stupid pianist @stupidpianist - Tumblr Blog

14 november 2018

It’s 16:48 right now and I’m in the music library. Idea for the Mastodon account to track ‘daily movements’ with more accurate timestamping is working well, really simplifies the process and I’m able to get a lot more precision/small details I would’ve neglected to include through that, but I’m feeling like doing today’s liveblog in a more paragraph-oriented format, sans timestamps?? ‘Throwing the timestamps out the window’ today, just feel like writing ‘off the dome’ in a less structured way, though still linear, hope that’s okay with y’all, if not, please feel free to skip today’s liveblog, please, please, come right this way, right this way, right on out of this paragraph and into whatever other thing you’re reading, pay no attention to little old me.

Woke at a semi-reliable time after ‘sleeping aggressively,’ I feel, really ‘hard’ sleep again. Woke with really heavy eyelids, which is unusual for me, usually if I’m tired I’ll just fall right back asleep, or if I know I need to wake up, I’ll feel groggy, but not tired, just ‘out of it.’ NOT TODAY, THOUGH!!! Today I was just all, whoa, it’s actually a struggle to keep my eyes open. Still somehow scrounged up the energy to make my way to the bathroom to brush, made some oatmeal, took a G Fuel ‘to the face,’ stared at my computer in catatonia until I had my meeting with one of my professors who’s helping me with recommendation letters. Oh, I also showered, yeah, that’s important, yes. Morning was spent in a state of complete stupor, entire head felt heavy and ‘anvil-like,’ I think, felt really cloudy.

Was the first actually cold day of the season, I think!! Which was exciting, I’ve been waiting for winter for a long time, if I can say something like that. Feels good to ‘don’ the ‘big puffy white jacket’ for another year. I’ve had that thing for, like, what, five, six years now at least?? Always said that once it finally wears out completely I’m going to get it repaired rather than buy a new one, that thing is staying with me ‘til the bitter end.’ Considered getting Five Hour Energy en route to campus but decided against it, and just walked while listening to Kero Kero Bonito while trying to regain some kind of cognitive ability before the meeting.

I guess as a way of ‘self-therapy’ for my unacceptably groggy state I decided on Knausgaard over Foucault to read while sitting outside the professor’s office, which is my favourite office. I wrote about it in a prose poem thing a while back, let me find it, wait:

‘My professor, Maggie, pinches at papers on her desk, and I notice a stunning array of mugs and thermoses that line this massive wooden table against her back wall. There’s one student in her class who sits in front of me and uses a MacBook Pro with a pink, soft-finish case. Without fail, at some point in every lecture, she’ll open a tab in Chrome, and start playing gigantic, full-screen, thirty-by-sixteen games of Minesweeper with such speed, efficiency, accuracy, that I’m more than blown away. On some days she managed a poker game simultaneously, and still continued to take detailed notes.

As I stand in Maggie’s office, Maggie glances up at me and says a few more things, and I thank her, then turn and leave. The floor is linoleum, and my boots make ridiculous, annoying, squeaky squelches.’

Could do with some severe editing, I feel… No longer feel ‘happy’ that I wrote this in much capacity, except for concept. Wait, let me just do a quick rewrite:

‘I’m noticing this stunning array of mugs and thermoses that line the massive wooden table against my professor Maggie’s back wall. There’s one student in the class who sits in front of me and uses a MacBook Pro with a pink, soft-finish case. Without fail, at some point during the lecture, she’ll open a new tab in Chrome, and start playing gigantic, full-screen, thirty-by-sixteen games of Minesweeper. Sometimes she managed a poker game simultaneously.

I’m standing in front of Maggie’s desk. Maggie glances up at me and says a few more things, and I thank her, then turn, and leave. The floor is linoleum. My boots make ridiculous, annoying, squelching sounds.’

Hm. Still ‘not happy with this,’ but it feels marginally better? I’ll come back to it, don’t want to ‘abandon’ this topic ‘quite yet,’ feel like ‘there’s something there,’ just haven’t really ‘teased it out’ at all.

So yeah, yeah, I met with Maggie, which took a few minutes. She informed me of the next Miltonmas, her annual celebration of Milton’s birthday, and also informs me that he’s turning 410 years old this year. Feel ‘tremendous levels of excitement,’ might ask A if she wants to go? Seems unlikely that she’ll want to for a myriad of reasons but I’m not gonna miss it unless I’m, like, severely ill.

Jesus as I’m writing this I still feel so so so out of it, probably had one too many beers last night for sure. Need to be up really early tomorrow for a work shift, so I can’t be going to bed late tonight, which is sort of, like, a blessing, so even if I wanted to stay up for whatever reason now I can’t.

After the meeting with Maggie, which went well, as they always do, Corrina OH YEAH WAIT, it’s definitely spelled Corrina unless she intentionally misspelled it on her laptop, I SAW HER NAME on her MACBOOK when we played DUNGEON WORLD LAST NIGHT yeah okay so now we know her REAL NAME AAAAAND we know how to SPELL IT yes so CORRINA was all like, ‘who wants poutine’ on the group chat with Michael, Corrina, Jasleen, Astoria, I, and I was all like, ‘yeah i want poutine’ and she was all like ‘okay meet me at the Starbucks in Eaton Centre and I went all ‘yeah okay.’ So my dumb butt walks to Eaton Centre only instead I go into Place Montreal Trust and I wait by the Starbucks, and Corrina goes all, ‘where are you’ and I go all ‘wait holy crap I’m such an idiot hold on I’m in the wrong building’ so I cross the street and Corrina finds me and we get this gigantic plate of poutine.

Sorry to report: did not taste very good. No no, probably, maybe, like, a light four out of ten? Disappointed. Second bad poutine in a row, need to pay Belle Province ‘a little visit’ to remedy the situation, need some good poutine in my stomach before I risk more bad poutine. So we finish the poutine and then decide to get caffeinated, something I really, really needed given my mental state of just complete BLAUGH, so we head to Starbucks and I completely overspend on a peppermint mocha. God those holiday drinks really GET ME, I love them SO MUCH, everything about the holiday season I ADORE. Tinsel, the music, the atmosphere, the ostensible snow, the wreaths, yeah yeah ALL OF IT, gimme, just-- gimme.

Then knew I needed to practice, even in my semi-conscious-but-more-verging-on-unconscious state, so I say bye to Corrina, who heads back to work, and I take the trek to McLennan, where I check out a copy of Baudelaire’s Les Fleurs du mal. There’s an amazing website which features a myriad of English translations of each poem, so I’ll be able to cross-reference all of them whilst trying to keep up with the original French. Feel excited to be ‘getting in on this’ finally, haven’t actively read poetry in a really long time, now that I think about it…

Side note: the computer that I used, or, rather, the section of McLennan in which the computer I used was in smelled like poop. Not even like body odour or anything, like, straight up feces. Was really bad, that’s when I decided I’d just use the computer to see where the Baudelaire book was, and then ‘get the heck out’ and not update the liveblog, would save that for the ‘safety’ of the music library, which I mostly prefer to McLennan anyways.

Is now 17:16. Blasting Igorr through headphones, really don’t want to go practice but know it’ll be good, or, at least, like, mildly fun. Maybe I’ll throw some Schubert under the fingers, or something?? I don’t know, I don’t have many days until I need to record prescreenings, but I’m feeling confident, maybe I’ll take a ‘rest day’ and focus on pieces I don’t need to prepare?? Keep the pieces that I need to record’ fresh’ and not just repeated to hell?

OH OH I know what I’m gonna do. Gonna print out some Thalberg to read. Never get tired of Thalberg. Thalberg, my love. Oh-so-neglected. Hahahahah I’m just spouting nonsense right now, need to leave the computer before my brain further devolves. OKAY onto the PRACTICE ROOMS see you later for the first inaugural ‘Soundtrack of the Day’

20:40: Watching livestream of Megan Boyle reading entirety of Liveblog over ~52 hours without stopping; will not be updating this liveblog any more tonight, please also tune in to the stream, link in Megan’s Twitter

#liveblog #blog #writing

13 november 2018

12:42: Out of bed. Don’t say anything. I know what you’re gonna say, and don’t say it.

Yeah so I went to bed really late last night SO WHAT. In my defence I practiced for a really substantial amount of time AND then I got home and I went to go work out so I mean I know it’s no excuse for staying up until four in the morning but I was just ‘feeling myself,’ you know?? Don’t really like that phrase, but don’t want to change it either, getting a sensation of, like, ‘it’s on the page, if it’s on the page, you can’t change it.’ Feeling pretty sore right now, which is kind of a good feeling. Always enjoyed sore muscles, it’s like, ‘hehe, yeah, you sure utilized me to my full potential the other day, didn’t you?’

Got ‘some hours’ before plans tonight. Don’t know why it seems that Tuesday is ‘George’s big night out’ so consistently?? Am I misremembering? Please help me, if one of you remembers, I’m too lazy to go and search through liveblog logs right now, and I don’t want to make the mental effort to go through my memories to figure out whether or not this is true, I just know another Tuesday, I think it was, I had the exact same plan??? Gonna hit up the Dungeon World crew (Astoria, Jasleen, Joseph, Michael, Corinna) tonight for some more adventures in fantasy land. Really excited, something about roleplaying is fundamentally appealing to my core. My ‘core components.’ My ‘constituent parts.’ Last time we played I stubbornly kept trying to communicate with a cohort of goblins, which was just completely exacerbating the peril we were already in. Going to see if I can make ‘better decisions’ this time, but, like, I get so involved into how my character would interact that it’s difficult to ‘think straight,’ or something. Then, just like the other ‘Tuesday night blowout,’ after Dungeon World have plans to meet with A. I finally found their publication, I have no idea why it took me this long to find, it wasn’t even, like, inaccessible?? I don’t know maybe I wasn’t paying attention, I’m usually really good at the whole ‘using search engines’ thing, if you smell what I’m cooking.

Gonna spend the afternoon ‘chez George,’ imagining myself in an apron, spinning around, singing along to a record, tidying up the bedroom and bathroom and then throwing something good in the oven. Feeling like a ‘little domestic mouse,’ gonna put on some Kero Kero Bonito on my speakers and to the dishes, and then make something to eat that’ll take a while to cook, so I can use the time productively while waiting. Feeling good about today.

13:06: Washing the dishes. Have neglected these dishes for, like, three days, which is egregious for me, I’m not a very clean/neat person, I don’t think, but I hate clutter, or, like, disorganized clutter, so for me to leave dishes for this long in the sink may be a ‘red flag,’ or something?? No, no, I mean, it seems benign enough, I’m not going to look into this. It’s just dishes, ‘it’s just dishes, dude.’ ‘Blasting’ Time ‘n’ Place via Bose speakers. OH, here’s some storytime! I’ve wanted, like, speakers, any speakers, just speakers better than my old portable Bluetooth Jawbone Mini, and built-in laptop speakers, or my Google Home Mini speakers for a long time, but I don’t exactly have much of a budget for, like, hahah, like anything.

So I’m on the McGill ‘Free and For Sale’ Facebook page scouring for speakers, and there’s this grad student selling these great Bose speakers for next to nothing. So I message them and I’m like, ‘look I hate negotiating/haggling, what’s the lowest you’ll go for the speakers? If the listed price is as low as you’ll go I’ll be really happy to pay that or whatever the current highest bid for them are.’ And they were like, ‘na, you can take another five bucks off the listed price, just meet me tomorrow.’ So that’s the story of how George now has pretty decent bookshelf speakers for $15.

