It’s too late for me. You should probably save yourself. I’m too tired to get up from the table, let alone do something with the cards that I’ve been dealt.
Now, don't get me wrong, my ex-wife is the love of my life and I would never knowingly hurt her. However, while I was busting my butt on the road like a dog, she would sit around the house and do nothing. I mean, yeah, she had cancer, but she couldn't vacuum? And since the chemo made her "not in the mood", I had no choice but to have threesomes on the road.
Apparently, porn isn’t allowed on tumblr. I have over 3k posts. There is no way in hell I am going through all the garbage I have reposted to delete all the amazing porn and hentai I’ve reblogged. Especially after logging back in and seeing my avatar, and theme basically purged. I am legitimately surprised this still exists. Fuck Yahoo. Fuck whoever owns tumblr. Fuck this platform. I have wasted one of my days off. I’m ready to go find where ever this coronavirus testing area is and get infected if I’m not already a carrier. Locals have been canceled. I got incels with some sort of a vendetta giving me garbage and I am doing my best not to lose my mind, go mental, and end up as some throwaway segment on the local news.
This isn't goodbye forever. It is more akin to a "see you later." I've taken a huge hit when it comes to hardware and while I can try to half-ass something on minimalist hand-me-downs, I would rather not produce anything unless it's worth your time. I could point the finger towards a lot of people, places, or things, but the cold hard truth is that I have procrastinated on my personal well-being, mental health, and financial responsibilities.
I've let relationships and friendships fall by the wayside and I refuse to allow my own toxicity to touch my art.
Where I am is not where I want nor should be, but that doesn't mean I will stop pushing for the day I get everything I want and need for better or for worse and projects that have been shelved will still continue to be refined.
In the meantime, feel free to DM me on Twitter or Instagram if you have any potential opportunities to offer.
I've considered starting ba GoFundMe or a Patreon, but there are a ton of things that unfortunately take higher priority.
You should've left me to die when you had the chance because I promise I will come back even stronger, better, and more consistent. If I said that a part of me wasn't suicidal at times, then I would be lying, but for whatever reason, I now have a second wind from being forced into isolation opposed to the self inflicted reclusiveness. I've been backed into a corner and for someone who's wanted nothing but to die the past couple of years, I found my opening. This is my life and I'm coming out swinging.
Thank you to those who have supported me from the shadows and in plain sight. I appreciate you all. For those of you who want me dead, thank you. I remembered why suicide is not an option for consideration. I live in spite of those who despise me and I'd rather die failing and flailing in an attempt to prove these people wrong, then give up before trying.
There's something about artificial romance and augmented intelligence that makes it difficult to look at nostalgia objectively.
Even though the scene played out as I imagined, I couldn't play the role because it was disingenuous. This is honestly. This is reality.
You know what you did was wrong even if there were good intentions behind it. I don't think I can ever forgive you and allowing myself to be vulnerable to anyone again is now a pipe dream. However, I know I did at one point argue that if people who went to an MF Doom show enjoyed the experience only to learn the guy behind the mask wasn't the real Doom, that they should at least be happy they enjoyed the moment, this is different. Things such as love and emotions shouldn't be scripted or fabricated unless both parties are aware. I hate you and I will never forgive you.
Caffeine in soap? Pure genius. Too bad it's never getting used. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqdvT4hFCLh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=10d2nhs1pc9n6
It’s the first time I’ve logged into this for a long time. Initially, I was going to move my website here, and try and figure out how the hell to redirect the domain URL I pay for, but got sidetracked, depressed, and a whole gang of excuses. I’m done making excuses. However, it should be noted, even posts I’ve tagged as personal should be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing should be taken at face value. Even if you know me personally, you are almost always better off asking whether or not I am or was serious about something I may or may not have posted
I mean FFS I threw in so many memes, in-jokes, and subtle references that I am still to this day dumbfounded how anyone can take the last post seriously. For the minute amount of people that care, I am still creating content. However, that content won’t be posted for a while due to circumstances and other things taking priority. I’d post a PayPal button to donate, but even that I have to fix. Not to mention I misplaced my Cash card. Maybe if I get a PO Box, I’ll post that so you can send me money, gifts, a new phone, or poison me. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. Freelancing thus far does not pay the debt I am in. It doesn’t help that I got demonetized. Also, clicking ads on my website doesn’t help if you don’t intend to actually do anything that is being advertised towards you. There’s just too much on my plate and I could really use some help, but other people are too preoccupied with their own lives so I have no other choice but to figure it all out on my own. Maybe when a good friend comes home, I might be able to speed things up. God willing. Frankly, I shouldn’t have to rely on anyone, but those who want to help are more than willing to. Those who take things too seriously need to take a chill pill. Legally. Apparently it’s been nine months. Maybe I’ll post again before the end of the year. Who knows?
the past six years abridged; how to get a girlfriend, become a depressed alcoholic, method act your way out of a toxic relationship, get sober, and come to terms with terrible choices from your youth.
