The Ten Plagues of the Bros
1) This is what the (Audre) LORDE says: By this you will know that I am the LORDE: With the staff that is in my hand I will strike the water, and it will be changed into Natty Light. The bros of the condos will pass out, and the frat house will crumble and thus the bros will not be able to oppress women.
2) This is what the great LORDE says: Let my women go, so that they may have income equality. If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with bros. The cities will teem with bros. They will come up into your Investment Banks and your Law Firms and into your Operating Rooms, into the Houses of your Legislature and on your laws and into your Courts. The Bros will go up on you and your women and all your rights.
3) This is what the LORDE, the God of the Women, says: “Let my women go, so that they may have access to birth control.” If you refuse to let them go and continue to hold them back, the hand of the LORDE will bring a terrible plague on your bros in the field—on your tank-top bros and your tech bros and your crunchy bro and on your hipster bro and your music festival bro and your salmon shorts bro.
4) Then the LORDE said […] “Stretch out thy rod, and smite the music of the bros, that it may become Beyonce throughout all the clubs.” […] When Beyonce stretched out her hand with the staff and struck the music of the club, Partition came upon the bros. All the music throughout the club became Yonce.
5) This is what the LORDE says: Let my women go, so that they may have safety in the streets. If you do not let my women go, I will send clouds of Axe Body spray upon you and your politicians, on your CEO and into your places of business. The offices of the Bros will be full of Axe body spray, and even the bars where they are.
6) This is what the LORDE, the God of the Women, says: “Let my people go, so that they may have equal representation in media.” If you refuse to let them go and continue to hold them back, the hand of the LORDE will bring a terrible plague on your TV shows on cable—on your Entourages and Two and a Half Mens and True Detective and on your Family Guy and South Park and Workaholics.
7) Then the LORDE said to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Elizabeth Warren, “Take handfuls of bitcoins from an unregulated exchange and have Elizabeth toss it into the air in the presence of the Winklevii. It will become fine dust over the whole land of Bro-topia, and bank accounts will be depleted for bros and bras throughout all the land.”
8) This is what the LORDE, the God of the Women, says: ‘How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? Let my women go, so that they may have careers in STEM fields. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring malware into your devices tomorrow. They will cover the screen of your laptop so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the virus, including every app that is in your phone. They will fill your tablets and those of all your bros—something neither your fathers nor your forefathers have ever seen from the day they first got a smart phone till now.
9) Then the LORDE said to Wendy Davis, “Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that disenfranchisement will spread over Bro-land—disenfranchisement that can be felt.” So Wendy stretched out her hand toward the sky, and total disenfranchisement covered all Broland for Election day. No bro could vote or state his stupid political opinion for the whole day.
10) This is what the LORDE says: ‘About 5 o’clock, I will go throughout Bra-merica. Every bro with an MBA will be fired, from the Bro in investment banking who violates the SEC, to the bro in securities, who bundles bad mortgages, and all the bros of insurance as well. There will be loud wailing throughout Bra-merica—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.’