13:15: Dishes washed. Going to make congee now. Feel like congee has been consistently one of my favourite foods. Wait, wait, what am I even saying, all of my favourite foods have been consistent, I’ve never ‘fallen out of favour’ with any of my favourite foods… Trying to think, what are… Yeah, here’s a list:

-lobster

-fried calamari

-raw oysters

-i mean any kind of shellfish really

-congee

-steamed chinese dumplings

-all dim sum dishes

-monster energy drink

-a wide variety of salads as long as they don’t feature egg

-ratatouille

-steak

Those were the first things that came into my mind when thinking ‘what are my favourite foods.’ Feel like I enjoy Italian cuisine the most out of all the regions of cuisine in the world?? I think??? And I really like seafood, evidently?? I don’t know why I’m listing all of this hahahah, I’m gonna ‘throw some congee’ on the stove now gimme a sec

13:19: Okay congee in pot. Making a G Fuel, gonna take this G Fuel ‘to the face.’ Experimenting with British-style quotation marks today, ‘as you have probably noticed.’ Why, why am I doing this? I don’t know, sometimes, sometimes I just like to do things, you know? Sometimes I just like to experiment a bit, you know, just ‘try something new,’ just go with single quotation marks sometimes. I like to keep people on their feet.

Changed Kero Kero Bonito to Spotify ‘Christmas Classics’ playlist. Montreal did get some snow last night but it’s all gone, at least in my area now. I’m excited for winter.

13:56: Going to answer the four e-mails I’ve been not answering. I’m really bad at this, I need to stop putting off something like answering e-mails. Hate answering e-mails in the same way that I seem to dislike making administrative-related phone calls, but, like, doesn’t everybody? Just gotta do it, I always feel better after doing it anyways.

Congee stewing real nice, making my apartment smell a little bit like home in Boston. Genuinely excited to be home for Thanksgiving and for Christmas, too. Christmas is one of my favourite times of year. Don’t know why I’m feeling particularly excited this year, but, like, thought of idly sipping whiskey with a lot of snow outside, at home, with siblings around me is feeling real cozy right now. And I’ll be able to relax after the stress of all this application stuff and finals will be over. I guess I just explained why I’m feeling ‘particularly excited’ this year hahaha that wasn’t really hard at all.

14:49: Congee disaster on apartment floor. Was eating a bowl of it in front of the computer, and then went to put the rest from the pot into tupperware when I, like, somehow, dropped the tupperware… I had the cover mostly on it but I still spilled maybe like a quarter cup of congee on the apartment floor, wasted it, wasted it so badly. Cleaned it up using a large amount of my ‘dad napkins’ I’ve accrued at various fast food establishments. A ‘minor hiccup,’ I guess. Need to go practice now, still have enough time for a nice session before heading to Dungeon World. Feeling like more caffeine, but should probably abstain from it…? I don’t know, every so often I’ll have one of my regressive ‘energy drink urges,’ when I fantasize about the taste of like a Red Bull or something, and it’s hard to say no to. Might pick one up? Don’t know, will think about this while walking. At least it’s not raining.

15:08: Oh Christ I need to pick up the keys for work… Didn’t budget paying the security deposit… Okay going to allow myself to freak out about this for a bit, boss also said to meet him after I finished picking up the keys?? Going through everything in my mind, he has no reason to reprimand me, right??? I’m good at my job, maybe he’s annoyed that I haven’t yet picked up my keys? I don’t know, I’m just overthinking it, there’s no reason why he’d be upset. Just going to go to ATM, withdraw money for security deposit, grab keys, meet boss, ‘see what’s what.’

Listening to Deafheaven loudly through headphones, feeling ‘extreme levels of satisfaction’ from the music.

15:27: In music library. Had nothing to worry about, he just wanted to clarify some shifts that he was moving around. Really ‘not a big deal’ at all. Also, didn’t have to pay a security deposit??? Apparently the policy recently changed, so I don’t need to worry about it, don’t have to worry about dropping a bunch of money on a bunch of keys, heheh. Heheheh. Score. Imagining Megan Boyle yelling, ‘score!’ while jumping really high and, like, doing a small dance.

Just going to ‘throw these updates’ up on the liveblog, then head to the practice rooms. Unsure if I’ll have time to update past this, will be doing Dungeon World then meeting up with A, so I don’t know if there’s going to be a substantial pocket of time, will be hyper-focused on piano until I have to metro over to Michael/Corinna’s place. Also, how the heck do you spell Corinna? Like, it could be Corrina, or Corina, or Corinna, I don’t know how she actually spells it. I’ll just keep spelling it Corinna because that looks the most aesthetically pleasing to me??? Christ okay bye for now love you

#liveblog #blog #writing

12 november 2018

13:22: Sitting in music library right now, trying to “brainstorm,” trying to “keep things fresh,” or something. Nearing 50,000 words on this project, and feeling like I need to do something with it in order to keep it from “going stale,” not on the level of y’all the readers, but even for, like, myself, doing this, I think. Not that I’m having a bad time doing this, or that I’m starting to get bored with it, or anything, the only reason I didn’t update the liveblog for the past three days were personal matters that kept me occupied for most of each day, so, like, it was practicality, not lack of interest that “kept me at bay.” At the same time I never like just continuing to do something the same way just because it’s what you used to do, and I’m having, like, an itching feeling about the liveblog, like, “gotta do something new with it, gotta ‘switch it up’ a bit.” It’s naturally evolved, I know, in terms of the structure and the tone and the prose since first starting, which is good, I like the natural progression of it, but I want to play with it a bit, like, push the form “to its limits,” or something. I feel silly writing that, hahahah.

Really dislike days when I “don’t update” the liveblog, even if it’s for valid reasons, still feels like I need to have some kind of “plan of action” in case that happens. Consistency seems like a prerequisite, or else liveblogging as a form loses meaning/power/effectiveness?? Crap now I’m going off on a liveblog theory tangent, theorizing, I’m theorizing, folks, like a big giant moron. Let me try to parse this out, let me try to, uh, “illustrate in text” where I think I can start bending the form:

-Have been doing timestamps to-the-minute as a way of structuring the blog, with, sometimes, “mega updates” that are more cohesive paragraphs, foregoing timestamps, when I’ve been lazy/unable to jot time down on phone note, or when unable to get to a computer to update blog for long periods

-Enjoy this notion of the timestamp, gives the whole thing a “real” feeling to it, knowing, exactly, what the person is doing, and when, but need to find a way to make it more precise??

-Maybe make a private Twitter or Mastodon account and post what I’m doing, that way Twitter/Mastodon can automatically log the timestamp and I don’t have to keep adding it into my phone’s note document, and I can, “with ease,” log things with a more exact level of detail?

-This doesn’t really change the form, or anything, of what I’m doing, though, want to incorporate something “new and exciting” so I’m not just going off of what I’ve grown comfortable with, need to keep “pushing myself”

-Okay think, George, think, what would be challenging, now that you’re used to logging each minute of being awake, what would make it harder, like, leveling up, the next stage in the game, the next boss hehe

Oh wait I think I know, think I have something for you, let me “serve you up” with this, let me “butter your bread,” guys. Boy George has got something, you remember MySpace, when you could do things like “listening to” and put music?? Okay so here’s my idea, I think it’ll be mutually fun to read and to write, I’m gonna write a paragraph or so about the music album/song/thing that I’m most listening to during each day, since this usually changes by day, and also because I’m listening to music for most of the time that I’m conscious. Actually, wait, wait, let’s calculate, let’s do some calculations:

-awake for, like, 16 hours each day? -subtract ~2 hours lectures per day -subtract ~4-5 hours piano practice per day ~subtract any time i’m with people i like, unsure what this metric is, heavily depends on day

Okay for like 9/16 of the hours that I’m conscious I’m going to be listening to music, and I have, like, a LOT to say about music, like obnoxiously so. So this is good, I can include an insertion about the day’s “soundtrack,” OH OH THAT’S GREAT okay that’s what I’m going to call it, I’m going to call this section “Soundtrack of the Day” hahaha, okay, nice, nice. Will do this section later today, needs to be “late enough in the day” where I really know what the soundtrack that fits my mood of the day is. That way the Soundtrack of the Day can give insight into how I’m doing, and it can also just be fun to write about music in itself. Also going to do that timestamp thing with a private Mastodon/Twitter account that only I can access so that it’s a lot easier to quickly input what I’m doing and have it automatically timestamped, been thinking about doing this for weeks now but never “implemented” it.

Okay, okay, there’s the Liveblog 2.0 update, we are now on phase two of liveblog, folks, here are the “patch notes”:

-fixed timestamp logging system, switching from google keep to mastodon

-added “soundtrack of the day” section, should provide further insight into each day’s liveblog, should also be fun to read from a musically critical perspective

-additional resources added towards maintaining liveblog, even minimally, on days when time constraints make longer updating practically impossible; new timestamp logging system should aid in this, as i can just mirror all the tweets/toots onto liveblog without elaboration, but at least they’ll be there

Sick it’s 13:44 now, I’m going to head up to the practice rooms and “see what I can do” for a bit. Oh crap, I almost forgot, hahaahah, here’s what I did today: -woke at 11h right before needing to run out of door for piano pedagogy class -hurriedly brushed, didn’t do hair, threw on clothes, ran out door -stopped for organic low-sugar energy drink, 100mg caffeine, en route to campus -went to class -went to tim hortons, got jelly donut, large coffee with one milk -brought tim hortons to music library

Fairly straightforward day so far, I’m still not sure, exactly, where my mood is, but I’m feeling well re: liveblog 2.0 changes. Don’t know if there are enough changes to constitute marking this as, like, a completely new version, instead of just a point release, but whatever I’m not about to fricken start labeling liveblog updates/“patches,” like, 1.2 or 1.02, just sticking with whole numbers lmao.

Also don’t have too much of a plan today, my obligations today are “scarce,” there are not many of them, no, not many at all, nope. Will practice and “see where my heart leads me,” I think, yeah. Feeling very “neutral” today, feeling like a murky, amorphous, grey sac.

#liveblog #blog #writing

11 november 2018

did not update

#liveblog #blog #writing

10 november 2018

did not update

#liveblog #blog #writing

9 november 2018

10:42: Have a virtually all-day work shift, unsure how often, if at all, I’ll be able to update liveblog for today, but will try my best!!!!

#liveblog #blog #writing

8 november 2018

07:32: There goes alarm number one

07:44: There goes alarm number two

07:45: And number three

07:50: Not gonna snooze this one I SWEAR. Anyway, like, if you don’t at least snooze your first three alarms, what kind of a sociopath are you?? Have “big plans” today, if “big plans” means just having a productive day where I don’t make continual bad decisions. Don’t have a good reason for not liveblogging yesterday, it was just, I stayed up way, way, way too late on the night of the sixth, which resulted in me waking way, way, way too late on the day of the seventh, and in a complete state of brain fog, and entirely incapable of thinking in general. Spent the, uh, spent the afternoon hahahahh cause that’s when I woke up, Jesus, spent the afternoon doing administrative-related things, then had a work shift. Managed to touch a piano for, like, ten minutes before my shift started. Then did work. Then went home.

Felt pretty dysphoric for all of yesterday, as a result of just knowing that it was due to my own stupidity that I wasted an entire day. And not only wasted it, but that I wasn’t in an acceptable mental state for the entirety of the day as well. Was a bit of one of those “wake up calls,” or something, like, a personal “get your crap together, dude” moment, which made me decide, like, “okay, you’re sleeping before the sun rises tonight. you’re going to bed at midnight, no compromises. then you’re going to wake up early and DO THINGS, and not be in a completely debilitating stupor for the entire day.”

Seems like I’m off to an okay start, got seven hours of sleep, which is, like, for me, just above the bare minimum I get so that I don’t feel like I’m incapacitated at all. If I get less than six-and-a-half hours these days there’s a definitive, quantitative difference in my performance both mentally and physically, so, like, seven is, like, okay, nice job, guy. Been getting less than that for so long, and it’s one of the worst feelings, for me, at least, to go through a day in some fugue state, knowing that you’re not thinking clearly. Extremely frustrating, like knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what, exactly the cause/root is. Not worth it to stay up and enjoy the “festivities of the night” most of the time, unless it’s like, a get-together, or a celebration, because just the crappiness of feeling disgusting the next day outdoes so much of the fun/productivity that you could’ve just displaced with sleep and felt, overall, better. Don’t know why I keep getting less sleep than I need, it’s not for any productivity-related reason, it’s just self-indulgence. FEeling good that I’ve “reset” the sleep schedule today, going to see if I can continue it?? Know for certain that I need to wake by, at least, 11h on Saturday morning, so I can’t “go too hard” on Friday night, but Sunday I’m free, might be sleeping in on Sunday until noon, I fear… But probably not, I have nothing planned Saturday night, so I think a one, or two bedtime isn’t too late to be up by 10h or 11h again and feel, like, well-rested, even if I’ve had a bit to drink.

