Pearls on a string

[stringedpearls]

This blog is an outlet to the thoughts I have about my experience of growing up intersex. I don't know how to talk about this topic IRL.

This blog is personal, this blog is my attempt to find a community.

[stringedpearls]

Hi tumblr!

I've been on tumblr since I was 16 but never been a frequent poster. I'm going through a cervical conization next monday.

I've realised that I'm at a loss for words about this situation.

first, it's never a fun thing for anyone to go through.

two, me, as many other contracted hpv by rape.

three, I'm intersex, no real diagnosis that I know of, just vague records, my parents transparency, memories from the age of 3-6 (approx) of hospital visits and questions from my parents about my development that didn't strike me as odd at the time, but I knew not to ask, or talk about it to my peers.

four, it seems like my body continues to haunt me, as soon as i've come to terms with being intersex and all the fucking stuff around that. It threatens me with level 3 cell changes.

I don't know how to explain my grief about this, it's too much.

If anyone sees this please reply, I want to be able to communicate this but I can't form any coherent thoughts.

(I know this is a reddit format I watch alot of youtube reacts)

[stringedpearls]

I cut my own hair, because I want to be in control over my outer gender expression

I cut my own hair, because I’m the one who gets to decide which part of me stays, and which part doesn’t.

I cut my own hair, to say goodbye and thank you for shielding my scalp, please know that you are more than biological waste.

I cut my own hair, because I refuse to let someone have the authority to cut something of me -from me ever again.

I cut my own hair because it grows back, unlike so many other parts.

I cut my hair because I'm desperate to gain back some of the bodily autonomy taken from me. 

I do it because I’m too scared, too tired, too untrusting to let someone else try to understand my bodily expression.

No one will go near me with sharp tools, unless given consent under strict stipulations and conditions, by me - the one who inhabits this body.

I will ruin this flesh before I let someone else shape it.

I cut my own hair, because it’s economical.

[stringedpearls]

Alternative intersex flag prototype. A reminder of the medical violence intersex people have been subjected to in the past, and are still subjected to today. A reminder of the anger, pain, grief and resilience that we live with.

A reminder of the blood the endosex medical community have on their hands.

[stringedpearls]

I deserved dignity.

We deserve dignity.

[stringedpearls]

I will never forgive, I will never forget what they did to me and what they’ve made me have to explain.

[stringedpearls]

when does ignorance turn willful? when does willful ignorance turn into violence? when did you decide to be complicit?

[stringedpearls]

I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed. I will cry a thousand tears for the children born to be maimed.

[stringedpearls]

This text carries a risk of being othered, again. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries sorrow. This text carries a risk of being needlessly corrected, again.