So, I started typing this on my website and started having too much fun with it. While this started as a humous satire, I intend on send the link out to avoid answering the generic “WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?” question from people. If you are one of those people, then take notes. There might be a quiz.
Gotta have a way to separate friends who actually want to have a conversation and past acquaintances checking in making sure I’m still alive and haven’t gone off the rails again and died.
Get a job. Work the dead-end job that tells people they want to inspire with their mission statement only to waste five years getting overlooked despite working hard while being told to cut your hair and shave your beard. Start going to the bar next to your job after your shift. Go to the bar before mandatory store meetings and justify it by reminding people you commute to work, worked the morning shift, and have hours to kill and would rather not waste money taking the bus home and back before the mandatory meeting that occurs in the afternoon. Become an alcoholic. You are now a highly functioning alcoholic.
Contemplate how you’re going to get home because the hurricane has affected the public transportation you rely on. Get invited over to co-workers apartment. Get a girlfriend. Have your significant other move in with you. By move in, I mean slowly start leaving their things at your place and eventually stop leaving despite never inviting her to stay.
Flirt with other girls in front of your girlfriend. Have girlfriend lock the back door of your job while it's raining because you were showing the cute scene/hipster girl (who is only working at your location temporarily while her store is undergoing renovations) where the dumpster is after being asked where to throw the garbage out. Make sure girl you are blatantly flirting with has the same name as current girlfriend. Joke about getting them Thing 1 and Thing 2 shirts. Never actually cheat on your girlfriend because you told yourself you will try not to be womanizing jerk and turn over a new leaf despite being drunk and stranded at her apartment because of a hurricane when asking out current girlfriend who has invaded your personal living space. The least you could do is not be an asshole and cross that line.
Side note: While infidelity is rarely acceptable, I can’t exactly be any person to judge considering things I may or may not have done in my high school and college youth.
Have a casual conversation with significant other evolve into a passive aggressive argument due to having differing goals. Have conversation end with girlfriend going to sleep angry. “If you don’t want to ever get married or have kids, then what’s the point?” Have an epiphany. Realize you probably shouldn't date a girl who wants to get married and have kids when you have no desire to do either. Everything is going okay so there's no reason to break up.
Go meet up with one of your best friends. Awkwardly ask for advice while best friend and her boyfriend play Pokemon in public. Tell friend story about girl who has the same name as current girlfriend. “I’m judging you right now.” Give confused look because you know this friend has a habit of love triangles while trying not to be obvious because her boyfriend is also siting at the table. Drink your iced coffee.
Lie to yourself and assume because things are currently well that it's okay to remain with your current girlfriend. Plan. Seriously. Plan. Long-term. Go through the motions and routine that you would normally do after a break up while still in the relationship.
Start watching anime again.
Put on B Gata H Kei Yamada’s First Time in hopes the girlfriend will be disgusted by the trashy borderline hentai, ecchi rom-com anime. It’s only fair. You sat through some show about a pregnant high school teenager, Dear John, and The Notebook. Grey’s Anatomy was okay.
Girlfriend actually enjoys show and gets upset if you watch an episode without her.
Start playing video games again.
Girlfriend loves you and decides to button mash with Noel Vermillion while you rush down with Jin Kisaragi. Let girlfriend win occasionally because it’s a dick move not to.
I don’t care if she’s my girlfriend or not. If someone is new and doesn’t understand the meta-game, then do not steam roll them. If you perfect both rounds and win both matches straight, then your chances of getting a blowjob or laid that night probably are not in your favor.
Playing BlazBlue Calamity Trigger and watching anime has not driven girlfriend away. Next Phase.
Flirt with your girlfriend's co-worker in front of your girlfriend. Transfer to a different store. Going forward, girlfriend’s co-worker will be referred to as other girl. Get promoted. Blatantly flirt with other girl in front of girlfriend. Other girl also transfers to a different store. Vape in other girl's car in front of girlfriend's place of employment.
Get really "happy." Collaborate with girl on story. Awkwardly try to explain how you and other girl casually met up randomly and decided to kill time together while waiting for girlfriend to go on break.
Have girlfriend become extremely jealous and possessive.
This is important. Take notes. Attention to detail is IMPORTANT. Have girlfriend peer over your shoulder while you snapchat with other girl.
Randomly receive a call late at night from a friend that you may or may not have had drunken hook ups from high school you after your girlfriend has fallen asleep. Humor drunk girl on phone while chain smoking cigarettes in the driveway. Consider taking the keys to meet up with drunk friend from high school, but see a raccoon. Take wild animal in garbage as a sign and decide against it.
Have girlfriend read your texts. Change all your passwords. Have your girlfriend get even more jealous and possessive. The wheels are now in motion.