Outline of the day:

-go to health clinic (routine blood test just to make sure i’m not diseased or something)

-go to mclennan library to update liveblog

-go sign new work contract in music building

-practice (if time)

-go to actual appointment (since first visit to the drop-in clinic can only assign you a time, you can’t just jump into the appointment)

-go home for lunch/slight break, before heading to blood-work (since the actual appointment is just going to get me a blood-work time)

-go to music building to update liveblog

-practice

-go to piano organization meeting

-grab 710mL can of beer en route to home

-work out

-consume beer while reading/browsing internet intermittently

-shower

-bed

08:00: Teeth brushed (oh, did I mention I flossed last night?? That’s right I’m getting back on my floss game before I lose all my teeth and gums to decay!!!), face washed, hair wetted (it’s naturally looking good today, somehow, like, my bed hair looks pretty nice, so, minimal product needed), thermal shirt on, Champion hoodie I took from Corrina (on the night of Dungeon World, she had this bag of clothing she was going to donate, and offered any of it to us, and there “just so happened” to be this amazing coral or light-pink Champion hoodie that fits me PERFECTLY) on, brown slim pants on. Making a G Fuel shake, feeling a little out-of-it, probably because I’m really not used to waking this early, but I’m sure after a day or two it’ll be fine. Weather today should be good, for the first time in a while, we haven’t got much sun in a long time…

08:10: Taking this G Fuel “straight to the face,” really chugging it while updating music on iPod. Putting some more black metal on it, feel like I’m in the right mood today to listen to something bleak and aggressive but still feel good while doing so?? Not sure why I feel this, but, I mean, just going to “go along with it.” Could have left a bit earlier, but, like, I only have to sign the new work contract at 11h, which gives me way enough time, if I get there when the clinic opens at 08h30 there might be a substantial line already, but it’s not going to be, like, two-and-a-half hours long substantial. Feeling like I’m “leisurely treating myself” by allowing myself to leave by 08:30.

08:21: En route to clinic now. Witnessed police stopping bikers for some kind of infraction at an intersection, who look like students. Jesus, imagine just trying to make your 08h30 lecture on a frigid morning, biking and not driving, and you get stopped by a cop?? Who’s going to write you a ticket?? That’s going to cost an inordinate amount of money that you can’t afford because you’re a student?? And then it’ll make you late for your lecture?? That’s gonna throw your entire day off, like, what the heck, I understand they have a quota and they need to write a certain number of tickets, but why give it to a student… Who’s clearly on their way to class… I don’t know, this upset me, I don’t like this, I don’t like this at all. Keep turning backwards to witness the cop writing the ticket, trying to internalize their face.

08:36: Okay, got my ticket, number 90, the last number that was called was, like, 72? So I’m really not that far off. I know that people like to “trash talk” this clinic, and I know individual experience is no way to accurately report anything, but I guess I’ve always been lucky in that I haven’t yet had a bad experience with this clinic. I mean this in the physical sense, like, for physical ailments, I have no concept of how the mental health side of the clinic operates, though from what I hear it’s, uh… It’s not the greatest…

One of the comfy chairs is available, and not just the wooden benches, miraculously, going to read Foucault. Feeling alert, and, like, sort of preppy?? This is unlike me, I almost never feel like this. I think it’s just because of the early start, and my optimism with finally “setting things straight” in my life. Also feeling excited to go to arcade with A on Friday, feeling like I need to “earn” it, need to accomplish my lists of tasks for the day or else I can’t allow myself any relaxation time. Seems like this is a good thing to do, if done responsibly.

Always feel a strange sort of social structure exists at the clinic, not sure why I think so, though… There’s a weird sort-of tension between the students, and the secretaries behind their desks, like, a palpable but under-the-rug aggression between them, and then between the students there too seems to be a weird no-holds-barred sort-of attitude that I can’t place. Need to think more about this, maybe it has something to do with the stress that comes with being ill, and also the mutual struggle of attempting to see a limited amount of doctors?

09:45: Okay, my number was called, wow, that went by a lot quicker than I thought it would. Making my way through the Foucault, so far it hasn’t been terribly difficult to comprehend, though that’s one of the reasons why I chose this book and not other philosophy books I was looking to “get into.” Wanted to explore postmodern philosophy since I am not well versed in it AT ALL, but didn’t want to immediately start with a philosopher that writes primarily through references to other philosophical concepts, or presupposes a wide array of knowledge of other philosophers, because I just don’t really know much about philosophy at all. His rhetorical strategies are so efficient, was sending a message to [removed] about it being, like, “he’ll introduce an argumentative position you didn’t even know you had, and then he’ll explain why it’s invalid, before you even realized you could take that perspective.” Not sure if I’m describing this well, I hope I am…

09:47: Got my time for the appointment: 12h exactly. Going to head to McLennan now and update liveblog, which should take me right up until when I need to head to the music building to sign the contract. Mission: Accomplished.

10:43: Just finishing up this first liveblog update, feeling mental state continuing to ascend from a place of grogginess to a place of awareness. Really enjoying this feeling, like, really appreciating that it’s happening, and wanting it to continue. Realize, too, that even if I get adequate sleep and wake early, it doesn’t guarantee days like this, but also know that it caters to them a lot more than sleeping at 3, or worse.

Appointment time also means I’ll have adequate time to get a bit of practicing done, can at least get through my finger exercises and maybe some run-throughs, though maybe I should focus more on passage work at this point? I don’t know, I’ll “feel it out” once I’m in the practice rooms. Need to leave soon for the music building.

Also know I shouldn’t have more caffeine, but?? Like?? A coffee and a donut sounds so good right now? Do I do it, do I “become the slob?” Picturing myself as this giant amoeba sac right now, just sort of flopping along the ground, trying to get somewhere in the least efficient manner possible. I think, yeah, yeah, I think I’m gonna do it… but not yet… Going to do it before heading to the clinic again… Yeah, yeah, going to get that donut after I finish practicing. Then I’ll at least feel less guilty about spending money out on a coffee and donut. Remembering when I used to go to MIT on the weekends and my dad (who drove me there) and my little brother would sit in the student centre and get Dunkin Donuts. Dad would do work on his laptop and brother would study, or play handheld video games, and brother would always get the “glazed stick.” Was his favourite of all the pastries they had there. I don’t think I really have a favourite donut?? Depends heavily on my mood, but, like, okay, George’s Most Frequently Consumed Donut: jelly. Yummie. Gimme that jelly, need it, need that, need that jelly-- gimme.

Walking to music building now “with a pep in my step” hahaha

11:05: Finished signing the new contract. Took all of five seconds, though I don’t really know what I was expecting?? It’s, I mean, it’s just a contract, I have no idea why I thought it would take anything longer than that… Also have to make an amendment to the daily schedule, I completely forgot that the bloodwork lab is just walk-in as long as you have the right forms from your appointment, so I should be able to go directly from my appointment to the bloodwork lab, get my blood drawn, and then leave right after!! Less time wasted, can also mitigate it further via reading more Foucault while back in the clinic. Have a bit of time now to try and practice.

11:07: All piano rooms taken. Seems to be par for the course these days around this time, but it would have been nice to have an upright, even for a small chunk of time. There’s some uprights available on the third floor so I’ll just take one of those, even though almost all of them, like, literally, 99% of them are just horrendous. But, most people never even get the chance to touch a piano, so who am I to complain?

Going to run through my Alkan and Thalberg, and then going to focus work on Beethoven. Not too unprepared for prescreenings, and will definitely not be unprepared for auditions, for once, feeling confident about this. Just have a handful of passages in these two romantic-era works that I still stumble on that I’m not 100% feeling comfortable with, but, I mean, they’re not out of reach, or anything, I just really hate detail-oriented practicing.

Upright I got is one of the “absolutely atrocious” ones. Surprise, surprise. Terrible touch, terrible sound, feels more like I’m playing on soggy bread than a keyboard. Going to “make the most of it,” hopefully will get a grand in the next practice session.

11:50: Heading back to clinic for actual appointment and bloodwork. Shouldn’t take too long, I’m anticipating, so there’s still a huge chunk of the day left to practice piano. I’ll start studying for the second behavioural neuropsychology midterm on Saturday and Sunday, that should be enough time before Monday to make my way through all the lectures that are being tested on, not too worried about this. Thank god the bulk of midterm season is over and I don’t have to honestly worry about finals for a bit, feels good not to be freaking out every single night over not spending enough time studying.

12:50: Okay my appointment time was 12:15 and I’m still waiting…

13:15: Yeah, I guess they’re running way behind. I should have anticipated this, “should have known” not everything clinic-related would go so smoothly. I’m not angry, or anything, like, they have an enormous volume of students to handle and not enough funding to do it properly, it’s not their fault, just would’ve liked to get “in and out.” Making good progress on the Foucault, on a particularly difficult section now where he discusses the concept of soul in relation to penal systems. Having to reread a bunch of sections to understand what he’s talking about, I hate when this happens, always gets me annoyed/frustrated and makes me want to hurl things against walls, or something. Keeping me occupied, at least.

Also feeling first surge of exhaustion of the day; I figure this is just cause of the earlier wake time than I’ve been used to in a while, also that I got just over my threshold of sleep, this always happens, feels like this happens to most people a few times a day anyways, especially when they’re just sitting in a warm space on a relatively comfortable surface while reading. Fighting it off via taking massive breaths and shaking my head.

13:25: Hey, okay, the consultation is done! Went in, doctor was real nice and all. Got my forms for all the blood tests that they’re gonna run, “making my way” to the bloodwork lab. They’re closed for lunch until 13:45, but that means I might be one of the first people in before they get back, so I’ll definitely not have to wait long for someone to stab me with a needle.

14:25: DONE. WE DID IT. They’re only gonna call me if I need to come in for some reason because of some concerning results or whatever, so if they don’t, I should be A HEALTHY HUMAN from the perspective of BLOOD. Got message from [redacted], going to go and have lunch with them instead of lunch at home; nice that we have this weekly Thursday lunch recap thing, feels wholesome, and a nice way to “keep in touch.” Always enjoy talking to them. Will probably splurge and get a banh mi, keep telling myself I’m making the “big bucks” now post-promotion, but, like, should still probably “keep a wrap” on how much I spent eating out… Walking to music building now, feeling high levels of excitement.

15:49: Lunch/talk with [redacted] done. Seems like we never have a shortage of things to discuss, it’s always rapidfire conversation from the second we see each other until one of us or both have to leave. Glad to have people like that in my life, where conversation never seems to be exhaustible, in a natural, non-forced way. Still going to head home, though; not going to my cog sci lecture. Feeling like it’s “not worth it” because I’m behind on the readings and I know, from attending a bunch of previous lectures, that I’m not going to be able to follow much what’s going on. Don’t have to study for the final for this for a while longer, thank the lord, but I do have quite the backlog of readings for this class. Imagined myself saying “I do have quite the backlog” with a heavy British accent of some sort. Reminds me of Dunkirk, that Christopher Nolan film, was rewatching parts of it last night. Feel like it’s definitely one of my favourite films, one of the few films without much dialogue and with a huge focus on pure action that still makes you endeared to the characters and story, even if the story is all but nonexistent, in my opinion; I feel like the way it was structured, which confused some reviewers I like, was really good and made a lot of sense; feel like if the story was told entirely linearly, things wouldn’t have coalesced and climaxed in the way that it did; by splitting the story into three timelines shown on screen at the same time, but taking place in actuality at different moments, and depicted on-screen at differing speeds, only to finally come together, where the viewer can see all three parts merge, really makes the film; first time seeing it in theatres was with my parents, I was immediately like, “I have to see this again, I can’t watch this 70mm film on my laptop.” This was during one of my breaks, and I headed back to school soon after, and then I literally saw the movie another two times, and even bought a ticket for one of my friends to “coerce them” into seeing it before it was taken off screens.

