casting spells & raising hell @stupiddumbcardigan - Tumblr Blog

I want to watch both of you burn. Completely engulfed in flames, agonized, writhing, crying in pain. I want your heat deaths. I want your heads on a stick. Spontaneous combustion, I want you to burn thoroughly at my hands. I want your continued suffering. I want to haunt and hurt you. And it feels good.

But more than I want to see you in extreme pain, I want to stop being haunted by these poisoned, leftover feelings for you.

molabuddy

pokemon trainer that shouts "get his ass" every time they order their pokemon to attack

skoople

mocksyoucondescendingly

I love being scared to share my feelings

I don’t like going to gay bars because I feel an overwhelming sense of insecurity.

A sense that I, of course, should not (and know that I should not) have because I’m a white, straight-enough-passing, cis gay man. But I still have it.

I can’t enjoy things that are so deeply embedded into our culture because they make me insecure. The internalized homophobia that was quietly (and then loudly) bashed into my head keeps me from so many things. It’s akin to if I were looking into a fishbowl, could touch and interact with the fish, could even jump inside and swim in it, but instead I elect to boil the water with my own hand inside because I’m scared of fish. The fish are heatproof, totally unaware they’re swimming in 250 degree water while my hand is boiling.

I don’t have many gay friends for the same reason. Their character, their self-comfort and acceptance that I never tapped into, actually terrifies the shit out of me. I love it but I’m so overwhelmed and I feel caught in someone else’s radiance. I enjoy it, but it hurts my long-clouded eyes: the work I’m doing is painful and it seems never ending. I have friends, quiet friends who stay to themselves and enjoy their quiet, solitary gay lives. But even there, I feel inadequate. I feel something missing.

I want to let myself enjoy things, things I want to experience for the first time, the right time, again.

disgustinggf

lacikaszep

nervous and lonely and cold

marcelshorjian

here’s me (a feeling of guilt always renewed)

And I want to hurt you so bad

I want to burn you, crush you, suffocate you, incinerate you, evaporate you, tear you apart

I want you to feel immense pain. Pain I revealed to you. Pain you helped comfort for even a moment, only to remind me that I did gamble, even when I said I didn’t want to. I did it because you pried me open. I did it because I trusted you. I loved you.

Give me a fucking break.

and I feel my face get hot all over again

all too familiar, the confusion, rage, and pain

desperately attempting to blot it out

wishing I could want to hurt you

and I’m angrier

angrier that I don’t want to see you hurt

every iota of romance ive felt over the past year has been immediately followed by total agony

first someone so incredibly charming that I meshed with, who was musically gifted and well-versed in a variety of subject, someone who gets it, and got it every time

then insecurity, classism. my lack of traveling, me missing the references, me not being able to invite him into my home. but we did our dance for months

he went silent. I tried. silence. I tried. silence.

COWARD

then another opportunity. Neither of us were seeking it but damn did it click, almost instantly.

first day, you didn’t want to mess it up you said. and I said I hate it when people lie to spare my feelings. it all felt good. said a lot to get insecurities out of the way and you were sweet every moment. it helped that you were gorgeous, and I told you, and recognized there was so much more

plenty of sparks when we met, as we knew there would be. we planned the second date. between that, we talked, a lot. every day. so different from him, as all men are, I know, but it felt so much more comfortable.

then, I dumped a lot of things. oversharing, but you requested it. my reaction was to shut out because it was easy

“Lower your shield for me”

for you, I became vulnerable. I trusted you

the second date. perfection, we started planning for a third. I should have noticed your terseness through text. should should should. you should have said something to me in person. you shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST

Can’t wait for BD/SP so Zacian will be out of the meta

#god #Pokemon is not fun anymore with that thing