Throw a get together for NYE. Best friend from junior high gets drunk and throws up. Best Mate walks him home. Girlfriend drives co-worker back to his apartment. You are now alone with other girl. Have older brother be completely oblivious to the situation and unintentionally cock block you.
Seriously?
If you see your sibling alone with an attractive member of the opposite (or same I don’t judge) sex, drinking on the couch, with his arm around her shoulder, on New Years Eve, notice that his two best friends are gone AND MOST OF ALL his girlfriend is driving a co-worker home, then get the hell out of the living room.
DO NOT be that sibling.
Best mate and girlfriend return. Accept that you have a disappointment of a brother and that he might have some form of minor autism. Enjoy ringing in the New Year. Other girl drives best mate home. Have best mate tell you that the other girl was more intoxicated than memory recalls and that he probably could have when getting dropped off but didn't because RESPECT.
Have girlfriend occasionally visit your at new location. Get extremely piss drunk with other girl and girlfriend on a regular basis. Get wasted on your birthday. Have friend from college talk to your girlfriend while you and the other girl have an awkwardly long and drawn out hug. At this moment, protag-kun and other girl-chan’s faces are literally inches away from...
College buddy attempts to block girlfriend’s field of vision.
Friend from college gets pulled over. Other girl is too drunk to drive. Take keys away from other girl. Drive your girlfriend's car while girlfriend drives the other girl’s car.
ENJOY YOUR AWKWARD CAR RIDE HOME. By now, there should be passive aggressive tension building. Pay more attention to other girl. Blatantly.
Other girl asks if you can cover a shift at her store. Work shift. A week later, girlfriend tags along when you drive half an hour to other girl’s new store to pick up tips from the shift prior. Receive a cute and adorable long drawn out hug from other girl.
Out of context, one could easily mistake the girlfriend as the third wheel.
THIS IS IMPORTANT AND CRITICAL. TAKE NOTES. SUBTLE DETAILS AND NUANCES ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.
Notice during hug that girlfriend now has her fists balled up. Give other girl the platonic back pat.
Go out for drinks with other girl, girlfriend, and one of her co-workers. Girlfriend nonchalantly suggest a threesome. Laugh awkwardly as other girl avoids answering the question. Girlfriend points out that the other girl hasn't said no.
You are in the passenger's seat holding hands with the other girl in her car while your girlfriend is in the backseat joking about a three-way. Get your hopes up. Don’t. Next Phase.
Test the waters and see if other girl might consider the hypothetical three-way brought up prior. “Jokingly” ask your girlfriend if she was serious about that threesome. Have girlfriend become upset with you despite having the girlfriend suggesting the idea,
Other girl develops a life-threatening habit. Reluctantly accompany other girl to purchase said habit. Have awkward silence in car while waiting for the merchant. Confront other girl about habit and mention the two friends from your past and show concern. Explain that this habit can and more times than not will kill. Do not shame. Do not judge.
This may come as a surprise, but people die when they are killed.
Other girl smiles and thanks you for you concern, but assures you not to worry about her. Even though this is a lie, accept it and slowly pull out of the driveway after transaction. You tried.
ANYWAYS.
Girlfriend visits you at work. There is no lasagna. Girlfriend is filled with jealousy towards new employee because she slightly resembles the emo hipster girl from prior year only by hairstyle and choice of make up.
ALL HIPSTER SCENE KIDS AND EMO GIRLS LOOK THE SAME TO GIRLFRIEND-CHAN.
Protag-kun is confused.
During the summer, get really drunk. Drunk with other girl and gf-chan. Really drunk. I mean it. Drink an excessive amount that will impair judgement to the point of potentially making a questionably regrettable decision, but not enough where one cannot stop one self.
Bartender jokingly asks if other girl and you are going to have a threesome with girlfriend-chan. Did you take notes earlier? This is important. Always prioritize other girl while in public with girlfriend-chan. If strangers do not assume other girl and you are in a relationship and gf-chan is the third wheel, then you are doing it wrong, If gf-chan has someone buy her a drink from another person at the bar, then you are on the “right” track.
What was I talking about again? Remember that hug. Remember that balled fist? If you have been taking notes, and shame on you if you haven’t, then this will pay off.
Other girl has obviously unintentional or not, stolen the affection of protag-kun in front of gf-chan. Cold. Blooded.
Tonight is one of the first nights you will have closed the bar with the bartender that has taken a liking to the three of you. It’s not a matter of time, but a matter of timing. If one pulls the trigger too soon, disasters of epic proportions can and will occur. However, if one attempts to use this technique of method acting to escape a relationship, then like any competitive player in the FGC, it is key to read your opponent and react accordingly. Do not run in blindly or you will get punished.
Outside of the bar, girlfriend-chan dismisses other girl’s complete lack of inhibitions and gives her a quick one shoulder hug goodbye. Other girl jumps onto protag-kun who is clearly intoxicated.