Gonna walk home now and just recuperate for a moment, not going to risk lying down in bed, or anything, but it’ll be nice to be back in my apartment even for ten minutes or so.

16:32: Okay, spent twenty-ish minutes idly watching tech-related YouTube videos, now going to head back to school for some practice. This little forty-minute diversion cut a chunk out of practice time, but felt it was worth it, was feeling a little strained after the talk with [redacted], not because of the talk, but, right after the talk ended, I felt another surge of tiredness. Realizing now the first surge might be because of the caffeine crash after the G Fuel I had in the morning, combined with having just eaten, which has a whole host of reasons why it naturally makes people feel tired. Gonna “do the ol’” Beethoven, it’s the opus 110 sonata, my favourite sonata he ever wrote, but I think I already told you that?? Whatever, I’m telling you again, this is my blog, shut up.

18:22: In McLennan now, gonna use these forty minutes to update the liveblog. Piano meeting “looming,” imminent piano organization meeting. Great way to end the penultimate weekday. Tomorrow though I do have a really really long all-day work shift that’s not going to end until 22h, which I’m sort of miffed at, actually. Still, it’ll be a good impetus to get me out of bed again at seven-thirty-ish so I can practice before my 10h lecture, because right after the lecture my shift starts, and then right after the shift I’m meeting up with A. Glad I also got that banh mi in my stomach earlier, feeling minimally hungry. Today was a productive day.

Might be the last blog post of the day, if I have beer I usually don’t really feel the need to update the liveblog, because I’m just sitting in my apartment sipping beer and reading things. This might be it for today, I love you people so much, and I hope your days were good too!!!! See you soon!!!!!!

#liveblog #blog #writing

7 november 2018

did not update

#liveblog #blog #writing

6 november 2018

15:34: Today has been stupid stressful, and it’s only partially my fault this time. This has been my first moment to, like, “breathe,” so I’m like, “okay, just use this time to get down your thoughts, ‘let off some steam,’ just breathe and it’ll be okay.” I’m feeling myself calming down, listening to some black metal. Feeling a little angry, a little upset, which I haven’t felt in a while. Or, no, I’m going to rephrase that, I feel angry towards myself almost constantly, and when I was younger I was extremely angry towards the world as a whole, but recently I’ve been feeling non-hostiley to external structures/people for a really long time. But, especially now that I’m getting, like, in-touch with myself more (haha I fricken suck lmao), and certain events are piling up, I’m feeling a little aggressive, like, a little like I have to “show my fangs” again. Don’t want to get into any details, it has nothing to do with my personal life whatsoever, my friendships are all amazing, it has to do with other parts of my life; I’ve been pretty accommodating and more than willing to always bend, or at the very least conform myself to other people’s/situation’s needs for the past year, but I think today it just hit a threshold and I’m like, “yeah, u want the old me back?? Is that what you really want??? you don’t want this, you want me to come out of my shell? u wanna push me to this point??? i’ll crush you, the psyches i’ve laid waste to line the mausoleums of hell, the catacombs of paris, the stones of the great wall three times over, don’t get me started, i will ruin u.” Hahahahah

Slept through my alarms this morning. That was the first thing that really threw this day in a loop. I shouldn’t have done that. But I’m making the most of the remaining hours; I have some time now to practice before a meeting with my piano organization, and then after that meeting I’m going to play Dungeon World, that dungeons-and-dragons-esque fantasy tabletop roleplaying game I mentioned playing a bit back, with the ol’ Dungeon World crew, Jasleen Astoria Phoebe Michael Joseph. Oh, by the way, I’ve been calling Phoebe the wrong thing since I met her, her actual name is Corrina, but because I’m terrible with names I’ve just been saying Phoebe. Going to rectify that now, okay people, PHOEBE IS CORRINA. Phoebe is the name of Corrina’s cat, and I’m an idiot.

Time to head up to the practice rooms and let off some steam, going to crush my way through these pieces. Talk way later today when I get home from Dungeon World.

OH OH also, been making my way through Foucault’s Discipline and Punish I bought the other day, his rhetoric is extremely effective, it’s really hard not to get enraptured in all of it, finding myself really liking it so far.

Don’t really have time to spare today so I’m going to practice now. Apologies for the curtness of this update.

“Which when Beelzebub perceiv'd, then whom, Satan except, none higher sat, with grave Aspect he rose, and in his rising seem'd A Pillar of State; deep on his Front engraven Deliberation sat and public care; And Princely counsel in his face yet shon, Majestic though in ruin: sage he stood With Atlantean shoulders fit to bear The weight of mightiest Monarchies; his look Drew audience and attention still as Night Or Summers Noon-tide air, while thus he spake.”

-john milton, paradise lost, book ii, 299-309

#liveblog #blog #writing

5 november 2018

13:02: We made it to 40,000 words. Don’t know why this is any more of a landmark than, say, 30k, or 50k, but it felt like a good point to mark our progress. It’s like, wow, we got this far; not without hiccups, of course, and, like, off days when we just didn’t update the blog, but for the most part it’s been pretty consistent, these last two days notwithstanding (haha irony). Wanted to do something “big and new” for this one, something therapeutic, that might help “sort some things out” that I need sorted out in my life right now. Don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but just going to sort of let things “flow out naturally” in this update, I guess?? This isn’t going to be like the other updates, it’s going to be even more egocentric and it’s going to be entirely focused on “me myself and I” in a way that even thinking about it now I’m finding disgusting. Considered writing something like this and then just not posting it, but then was like, no, include this in your experiment, “get it all out there.”

Just forewarning you that this is gonna be really annoyingly self-centred, it’s just going to be an update of me trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life, because I really don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot of things I need to “fix” or “repair” or at least “amend” a bit in this bit of time that I have, before, like, I need to send out applications and whatnot.

But, since this is still a liveblog update, here’s, really briefly, what I’ve done, and what I’m gonna do today:

-Woke up at seven in the morning after getting three hours of sleep

-Felt in a complete dream state, physically couldn’t lift myself off of the mattress

-Continually shut off alarms while still being consciously dreaming (didn’t commit the dreams to memory, though, can’t remember what they are now…)

-Finally got out of bed at 10h50, knowing that I had to make it to my 11h30 class

-Decided against showering, thought, “you shower too much,” splashed water on my head and hair, “chugged” some water, brushed, put on work clothes

-Checked weather via Google Home Mini device, had a brief conversation with Google Home on how they were doing

-Went to piano pedagogy class, stopped for a Monster “Zero Ultra,” which I’ve never had before, was pleasantly surprised at taste; chose it because I didn’t want anything with sugar, even if I know about the detriments of sugar substitutes. Was focusing mainly on not wanting more cavities.

-In library now working on “commemorative” “we made it to 40k liveblog update”

-After this, going to send out a bunch of administrative-related e-mails, read some Foucault (bought a copy of Surveiller et punir finally, really looking to “get into it”), go to my work shift, finish my work shift, practice piano, go home, work out, shower, try not to feel worried

-At some point will also go get a banh mi or something from the music cafeteria because I neglected to pack a salad

So here we go, I guess. Going to put another warning:

!!!!DO NOT READ THIS, LIKE, it’s NOT GOING to be FUN, it’s not going to be interesting, just going to be me ruminating on my own life and trying to work through some stuff, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!!!

Okay, so, feel like I need to be honest with myself, yeah, which is not something I think I’ve done in a while. Need to really analyze what I’m good at, what I’m not good at, and, from both lists, what I want to work on. Reminded of scene in Nightcrawler when Jake Gyllenhaal’s character has a monologue, asking the question, wait, hold on, let me just pull up the script, actually--“Last year I took an online business course, for example. I learned you have to have a business plan before starting a business, and that why you pursue something is as important as what you pursue. The site advised you to answer the following question before deciding where to focus your abilities. The question was ‘What do I love to do?’ The site suggested making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? And what are you not that good at? Maybe you want to strengthen and develop knowledge about the things you’re already good at. Or maybe you might want to strengthen your weaknesses.” Not that I’m trying to, like, model my life after that character no not at all I just was thinking about that scene and that I’m doing something similar.

I think one of the worst aspects of my personality is that I’m particularly disagreeable by nature. After taking a psych personality assessment test with a pool of more than 10,000 samples, I scored in the 2nd percentile of agreeableness. I mean, interpersonally this poses a lot of problems to address, but I think right now I need to slap myself in the face because a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I can’t, or, like, historically, cannot seem to get myself to do anything that I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s laziness--though I’m definitely also lazy--because I’ll, like, read for eight hours on a topic I’m interested in and not feel drained or exhausted, but on the other hand, if I’m taking a course and we’re on a chapter that doesn’t interest me, the amount of effort it takes to get me to even skim the summary of said chapter seems egregiously high, compared to most people I know. Especially after taking all these psych courses this semester, and learning about the concept of personality, feels like I need to somehow grapple with this, because I can’t keep going through life only doing things I want to do. This leaves a lot of other things in a state of disarray, and if those things aren’t sorted out, it makes it a lot harder, or, sometimes, even impossible, to do the things I actually want to do.

Like, as an example, I already made a list of the professors I wanted to ask for recommendation letters. This list has been in existence for a long time, like, a l-o-n-g time, but I neglected to e-mail them to ask them for the recommendation until just a few days ago. This gives them just a month to write the letters, which isn’t ideal. The only reason I didn’t send out the e-mail, took the tiny amount of thirty minutes to send them out, was because I was like, “I hate doing administrative/bureaucratic things, hate communicating in this way, hate the application process, I’m not going to do it, I refuse.” Until, I was like, “okay, George, if you don’t send out these e-mails nOW, you’re not going to have recommendations, and if you don’t have recommendations you’re literally not going to be able to complete your applications, and if you don’t complete your applications, you will literally have 0 chance of getting into any school, let alone one you want to actually attend.” So I finally did it. And it was just because I was in my disagreeable little bubble of, “I’m not gonna do it, I refuse, I don’t like this.”

So this is now something that I’m hyper aware of. I think the solution to this is to acknowledge that I have a personal responsibility to myself, and to others, to accomplish these tasks, if for no other reason than they facilitate the ability to do whatever the hell I want. If I remember that, if I keep just telling myself that there are some things that are just unfortunately non-negotiable GIVEN THAT I want to do x, y, and z, then I’ll be more likely to accomplish the non-negotiable task to get to x, y, and z. I can feel this working, and it’s a small step, but I’ve never contended with being disagreeable before, I always just accepted it, like, “yup, too bad I guess.” And I am not saying I want to change that, it feels extremely inherent, to me, or, like, it’s immutable in my personality, I just want to adapt and find more ways to operate in the world so that I don’t only have one manner of being, which in itself is extremely constricting, and I want to be as adaptable as possible, just personally, it’s something that I value.

So that’s one thing that’s been on my mind, the other is that I’ve got to admit to myself when I’ve got too much to handle. This is something else I always do with myself, I always downplay everything as if I was smarter than I actually am, I’ll go, like, “oh, that’s going to be a cakewalk, you don’t have to study at all for that,” and, “you know the piece better than you think, just wing the performance, you got this, it’ll be fine.” And then if I have a bunch of tasks that I have to do, like right now, I’ll just keep lying, I’ll keep going, “whatever, George, you can handle this, this is nothing, this is a breeze,” but it rarely ever is a breeze, and if I’m really thinking honestly, I carry pretty consistently high levels of stress and anxiety that I know would be lower if I just accepted that I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and that I need to put in more work than I think I should.

