ramblin'

neurotic ahh :skull:

[strider-rambles]

intro post ig

hey. i'm dave. at least for this blog my pronouns are he/him/his. that's kinda all that's really. important to know. no lore drops just yet

this account is just to let me ramble. i'm a kin, but, between you and me, this might be a different kind of mental illness i might do a bit of web weaving idk yet but yeah. uh

tags i'll probably be using: #strider rambles <- general rambles #strider asks <- for asks #emo shit <- for the emo shit #weaving webs <- weaving webs. these are most likely just gonna be homestuck related. one trick pony up in here #music <- MAYBE? probably not, but just in case #misc <- obviously for other shit

ALSO. very important. forgot to fucking say this, but if you're into fucking stridercest or wtv. please leave me alone that shits weird as hell amen this'll be updated later on probably lmfao but yeah. welcome to the shitshow, homies

if any other kins wanna interact feel free to. no guarantee i'll respond buuut you know

[really-fucked-up-stimboards]

falling down a flight of stairs stimboard ?

[strider-rambles]

I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO!!!! I TOLD YOU DOG! I TOLD YOU MAN ! i TOLD YOU ABOUT STAIRS!!!!!

[midiport]

[strider-rambles]

i dont even feel like a person anymore

[fravery]

Autumn shows us how wonderful change is...embrace it. When we are willing to embrace change, it can be a truly, beautiful thing.

~ Mary Anne Byrne

Kaoru Yamada

[curlybowlcuts]

wake up lil bro

[mrdoctorcoffin]

It keeps happening

[fruitegg]

coughing up phlegm all over my phone screen

[strider-rambles]

very first bookmark on any of my fics was one from a stridercester <\3 when it was the singular fic i write with beta dave that picked apart the abuse and the effects of it

why must the universe be so cruel

[eyeonyou]

UNHINGED INTERACTIONS EDITION

(Alternate title: Dave embarrasses himself and everyone around him)

[dirkblog12]

Dirk beating the shit out of bro

[strider-rambles]

i do think my main issue is like

kin wise, my main KIN ISSUE. kissue? watch that be some japanese fetish or like. a slur

anyway. my main kin issue is that the people who generally kin john egbert are obviously all of the same vein, and the same vein being that they’re just a little too different from me personality wise for me to comfortably interact with them

like. i don’t know it’s weird to make a joke and be met with like. you know. The JEgbert vibe. and so i’m in this weird kin limbo (kinmbo) where i miss my best bro but i also cannot interact with my best bro in this bro lifetime (brifetime) like a normal person who can interact with those who are different from them. you know

i’m really ruining my non whiny bitch streak like. repeatedly in these last few days. but it’s fine.

boutta pull a dirk and try and force my nerd counterpart to be more like me and then proceed to ruin everything we had in like. astonishing ways or wtv. and probably eat him. is that what the deal is with all that? ion even know

but yeah. it sucks that that’s a thing

[strider-rambles]

got a little too silly with the isolationist tendencies and have completely eroded my support system

expect rambles maybe. i don’t know. i’ve got testing soon. so

[askinsufferableprick]

hey dave! happy birthday! now youre old too i hope you get cool movies or swords or whatever it is you wanted for your birthday im sending you over a gift but it will PROOOBABLY be late! im unsure! but I really hope you have a sick birthday and get to do all your cool kid stuff i was GOING to get a cake baked and sent over but i couldnt find a bakerywho was willing!!! stupid bakers amiright -Jade

nah harley im not old its those other 2 that are just basically infants us? were like fine wine baby getting better with each year till some old butler comes down to the cellar looking to impress his boss this one here is a fine vintage sir from the year 1995 sir a good year sir the best in fact only to slip and drop me all over the floor red spilling everywhere wait where was i going with this

no stress about the cake shame about the present tho like damn jade youre breaking my heart here cant believe it id never do that to you would never get distracted and forget that shit takes like years to get to you over there on treasure island but suppose ill live i got plenty of other shit till then too much even barely space in the apartment from all the cake and presents from bro and all my adoring fans

[strider-rambles]

another random guy asking if you mind systems (i saw you said you dont so its irrelevant on that part 💀 but shh we have like 17 johns take your pick /hj

anyway yeah hi (stares at u with my autistic big ole bug eyes)

1738

yeahhhhhh

im like hey whats up hello okay but fr yeah no systems are chill unless yall are like. endos or whatever theyre called (fnaf vent noise)

the ones that arent like. traumagenic or whatever. yall im so good with terms i know them sooo well

[strider-rambles]

i’ve been having the most fucked up mortality crisis for the last few days

where i guess i uh

fuck, man.

