stuck in retrograde @stuckinretrograde - Tumblr Blog

Master of the View of Sainte Gudule, Young Man Holding a Book (detail), c. 1480, Oil on wood

Book of Hours, Picardie, 15th century

This is happening

1. It happened. For you, there was a catalyst. There was a process by which you were turned inside out and made raw; you were called names, touched, spat on. You learnt to be afraid. You learnt that outside was where the attacks happened, where the danger was, and so you learnt that inside was best. You learnt that it felt good to cry sometimes, except for when you couldn’t even manage that, and so you cried. For you, there was a before and after. Something changed your brain. If you were to take your mind out of your head and hold it up to the light, you would be able to say ‘yes, here is where the damage is. Here is what changed her’. Like the rings in a tree when it’s felled or falls, you could trace back the moments. This is when she learnt not to speak. This is when she learnt not to fight. This is when she learnt not to live. This is when she first wanted it. For others, the only catalyst is the moment itself. There is no tracing back, no process; only the chemicals themselves, and the havoc they wreak. That is their story. This is yours.

2. It was not cowardice. You learnt to be afraid of the halls and corridors and the world, but you were not a coward. It was not cowardice to hide. It was not cowardice to be silent. It was not cowardice to turn inwards. It was survival. You survived. Sometimes it felt like dying, but it was not. When you lost faith in the world and made your own from memories and fears, that was bravery. That was rebellion. They tried to stop you living, and they only made you live more fiercely. When you closed your eyes and the faces moved; when you were touched and your skin frosted over; when you heard voices in the silence and silence where there were voices – that was bravery, because you lived it. You were there. You are here.

3. You did not fail. When you woke up with tubes in your arm and bruises flowering under your skin, you felt as though you’d failed again. It’s ridiculous; you walked yourself to the hospital even as your heartbeat climbed and climbed and fell, and so you must have wanted to live. You must have done it for attention, even. The nurse calls you a silly girl. And even though you remember why you walked there – I can’t do this again, I know that this will hurt others – you feel as though you’ve failed by not going through with it again. You remember wanting to die, and you remember wanting to live. You remember wishing that it would all just stop, and you remember needing to carry on. This is living. This is how it is. It is not always black and white, and you didn’t fail when you saw through that. You didn’t fail when you chose to get better, even at the last moment.

4. There are those who will not forgive you, and that’s OK. There are some who were hurt too much by the time you said that they didn’t matter, or that peace mattered more than they did. They are allowed to be hurt by this. They are allowed to cut you out if you are too dangerous, too unstable, too threatening. This is allowed to hurt, and you are allowed to fight it, but they are allowed to fight back. Your illness is not always exoneration. You can still cause pain. You have to accept this; it is the hardest thing to accept, because you will always want to say ‘I didn’t mean it, my illness made me do it’. This isn’t how it works. You are not your illness, but you are still accountable for the damage you cause. Sometimes, you can’t do anything about it. This is also life.

5. This is how it goes. “I want to die.” “Have you tried taking this anti-depressant?” “Yes, and it made me worse. I want to die, but now I can’t stop hoarding clothes.” “Perhaps we should increase your dose.” “It’s not working. I want to talk to someone.” “You aren’t a serious enough case. You haven’t tried to kill yourself, have you? The waiting list is over 6 months long. Maybe you should go to your university counsellor.” And then – “I want to die.” “You’re sleeping too much. That’s why.” “I’m sleeping too much because I can’t get out of bed.” “Then get out of bed.” “I can’t.” “I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped. Try going to the campus doctor.” And then – “I want to die.” “Yes, well, lots of students do. I notice that your acne has got quite bad; have you considered going private for that? My friend markets a wonderful acne treatment, not available on the NHS – ” And then – “So, you tried to kill yourself twice? Have you been to your GP?” “Yes, and they didn’t help. That’s why I tried to kill myself twice.” “Well, I’d go back if I were you.” And then – “I want to die.” “Hmm. I notice that you recently stopped taking your anti-depressants. Maybe we should try those again? Maybe we can prescribe a higher dose…”

6. They give it names now. They make lists of your symptoms on a form. There are diagrams, flow charts and graphs. Anxiety, fight or flight, is a graph, with a little arrow climbing and climbing until it falls. They never tell you what happens when it reaches the bottom. PTSD, trauma, is a diagram, with boxes and names and arrows between them. Mind maps were never this complicated at school. Depression is a number from 1 to 10. So when you say wanted to die, can you rate that on a scale of 1 to 10? If wanting to die is a 10, and wanting to live is a 1; where were you on that scale? As though life and death is a sliding scale. As though there are denominations of wanting to live. As though you can want to die, but that only ranks a 4. Well, I tried to stop my own heart twice, but an 8, I guess.