Also need to be like, this isn’t a sign of weakness, or something, like, it’s far weaker to consistently lie to oneself about their abilities. Need to be like, it’s okay to acknowledge, internally and externally, that I’ve got a lot of things to do and I’m not sure I can accomplish them all to a good degree, and that I’m really struggling, because right now I’m actually struggling a lot. Have to prepare and record my prescreenings, finish application packets, on top of keeping up with my five psych courses with finals coming up real soon, and an increased work schedule since my promotion. That’s, for me, okay I’m going to say it, that’s a lot of work for me. And the amount of work that anyone can handle varies from person-to-person and that’s fine, it has no bearing on how “weak” they are, how “weak” they are is only in how they approach the work that they have, right? So I’m freaking out, yeah, if I’m being honest I’m freaking out a lot, and I’m extremely bad at expressing myself, especially face-to-face, with most people, and it’s not that it’s “difficult for me to say these things,” it’s more like, how should I say… It’s more like it doesn’t even occur to me to say, because I’ve gotten so adept at lying to myself that, in a lot of circumstances, I genuinely think that I can take on more than I actually can.

There, that felt good to write, I liked writing that, even if it made me a little sad. Don’t know why it’s making me sad, but I’m going to let myself feel that, just going to let myself feel that way.

Then it’s also like, what are my value systems? What are my frameworks for life? Why am I even applying to master’s programs? Am I doing it for myself, or am I still doing it for my parents? What do I want to get out of life, and how should I go about accomplishing that? So, like, it’d be amazing to teach piano at a university level, it’d be great to be a professor, so it’d be really great to have at least a master’s degree. I want to publish papers and I have a lot to say about a lot of music-related topics, so I want to continue in academia, but on my own terms; there’s so many issues I have, and I’m sure everyone has, with the way the academic sphere is currently run, and I want to do my best to change it, hopefully, for the better. But then, what school do I want to go to?

Going to say something here now that will probably upset my parents a lot, but I really don’t feel that the school, to me, matters nearly as much as the people I’m around. Of course, if the institution is terrible, then it’d be extremely difficult to operate there, but, after a certain baseline, which I cannot really computatively compute and put down in definitive terms, all these institutions feel like small variations of each other. I know it when I feel it, I guess, like, if a place has faculty I like, and facilities that are up to a certain level, then the school itself matters less to me than the location of the school, and the people I’m going to be around. If I got into a “top-ranking” school and got a huge scholarship, but it would mean extricating myself from significant people in my life, I would voluntarily take out a massive student loan on myself and attend a school that would put me in closer proximity to those people.

I think this is because, with more time, I’m more receptive towards the random-seeming nature of everything; people’s lives change on a second-to-second basis, without any provocation or planning, and even when people plan out an intricate future, the reality deviates in such immediate and harsh ways that those predictions 99.99% of the time just are never accurate. So, like, if I’m confident in my own abilities as an academic and as a pianist, then I’m going to a location which I feel would provide me with the most stimulation, the most possibility for personal growth, the best people that I want to keep in my life, and not relocate myself to a place with an ostensibly better “school,” because who’s to say, ever, if it would actually have any positive impact on my later life??

This isn’t making much sense, I’m reading this over and it sounds like blither. It makes sense in my head, trust me, and I’m trying to put it down as clearly as I can. Maybe I’m being too verbose. I don’t know, does it make sense?? All I’m trying to say is, whatever school I choose, the criteria for why I’m going there is going to depend more on the location (how’s the architecture? is there night life? is there a cafe in the area within walkable distance of campus that i really like? are the library chairs comfortable?), more on the people (are they stimulating? do i empathize with enough of them? do i feel comfortable amongst the local culture?), than on, like, the supposed quality of the institution.

I’m making a big deal out of this, I know, but it’s just because to me it is a big deal; it’s a really new mode of thinking that I’ve never really interfaced with, I’ve been told, growing up, consistently, that a “good institution” is what to strive for, and I’m understanding that my worldview simply isn’t compatible with that notion.

So now I’m going to need to create some kind of support network for myself, which is another thing I’ve stubbornly avoided doing, just telling myself, “you’re tough enough not to have one.” This is a lie, and an impossibility. I need to put myself in positions where I’m more likely to have a positive outcome. I don’t trust myself nearly enough to consistently make healthy choices in my life, because that’s not something historically I’ve ever done, so I can’t expect myself to start doing it. What I need to do, I think, is to try and frame the things I do in the day in such a way that they’re conducive and lead to more positive things, on a purely, like, mathematical level. So, like, I can’t trust myself to eat breakfast or lunch. So, a way that I can try and make sure I do in fact eat breakfast and lunch is to wake up at an earlier time than the 10h/11h that I wake up most days. That way, since I’m naturally up more hours, I’ll naturally be hungrier, so I’ll naturally seek out food for breakfast and lunch.

Or, as another example, I can’t trust myself to practice piano for an adequate amount of hours. Like, I really like my playing, and I have a really high-resolution and clear understanding of where I slot in, in terms of pianistic ability, but it could definitely be better if I just made sure I practiced even just a bit more a day. So, if I make a seemingly unrelated decision, like, instead of going to McLennan, make sure you use the music library to a 2:1 ratio that you use McLennan, just by virtue of being in the music library, surrounded by scores and reminders of music, I’ll naturally just be like, “oh hey, I’m itching to play that piece right now” more.

That’s what my plan is, going to try and “set myself up” for inadvertent-but-positive decisions, rather than just naturally going through each day doing “what I want to do,” which usually results in, like, some productivity, and I am still usually getting things done, but it also leads to consistently poor decision making, like, procrastinating on tasks, or spending too long on YouTube.

This is a nice segue, I guess, into my relationship with technology. For years I’ve always used the internet a lot, like, a lot, and in a way this has been great, I’m pretty fricken good with technology, and not just, like programming, or something, but like, I’m fluent with the hardware, and with, like, a staggering amount of software. If I need to figure out how to do something new related to technology, I’ve used it to such a degree that it’s preternatural, and I can sort of “feel out” how to do it intuitively. This is a positive, I think, a definite positive. On the other end of that spectrum, though, is that I interact with social media, and with other people, in a way that I am starting to feel personally disgusted with. I use it as an outlet to feed my personal ego, to try and “be funny,” and to be provocative. Everyone has a public persona, and there’s nothing wrong with this, but I don’t want to view the general public in such a staged way anymore, I think. I used to get a lot out of it, but now, it just feels like I’ve foregone actually interacting with people in favour of, like, experimenting with them.

I want to use social media less, and this has already happened. I wrote a script that deleted every one of my Facebook posts I’ve ever made, like, they’re permanently gone, wiped, so I’ve got a clean slate. And I’m going to use this opportunity to use that clean slate to push updates on things that I’m genuinely interested in, not just in things that I think will make people laugh, or something. I mean, I love making people laugh and feel good, so those things will still come, but I need to stop thinking and participating socially in a manner that, sometimes, focuses exclusively on people’s reactions. I am far too concerned, in a really damaging way, what people think of me. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing, like, I’m hyper aware of trying to be polite and to not do anything that would annoy the people around me. I am constantly thinking about how to be a respectful person, which I think a lot of the time is good. But it’s also really debilitating because it also means that I’m constantly assessing if what I’m doing is impressive, if enough people are intrigued by me, if people find me fascinating. I need to stop caring about that. The people who find me genuinely interesting will still find me genuinely interesting just by virtue of me being myself. I don’t need to constantly be putting on some kind of act, reassessing the value of that act via the reactions of the people around me.

So I’ve really cut down on my use of Facebook and Instagram, this was, surprisingly, not difficult to do; it felt really natural, just a natural progression in my life, and it’s actually made me feel a lot better, a lot less anxious, a lot more comfortable just operating and going through each day.

I guess everything that I’ve said above could just be summated in that I’m trying to be honest with myself. I guess it’s been a long while since I’ve made an attempt at this; I have a perception of myself that’s gotten so skewed and off that it’s not only inaccurate, it’s dangerous. I can’t keep operating life with this false supposition that I’m actually a lot better at things that I’m not. It’s fine to be bad at things, it’s not fine to lie about being good at them and then, by extension, refusing to grow as an individual and improve on those things. It’s not fine to make excuses for one’s own behaviour, in order to reaffirm a framework of existence that’s only there because one is too lazy, or unwilling to modify it to make it better. I need sleep, I’m not someone who can operate on four hours or anything. I need to eat, I can’t pretend that eating one meal a day is somehow acceptable. I lack mathematical ability, and it’s difficult for me to understand, let alone implement, mathematical concepts, without significant effort. My writing tends to be over stylized, not well thought out, conceptually relying on low-hanging fruit. My papers rely on handfuls of small observations without ever materializing to anything significant. It’s easier, and more pleasant, for me to lie to myself, rather than want to actually work on myself. I’m far too judgmental of everyone. This list could go on forever yada yada wow jesus did I really just write all that about myself?

Feel like this is a good place to stop with this. “Got this out of my system.” Apologising again, I feel weird just penning an entire blog post to such obvious revelations, but I feel severely underdeveloped as a person, especially compared to some other people my age that I interact with, so while this might have been discovered a long time ago by a lot of you, I’m only just now coming to terms with it. Going to stop it there, that’s a whole lot about me, and I’m exhausted at writing about myself.

Hey now seems like a good time to get a sandwich, I think!! Going to go do that, grab a banh mi and a coconut water or something, going to eat it while listening to music and maybe reading some Foucault. Still have three hours before work starts, so I’ll go to McLennan, up to the top floor that I love, to some unused grad student’s carrel, where I’ll be able to look out over this part of Montreal. Then I’m going to alternate between reading and sending out these e-mails I’ve been putting off. I feel like I’ve grown more in this past semester than I have in the entire other years of my undergraduate “career.” Don’t know why this is happening, but I like it, even if it’s been an extremely difficult period in my life. Getting a mental image of animals molting, thinking, like, “it’s always difficult to move into the next stage of your life,” or something.

Can’t live as someone you dislike, or you’re going to be miserable all the time. Need to continue working, not pretending that I have the traits that I like. Need to actually work to attain those traits, to deserve those traits, to possess those traits, so that I actually like myself. Feeling good, yeah, yeah, I’m grinning.

Will update this later. Feeling myself “maturing,” or something silly like that hahah. Feeling a pleasant resignation of something I can’t place. Feeling good.

15:06: Okay I actually have less time than I thought, I misread the work schedule, the event starts at 17h which means I have to get there at 16h. Also forgot that I have to do an assignment for my behavioural neuroscience course that I’m ages behind in. The assignment itself shouldn’t be hard but it’s a reminder that I need to start studying for the upcoming second midterm thing for it. But since I only have, like, forty minutes or so right now I think I’m going to use that time to try and get through a bit of the Foucault? Feel very interested in that right now, seems like a good way, too, to act as a bit of an intermission of other tasks I need to do today. Just as a way of getting organized here are the tasks I need to remember:

-sleep earlier to get up for 08h30 lecture, need to wake early

-do psych assignment

-respond to e-mails

-practice piano

-if time, work out

-shower

-cook dinner

This list isn’t in any particular order, just wanted to, like, “get down on paper” this so that I don’t forget, like, I just remembered the psych assignment while walking to the library, is how “out of it” I am today.

18:34: In practice room now after my work shift. I really like working with my bosses, both of them are great. Did a gigantic training shift yesterday, today’s shift was only two and a half hours, so that was nice that I didn’t have to stay in the booth for HOURS AND HOURS, which is a good environment but also like, if it’s for hOURS AND HOURS it can feel a little oppressive.

Feel excited to get some practicing done, feel like what I’ll do is practice until I can’t concentrate anymore (thinking of Tao Lin’s Can’t Concentrate Manatee, will post a pic of it below), which won’t take very long given that I barely slept last night. Then I’ll head to the music library and do my psych assignment so that I don’t just go home and immediately slack off (always harder to slack in public than slack alone). Feeling myself “setting myself up” for a more productive environment, if I don’t go home immediately after piano I have a statistically higher chance of not immediately going on YouTube, or something.

Okay time for finger exercises.

#liveblog #blog #writing

4 november 2018

Did not update.