This hug might as well be that scene in your favorite movie that drags down the pace of the action with it’s info dump and exposition. It’s almost as if you could hear someone in the audience yell, ‘JUST FUCK ALREADY” while completely disregarding the fact the long, drawn out farewell hug is between other girl and protag-kun.
You ask the other girl if she’s okay to drive. She turns and rests her head on your chest, but doesn’t answer. You hear a car door slam. She looks up and suddenly notice your foreheads are pressed against each other.
You ever watch an animu and sit through two seasons and in the last episode, you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for them to finally kiss and a cell phone rings because the little sister just had to let them know their cat just had kittens? Well this ain’t no animu son.
There ain’t no cell phone ring. There’s a car horn.
Bars typically close around 1-2 AM in your suburban neighborhood and this dive hole in the wall looks like a house. This sound from the single horn of the car snaps you out of it and you remember that other girl is not your girlfriend and girlfriend-chan is already in the car waiting for you. With each passing second gf-chan slowly goes from dandere to yandere.
In dating sims, typically their’s a scene here the animation is turned up to eleven and you are presented with two choices.
SIKE this ain’t no dating sim son.
You feel her breath as her arms are wrapped around you. Other girl can barely stand if she wasn’t hanging off protag-kun’s neck. Do you give her the platonic back pat or do you lean in for a kiss? Neither. You jackass. You give the back rub, single pat, transition your hands to other girl’s hips, and slowly take one step back.
“I should probably get going.”
Other girl forces a smile through her drunk yet disappointed eyes. Other girl knows protag-kun has a girlfriend. Protag-kun smiles back. His eyes were indifferent. You wanted and waited for this moment.
Protag-kun recalls a throwaway scene from season zero when he had an extra ticket to see Motion City Soundtrack and The Front Bottoms. He invited other girl and while she never rejected or accepted the invitation, she waited an excessively long time to cancel last minute, texting the night prior with some excuse that was haphazardly put together. No bitch. You do not get to be sad or disappointed.
That was it buddy. You could have cheated on gf-chan with other girl and ended the relationship you spent months trying to escape, but your conscious or the car horn decided that tonight was not that night. You do not get to kiss other girl. Anyone following the manga would be rage-quitting at this point and posting on rumblr or teddit with comments like, THIS IS OUT OF CHARACTER I DON’T GET IT
IN THE EARLY VOLUMES OF MY JAPANESE COMIC BOOKS, PROTAG-KUN WAS NOT ONLY TWO TIMING, NOT THREE TIMING, BUT MAYBE FOUR TIMING WITH NO HESITATION? WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE?
Character development? Growing up? I don’t know.
Trying to hold back the desire to accept other girl’s forward embrace, you turn around and slowly walk to your ride home. Other girl slowly walks in the opposite direction towards her car. With your hand on the door you glance back and in that split second, it’s as if two hearts were in sync. Obligatory head tilt from other girl.
Hope you save scummed because this is the point of no return. Other girl’s route is closed.
Their eyes meet one final time and are locked in that moment. Actions speak louder than words and as you slowly open the door, your gaze does not avert for a single second. Stunned, other girl starting back like a deer in headlights fumbles through her purse, pretending to look for her keys, but never breaking eye contact as if frozen.
Did other girl want you to kiss her? I don’t know. Maybe? It’s probably just your imagination. You sit down and remember who’s car your sitting in. It’s girlfriend-chan. Before you could fasten your seatbelt and light a cigarette, she speeds off.
GF-chan has every reason to be furious, but driving erratically after drinking probably isn’t the best idea. Slow down. These are the words you want to say, but cannot bring yourself to say. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Ration and reason has no effect on enraged GF-chan. This is something you have learned after months of dating and living with said creature. Sometimes it’s best to stay quiet.
Not a single word was spoken for the remainder of the night. The two arrive home and head to bed without conversing once. No goodnight. No kiss, No hug. No I love you. Nothing. She just tucked herself in and rolled over.
Normally, it’d be natural to want to spoon and comfort girlfriend, but all you could do was stare at the ceiling and wonder if walking away was the right choice.
This was the path you chose. These were the decisions you made. You played the role of the boyfriend. While emotionally pulling out, you may have concurrently reawakened feelings that may never fade. Can’t stop now. You have to see this through.
After all, aside from protag-kun and mind-reading ESPers, no one has a clue that his year long plan, was already underway. On the surface, it just appeared as if protag-kun and kanojo-chan were a normal couple. Eating, sleeping and, living together, but nothing is ever as it seems behind closed doors.
Emotionally pull out? Check. Plant seeds of doubt? Check. Intentionally not swing the bat? You better believe that was part of the plan.