7. It doesn’t get easier. You will hear the opposite a hundred times. ‘Keep going, it gets much easier’, or ‘you just have to work at it and soon it’ll be second nature!’ It never becomes second nature. It is always difficult to get out of bed. It is always hard to go outside and face the world, and not think ‘these people can see that I am not whole, that I am unmade’. It always hurts. It is always hard. But it is always worth it. It may not get easier, but it gets better. It gets so, so much better. You learn to fight back. And yes, it is always a fight, but it is a fight that you win every day that you get out of bed and get outside. Life is a constant victory. Sometimes, there are small battles that you can’t win. You can’t always convince yourself to go to the shops, or to get the bus, because you know that it will hurt. Sometimes, you lose these battles every day for months. But you are still alive, and you have won the war. As long as you are still here, you haven’t lost.

8. You wrote this over 2 years ago, and you forget it constantly because you never knew that it was about you. It is. ‘You have the atoms in you that make the sea and the flowers with the Latin names you can’t remember, and you are part of the same universe. You exist in symbiosis with the mountains, the stars, and a thousand planets that don’t have names yet, even in Latin. Without you in it, the universe is a little darker; shifted to the left, made alternate. You don’t need to feel unwanted, or like you don’t belong. From the day you were first a thought in your mother’s mind, you have belonged, and you will always belong, even when you are ashes and you are in the rain and the trees. The world will always want you. It always will.’

9. This is your story. It is other people’s story, too. It is the story of some of the 1 in 4, the 25%, the quarter of people who will suffer from an uprooting of the mind at some point in their lives. Some of these people will leave far too early. These people didn’t lose. Some of these people will never fill in forms or rate their pain from 1 to 10. These people didn’t lose, either. They were let down. They were shifted from waiting list to waiting list, or fell through the cracks, or heard about the lists and didn’t have the energy to try. People are dying. People aren’t getting help. These people are not losing the battle or the war; they aren’t being allowed to fight.

10. This is happening.

lucyelizabeth

chills. my breath caught in my throat as I read this.

#words

honeydewitch

Tarot of the Pagan Cats

#art

mooonbathing

I SEE YOU, AND YOU MATTER

*sun & moon my angels (maybe rising too)*

Aries You know it’s not always going to be like this. You will get out, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. But every day that passes brings you closer to where you are supposed to be. Stop listening to people that say you are too childish or too intense or intimidating. If they could see life through your eyes they would find a person with a sophisticated balance between work and play. Don’t let anyone bully you into submission, that is not your place. You are meant to work hard for success, and you can never please everyone. Be the one with compassion for the lost souls and a voice for those who have been silenced. That is your power, own it.

Taurus Your pain is one of the deepest ones, because it cuts right into your bones, spreading through your entire body in seconds. I know you would rather stay numb but your love is far too important, you have too much to give. You carry everyones weight along with your own, and you do it with so much dignity. You truly love when you can touch the lives of others, but you can’t go on like this with your heart in pieces. Self care is not selfish, you have got to love yourself first. Look inwards, determine what you need to feel loved and love yourself that way. And remember, what you do to numb your pain does not make you a bad person. Today you leave your guilt behind, you don’t deserve it.

Gemini You’re constantly changing, evolving yourself and your beliefs. Which is a very ambitious trait, for you it’s second nature. You would rather sell your soul to the devil than to stay the same your entire life. But since it’s second nature, that means it’s also your survival instinct. You leave people behind easier than a femme fatale in a 70’s indie film with a silk scarf wrapped around her head, driving off into the desert in a Mustang convertible. But believe me when I say you can’t outrun your demons. Seek closure, because in life we leave pieces of ourselves with every person we interact with. If you don’t, you’ll wake up one day with a crack in your mask. Confrontation is worth not being haunted with feelings you don’t remember.

Cancer Oh baby, I see you. Everyone saying you’re so dainty, so fragile that you start to believe it. Someone once said there is bravery in being soft, bravery most people couldn’t even muster if they wanted to. But don’t you ever mistake your softness for weakness, and don’t you dare let other people tell you how to feel. Be as big and as bold as you want. Don’t you ever be ashamed of what you need out of life, or love for that matter. Even if it’s too much, or maybe nothing at all. Realize, and do this as quickly as you can, that you do not need anyone to feel whole. You are already whole, you have an entire home inside of you. Take care of yourself as such because you are a treasure. Also get a house plant, it will calm your soul when it dances in the sun.

Leo Oh my dearest. You do realize that no matter the colour in your eyes the light from within you shines like Superman’s goddamn laser beams. Or at least I hope you realize. You have the advantage of a very strong sense of self. Knowing yourself is very important to you. What you need is to never become so jaded that you won’t let yourself change. Otherwise you’ll become a faded version of yourself, addicted to the memory of who you used to be. Baby you just gotta be. Change is natural, and it’s wonderful. You become wiser and you feel deeper. Stop worrying because not everybody you meet is judging you. You are so pure hearted, believe in good intentions. Sometimes all it takes is a little faith. And I have faith in you.

Virgo My prima ballerina, I see that look deep in your eyes. The pure terror of never achieving your true potential, the way you strive for perfection in everything you do, and at the end of the day you come home and search for solace but you find nothing. Because you’re completely hollow. Stop picking yourself apart in the mirror, don’t you know that success has no face? Everyone around you looks at you in wonder, how a person with this much talent would make themselves so small. Don’t look for the perfect thing or “the one”, because there are many “the ones”. Take your time to find what you are passionate about, and don’t keep pouring yourself into people that take your efforts for granted. In an imperfect world, you are the closest thing we have to perfection and don’t you ever, ever forget that.