Worked a shift which lasted practically all day.

#liveblog #blog #writing

3 november 2018

Commemorative We Made It To 40,000 Words liveblog extravaganza is coming tomorrow!!

It’s gonna be personal!!

It’s gonna be different!!

I’m working on it right now so it’s probably going to be inordinately long!!

Tell your family!! Tell your friends!! Tell your loved ones!! Tell your aunts!!

What this post really needs is MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS

SEE YOU TOMORROW OKAY WE GOT A BIG ONE COMING

#liveblog #blog #writing

2 november 2018

05:30: Oh Christ almighty I’m awake but I want to be able to fall back sleep for a bit, I don’t have to leave for another hour, but now that I’m conscious, and I’m conscious of needing to take this GRE, my adrenaline is going haywire, and I’m sort of just flopping around in bed like a beached dolphin. Went to bed way too late to be responsible, and I’m totally not hungover or anything, so not hungover, there’s no sarcasm here, you must look: elsewhere, for the SARCASM. Okay okay do I get up?

06:02: Still in bed. Trying to “allocate system resources” so that I can leave bed. Feeling extreme sense of dread regarding my personal future, trying to remind myself, “it’s just the cortisol, it’ll even out, don’t worry, it’s just the cortisol.” Repeating that in my head. It’s working, a little, maybe? This has been happening most mornings for weeks now, just a really “pervasive sense of dread,” just worrying both over things I have no control over, and over things that I have control over but just haven’t done. Shouldn’t be dwelling on this, should just be focused on making incremental, concrete changes in how I’m living life, not. Not just, like, feeling sorry and afraid over myself.

06:10: Feeling slow resurgence of self confidence. Or, no, that’s not the right word, that’s the wrong terminology, it’s not like, I mean, I’m pretty self confident, never had “self confidence issues,” more like, just “overly anxious over things I shouldn’t be overly anxious over.” Debating, in my head, whether or not I should take public transit to the test centre… It’s all the way west on the island, and it’ll take like an hour and a half via subway and bus… I mean, no, here’s what I’ll do, I’ll splurge, I’ll take an Uber there, because the last thing I want right now is to just enter a terrible headspace by immediately heading to a subway station while it’s raining outside (DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU? yeah it’s REALLY RAINING outside, like HEAVILY) and then sitting on a train all wet and then switching to a bus and then riding a bus through the black of Montreal winter mornings and then sitting in a windowless room staring at a screen for four hours taking an exam.

Yeah, okay, deciding, definitively, to take Uber there. Will be relaxing, one of my favourite activities, barring when I’m feel nauseous, is just sitting in the backseat of a car, not shotgun, and listening to music and staring out the window. It’s really relaxing and puts me in a nice and contemplative mood. Same goes for subways, just, not, like, when it’s six in the morning, on little sleep, you know?

06:14: Brushed teeth, put on bunny sweater for “comfort and protection,” put on corduroy pants, put on boots, put on “puffy white jacket.” Going to walk across the street to the grocery to buy something caffeinated, and “test day snacks,” probably some granola bars, or something. Sensing myself growing increasingly determined, in a way I always get when I’m about to do something I know I’m not exactly ready for, feels like a dramatic scene in a movie right before the big climax before denouement. Putting on a “Let’s Get Down to Business” vibe.

06:20: Got Monster “lo-carb” energy drink, box of granola bars. Calling Uber with phone now, standing under the roof thing of my apartment building. It’s so black out it could be any time between 18h and 19h, I forgot just how little sunlight there is during the winter. Always thought I had, like, reverse seasonal affective disorder. Have I talked about this before on here? Well, if I have, get ready to hear about it again, you maniacs. Like, usually, during the summer, I’m feeling pretty down all the time, and during the winter my mood improves dramatically, but this could be circumstantial? Usually during the summer I’m away from people I want to be around, and feeling like I’m wasting a lot of time? Maybe that’s it, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the seasons? In any case, feel like the sun doesn’t really have much an effect on my emotional state, even though I do like using those therapy lights. Those are cool. Very fun. Heheh.

06:23: Chugged can of Monster and ate one bar. Somehow already got an Uber within three minutes of requesting a ride, seems egregious at this hour and at my location? Sitting in backseat. Quite comfy, it’s a Volkswagen of some sort, I forget the model, pretty sure it’s a Golf just from how it looks. Driver has the radio tuned to 96.9, French language “contemporary hits” radio station, is not engaging in conversation, thank god. I’m putting on album Lifa by band Heilung, one of my favourite albums ever, this Nordic experimental folk band, and, like, closing my eyes, and am doing, like, “meditation-related” things, like breathing in slowly and breathing out even slower. Feeling extremely comfy, really comfy, and sort of wishing this ride last longer than the estimated forty-five minutes, it’s really peaceful, just staring out of the window at everything passing, city lights, other cars, etc. etc., and the rain that’s dampening everything. Reminds me of Burial’s music, as always.

06:50: Nearing the test centre. I’m there early, only need to be there by 7h30, but I guess the earlier the safer?? Finding myself appreciating this car ride, feeling like I’m “sinking into the seat” and just “taking the world in,” appreciating all that I have in my life right now and the people in my life. Caffeine from Monster seems to have done minimal, really not feeling much of a “kick,” but I guess that makes sense? Hard to counteract that little sleep, combined with hangover. Thinking over the minimal preparations I’ve done for this exam, and, like, not kicking myself, because “what’s done is done,” but still feeling confident? Always have had a “knack” for standardized testing, it’s sort of fun, like, feels like a game, maneuvering around answers you can tell the test makers put in to “trip you up”?? Or, when you get “in the zone” and you get hyper focused on the questions, and you start “tearing them up,” just “ripping through them.” Getting to that point is fun, yeah, yeah.

07:06: Arrived. Test centre is in an office building in part of a strip mall, in an area that seems like it’s all a bunch of strip malls interconnected by roads and parking lots in a complex-esque thing. I’m doing a terrible job of describing it, and I didn’t take a photo, but I’m sure you know what I mean, just an area of a bunch of retail shops and fast food eateries and chain restaurants?? Feeling memories of taking SAT and ACT exams, noticing differences between going to a “testing centre” and going to a high school, like for the SAT/ACT.

07:15: Waiting on the floor of the testing centre. There’s one other guy here too, briefly spoke to him casually while taking a granola bar “to the face.” He seems really nervous, is sighing a lot and just generally looks uncomfortable. Feeling pretty excited and unanxious myself, reading from Disaster Artist while waiting for test centre to open. This office building is particularly depressing, like, almost cliche in its “office-ness”... I guess most office buildings are like this, it’s hard to inspire creativity or foster it when you have to build up office buildings everywhere, seems like they’d all have to, for practicality’s sake, follow more or less the exact same layout. Jesus now this is depressing me even more. Going to stop thinking about this.

07:30: Inside test room. I guess because it’s a computer exam, there is no set start time for everyone to begin simultaneously?? Wow I’m an idiot, that’s what I assumed by the registration saying the test would start at 08:30. No, the receptionist is like, “as soon as you fill out these forms you can get started.” Okay, okay, signing my name and putting my bag in a locker. Feels almost like I’m about to go through airport security, on the form it’s like “you have to empty all your pockets and lift your pants above your ankles and we’re gonna scan you for metal with a wand and you have to take off your glasses so we can inspect there’s no recording devices on them.” Sure sure sure, yeah, whatever you like is fine, I’m about to crush this test, let’s get this over with, yada yada yada

11:44: Jesus Christ it’s over, it’s all over, we did it, people, we did it!! WE DID IT!!! IT’S OVER!!!! Hey you want to hear the good news first, or the BETTER NEWS FIRST???? Here’s what I’m going to do, first I’m going to hit you with the GOOD news: your boy here scored well!! NO I’m not gonna share it publicly you silly goose but let me tell ya to your FACE--NICE. It was NICE. I’m proud of what I got, especially given the circumstances. You know the BETTER news??? BOUT TO RIDE THE BUS AND METRO HOME AND NAP THE HECK OUT OF A FEW HOURS. Gotta make up some of this SLEEP DEBT, gotta sleep really HARD.

It stopped raining too, I’m bout to hop on this shuttle bus, I’ll see you later. Jk, that’s a quotation from a standup bit by Hannibal Buress. Lookie here, guys, it’s a forty minute bus ride, and another forty minute metro ride, and then a ten minute walk, and then I strip my disgusting clothes off and I slam my head into the pillow and I close my eyes real good. Close em real nice, real nice closing of the eyes.

Really grateful I somehow did well, if I did poorly it would’ve been such a shot to both my overall mental state right now, and my confidence in my own abilities as like a thinking, reasoning being. I know the idiocy of standardized testing, but it feels good knowing that, despite unideal circumstances, I was still able to perform well on mathematical and verbal reasoning tasks.

Going to switch from Heilung to something more upbeat, maybe some Ghost, maybe some Clarence Clarity, for this ride back. Glad I can also “celebrate” via hanging out w/ A, if I did poorly on this exam I also would feel guilty or just generally be in a less-than-gregarious mood, glad that I’ll be able to “enjoy this fully.”

Feel like doing something crazy with the keyboard, here goes nothing, eal;kjfiweoiriskljfdkldfkdfdklfvc. jkdfgjklfgdkjlgkjgkjgkjgfkjgfkweiroqiqwwpeowqen qqmmciieieiieroeioqwqpoqoiwqpoiwqpwe

hahahahah

13:21: Back in “home sweet home,” thinking, “home, home sweet home, sweetie pie home.” It smells better than I remember?? Who did this, who came in here and sprayed stuff, what have you done? I do not, I don’t deserve this, these “good scents,” in my place of rest…

Going to take pants off and crawl right the heck under my sheets, maybe watch a YouTube video or two to “unwind” and then drift off to sandman village. Setting alarm for 16h30, that should give me enough time to still be productive before hangout?? Have been, throughout my life, a chronically bad napper, but this time feels different. Got all the checkmarks, did well on the exam, barely got any sleep, still hungover, caffeine wearing off even if I didn’t feel it in the first place. Seems like everything “in place” for a real good “sleep session.”

16:14: “Ouuauughhgh” is what it sounds like my head is going right now, or, like, “oouuauuUUUGAUAAUUUGHHHHH,” yeah, YEAH, that’s more like it. Man I slept SO GOOD, can’t remember ANY of my dreams, even though usually when I nap I have really, really vivid nightmares that I’m able to remember for a LONG TIME afterwards. Mouth has a funny taste in it, the way it often does after napping. Why does this only happen after napping, and not after sleeping a longer period of time?? Does keeping your mouth open longer do something to the quality of your breath?? I’m confused, but at least it’s not as bad as, like, when you drink milk right before napping, that’s, that’s the worst. Always hate having morning breath, I don’t mind when other people have it, but if I have it I can’t focus on anything until I brush it out, then I can, like, do something like return to sleep more, but once I’m up, if I realize that I have bad morning breath that day, nOPE, gotta take care of that crap.

Going to head to the practice rooms now and see how much I can get done before 20h. Unsure if I’m going to be updating past this point, seems “dubious.”

Renewed sense of self worth after taking that exam, I think. I know it’s so arbitrary, and probably dangerous to feel such a renewed sense of self after something as ridiculous as a standardized test, but, like, I don’t know… Felt such severe self doubt of late that it’s good to at least be reaffirmed that I can, like, answer objective questions correctly. That’s a start, right? Maybe it will carry over to the practice rooms??

#liveblog #blog #writing

1 november 2018

13:53: Heh. Big heh. Didn’t do timestamps today. Hehe. HEHEH. HEHEHEHEH. In the music library right now to do this update and also to send out e-mails asking for recommendation letters. Why do I feel such an aversion to these sorts of tasks? Like the amount of stress/pressure/anxiety I’m feeling for doing such a simple task is inordinate, I could have sent out these e-mails way earlier, too, like, I knew who the people I wanted to ask for recommendations were, so, like, what the hell, George? I also have to wake up really early tomorrow, like, 5h early in order to make my GRE, which I’ve, uh, don’t tell my parents, but, like, I’ve studied so minimally for… Still, I got a pretty good score on my practice exam, and even though I studied really hard for the SATs, I still got a comparatively better score on the ACT, which I took without even knowing the format of the test, let alone studied for. So, I guess, we’ll just see what happens?? If I do badly, though, what a waste of money. God application processes for everything is just the worst, why do they all take this ridiculous format, be it for school, grants, publications, etc. etc. it’s just a huge mess.