No one likes that part of the plan, but it’s absolutely essential. No one likes dwelling on what ifs. In terms of morality, you did the right thing, but your heart tells you otherwise. That hug, while it was not the first nor last embrace, it was a significant defining moment. That meek forced smile hiding disappointment. It haunts you in your sleep. You’ve seen that smile before. It’s the smile that says goodbye.
You wanted out. Well. To get out, you have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices you may not agree with or like. That’s just how the game is. The pieces are in play and now it’s time to wait.
Eventually you treat car like a divorced couple sharing a child. Transfer to a higher volume store in hopes of getting noticed by the District Manager to further climb the corporate coffee shop ladder. Drive to girlfriend's job. Get invited for drinks by girlfriend's co-workers.
Notice one of her co-workers reminds you of yourself back in your college years when talking to multiple girls and being a womanizing piece of trash was daily routine.
Even reformed villains turned anti-hero can smell a cheater and player a mile away. Game recognizes game. Use this to your advantage. Emotionally pull out of relationship and blame disconnect on stress from high volume store in upper middle class mall.
This is what you were waiting for. You’ve changed. You’re not who you used to be, but to move forward, you must confront your past sitting right in front of you.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Get invited for drinks. Tell girlfriend it’s okay to go. You don’t mind staying at home. If she hasn’t vented to a co-worker or mutual friend by now on how you have been emotionally neglecting her, then you need to go back to training.
So why intentionally plant seeds of doubt only to begrudgingly turn down an opportunity? Well jackass it’s simple. When the girlfriend cheats, and spoiler alert, she eventually will, either physically or emotionally, then that is the out you have been waiting for. When you’re backed up to a corner, sometimes you have to wait for that single second where you can roll out of harms way before another combo starts.
Anyone can button mash Noel, but real players know her neutrals are deadly and once a chain is started, you better know when to block, dodge, and get out of harms way or you’re done for.
They say love is war, that it’s a battle field. To some extent, it’s true. You have to know how to attack, weighing risk versus reward, read your opponent, and know how to defend and counter.
This entire time you’ve been in the corner, allowing yourself to get punished, but timing is everything openings are few and far between.
You were waiting for a mirror match. So that’s why you sandbagged. This is why you emotionally pulled out. This is why you let intentionally dropped a combo and waited to see if your opponent would take the bait and now the game just flipped the switch.
Hope you were taking notes. Don’t only pay attention to their reactions, but also pay attention to your own movements. That’s how you bait. That’s how you catch. That’s how you escape. By knowing what it looks like to be interested in another person other than your significant other, understanding body language, speaking patterns, and nuance, attention to detail, then well...
Do I have to spell it out for you?
Okay. You wanted out. This is your out. You waited for a new challenger to appear. Time to throw the fight. You can’t do an Astral Finish in round two. It has to be round three.
You start to notice every seed of doubt begin to blossom. How can you not? You planted those seeds so now you get to sit back and watch them grow. Everyone has different tells, but also, the longer you live with someone, the more likely you are to pick up their habits. The nervous indirect answering. Never having been faithful until this relationship, these actions are not foreign to you. You know most lies, excuses, and tricks. Now it’s time to know defeat. You are going to feel betrayal. These feelings aren’t because you love her. No. It’s because you don’t. You pulled out, waited for a new challenger, and she took the bait. These emotions aren’t from her. They are from everyone you’ve hurt before her. Because you chose not to end it early, and push her to cheat, you now know the pain you inflicted on the handful that have come before.
I’ve heard the phrase, you either die a hero or watch yourself become a villain. It works both ways. You can die a villain or live long enough to execute the heel face-turn. It’s not easy. A lot of people will reject the idea. But betrayal and deceit is the torture and price you pay for the trail of used up and spit out hearts from the past you treated as disposable objects. Anybody can turn into a heartless. There’s a reason why nobodies are fewer in number.
Well this second act has dragged on long enough. Don’t dish out what you can’t take. It hurt, but not for the reasons anyone can assume from a surface reading. It hurt because it was sobering to remember that his is what I did to others.
So you have confirmation. Now you have to wait for proof. The wait honestly wasn’t long as this must have been cowgirl’s first rodeo. Honestly? You never leave any evidence if you don’t want to get caught. If you don’t want to get caught, then you have to pay attention to how you act, how you sound, how you speak, how you look. That’s why I said to take notes while planting the seeds of doubt. If you weren’t familiar of how it looks to have wandering eyes, then you are now. So now you have proof now what?
Pulling off an astral finish not only requires one round being thrown, it also requires your own health to in the red. The opponent, at least with Noel’s 236236C has to be in just the right sweet spot or that 100 meter will be wasted.
You ask one more time and you hear denial. You gave them the opportunity, but they have shown weakness. While you displayed restraint, when they were baited, they took it, and out of button mashing habit
You countered, but they’ve just been mashing buttons and having no restraint, can’t stop themselves from walking right into the finale. It’s not a 236236C Valkyrie Veil, it’s a 214214C Astral Finish.
