Maybe this is where I’ll write about him..
Had to put my dog to sleep on Friday. The house is so empty. So quiet.
We still have all of your things out. I’m not sure what would be more painful. Seeing the spaces, you should be filled with something else. Or continuing to look at the spaces where you should be, but you’re not. I always knew dogs were never meant to have a life as long as ours. It hurts every single time though. Perhaps the phase of life I was in is coming to an end. And during that phase, I was meant to be guided by you. Now that I am continuing to grow our time together has come to an end. I just know you’re pushing me towards more but right now all I can do is try to distract myself. In the moments where I remember my sadness I breakdown.
You are everywhere with me. Not just physically, but spiritually. You’re in the transitions of my every day. You’re in the sun that shines through my window. You’re in the flowers that are blooming with the spring time. You’re in the songs of the birds that sing to me in the morning. You’re with the mushrooms that pop up with the first light of the day. I’ll miss you forever, my perfect puppy.
You are the best boy I could’ve asked for. I trusted you and you trusted me and together we became brave. You never questioned anything I needed you to do for me. You are always content with whatever we had to do that day. Always happy to nap if I was tired or go on a hike or a car ride whatever. You loved taking in everything around you. You loved watching out the window in the car so much that you didn’t even wanna lay down for a second.
Whenever we went on off leash hikes, you always looked back to make sure I was following still. I used to get so annoyed that you would want to take in every aspect of the trailhead and it would take us forever to actually get a hiking. I used to get so annoyed that you’d follow me everywhere and stare at me when I was overwhelmed and tired from the day and just didn’t wanna be perceived. Now I see that you’re just trying to get me to check in with you. You were trying to get me to meet your gaze just like I did with you when you were stressed. Now I would give anything to feel your stare in the back of my head, watching me closely as I do dishes or make dinner. I used to get so frustrated when I would turn around and you were directly behind me. Getting stuck in our small apartment in tiny hallways and crevices. You just wanted to be as close as possible. You wanted to see what we were doing next and you wanted to be involved.
This is why it feels so empty. You weren’t just with me sometimes. You were with me in every single aspect of my day. The transitions, The moments of rest, and the moments of needing to get things done, or wanting to.
I’m so glad we met. I’m so glad faith brought us together. I’m so glad that they were fucking wrong about you. I’m so glad that you got to be more than just your bite record. You’ve got to be more than just a scared little guy. And so did I. Growing together for the last seven almost 8 years has been the best gift of my life. You taught me more in these last seven years than I have learned in my entire 27 on this planet.
You taught me patience. Kindness. Unwavering acceptance. You taught me that life is simultaneously not that complicated and very complicated. You taught me that life is both not that serious and very serious. You taught me everything I know. You deconstructed my previous world views and open my eyes to what is always been in front of me. Without you, I wouldn’t be the person or a dog trainer I am today.
Right now, I truly cannot see myself having another dog because they won’t be you. I don’t wanna feel better about not being with you. I don’t want to be annoyed with another dogs traits because they’re not you. I guess that’s how I know I’m not ready. I’m not sure when I will be. I truly pictured you being with us for at least another year or two. I wanted to get you a home and a yard. I wanted us to have a bigger home so you could have more room to relax. I want you to still be with me while I began making future puppy plans, so the transition between you and somebody else wouldn’t be as hard.
I’m putting my unwavering trust in the universe that this has unfolded the way it was meant to. I’m trusting you that you know the grant plan and the time you depart us was necessary so better things can be on the way. I’m trusting that you knew that I was holding myself back staying at a job that no longer serves me that you leaving would be the push I needed to go somewhere else and continue to grow. I feel like in a way you did know that if you were still here, I wouldn’t be able to leave my job, get a new one and do the things I wanted to do to grow and continue onward. It’s just very unfortunate that I wasn’t going to be able to do these things with you still here.
You’re just starting to be able to stay home alone without being anxious. I don’t have many regrets, but the biggest one I do have is not starting you on medication sooner. I’m so sorry for that. I just can’t help but think that you could’ve progressed quicker. But for now, I will focus on other things.
Instead of being sentenced to live in a kennel for the rest of your life, you got to be free. Instead of living a life of solitude and stress, you got to live with me and Kristin. You got to go on hikes see real grass outside of a white fence and turf. He got to dip your feet in lakes, ponds, rivers and streams. You never had a moment where you were alone. You are so incredibly loved. I’m so glad that I got to bring you home and help you be confident and comfortable.
When you first came with us, you were so scared and sad. You didn’t even like eye contact let alone to be petted for very long. Even though we had worked together for about four years at that point you had to spend about eight months in solitary in a kennel with only one or two dog friends because you had gotten too overwhelmed in daycare. You’re spending 20 hours a day in the kennel. I had to get you out of there. The effects of those eight months in solitary were obvious to me. It took us another 6, 7, 8 months to get you to come back out of your shell. I knew you were in there though.
You became so resilient. You moved with us four times and never questioned it once. He went from being horrendously fearful of people to welcoming strangers into your circle. You went from having no patience and a low frustration tolerance to being able to problem solve and remove yourself from situations that caused you stress. You went from feeling like you need to go and protect yourself to understanding that you can just walk away and come talk to me instead.
You taught me every single thing I know about dogs and about myself. By learning how to moderate your nervous system, I learned how to begin to try to work with mine as well. I hope that one day when I’m ready for another dog that I can give them as much happiness as I gave you. And while I hope, with every fiber of my being that reincarnation and all of that spiritual stuff is real. That it’s true that energy is never created or destroyed, only transformed, that our loved ones never truly leave us in spirit but only physically. I understand if you can’t come back to me. But I’ll never give up hope that you might. I’ll be looking for you always. I love you forever, my perfect boy.
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