Stuff My Preschoolers Say

I work with toddlers, preschoolers, and pre-k kids. They say some of the WEIRDEST SHIT. Here I share some of that with you. Welcome!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

I'm reading Anansi the Spider to my three-year-olds. Basically Anansi gets eaten by a fish, his sons take turns using their skills to rescue him, and then he finds a globe of light in the woods, with which he decides to reward "the son who rescued me". They fight about who should get it until God gets fed up with their shenanigans and puts it in the sky (it's the moon). I like to use this story as an example of helping and teamwork, so we always have a little chat just before the end of the book.

Me: So, who saved Anansi? Various kids: River Drinker! Cushion! Stone Thrower! (Cushion seems to be the popular answer.)

Me: I think they all took turns and worked together to save Anansi. They used...?

Kids: Teamwork!

Me: That's right! So they all saved Anansi! So who should get the prize?

Kid 1: Me!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

[Imperial March intensifies]

(I found this story from eight years ago on FB and thought I'd share.)

Looking at and talking about the moon with my little friends. Miss [MyName] loves the moon. I call one of my twins over (they speak Russian at home):

Me: [Twin], how do you say "moon" in Russian?

Twin: ...there's no moon in Russian.

Jesus, so what do you have? A Death Star??

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

You know, just the usual.

Having a talk about the existence of languages; I know several of my kids have multilingual parents:

Me: What language does Miss [Other Teacher] speak?

Kids: Spanish!

Me: Twins, what does mommy speak at home?

Twins, simultaneously: Russian!/Pусский!

(I was confused for a second there.)

Me: [Kid 2], what language does daddy speak?

Kid 2: German! And, and, um, and regular.

[pause]

Me: "Regular" is called ENGLISH, you guys. We're speaking English right now.

I was ROLLING, internally. "Regular", indeed!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Playtime yesterday (*edit: actually 8 years ago, but who's counting?*):

I'm watching the kids in Dramatic Play when I hear a panicked "Stop! Stop!!" coming from block area. Turns out that a kid I've already spoken to twice about crashing trucks into other kids' buildings is now standing over someone else's building and hurling soft blocks down onto it.

Well, the blocks are soft, but throwing is *never* okay. I gently pluck him out of block area, his favorite place. He starts bawling and goes boneless just as I set him down. He then purposely collapses to the floor, flat on his face, and continues to bawl. Fine. Whatever. This kid's known for that; we've all learned to tune the dramatics out.

Two minutes later, there's crashing noises and shrieking from block area. Another kid, a bit of a follower, is also crashing trucks into other kids' buildings. Miss [My Name] is a touch cranky by this point. I gently pluck *that* kid out of block area, and manage to set him on his feet. HE starts crying completely tearlessly, walks over to the first kid (who is still making noise on the floor), carefully lays down on his face next to him, and continues to wail.

Then kid #1 starts getting upset for *real* because "I don't want [kid #2] to copy me!"

By this point all I can say is "Are you serious??" and there's a semicircle of the other kids staring at my two fake-tantrum-throwers and giggling. Because it's ridiculous.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

...when's your birthday? I'll get you a dictionary.

[Found this 11-year-old story on my Facebook "On This Day".]

Took the afterschoolers swimming on Monday. A 5 year old wearing a bubble and using TWO noodles (both floaty pool things) would NOT stop challenging me to races across the pool. I'd let him get halfway across and then beat him anyway, and the INSTANT I'd pass him he'd grab at me and yell "That's CHEATING!" Every time I touched the wall first: "That's CHEATING!" Then...

[I win. Again.]

Kid: That's CHEATING!

Me: [Kid's Name], just because you don't win doesn't make it cheating.

Kid: Of course it does!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Should I have corrected her?

At wake-up time, one of my coworkers has a habit of walking around the room mispronouncing "Up and at 'em!" (She says "Up and at-a!" and I'm just too nice to correct her.) So yesterday, the inevitable happened- the kids picked it up. Incorrectly, of course.

Kids: A bana-na! A bana-na!

Me: [looks at different coworker] When I get home, that's going on Facebook.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

...i got nothin for this one

From four years and one job ago, via Facebook On This Day:

I went to the bathroom just so I could post this:

Kid: Miss [My Name], firefighters don't have babies in the wild, right?

Me: ...what.

Kid: Firefighters don't have babies in the wild!

Followed by several minutes of explaining that firefighters are regular people and can be mommies or daddies like anyone else. "In the wild." What the actual fuck.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

You learn something new every day!

(This is actually from eleven years and two jobs ago; since I've been down with this bloody injury so long, I'm finding old things I posted to Facebook in the "On This Day" thingy to post here.)

Three boys are taking turns throwing beanbags into a miniature basketball hoop in the classroom. I have just had a fight with [Boy 1] because I picked up a toy screwdriver that he decided he was still using... even though he was playing beanbag basketball. He gave up the screwdriver and went back to his game.

Me (with the screwdriver): I'm just gonna fix this chair. [pretends to tighten screws underneath]

Boy 2: Why?

Me: I want to make sure the legs don't fall off!

Boy 2 (as though I'm stupid): Chairs don't have LEGS!

Me: They do too! Look, right here; [taps with screwdriver] One, two, three, four. The table has legs too, look; One, two, three, four. You have two legs and the chair has four.

[Boy 2 walks slowly back over to the hoop looking like he's just had an epiphany.]