Don’t really have a lot of time to spare for liveblog updates today, and I also haven’t done much, so this goes “hand-in-hand.” The play-by-play of this morning was, like, woke up from a sort-of nightmare? Not nearly as nightmarish as the previous two nights, so this seems to be a positive, yeah, a positive. Ate the rest of the giant Greek salad I made last night (put too much red wine vinegar, oops), made G Fuel energy shake, drank shake, brushed teeth, did hair, put on clothes. Headed to school. I know, I know, I woke up late again today. I feel terrible about it but tomorrow I’m getting up super early so that’ll make up for some of it, and I literally won’t be able to do everything I need to do if I continue waking at eleven, so, there’s some motivation, I guess, or something? I don’t know.

Got the Weakened Friends LP I was talking about yesterday, “Common Blah.” Playing it from my iPod now, it’s really good. Feel like this is going to be on heavy rotation for the vastly foreseeable future. Really relatable sound and lyrics, especially because it talks about the mid-twenties, which I’m about to enter, slash, like, who am I kidding I am practically already a part of it. Don’t want to get “too into” mortality/age right now, seems useless/unhelpful/futile, have two hours before I need to go to my cog sci lecture, so I’m going to end this update here. At 18h30 Phoebe and Jasleen and Astoria and Michael are coming over to my place, that’ll be fun, and I’m glad we agreed on an early enough time where I’ll be able to go to sleep early to wake up early. I’m excited for this. Also sad that I am missing the piano organization meeting tonight, haven’t missed any of them this semester yet… Also feeling excited to see A again on Friday, but you already knew that. So, I guess, don’t really expect more updates past this one today, because I’m going to be going straight from practice to class to home to hanging out to sleeping. Apologising for this, it never feels good to slack on the liveblog, but I shot myself so hard in the foot today by just waking late. I even was conscious at nine, but I also consciously chose to fall back asleep. I suck so much, I’m really not good. Need to work on myself a lot. Okay this is getting somber and I’m not trying to sound or feel melancholic or somber, going to “leave it at that” for today, I love you

#liveblog #blog #writing

31 october 2018

11:49: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! LET’S GET THIS BREAD!! I’M OUT OF BED!! I GOT UP!! I’M UP I’M UP I’M UP!! Hah this is no cause for celebration, if you’re getting out of bed at 11:49 and considering it an accomplishment you probably got some issues… like… I… might…

Okay I had MORE NIGHTMARES last night??? What gives??? I feel like it’s just a period of my life, it’s not because of any reason, maybe it’s the ~~~spooky~~~ atmosphere right now surrounding Halloween, and at least, like, the nightmares don’t wake me up until morning anyways, but it’s not the most pleasant way to wake up, being like, oh wow, thanks, mind, you did it again, didn’t you, you big trickster, you made me feel really scared/distraught again, wow, thanks so much. To be honest I’ve been awake for a bit already, I just didn’t want to get out of bed, so I just stared at things on my phone. Not the best way to start the day, but I’m going to make some G Fuel, brush my teeth, you know, the usual, take out the garbage, head to school. Don’t have anything until my work shift at 19h, though I’ll also go to the protest to change the Redmen name for McGill’s men’s sports teams at 14h. Still, that gives me a lot of time to practice, which I haven’t done for three days now??? That’s really egregious, now that midterms are over I have to go “full force” to prep for prescreening recordings. At least this is something I’m experienced in, like, I’ve done this so many times, it’ll be okay, I know how to practice, it’s just I need to start waking earlier again. It was going so well for a bit and I just regressed, I guess…

Don’t want to make salad or anything and I don’t have any breakfast foods besides oatmeal and I don’t really want to make oatmeal either, so I guess it’ll just be a G Fuel breakfast? Maybe I’ll finally get that sausage muffin sandwich from Tim Horton’s I was talking about a few days ago, and a coffee, or something. Feeling a lot groggier than I did yesterday, but also feels like I have some momentum today that I didn’t yesterday? Going to try and carry this through, today will be a simple schedule: -go to mclennan, do first liveblog update of the day -go to protest -go to tim horton’s for coffee and sausage biscuit sandwich -go practice -go to work -grab beer after work on way home -drink beer at home while reading things and “surfing the ‘net”

Not feeling very social so probably won’t go to any Halloween parties tonight, I think. Halloween is one of my favourite holidays, but I’m feeling pretty introverted today, not in a like negative or detracting or bad or unwanted way.

12:44: “Plopped down” at computer. Have a bit over an hour before protest starts to slam out a liveblog update, will probably use the rest of the time to continue reading Almost Transparent Blue in French. Oh, OH I didn’t tell you something really strange!! So after I got home with the French translation of Almost Transparent Blue I started just skimming through it, finding specific scenes I wanted to read, and flipped to the end of the book to read the letter, and was like, “wait, why is the French letter so much longer than the English one?” So I start reading and I’m like, holy crap, the English translation has completely removed this first paragraph, where Ryu is talking about if Lilly recognizes the photograph on the cover of the book, if she remembers when he took the photo? And he’s like, “I specifically requested this be used as the cover because the entire time I was writing this book I was picturing your face.” So, okay, yes, the French edition does have a photograph of a Japanese punk-looking woman on it, but on further investigation, looking at the photo copyright, I’m really skeptical that it’s the actual photo of Lilly, because the copyright of the photo isn’t for Ryu, it’s for a Marc Gantier. So, okay, fine, not the actual photo, that makes sense, protect her privacy, but then why do all the English editions omit this paragraph??? What was the rationale behind this??? It’s such an integral and important paragraph and I had NO IDEA it existed for SO LONG until this moment!! Is the paragraph removed from other translations, too??? Also, like, from Googling, I can’t seem to find any original Japanese edition which features any photograph of any woman on the cover, so it seems that despite the letter in the back, no edition ever had the real photo, so even if it was removed for privacy reasons, why doesn’t the English edition include this paragraph, and just append a footnote being like, “the reason why the cover doesn’t feature Lilly is for privacy”????? It made me genuinely angry, like, you can’t go removing entire paragraphs when translating a text…

Okay okay rant over, rant over, I promise. Going to “throw some tunes on,” then do some more Bleu presque transparent reading, excited to find any more differences, also excited to take this Timmie biscuit to the face.

13:41: Hey look, I made a monologue script of someone trying to place an order at a fast food establishment, check it out look at this hahahahah:

“oh hey, sorry, yeah, let me just get a uhhhhh, hold on, just a second haha, i'm sorry, uh--

yeah, yeah, okay, uhm,

n-no no it's okay you can go before me it's fine it's fine, really, i'm still deciding, i'm jus—

oh okay yeah, if you're sure, yeah, okay, hahah, sorry, let me get uh,

just ah, uhh, yeah, okay, i'll just have,

shoot, i'm really sorry i'm really sorry i just, hah, i can't uh decide between these two, uh,

do you have a favourite? do you have a favourite, like, menu item? like, is, uhh, i don't know, is, that one better, or this one? i'm really indecisive hahaha, i'm really sorry for taking so long, yeah, okay, uhh, sure sure, yes haha i'll just get the uhhmm,

okay, okay, yes, i'll have, uhhhh...

hey are you sure you don't want to go before me? i mean like are you in a rush or anything? no? okay, okay, sure, so i'll just get then the uhh, shoot, i just lost what i was looking at haha hah uhh shoot shoot shoot, lemme just find it again i was just looking at it,

OH okay GOT IT yes okay yeah i'll have that one? sorry i can't read the number is it a three?? my vision is pretty bad hahah yeah, what? what? sorry hahaha i can't understand you, what did you say? the-- oh, oh, no, that's not the one i actually wanted, no no, i'm sorry, no no it's not your fault really it's totally all me, it's my bad, no i wanted the uhhh, the uh shoot i can't even read the name, i'm really sorry about all this, just, just get me the uhh

sorry, i'm so sorry, sorry, i must be like out of practice i guess heheh am i right? sorry sorry you're right okay i'll be serious now, i'm holding up the line, i'm so sorry for doing this, i just don't know what kind of mood i'm in, i don't know which meal to get, let me just uhhhhh, maybe i'll just go with a classic, uh, so, like, uhhhmm, yeah-- okay, yes, yeah, how about the uhhh, shoot hold on i'm getting a phone call--

yes? YES? i'm sorry, i can't hear you. no, CAN'T HEAR YOU. can you call back later? no no, i said, can you call back LATER? can you- can you just-- okay, i'm hanging up, i have to go, i, okay, bye. BYE!

--oh gosh sorry, okay, where was i? did i order yet? did you get my order? oh jeez i guess i haven't even given you the order yet, wow, sorry, i spaced out so hard just now, that was my mother, she must be driving under a tunnel or something, i could barely make out what she was saying!! okay, yeah, yeesh there's just so many options, okay, yes, so let me get uhhhh

i know, i know, i'm sorry i don't want me to be doing this either, i just don't know what to get, i just can't, can, could you just order whatever you want for me? i'll pay for it, i'll pay, here, here's my credit card, just place whatever order you want. oh gosh no no please i don't need to speak to your manager, i know it's against policy and you can't legally do it but please, just please, i really don't want to keep standing here, i don't even know if i'm hungry anymore, i just, i just want any meal, really, i won't tell your manager you placed the order, okay? it's-

i'm sorry sir, i told you you could have gone before me if you wanted, do you, do-- oh, oh, okay, uh okay yes i'll just finish my order then, you're right, i'm almost there, yeah, i don't want to have to start over, so let me just, let me just check my bank balance, okay? i just need to check my balance and make sure i have enough to pay for the meal i want, hold on, let me just log into my banking app real quick. this will only take a second, i promise, just, wait, just hold on, please, please, uhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh... shoot shoot shoot i'm forgetting my password and now i'm forgetting my recovery questions' answers, oh god, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, hold on, hold on”

Oh man I feel like I could just continue doing this forever, like at least for an hour straight, like this could just turn into a novel, just an entire novel of someone stuttering and feeling embarrassed and not knowing what to order and just circularly maneuvering around it unintentionally like hahahah I really like this idea.

This isn’t what I’ve been working on I promise this isn’t the “impetus of a new short story” I was talking about but like COME ON hahahah let me, LET ME WRITE THIS just LET ME WRITE about this poor person who CAN’T ORDER hahahaha

Genuinely forget who told me this, this was a really funny story, but I can’t remember who told me… Hold on, wait, going to see if I can will this memory back into existence, wait, just a second… Uhhh… DAMN no it’s impossible, I’m ~90% sure it was one of my guy friends but this was a while back, but the story was, HERE LET ME TELL YOU: he had a friend who had a thing where he would practice and every time he went to Taco Bell he would say his order as quickly as he could, and the result was one of the funniest things ever because he got so good at it that he could just spew out the order and completely flabbergast the cashier and everyone around him and then everyone would just start laughing hysterically as they asked him to repeat the order.

What’s, like, the most egregious food you could eat in a library? What could you just “bring out” and shove in your face, what consumption could you take to your face that would just throw people? Like I’m talking, It’s Always Sunny, Charlie Kelly eating spaghetti out of a ziplock bag levels of ridiculous. I WANT TO KNOW, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Going to think about this as the day goes on, want to make this fantasy YOUR REALITY. Can’t be something smelly or something that would offend people, needs to just be something funny that I can bring out and put away easily if someone asks me to stop eating. Hm. Tricky. Very tricky.

