This entry is going to be a little more somber, but I need to get my thoughts down somewhere. I want to be vulnerable and give myself space to process my emotions.
Lately, as in the last few years, I’ve felt this burning mission to succeed in the name of my family. That’s not an uncommon feeling for anyone pursuing higher education, however, this feeling has since consumed me. Any negative grade or feedback is not only a hit to my ego, but a sign that I’ll never be good enough. Looking at the work of my peers, I feel this overwhelming rush of stress and mania in which I have to compete against them. And yes, to some degree, the art industry is competitive. But I put myself down so much that I’m ashamed of everything I create. All my ideas, all my assignments, all my work is just never good enough.
Every day I think of my dad, who, now that he is finally free from kids, trying to accomplish his own dreams. But he’s not free. The struggle of our tuitions and finances is a heavy burden for both him and my mother. So because of that, I try to give everything my all. I spend hours on my work, editing and revising it, searching for feedback. But it’s never good enough. The when I become unmotivated, I procrastinate, which doesn’t help in the slightest.
I want to do well for my siblings and mom. I want to do well for my dad. But at this point, my brain is just foggy. I feel empty. I feel as if I’ve lost myself and my passion. I look around to all the things I’d rather be doing. I’d rather have the time to engage in my hobbies, to travel and spend time with loved ones. And I know that if I do well with art, I can do all those things. But suddenly, life feels so short. Everything is too short while going by so quickly.
I don’t feel ready to graduate.
I wish I had three more years to just sit and work on my own art and personal projects. My professor was right, if you want to be a good artist, art has to be your entire life. I miss talking to my friends, I miss crafting and my other hobbies, I miss play games, I miss traveling, I miss cooking, I miss everything I used to do before I came to school.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m severely grateful for all the opportunities and people I’ve met. I wouldn’t wish it any different. It’s just all too fast. It’s just consuming my life. All I do is wake up, go to class, go to the office, do homework and sleep, then repeat. Everyday is the same. When I try to take the time to live life, I end up ruining that schedule and falling behind. It’s hard to manage this work life balance. I never feel like I’m doing enough. I always feel like I’m doing wrong.
I just want to be happy again. I want to love art. I do love art, it’s just I don’t love my art. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve pursued something else, maybe a different kind of art or entirely new degree in general. But I can’t imagine myself being good at anything else.
I feel stuck. I feel sick. I feel tired constantly.
Today, I want to take the time to heal and enjoy myself, work on my portfolio. But tomorrow, I go back into that same routine. Luckily, summer is almost here, but then I have summer classes to worry about. School is exhausting.
Hopefully, once I get into the field, and I have a consistent job, I’ll have that time to enjoy myself.
If only education wasn’t so expensive.
If only I didn’t live so far from my family, friends and pets.
If only I had fun again..