Repeat their response. Repeat the lie they just spoke. In this moment, you know, and they know, they’ve been found out.
I could care less if someone wants to paint me as the bad guy. There were plenty of people dong so before I revealed the details to a T
Hook. Line. Sinker. I wanted out. I never physically betrayed this person. I emotionally pulled out a year prior. She didn’t hurt me. My past hurt me. That’s the danger of having a conscious.
Break-ups are rarely ever clean. Despite having dropped out emotionally early on, some people on facebook tried to find any sliver a bitterness, and try and tie that to this. I love reading that comment thread to this day.
It was messy because I forced her hand to be messy. I let go of the leash, and she ran for the meat, but never learned the most important thing is to cover your poop.
You rarely see cats on leashes compared to dogs.
You can’t outfox a hyena.
Get Fired. Kick your girlfriend out. Buy a car. Have your brother follow you to her job. Park your new car far away from her job. Have your brother drive you home. Hop in her beater, and drop off the keys.
To this day, I still don’t pay for my own Hulu. That’s what you get for not paying the last month of your phone bill.
You can say every mean thing you can come up with, but I never once relied on this person. I waited until I had enough money saved to put a down payment. She broke a number of my old MacBooks. I got every penny she owed me and then some. You never offered to pay, That’s how you saved up. Wrong. Remember that throwaway paragraph about the concert tickets. Not rejecting only to cancel the night prior is not accepting the invitation, nor is it denying. I always reached for my wallet. Slowly. That is what impatience gets you. The bill. When I offered to pay, this person became so conditioned by their own impatience to pay, that they would refuse. They would take my card out and put their card in.
I’m not a mooch. I’m not bitter. I simply know how to line up the domino pieces and wait for someone to knock them all over.
As I walk out of that coffee shop, she asked how I’m getting home, I wave my new keys and tell her not to worry about it.
Get drunk. Get really drunk. I mean, so drunk that you end up waking up in the bed of a girl you used to hook with in high school drunk. Obviously you just pulled off the double-turn, so as a face, you don’t take advantage of her. Jackass.
Crazy thing about turning face. No one ever accepts it. No one ever truly will. There are some that want you to turn heel again.
But this post is just like the wishes that cookie-less Oreo Kyubei grants. Be careful what you wish for or you just might get it. Get it in spades.
Grab drinks with other girl. Wonder if she’s happy in her current relationship, Lose restraint and somehow embarrass yourself to the point where you’ve been deleted off most social media by other girl.
If there’s one mistake I had to learn twice before it truly stuck, it was this. Not all doors remain open forever and you can’t just pick up where you left off. The world keeps spinning so you gotta run along with it or get left behind and find your own path.
Get a job. Get two more jobs. Decide which job out of the three stress you out the least. Quit two jobs.
Just kidding. Don't quit. Give your notice to one job. Stop showing up to another job. Work hard at current job. Have co-workers react surprised when you tell them you didn't get a raise.
Pretend like politics don't exist in the work place and lie to yourself. Tell yourself that hard work, dedication, and persistence is the key for the cream to rise to the top.
Get fired. It's okay. You were only trying to punch out for lunch because most medication advises you eat prior to taking them. Get unemployment benefits because your former employer did not accommodate your medical needs that they were informed of on multiple occasions. Send written request for all employee records.
Apply for work. Take whatever job prospects your freelance fingers can get. Submit proposals.
Ignore the things that made you happy.
Realize that you are not happy. Try getting sober. Stare at package containing employee records for months.
Get six months of sobriety. Have your car repossessed because car insurance is not only mandatory in New Jersey, but also expensive and you know those unemployment benefits and chump change from freelance work is not going to cut it. Risk your health. Stop taking your medication.
Your friend you’ve known from middle school died. Blame yourself.
Accept that you could have been a better friend. Accept that it’s not your fault. Adults make their own choices. You said it yourself. You showed restraint in the face of temptation. While others are presented do not. I miss him. I didn’t appreciate him. He’s gone forever and I miss the annoying cals and pestering texts. Despite how annoying he was, there was a gem of genuine empathy, humor, and “realness” sprinkled between the parts I could have done without and miss.
I was never said about the break up. I’ve been beating myself up for being the little shit I used to be. Even after making the decision to quit drinking, not leaving my ex, waiting for the cards to be in play, so she could believe she left on her own terms. It was my friend from middle school dying during the holidays. It’s my friend who’s in treatment. It’s my friend who has more time than I do, but questions whether or not he wants to go back.
It’s because I’ve finished that arc, that part of my life. It’s because I’ve been doing nothing but filler lately. Despite not having my heart in the last part, and my heart in the wrong places, it was somewhere. It had purpose. Floating around, waiting for something to happen, and chasing dreams is heartbreaking. Learning that all the raging against the machine you did in your youth and working outside the system is coming back to bite and bite hard.
