A little over a year ago, I took the exam that destroyed me.
I’ve never been a good exam-sitter, but when I was applying to programs I was determined to do my very best. I knocked out the midterm, and started studying for the final a month in advance. I got sick while preparing for it, but I wouldn’t quit. That illness progressed to pneumonia, but I still wouldn’t quit. It took months for me to recover, including a brief hospital stay and finding out I would need surgery on my lung. When I finally took that exam, I had to take it on an empty stomach because I had to get that lung surgery the next morning (a deal I struck with the doctors, who had wanted me to take it sooner but I refused because of the exam).
Friends, let me tell you, that was a really dumb and very bad decision I made. It wasn’t worth it. I failed that exam anyway, by a lot. It was not a good exam - the whole class failed it, and I wouldn’t have passed it in less stressful circumstances - but that’s not the point. What’s bad is that I might have failed a lot less bad if I hadn’t systematically destroyed myself to prepare for it, what’s worse is that I really, really hurt my body - permanently. That’s really not okay. There are very few valid reasons for causing harm to yourself like that, and an exam is not one of them.
Here’s what happened in the aftermath: I developed a fear of taking exams like nothing I’ve ever known. I have to pass 3 department exams for my program, and the last time I signed up to take one I ended up having to back out after I landed myself in the ER again with what turned out to be a panic attack. (For those of you who haven’t had a panic attack…dude, it really feels like you’re dying. Mad respect for you people who get them often. You’re tough as iron)
So, here it is a year after the initial event, and I had to try again to take a department exam.
Well, the second I sat down to prepare, my immune system straight-up quit. I got a cold. Okay, that’s not too bad…only, once you’ve had a really severe case of pneumonia, your lungs are sort of not good at being lungs ever again, and every time thereafter that you get sick you get ‘mini-pneumonia.’ Anyway, that cold turned right into mini-pneumonia. I pretty quickly found myself having a bad time.
So here’s what I did yesterday: I took that exam. I didn’t prepare, and I failed it, and I’m really proud of that. It was an easy exam that I could have passed if I had kept to my schedule…but I trashed that schedule when I got sick. Instead of studying, I drank fluids, slept a ton, and ate a lot of soup. I’m relieved to know that these exams are within my reach if I have proper time to prepare. I’m really proud of myself for putting my health first. That was the right decision, and that’s what I’m proud of. I will pass my 3 exams in time, no sweat, and I’ll do it without destroying my body, my mind, or my enthusiasm for mathematics.
I’m posting this because I wish somebody had told me before that it’s okay to fail exams. It’s not the end of the world. Most professors know exams are not ideal measures of how much you know, but there’s just not other way to efficiently evaluate large classes. If you work hard and take pride in what you do, one (or several) bad exam(s) won’t matter in the great scheme of things. You can differentiate yourself in other ways. You have something valuable to contribute, and you deserve to do it on your own terms.
So important. 👆
















