ava

:):

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

the thing about recovering from eating disorders is that u will feel fine and feel like u r making progress and then someone says sumn that feels like a gut punch and you are 14 again

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

every version of this story ends with me grieving it

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

when we see all the hung wallpaper of love peeling down and welting into grief that stays

the ripe fruit of my mothers heart clinging for her grandmother

after she died my mom was surprised at how much she missed her,

the same woman who hit her who locked her who made her want to die, even all the years of tears and resentment was not enough

we know we will never have enough time with each other ,

the wallpaper coils and molds with the humidity of all the words said and unsaid

my moms cheek stained with tears and the clock ever ticking

in this i know we have survived all the same, because no matter want we cling for that time no matter how much we prayed for it to pass, hands clasping and aging

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

i could write. continuously crawling my way back to a past that i’m not even sure would hold me back. but oh the skies are open and april has promised what may is holding open to me. the only way out is forward and i have tunnel vision

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

there is life in every corner and i keep trying to write it into mine but i keep tripping over my own words because i am looking at my feet and pen instead of the world around me.

do i even have to write? what can i say in words that is not already said through the breeze of the air? each morning the sun rises and what metric can i put to that. the birds chirp and the wind blows and a hand finds another and how can i dissect that. i apologized to a woman on the phone at work and she said “please don’t apologize for things that you haven’t caused” and i almost started crying. i can’t write about that the poetry is already there.

i speak to god and he answers back in the drip of the rain on the roof

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

yknow you’re cutting up parts of urself to dissect and understand how they work but u can’t understand the machine by studying the gears so know you are left with nothing but the grease and blood on your hands and the tears in your eyes and the replay. the replay. the replay.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

one thing that will sometimes motivate me to do something I have been putting off doing for a long time is the realization that you have to do it scared, do it angry, do it tired, etc. i don't have to be in the most amazing headspace all the time, sometimes its ok if I have to drag myself forward because at least I'm moving. i feel as though so much advice on the internet makes it feel as though there is an ideal headspace/mental well being we all have to be constantly striving towards,,, i cant live my life waiting for the ideal to come, sometimes i have to just do it scared and hope for the best. say what u will about mindset and toxicity but, like, for me at least sometimes i have to drag my body and personhood around, doing it scared is still better then not doing it at all i believe.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

lol love really is just a synonym for understanding right. we all just someone so see us, to know us and to hear us. i think that’s why we believe in god so much, there has to be something listening when no one else will

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

it feels as though guilt will purify me if i feel it enough.

if u suffer for long enough it begins to feel religious and holy. if i feel bad about biting will it not cleanse the wound.

sometimes life for me feels like i am trying to live while holding a bag over my shoulder too heavy and spilling with items, and everyone is watching me struggle and drop things. i am spilling sorrys like a cut tongue thinking the apologies are enough to keep me alive. what is love but not a synonym for forgiveness.

i feel so difficult to love and nobody wants to put in the effort. it’s. not their responsibility.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

ok, i need to rant about how I feel about mitski for a minute,, (cw suicide, mental illness eating disorder etc)

the thing is i was in mitskis top 0.05% of listeners back in 2020 (when I was going through probably my worst mental health crisis ever) and so much of her lyrics feel like they have been ripped out of my soul.

thinking specifically about i bet on losing dogs, that one I interpret/see as my relationship to mental illness/disorders. The idea that you are unable to quit the feeling and the spiral, and you know what will happen if you are to continue but you are addicted to the feeling or the familiarity of it. I feel like I am completely responsible for almost all of my bad habits and issues,, but I also feel unable to break out and live differently. the line "I always want you when I am finally fine" feels so eating disorder coded, the idea that healing is actually the losing part of the game, that I want to get back to the feeling of hurting myself because it is familiar and comforting. you want to get back in the game and starve yourself again (I wanna feel it), even if you know its harmful, because at least you know it. I also relate to that line with the feeling of suicidal ideation, like,,, that you know its bad for you, but you cant help but fall for it. the fact that eating disorders are so competitive in terms of sickness feels relevant as well, like losing is another win, "some one to watch me die" as long as you stay with the self destructive habits you know they will always be there for u

i think if im not harming myself i dont know who I am. like as long as I make it known, or as long as I'm trying to harm the person I am, that its ok, because then other people know that I also hate me. like, I don't like me either don't worry.

i want to feel it- that line for me feels so relatable to the idea of needing to feel bad. because at least you are feeling something. i don't know what I want out of life, besides to not be in it. i feel like I don't recognize myself without any illnesses. or whatever