Finally open package. Desire to drink is at max capacity.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live. I won’t chase Death. I thought about it, down to the exact location where I would overdose. Until I actually did the math and because of how long I’ve been on the medication, I would need three months worth to maybe be lethal. Think about that and realize that is 360 pills to swallow. They taste like shit. I wasn’t allowed to die when I took two bottles of sleeping pills. I’m not waiting three months and suffering withdrawals to attempt to shove 360 pills down when I can barely take two without a carbonated beverage or seltzer water. Death needs to chase me and he or she is taking their sweet time.
Live fast. Die young, but if only the good die young, then I guess my face-turn failed. I turned heel too early and although I have friends who assure me that I’ve paid for my sins....
I ask well when is the carousel going to finish it’s rotation. Every bad luck streak I’ve had ends and is followed. I’m waiting for something good, It’s waiting for something good. When I become who or what I need to be, then I guess whatever I’ve been waiting for, might be waiting for me. That’s the only positive way to look at my despair. I wasn’t lying when I got fired and said I’ve been the happiest since. That was never a lie. Bad things have happened since then, but getting fired was simply coincidental. If I was still working there, when all the bad things that happened since them occurred, then I might have had the means to extra funds to have off myself. So for whatever reason, I’m still here. I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I don’t say that to be depressing or pretentious. I say it because the state of existing is a fact. It’s neither good nor bad. Good things happen to bad people and this bad Mama Jama has patience. I mean, with the life I’ve led, I have no option but to be patient.
I don’t feel anything anymore but shame and regret. I’ve made amends with my father and let go of so much hatred. I made my bed, but my insomnia despite my medication won’t let me lie in it. I want to feel alive again. I want something more than this. I don’t know what it is and it might be right in front of me waiting for me to realize it and become whoever or whatever I need to be. I want my motivation and drive back. I want direction. I want purpose. I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I’m not happy. I’m not angry. I’m alive. I’m waiting. I’ve grown inpatient.
“I’m not sad anymore. I’m just tired of this place”
Oh hey it’s a remix I did and became my most played song for only being posted for a month. I reuploaded the finished version because the first revision was too quiet from inversion.
I almost forgot that I had a tumblr. I suppose I’ll use this as a blog for the time being until I eventually recode my actual web page.
I have let my anxiety completely consume me and as painful as it is, I have become numb to the self-inflicted loneliness. While it’s nice having a handful of people reach out and check in on me every now and then, it’s more of a blow to my deflated ego realizing for all my talk and planning, I haven’t been able to move past whatever mental block I self-imposed. I need to find a job by the end of the year or at least find my documentation because I’ll have no income after UI runs out and if I can’t find the paperwork that proves that I’m a legal citizen, it will be damn near impossible to go on disability. Part of this blog post is honestly a rough draft for an NHK/Watamote analysis video. Telling someone with crippling anxiety to just get over it and blah blah blah is akin to telling someone who’s paralyzed from the waist down to just get up and walk. The desire to interact with others is there, but I can’t put into words why it’s difficult to so much answer the phone, send a text, type an email, or fill out a job application.
Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten so used to being let down for the past five years that I find it difficult to get my hopes up. I blame sobriety. I blame the fourth step. Seriously. Taking inventory and seeing things from a point of view that it’s fueled by alcohol, sex, or drug-abuse is awful. You realize how much of a dirt bag you were and while it has allowed me to forgive damn near almost everyone I had ill feelings towards, it’s lead me down a path of self hatred. The realization of reality. I’m not who I used to be and in fact I never was. I know who I am now, but it feels hollow without others.
How do I explain this? I suppose it’s because I spent two thirds of my life using the mirror effect, to have people like me, and well the reasons people hate, are mere reflections of themselves. I remember a conversation I had with Sambam explaining how faking empathy is an easy concept. Hard to digest, but not difficult to execute. Maybe it’s because I’ve done it for so long that it’s natural. You listen. You respond. Paraphrase. You don’t even have to agree. I remember explaining this form of social engineering to her and her outright rejecting that is what the situation was as I pointed out line by line in an AIM conversation she was showing me.
Actually that explains why the whole Lucy thing got me all fucked up in the head because when you’re so damn used to reading and reflecting people, conversing with someone who’s a better listener, and speaks less is downright shattering. It explains why a handful of girls have shown interest in me. They think I’m mysterious and want to know more and I only reveal my true self if I’m comfortable or bored with them.
So who am I? I’m a guy. I like to think of myself as an artistic yet analytical. I play music. I edit videos. I’ve worked in the god damn service industry for far too long. I like anime and video games. I outright will put off anything highly praised until it’s finished. Everyone wouldn't shut up about Breaking Bad, but who the fuck talks about it now? I just checked out Madoka this past week or so. I’m a shell of someone who never existed. That’s why I feel like a child.
