia, ableism, racism, misogyny - everything in that realm. We can tag specific things if you ask, but there are a lot of submissions, so just a warning.

[straightwtnv]

The Heterofication Union, So far

@straighttpp

@straighttma

@straightwtnv

@straightcriticalrole

@thehetcanisms

@straightarsparadoxica

@straightw359 

@thesandersstraights

@straightstarshipiris

@straighttaz

@straighta81

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tamika flynn is either a special intellectual white boy who’s ~better~ and ~smarter~ than everyone else or she’s vilified and her character is just a violent riot-inciting little monster that’s probably a dig at antifa and/or blm

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1. Cecil is a super straight white man with “super cool” magical powers who gets married to the first woman to show up in the show. He was abandoned by his father and spends all his time angsting about it.

2. Instead of being a counterpart to Cecil, Kevin is his brother. His bastard brother. The fact that he is a bastard is brought up as much as possible, and anything bad he did in the original is chalked up to daddy issues here.

3. Charles (thats DB carlos versions name right?) has a thing in one episode where he falls in love with Kevin, but someone who “knows better” tells him it’s just a phase. Eventually he gets married off to a woman who’s basically just a female clone of him, and has a son that’s also just a clone of him. His thing for Kevin is never brought up again until after he dies and Kevin (who’s also been married off to a woman who’s basically a clone of himself and had a daughter that’s also just a clone of himself) says he always loved Charles. Also their kids who are basically clones of them except one’s a boy and one’s a girl, get married.

4. Tamika Flynn is turned into a helpless waif with pretty pink bows and dresses who can’t do anything for herself.

5. Carlos is very catholic. Whenever he gets in danger he just prays to God, and he’s rescued.

6. Gay marriage is legalized, and Nightvale is subsequently destroyed via an earthquake which is explained as the judgement of God.

(i doubt anyone knows what im vaguing but i am very much vaguing something)

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There is a love triangle between Cecil, Carlos, and fem!Kevin and Cecil wins(?) even though him and Kevin are technically doubles because he's white so of course (i despise this with a burning passion im so sorry)

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Everyone still headcanons Carlos as trans, but he’s like Kalvin Garrah this time

i’m sure that would be a truly awful hetcanon if i knew who that was you’re talking about

-mod karl

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Intern Maureen actually dates Chad in the demon puppy arc, and she still leads the army, but its portrayed as 'bad' and 'this is why women should be in charge' and she's either saved by Cecil from her evil demon summoning boyfriend and dates him instead (prompting a rivalry with Dana), or Chad dies and she's the REAL big bad of the arc and Cecil has to defeat her because 'women with power are bad' tm.

i read that as “chad the demon puppy” and didn’t eveb bat an rye

-mod sarah

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Kevin doesn’t get a redemption arc because scary queercoded guy. Lauren though does because she’s just Kevin’s stupid girlfriend who was just doing what he told her to because she loved him. There’s a graphic scene of Kevin abusing her. Immediately after breaking things off with Kevin, she and Cecil bone. SWNTV is praised for their in depth depiction of abusive relationships. (I only gagged once while writing this. Should I be worried that these blogs have desensitized me?)

idk tumblr user overdramatic-queer-antagonist should you be worried that your asking me that when i don't even blink at these asks any more?

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There are a bunch of jokes about Steve going to reeducation, coming out *r-slur* and probably gay (I will increase the Steve hetcanons)

oh no 

- mod christopher

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Steve Carlsburg and Telly are the only not straight/cis/able-bodied people in NV, and that's why they get outcast (And as a positive thing, the apatche tracker gets killed immediately)

pensive emoji

-mod george

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cecil isn’t the main character bc a gay mc! what? instead, it’s steve carlsberg, who is actually a horrible person who complains about abby a lot.

(sorry)

you’re right but i’m upset about it..... ​cecil is an uwu gayboy and steve is homophobic

-mod rachel

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Sherif Sam is CIS and is unhappily married to HIs Trophy Wife, who is also cheating on him.

awful <3

-mod lana

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night vale’s weirdness is revealed to be a hallucination because cecil was “~craaaaazy~ all along”. or alternatively it was brought on by drugs. bonus points if the drugs were from some government experiment

hey op!! bad!!!! thank you for your service

-mod sasha

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i have a couple and theyre all the worst and disgusting:

carlos is the main character and not easily flustered or nerdy or awkward At All

or, counter to that, hes still autism coded but in a Bad Way (+hes a side character)

ik you have the "predatory gay cecil" but what if that exactly but he says a lot of weird things ab gay sex that are directly in conjunction w what straight people ask

also cecil is Not Jewish

strexcorp is Actually Good/the sheriffs secret police is Actually Good

dana is a Damsel in Distress™

nightvale turns out to all have been a dream (idk,, it just sounds het)

if carlos is a girl hes like,,,,,,,,,19

also seen as really annoying and the only thing cecil talks about is how hot he is

anyway take these,,,, i hope they fuck you up as much as this blogs fucked me up

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just a question: has anybody written fan fiction based off of this page? it fills me with joy but also disgust when i see you post and i was wondering if there was more.

as far as we’re aware, there has not been any. however, we’d absolutely love to see that statistic changed.....

-mod billy

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this is horrible i am sorry

Don't get me wrong, I love all the hetcanons where Carlos is a white girl with zero personality who Cecil ends up dating, but take this: They pull the classic "you're like a brother to me" trope, so after Carlos gets attacked at the bowling alley and they meet at Arby's, they do the weird manly shoulder-pat/handshake thing and say that. (:

[straightwtnv]

Carlos is still sexualized (either by Predatory Cecil which Carlos is uncom with or by every female character and Cecil is jealous of it) but it always has weird racial undertones of Carlos being a sexy Latino lover. Either way, his sexiness is his only character trait and he only exists for people to fawn over.

bad!!!!!! bad

-mod leigh

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i just came here but what is this blog about??

it’s a blog inspired by @straighttma exploring the idea of how night vale would be if it. you know. weren’t awesome and gay and in fact were very awful instead. it’s all sarcastic, very much a parody, and we’re thrilled to have you here