Boy 2 (to Boys 1 and 3): Hey! Chairs have LEGS, you guys!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Donate to Prop Up A Teacher So She Can Heal, organized by Genevieve Roberts

Hi! It's your friendly neighborhood crippled preschool teacher! I am super for… Genevieve Roberts needs your support for Prop Up A Teach

i have to be out in a month. i don't have the money to move.

i'm on the hook for a full portion of a hefty electric bill, even though of the four air conditioners in this house, none of them are mine.

my grocery delivery screwed me over and i could only get a partial refund, and you KNOW what groceries are like these days.

please, i just need to get through October, and then i'm going back to work, back to my babies, back to writing down the funny stuff. i'm so bloody scared all the time and it's screwing with my depression. please, i'm begging, help if you can, share if you can't.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Donate to Prop Up A Teacher So She Can Heal, organized by Genevieve Roberts

Hi! It's your friendly neighborhood crippled preschool teacher! I am super for… Genevieve Roberts needs your support for Prop Up A Teach

Hey all, long time no see. I've been out of work three months with a badly sprained ankle with no end in sight. (They said five damaged ligaments and a torn tendon.) Food is expensive, I need to take Ubers to appointments, I need to do wash, I'm supposed to move house soon, can't clean and pack, and am too broke to hire help. Please, help if you can, share if you can't. Thank you.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

I love that kids' minds work like this

I'm upstairs in Pre-K where two of my girls happen to own Little Mermaid dresses; one the cartoon, one the live-action. Live Action Dress Kid comes in wearing hers, and I comment:

Me: Oh look, [Kid's Name] is wearing my favorite dress that she has! It's the Black mermaid dress!

[Kid] looks at me like I'm the biggest idiot she's ever seen. She informs me:

[Kid] (quite condescendingly): ...it's a blue mermaid dress.

Man, when a kid looks at you like you're stupid, you feel it. It's as though, like Discworld dwarfs, their expressions are just more concentrated. But it pleases me to no end that when I said what I said, it never even occurred to her that I was talking about the mermaid and not the fabric.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

mutant flower-whale

I'm helping out in a preschool room. The kids are at centers, so I sit down at a table where two kids are playing with toy animals. One boy shows me a toy orca with a missing flipper. (Uggghhhh, don't I wish the kids would stop breaking the toys...!)

Kid 1 (displaying orca): His other petal fell off!

Me: ...flipper, honey. Not petal, flipper.

Kid 2 (concerned): But where are the other two??

Me (confused): Other two what?

Kid 2: His back flippers! What happened to his back flippers?

(Okay, what in the heavens' names do you think an orca looks like??)

Me: He doesn't have "back flippers", sweetheart. He's got a tail. (pointing) These are his flippers, this is his fin, and this is his tail. No back flippers.

Kid 2 (almost freaking out): Okay, but does he have a belly???

Me: ...yes. It's right here.

I wasn't aware that orca anatomy was a source of such anxiety, but there you have it.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Last week: I'm in a preschool (3s) class. One girl shows me the underside of a toy octopus.

Kid: Look, Miss [MyName]! He broke his vagina!

Me: o.O

Me: ...that's his beak, honey. That's where an octopus keeps his mouth! [strained smile, because I'm trying not to burst into hysterical laughter] Isn't that crazy?

Kid: Yeah! (skips off with octopus)

Me: (immediately tells every teacher I can get close enough to whisper to)

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

"...yo"?

We are eating lunch in the preschool room. My program sometimes serves turkey ham, which is actually pretty good. A boy is still hungry.

Boy 1: Miss [Coworker], can I please have some more... chicken?

The entire class speaks up to correct him. The last thing I hear, from an adorable Chinese student?

Boy 2: It's turkey ham, yo!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

...my FEELINGS!

I was helping out in a toddler room yesterday just before pickup. I was singing Old McDonald with a two-year-old but putting his name in it instead. After going through the regular litany of animals, this happened.

Me: Little [KidName] had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on that farm he had a... Ms. [MyName], E-I-E-I-O!

(pause)

Me: ...what does a Ms. [MyName] say?

Kid: [thinks]

Kid: Moo!

Me: O.o

He proceeded to finish the song without me. But he's such a cutiepie that I couldn't be mad about it!

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

We can only hope, sweetheart

Back on Election Day, I had asked my students if their parents had voted. I didn’t ask who they voted for (frankly I didn’t really want to know) but two of them volunteered the information anyway; one for Biden, one for Trump. The latter kid’s revelation didn’t surprise me at all for multiple reasons, not least of which is her nearly unbearable princesslike entitlement. She’s not a bad kid, she just doesn’t yet really understand that she can’t always have her way. We’re working on that.

Anyway, today I was showing them an app on my phone that shows you the phases of the moon. You can see what the moon is doing in the moment, or scroll forward to a specific phase to see when that will happen next, or scroll to a specific date to see what the moon was or will be doing then. I’ve just shown them the next full moon, and someone has a question:

Kid 1: When will the moon be half?

Me (scrolling): On January 20th! Do you guys know another important thing that is happening on the 20th?

[Silence]

Me: That’s when we’re getting our new president!

Kid 2: Joe Biden!

Me: Yup. He won the election, but he’s not officially the president until January 20th.

Princess kid: Yeah, and that’s when Trump is going to jail!

Me: [chokes on my water] [sputters for a moment] Who told you that?

Princess kid: My daddy.

I laughed for a good five minutes straight, then apologized for laughing (I honestly couldn’t stop myself) and gave her a big hug. Her mother thought it was hilarious at pickup. Apparently “Trump going to jail” has been the talk of her house for some weeks now.

[stuffmypreschoolerssay]

Turns out some of my kids watch Steven Universe, so of course it comes up in conversation.

Me: Steven doesn't have a weapon, though. [about to explain about the shield]

Kid: Yeah, but he has a lid, like Captain America!

A lid. Like Captain America. I have been laughing about this all week. Yesterday I had to explain to the same kid that a "hair hat" is called a wig...