Mountains In The Sky

The sky presents an eternally unfolding spectacle.

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Careful what you wish for

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Thank you @rorronoa and everyone who got me to 5000 reblogs!

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Careful what you wish for

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Hurry up and wait.

The chemo is done, 5 months worth.

And now we wait, our options are either move to Sydney for 3 months for a bone marrow transplant, there’s still some disease markers in her bones that state relapse could be on the horizon. One of the largest and longest recovery medical procedures done here in Australia.

Or we wait, and see. She has the favourable leukaemia. The one that sometimes just goes away after chemo. And her numbers have dropped amazingly in the last 2 cycles. So much so that the risk of the transplant might be higher than the risk of relapse, is the juice worth the squeeze?

Is a year of physical, emotional and financial stress, better than 5 years of high anxiety and hyper awareness?

Only 70% of people survive the transplant. Only 40% of people relapse with her mutation.

Unfortunately the call lands on the shoulders of the doctors and specialists. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse, this whole experience has taught us that a lot of doctors seem to forget they are treating people, not just diseases.

Humans, with emotions and complex situations. Humans with 9 month old daughters who spend all day every day in the hospital to be close to their mum. She’s big now, she’s crawling and starting to stand up. She needs a break from hospitals and waiting rooms, it’s starting to eat into her a little bit, you can see it.

I’ve started to lose durability, early on it was all action stations, no time to be sad, full focus on keeping her alive and learning how to be a full time dad and carer. Now there’s less pressure, less rush, less cancer. So the depression and anxiety has room to move in. I’ve started working out again, that’s nice, just at home with a kettle bell. But it has lifted my esteem a bit. A good piece of advice from the psychologist you get for free for being a cancer carer. But I fear nowadays I’m much more likely to break rather than bend. Any little thing really sends me. The psych says it’s my trauma catching up with me. And that she was surprised I’ve lasted this long.

What are you gonna do? Our daughter needs someone there to be solid. So I still try and keep my back straight and my chest out and chin up.

Maybe some lucks coming our way. Maybe there’s a silver lining. Maybe we will get to go back to being a new, young family. Walks, parks, swings, hot chips at the beach after a surf. Play dates, all these things that have been taken away from us. Missed out on.

Bit of a rant, bit of a relief. This is an old photo, when she had hair. This is the life I’m hoping is waiting for us on the other side of this. Sunset walks around the lake after work.

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Resin

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Dragonflies and Chemotherapy.

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Heavy post.

Today is day 3 of my partners induced coma.

On Monday she went to the doctor for a test we thought was low iron.

Tuesday we found out it was leukaemia.

Wednesday we started chemo

She had a massive reaction, there was a lot more cancer throughout her body than anyone realised.

The doctors assured me she’s in the right place, but also noted that most people don’t make it through this stage of the battle.

She has a strong heart, I already knew that, but apparently that’s what’s holding her in this, her other organs, not so much.

I’m sleeping in the hospital, for the last 5 days, with our 4 month old daughter cuddled in my arms. Sleeping on lounges, using whatever fridge to keep her sterilised bottles in. Bottle feeding was a hurdle I never thought I’d have to jump, but mums milk is toxic now so dad had to learn quick. She wouldn’t take the bottle for 2 days, no energy, no wet nappies, just an insane amount of stress from me. The first big feed she had I completely broke down. Relieved. Sad. Stressed.

When I’m soothing her to sleep of a night, she tries to latch to a breast that isn’t there, I hope she stops that soon cos every time she does, I completely lose it. Nothing has broken my heart more.

Our house isn’t that far from here, but it feels like too far away to be, what if something happens? I can’t let my partner of 16 years, mother of our daughter, best friend and one true love die while I’m stuck in traffic.

I’m currently nap trapped in a kitchenette, we just visited her and gave Bub a quick cuddle, it looked like mum moved a bit. Like her cries and coos were somehow making it through the coma. I hope they did. I hope that gives a source of strength. She needs every ounce she can get.

There’s fucken merry Christmas decorations everywhere, it’s driving me crazy. How can there be such jolly decorations in such a fucken awful situation.

I’m scared, I’m terrified of becoming a single dad without a job and a mortgage. I’m scared of losing the one person in my life that has always remained my anchor, my rock and my source of inspiration for life.

I’m not a praying man, but I’m on my knees.

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Sometimes,

It’s nice to be alone.

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Reach

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Pulse

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A deep breath,

A load off my chest,

A week to relax, take time and reflect.

I know more now, than I did before.

Red flags and behaviours I no longer need to ignore.

I got the job guys.

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I got made redundant.

Perfect timing, a 3 month old daughter at home and I’m on the job hunt.

Annoyingly enough, there was nothing I could control, the boss wants to think less,

And drink more,

so bye bye to me,

No more big projects or interesting clients, he just wants to do nothing.

Great, 6 years and that’s it.

Still claims to be mates though, I’m not sure I’d do that to any of my friends.

Either way, I have a job interview tomorrow which is a little exciting, it is less money but something new, fresh and seemingly interesting to learn.

Fingers crossed guys, I need this more than I like to admit.

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Fresh starts

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Soak it all in, little one.

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Any minute now,

Our daughter will arrive, exiting my lover

But entering our life.

She’s running a touch late.

But there’s no rush.

We have the rest of our lives together.

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Hurry up and wait.

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Fat, fluffy, floaty.

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The list only seems to grow longer. With the amount of time shorter.

the things I never really imagined would be a priority, have become front and centre.

Can’t remember the last time I worked on something truly creative, but I guess we are creating a better nest. So that counts.

Looking towards a quiet patch, between the noise, but before the storm.