i think i got better. that’s my problem. i got better and happier and so the thought of this being it. like the only fucking life i’ll have and i’ll be reduced to completely nothing. my thoughts my feeling my memories my interests my hobbies etc. all that just. not existing is fucking terrifying to me

i used to find comfort in it but now it feels like the walls are closing in?? and it’s weird because typically i’d. typically i’d be okay with it, maybe even approach it with some sense of admiration. but the fact that there’s a possibility that THIS IS IT. that there is NOTHING ELSE from this in terms of existence etc. that there is NOTHING ELSE for animals, for others, for me, this being the singular bit of life i get off the fuckin cake of existence is.

it’s freaking me out so bad and i want to pick apart my brain because of it. it’s like REALLY freaking me out. i think it might be partially human instinct. like. oh my god. i wish i could figure out how to articulate this without repeating the same meaningless words over and over again

i think that’s kind of part of why i got into kinning because like. some people interpret it as different lives, different universes. and it means that i have a chance to exist again. i want to exist again, not because i’m regretful, but because life is genuinely the most valuable thing to me, you know?

fuck dude. it’s FUCKING WITH ME it’s hilarious. i want to explode. it’s making me weirdly impulsive i think.

[strider-rambles]

avoidant attachment sucks balls

i keep feeling the urge to spill my guts but i'm so used to keeping everything behind tight lips and grimaces that its almost impossible for me to really put it into words now. i have so much to say and i have so many feelings its just not. happening and i keep wanting to sit my friends down and have heart to hearts and everything else but i think i might've managed to completely convince myself that they don't want to hear it.

and i miss having in depth, intellectual conversation, i guess. i wish i could sit down and have that side of me satiated because its its kind of a comfort i was raised on debates, and beyond that, the wholehearted sharing of experience

but i was also raised to be deeply isolationist. i avoid everyone i love because i get uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy the idea that someones expecting, begging for a reply i get so fucking uncomfortable and yet i crave that closeness to no end

and if i can control it, its fine if i can control every aspect of conversation; when, where, what, etc. i am okay if i can control every aspect of interaction; touch, time, location, i am fine

but that's fucked up. its fucked up. because they have feelings too and they might need more interaction than i can give them comfortably and i wish i wasn't like this i wish i wasn't so scared of the idea of being known, being loved, having expectations placed upon me but i don't know how to fix it so here i am rambling on tumblr, instead of being like. a normal dude, and talking to people, because its gotten to the point where im not comfortable talking to people about these sorts of things BECAUSE i'm so isolated everyones at an arms length away i am trapped in my own prison of fear and boy do i not know what to do about it like you'd think i'd have some idea of how to fix it but i don't and i i kind of don't WANT to fix it. because this is comfortable. yes its lonely but its comfortable as soon as someone starts showing interest i almost just avoid them ive gotten through it a lot of the time and there are special cases where i just don't find the person to be someone i could really get down and dirty in conversation with but a lot of the time its just my own fear that brings me here alone, and sad, and so so so exhausted

i dread it when my friends dm me. like its that bad and i don't want to dread it i want to be excited and everything else but im getting worse. im getting so much fucking worse i just want to be stuck in my own little hole and reach out when i want to but that's unfair to them and it doesn't help anyone not me, but fuck. its just so comfortable and i cant. find any reason to not do it and i fuck

its so unfair to them but i want it so bad i want that control at this point i'm gonna get accused of being a dirk LMAO i am my fathers son, something something fuck, i wish i were normal like its such a pain in the fucking ass to be like this i just god and part of me wishes those friends would find this blog because itd be so much easier than looking them in the eye and explaining this because fuck, man its embarrassing. hey, just so you know, i wasn't allowed to have friends as a kid so im super weird about having friends now and also uh never contact me ever until i reach out to you because i- like shut the fuck up dude

its like i want to punish people for liking me for wanting to hang out with me self hatred is CRAZY dave you should be over that arc i guess its just mild self dissatisfaction because like ugh. i'm totally trying to punish people for liking me and also punishing myself by never letting myself be normal

but heres the problem as well its like god i don't WANT to be honest with people because they get emotional and then that just makes me uncomfortable all over again and like god i just feel the need for control so so so fucking bad. i don't even know why its not that i don't want to get close its just that i don't like when someone RECIPROCATES. fuck more thoughts coming soon maybe i don't know.

[strider-rambles]

yeah a fun side effect of the avoidant attachment thing is that I always always ALWAYS fall in love or at the very least crush on individuals on the ace spectrum ace chaser LMAOO okay but like in the sense that like. I don't know. its interesting. because they don't really reciprocate, I guess, in the same way that people who aren't under the ace umbrella do at least none of the ones ive met have

and as a result its just. like it doesn't scare me off so to speak. I don't know. its weird and I hate it because im not on the ace spectrum, which means that in the event that I do fall for someone on it, I know that its kind of like. Man. ion got NO way to like. fulfill my emotional needs, I guess. but I do it to myself because im afraid of what real love means, I guess.