Libra Your pain is standing in a crowd with white noise ringing in your ears. You wonder where you lost yourself, or to who. And you never let it show, because you don’t want to let others know that the laughter has stopped. But you have to go below the surface, even if it hurts. You need to realize that not letting everybody into your life that wants in is a form of self love. Not everyone deserves the sheer adoration that comes with your love. Learn to listen to your own voice, the one that has reduced itself to a whisper. Let it roar because if you don’t put yourself first, no one else will. Choose your friends carefully, practice loyalty, smile at yourself in the mirror because you are that bitch. Take yourself on a date, tell yourself you’re fantastic because honestly, we all wish we could be as effortlessly charming as you. Own that shit.

Scorpio You put in all this work, all this energy and at last you feel comfortable. Until you feel restless again. You are so volatile, sometimes you don’t even know what you want. All you know is that you want something else. You run on energy. You’ve got that clairvoyant instinct, trust it. Bet everything you have on it. Because when it comes down to it, rock bottom has only one way. Up. The excitement of being alive is to great for you to ever give up on yourself. Be fearless in your mistakes, let the experiences shape you. You’ll know when it’s right. You’ll feel it in your entire body, as your blood stops vibrating.

Sagittarius I know how it feels to be so empty you are scared nothing will ever be able to fill the void. Determination with no purpose. You always move so fast, but you don’t have to be so afraid. Slow down, take control of your breathing. Feel the force of your heart pumping life into you, the life you always wanted. Practice turning loneliness into solitude, do it for the sake of your heart. Put on your favourite underwear, put on lip balm, live for the light and read more. I know it’s hard but start small, like The Little Prince. Let him take you to places you never thought you would go. And then further. You have to learn who you are outside of others, and you do that by spending time with yourself. Don’t rush, take your time. All that determination will wait for you, until you find the purpose within yourself. I promise.

Capricorn If anyone can do it, it’s you. You are disciplined, gorgeous and smart, if they don’t like you they respect you. Because you’re not here to start fights. You’re here to start your life. But business is about humans, and humans need trust and connection. Trust yourself, those who love you sure do. Like Virgo, remember success has no face, so leave it out. This is about you and what makes your heart pound harder than anything else. So put on your warrior paint and work until you can ask the bitch from your old school why her boyfriend is your number one fan.

Aquarius Hi you. Yes you. You are not alone in this world. I know you feel like a ghost amongst the living but you’re not. You are us, all of us. You are what drives us, you and that delirious little brain of yours. I know that you think you are either genius or psycho, but believe me you’re both and it’s excellent. Now, stop treating the masses like they are the birds you put out seeds for in the winter. Get out there, with your empathy and your honesty. You preach that most of the people in this world are good hearted, now it’s time you start believing it too. Start gracing them with your divine presence, and take a chance. Because you are one of those people that can effortlessly interact with people from all walks of life. Unite us, we’ll wait for you.

Pisces You are whip-clever and slightly nuts. You sometimes find it hard to pin down your own feelings, leaving you a bit confused. Nothing to stress about, just… confused. You sometimes wonder if you are two souls in one body. One wants something extraordinary, and the other wants something else, but just as extraordinary. Try to merge your lanes, make compromises on either side. It will ease your mind as you try to sort out the mess that is your personal life. Now listen to me, if you feel your feelings they are valid, because they are your reality. Have more empathy for yourself, give yourself credit for your efforts and don’t let people take advantage of you or discredit you. The opinions of toxic people simply don’t matter. Also, try to keep your promises. And you know what, sometimes it’s okay to be sad. Watch Romeo + Juliet, stay inside for a few days and try to see a silver lining, like how lucky we are to be able to experience life this deeply.

#words

iunderstandnow

there is a detail where she lifts a note from her dress and the gold link chain around her wrist slips further up her arm.

and between the dreams and trying to get to sleep, i find an entirely new world in memory. it binds me in sweet yellow blankets and casts over me like a house across the sea.

i feel her finger active at the root (i can no longer listen to her favourite song, you know the one with the drums that stay too long, even after the words have stopped)

she holds an orange lantern, perhaps, to illuminate the sky while i watch her from afar.

there never really was much of anything i feel, but the deep longing for something real in this world. something to lift me from this cliff.

and this world had stretched me out across an ocean.

Parts of me i have left, kissing girls in rain-soaked alleys, asleep on the top decks of deep city busses, crying in the forgotten corner of some far garden,

///

i hold a different light above myself now, when the moon is high and the world seems kind of kinder than it has been lately.

(I know you feel it too, and its okay, the world is kind and we are beautiful!)

we live hand in hand, red with love

you house across the cliffs is red and warm with light, how can i ever stop my body slipping from the cliffs down towards he sea, the real red beating heart of me

how can i ever again breathe

there is a detail where she clasps a hand around the back of my neck and i feel her nails like a house across the sea, forgetting that i am forgetting

#words