I can appreciate mainstream music and also listen to a ton of Japanese rock without knowing half the language. I like bad movies. Seriously. Vanilla Sky is one of my favorites. I’ve seen Abre los Ojos but god damn reading subtitles is a pain in the ass.
I can focus on shit I care about just fine without my medication, but anything and everything else is a pain in the ass. Getting up in the morning is a chore and without my medication, I probably wouldn’t leave my room much less my house.
I’m tired of being let down. That’s why I only converse with a select few. Those few are people who have either never let me down, or have, but still are honest people with good hearts that accept me despite my flaws.
I hate the idea of letting anyone down, but in my defense, I gave up on life in 2009 when I tried to kill myself and I’m only living out of obligation because society has some fucking twisted idea that suicide is selfish. I can’t fathom not wanting to burden others to be selfish.
Someone. Anyone. Explain this to me.
Even when opportunity knocks, or when the phone rings, or vibration from a notification has me staring at it blankly. Like, I typed all of this out and I can’t figure out why I don’t want to try. Sobriety fucking sucks. When I drank, it was easier to ignore these inhibitions. However, I have an addictive personality, so it’s not exactly something I can allow myself to fall back into.
I haven’t lost enough to get back up. If the experiences I’ve had in my life are to be used as a scientific example, then I’m at my best when the chips are down and everything is hopeless. Somehow, it’s like I have a limit break in real life. I remember back in 2010 after going crazy from a pain killer addiction, dropping out of college, and the office job, company closing down, in that summer, I somehow was charismatic enough to entice people. I have no idea how or why, but I’ll be damned if I could explain why a group of kids listened to my schizophrenic nonsense or why three girls were briefly infatuated with me, but it’s a thing that happened.
The sad part is that I don’t remember the bulk of it.
That’s why I spent the past six months recovering data when a large chunk of it was locked during a botched upgrade to macOS High Sierra beta.
Like they really fucking should have put in GIANT BOLD LETTERS that it’s not meant for HDDs and should only be installed on SSDs. I hold onto the 10TBs of data I have scattered though multiple drives. Some are redundant, but the reason and fuck you Jason I don’t care if it’s not helping me at the moment
I hold onto it because maybe I left something for myself. I know when I was in Anti-Christ Kefka mode, I wrote notes and instructions to myself and others. That’s why I feel the need to sift through and delete the junk data. It’s in hopes that I’ll be able to recover whatever memories I don’t have access to.
It’s become far too common that someone will mention something I did, and regardless if I remember or not, I’ve come to accept it as truth because for a portion in time, I don’t remember anything.
Explaining the feeling of wanting to find or recover memories to someone else feels stupid because the amount of people who can’t remember months to a year of their life are few and far between.
Maybe it’s because I’m curious as to what happened. I’m even more curious as to what the hell I said or did that was charismatic enough to attract friends and former love.
I’m tired of letting people down, but that doesn't mean I don’t want to try. I just need to live life at my own pace. It’s difficult explaining to people how or why I am slow, but if you take the past twelve years into account, the phrase live fast die young should explain it. I have an ungodly amount of stories to tell within a small time frame and now that I’m sober, taking one day at a time is too much. I can only take one minute, or what’s in front of me. I can’t handle making plans or the future. It’s because I lost the past that the future freaks me out.
I promise I’ll continue to try. By that I mean, I’ll try to try. I can’t make any guarantees.
I spent more time trying on the artwork and said good enough. Mash-up of English, movie, and original version. Headphones because panning.. - 「RADWIMPS 」Posted 14 minutes ago14 minutesAlternative Rock
I only say this from the perspective that I literally have a script in place incase all my devices go offline for more than 72 hours, to trigger an automated message to a friend to and the link eventually leads to a password protected archive file, but. it just feels wrong.
So... we're just going to not talk about it? I mean, I'm cool with that and a community based off the commonality of enjoying his content, but damn hindsight is 20/20. I felt something off when his Asuka Analysis video went private for a day or so and wish I had backed up all his videos. I mean, if he didn't want anyone to find him, he wouldn't have left a trail at all. He would've just silently walked off stage. It just feels wrong. I bet he wishes his name wasn’t a topic of discussion amongst at least 57 people on the server currently online at 3:40 AM EST but I know one day he might appreciate knowing people cared about him. People he has never met, lives he’s touched and changed forever.
I have a lot to think about. I need to take a walk. If I ever get a chance to converse with him, then I hope I remember to ask him how he basically scrubbed his existence off the surface net so well that even Google searching his handle leads you in circles. I doubt he’ll ever read this, but god damn. He had a suave voice that lulled me to sleep when my Xanax wouldn’t. That’s not an insult. I know I’m being cryptic as shit, but I don’t think typing his handle would do any good. All it would do is draw the wrong kind of attention. God dammit.
germansingergirl
ellievsbear