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

i want to be wanted so bad, i don’t know how much longer is can substitute anything else in life for this. i’m fluent in the language of being unwanted.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

idk if i’m chronically online or if anyone else has seen the thing abt richard silken disliking the grief is love persevering quote (i don’t really care if he likes it or not, he can enjoy/not enjoy whatever the fuck he wants) but like it got me thinking about why so many people love that quote and why i personally like it.

you can look at it as an over-saturation of poetry on the internet and that quote being easily digestible and reblogable and tweetable and shit and blah blah blah nobody understands art and shit blah blah. but like. the thing is that love is at the center of everything we do. love lurks behind all our actions and our anger and our writing.

everything single thing i say is just asking someone to look at this rotten being of a person and asking them to love it.

we are just hiding love in every single one of our sentences, how was your day i love you did you listen to that song i showed you i love you get home safe i love you

when someone dies that love doesn’t stop, so grief is frustrating and messy and fuckung awful but, grief is all that love still there, but there is no where to put it.

if grief isn’t love then what is it, what are all those questions but not synonyms for i love you? where do u put it? we are not writers and poets and creatives, we are just trying to find places to put that love.

even the anger and the sadness, all it is hurt when that love is rejected, when that love is misplaced.

idk tho

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

if there is a god or religion or spirits or whatever, i don’t think they are confined to purely idealistic figures. i think i see god or the holy ghost or heaven in the sunrise or sunset or the trees or when the bus driver lets you on even when you forget your card or when the wind smells like it just rained or when somebody stops for a squirrel to cross the road or when somebody sneezes and three strangers say bless you in unison. in the first sip of coffee in the morning i see god each time. when we say get home safe we aren’t saying it because we think the person is going to be deliberately reckless, we are saying it as a prayer, to keep one another safe, isn’t there some holiness in the ritual of that. doesn’t god appear outside of my window when i see a bird, and i think of my great grandmother talking about the first robins of spring. there is theism lurking at every unturned leaf and the dew drop that lays atop it.

there is something religious about survival and community and nature and i think i see god in every single one of us. we all are just praying ‘get home safe’ to each other at the end of the day.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

: i think we are a collection of all the things that have ever happened to us. like i am still the girl on the playground with a scraped knee and dirty tights..like I am 12 and 8 and 15 and 17. i am my first kiss, my middle school haircut, my first day of kindergarten, and everything in between yknow

idk maybe i’m the playground and the knee and the tights and the haircut

it’s terrifying to realize you will always be you, especially if you have spent most of your life hating yourself, running away from yourself and who u are, no matter how much u run away u end up on the same pavement with the same scraped knee

Everytime i cry i am 9 again or i continue to be 9 and i still wish i was older, but then i remember, i am older, and then i don’t know what i want.

I think even when i’m withered and old, and all my hairs are grey i’ll still feel 9 years old, that as soon as i feel the lump in my throat start to form, i will be 11 and 17 all at once,

i am drinking too much and too often

i am gripping the bathroom sink and telling myself this is fine this is fine this is fine

i am apologizing for being weird

this is fine

i am acting normal

i am pulling the skin off my fingernails and feet this is fine

my pencil has bite marks on it and my laptop has claw marks

i am laughing about things i used to cry about

I can’t cry anymore

i am worried no one would care if i disappeared

i can’t remember the last time i turned down a drink and i wonder if i could stop if i wanted to

i worry how much i like the feeling of everyone forgetting what u say

i am always the person to text first and last

i think i am lonely

this is fine

it is exhausting and embarrassing being the one who is always holding on last

it’s fine

i am brushing my teeth and washing my face and keeping myself alive

i am not a good person

i need someone to tell me i am kind

i want to hold someone’s hand so bad that i might take up palm reading

i am not committed enough for it

i am trying to show people love

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

maybe we don’t owe each other love, not because we don’t deserve it, but because love is not owed. we are all saying thank you and sorry and walking each other home until the end. we all are trying to show each other the most disgusting parts of ourselves and asking someone to love it, and we do. that is not owed, not given with conditions, but we show each other our bloody hands and quickly find ourselves telling each other not to apologize for staining our clothes. we don’t owe each other love, because we are throwing at each other every day, not needing any in return, but soon we find ourselves with another’s red hands in our laps.

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

i’ve been feeling so trapped inside my skin! i don’t exist in a flesh form! i don’t belong here i want to go home! all i am is desire inside of the body of a person! i feel confined to a form that does not define me! i am shame personified! i want to be good so badly! i have to be good to make up for the fact it is me!

[strawberrymilkwithastraw]

ahh a small tiny dot of a pimple that nobody would ever notice and would probably go away in a few days on its own. i probably should pick at that until it becomes an open wound that is susceptible to infection will now take weeks to heal and probably scab and scar in the process!