What am I even doing right now hahahah

14:45: Wrote “let’s get this bread” in my timesheet document to denote that I’m starting to practice piano now, does that make sense? Do you understand? I AM STARTING TO PRACTICE PIANO. I have my sausage biscuit from Tim Horton’s, I have my medium coffee, I’m READY TO GO. Visited Poppy for a bit in her practice room, had a nice chat, went to my practice room, took that biscuit to the face, drank all of the coffee, let’s practice let’s get some feeling back in my fingers before they fall off completely.

18:02: Guess where I am.

No, you have to guess.

You probably got it right, yeah, I’m in a library, wow, quelle surprise. The MUSIC library, to be specific, because my shift is in Tanna tonight, same building. I’m still feeling groggy, but I practiced really well, it was three solid hours without looking at my phone and only one practice break which lasted ten minutes. Feeling good about that, that’s a good way to get “back on the bus,” dangerous to immediately shoot back up to five-six hour average, start with three, tomorrow inch it to four, and then it’ll be practically back to where it was. Definitely did feel awkward and clumsy at the keys, though, it’s amazing that even three days without touching a piano but still thinking about the music constantly can degrade ability so much, like, decades of work just undone in a few days?? There’s a quotation from Arthur Rubinstein, gonna paraphrase it, it’s like, “if I don’t practice for a day, I notice, if I don’t practice for two, the critics notice, if I don’t practice for three, the audience notices.” Feels so accurate.

“Looking forward” to tomorrow, when I know the instant I touch the piano it’s going to feel so much more fluent again than whatever the hell happened today. I didn’t even sound that bad, I think, it just felt so off, like if you sat down to type on a computer keyboard and the keys were all in the same position, but the keys were, like, all shaped like trapezoids. Can’t complain, though, the practice session could have gone a LOT WORSE, like, maybe it’s because I’m feeling the pressure but it was scandalously easy to not lose focus, was very engaged in just trying to improve my playing the entire time, barely lost concentration for a minute.

During my practice break I went outside and someone in a full-body Pikachu costume was just walking down the street, and I was laughing so hard, and then they started turning towards the music building and in my head was like “yes yes yes” and then they started coming up the stairs and my head started going “yes YES YES YESYESYESYES” and then I asked them if I could take a photo with them and then my head was all “OOOOOOHMYGODYESYESYESYESYES.” I have no idea who the “person behind the mask” is but I love them and I wish them all the best.

Now got a bit under an hour before my shift starts. Not feeling like reading more Bleu presque transparent right now, been really receptive of late that it’s probably bad for mental health if literally all the music I listen to is depressing and everything I’m reading is depressing, feels like, no matter how mentally healthy you are, if all you’re consuming is dark, you just have to be affected, so, like, okay, right now I’m listening to KROY, which is still melancholic, I should change the album, yeesh, one sec--

GOD IT’S BEEN LIKE SIX MINUTES and I’ve been scrolling through my massive music library and I just DON’T KNOW what else to play, I don’t want to stop playing this album, why do I only listen to depressing albums why am I so drawn to sad music, guh, okay, need to make a decision, give me another minute--

OKAY I did it, changed to a really really old playlist I made back in high school called “Music for Excessive Yelling.” Used to neurotically make these massive intricate playlists for every occasion, like, “Riding in a Taxi” or “Walking on the Sidewalk” or “Sitting in a Cafe” or “Using the Bathroom.” Remember I used to walk around campus some days when I was particularly manic and blast this playlist with my friends via Bluetooth speaker. Can’t believe no teachers ever asked us to stop, like, these songs are pretty explicit…

I can “get down” with this again, I can write/read while listening to happy music, I can do this??? Okay I know I’m someone who’s really really really affected by music, case in point I already feel a definitive mood lift, it’s like my brain just went ALRIGHT LET’S MAKE THIS DOPAMINE HE FINALLY STOPPED BLASTING BELL WITCH wow this is great!! Man I have to revamp the music on my iPod and put some of these “bangers” back on it, gotta start walking around again dancing to fun music, not melancholic music.

18:27: Going to idly browse the internet, I think, read up on some news and reviews and whatnot until work starts. Will probably continue reading Disaster Artist on my shift. Crap, looking at the program for the concert, looks like I might be doing a little more than, wait, no, I spoke too soon, it’s a jazz guitar ensemble concert, so I’ll probably just open the door to let them out, open the door to let them backstage, and then strike the stage?? Okay, will probably be a pretty chill shift then, it should be over at 22h, then I can “self medicate” at home, not gonna get drunk or anything but it’s Halloween, I can have a few beers “guilt free” right, even though it’s a Wednesday??

Feel like the week is all uphill from this point on, tomorrow Jasleen and Astoria and I think Michael and Phoebe are coming over to my place (for once) to hang out/idly watch a movie/help people dye their hair or do stick-and-pokes or cut their hair. Made plans with A to meet up on Friday too at an undesignated time and location, got that to “look forward to” too. This week was a struggle but I think it’s going to end on a high note?? As long as I keep putting in effort, today was good, I “did good” today, I think, just need to continue practicing hard tomorrow. Feels good that I don’t have to worry about studying for a few days before I start catching up before finals slams my face into the concrete.

Highly recommend blasting this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1hTaEBR5dg

18:41: Reading up on the “usual slew” of music publications, trying to discover some new releases that are positive, thought the new Weakened Friends album sounded intriguing, I haven’t consistently listened to indie/alt rock in so long, and I heard their singer is spectacular. Pulled up some singles and WOW I LOVE IT, they’re even coming to Montreal in early November?? I love when I just discover a band and then they just happen to be coming to Montreal, one of the best feelings. Also one of the best feelings: discovering new band and finding yourself getting absolutely engrossed in their lore/history/every song they’ve ever released and then just for days/weeks on end you are just listening to them CONSTANTLY and deriving like consistent amazing pleasure from it.

LIKE LISTEN TO THIS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blxyr3tUBfQ

How can u not love it wow it like evokes a distinct smell and sensation and like FEELING that’s enveloping my body, it’s such an identifiable feeling but I can’t describe it, it’s like, walking home from the school bus stop in middle school after saying bye to your friends and stepping off the bus and it’s autumn and you’ve got your old white iPod headphones in that aren’t those newer earpods and they’re plugged into your cracked screen iPod nano and you’re thinking about your crush that you haven’t spoken to but have exchanged fleeting glances with for a weeks on end, and that crush lives in your neighbourhood just a few houses down, and there’s leaves that have almost completely blanketed the sidewalk and road and it hasn’t rained in a while so they’re real crisp and you can feel things crunching with each step, and you’ve got your hands in your pockets, and it’s a friday and you’re about to go drink some pop and play a bunch of video games until your parents come home from work, and later in the day you’re going to get one of your parents to drive you to a friend’s house to watch a movie and eat a bunch of junk food and you know your crush is going too, and so you’re trying not to fixate on that fact but of course it’s impossible, so you’re just completely enthralled and excited and trying to put the thought out of your mind because waiting just a few hours is unbearable, and the sun is not exactly setting and it’s not yet cold enough to have more than just a hoodie on, and so you’re just walking along the road kicking at stones fantasizing about your crush, BUT BUT

BUT it’s not JUST this feeling directly, it’s like, you’re REMINISCING about this feeling.

THERE, THAT’S exactly how this song makes me feel, I hope you understand, feel like this is a pretty universally empathizable feeling for a lot of people that grew up in the suburbs??????

Feel like I’m dancing way too aggressively in the library rn, but totally am not going to stop wow I wish I could sync my iPod with the school computers so I can throw this album on and listen to it on my walk home… Sad I won’t be able to do this UGH

19:09: Y’all don’t even know how gregarious I was just now, I made the BEST conversation with the ushers and stage manager tonight I’m just riding an emotional high that’s getting more and more positive. I was just flinging out good conversation left and right and left and right, it was ceaseless, I was like an air conditioning unit blowing charisma. Realizing now this is probably the least charismatic way of describing what just happened but I’m over it. Okay gonna “crack open” Disaster Artist now and have some humorous casual reading, wish me luck!!!

20:06: Okay concert has started. Should be very casual affair, finding myself enjoying this jazz. IT’s nice just to sit backstage and “vibe out” to stuff like this, enjoying the book too, they match up nicely. Feeling real “mellow,” like a nice cup of hot chocolate.

21:03: Onto the second half of the concert now. Feeling a little low in energy, but very excited to get home so I can listen to the rest of that Weakened Friends album. Feeling kind of impatient for this concert to end, I appreciate it but I have a hunch that I’m going to go over the 22h that my shift is actually supposed to end at. Not that it matters very much, I shouldn’t be complaining about this or anything, it’s really petty, but I’d just like to not be backstage anymore. Want to “taste the outside air” or something, just be back in my apartment in my own space. At least the book is entertaining, yeah, yeah, and I’m glad I don’t have to stress about completing any assignment or studying anymore tonight. That’s such a strange feeling, wow, been a few weeks since this... has been the case...

Guitar players on stage really struggling with their pedals and amp setup, they haven’t started playing yet, seems like they’ve finally figured it out. Imagining myself going out there flailing my arms around and shouting, “efficiency is our number one priority, guys.”

21:20: Wow okay this second half is so much better than the first, it’s with a different ensemble wow they’re great, I’m jamming out back here, no longer anxious for the concert to end, really “enjoying myself”

Thank you god or whatever gods or the universe for today like it feels like a microcosm or synecdoche of the week, like it started rough but has been getting better and better, and so has the week, and I’m really feeling grateful for whatever forces are at play that’s making it so, just “throwing this out there,” just “getting it out there”

22:00: Okay yeah I’m not getting out of here for a while longer... These guys are totally running over time as planned. Now I’m slightly annoyed, god, it’s not hard to plan out and time a concert... Also stressing about applications, going to send out e-mails for recommendation letters tomorrow and really think hard about the list of schools to apply to. God I hate this process I know everyone does but really really not looking forward to all this.

#liveblog #blog #writing

30 october 2018

12:40: At work right now, called in for an emergency shift. Will head to Tim Hortons for large coffee and possibly a biscuit sandwich of some sort, probably with sausage, the kind I always loved, and my older sister, from McDonald’s, that we’d get on early morning pit stops on family road trips? I miss those, as uh, contentious as they always were. Have to sort-of “focus” on this work shift, so I don’t have enough time to really write a huge update, but I’m going to right after getting caffeinated and eating and then going to McLennan. I actually have another shift starting at 18h30 tonight until 21h30, too, but I’ll have adequate time in between to be able to really do a good update. The past couple of days have been “an absolute whirlwind,” as people say, they do say that, right? Like, that’s something people say, right?

See you soon, I’m sorry for the two day’s worth of blank liveblog, it doesn’t feel good at all. OH ALSO I’ve had some sentences running through my head and some concepts and I’m feeling another short story coming along!! This has been the longest dry spell since putting out short stories in my entire life, like, just zero writing output at all, save for when I started this liveblog. It’s been weird, I’ve never experienced that… Guess everything goes in phases??

14:26: GOT COFFEE. SEATED IN MCLENNAN. TO MY LEFT: BEAT UP COPY OF “ALMOST TRANSPARENT BLUE.” ALSO TO MY LEFT: GREEN IPOD NANO, 3RD GENERATION, AND CELL PHONE, WHITE PIXEL 2. AND, AGAIN, TO MY LEFT: CUP OF FILTRE COFFEE FROM DISPATCH, ONE OF THE PLACES ON CAMPUS YOU CAN GET COFFEE. Y’all already know what that means, it’s time for LIVEBLOGGING. Just took my first sip of the coffee. Got that classic Dispatch sharpness, a little prick, a wee little prick, from a soft needle, or something. Jesus there’s no way I’m going to be able to go into yesterday or the day before in any amount of detail, also that my mind feels shot right now and utterly incapable of remembering anything above a certain level of resolution. I’ll try to, this is going to be one of those “mega updates” without timestamps but I don’t know the format of this one, I’m feeling kind of reckless today, hehe, feeling a little “reckless” if you know what I am saying.

LET’S TALLY UP TODAY’S EXPERIENCE POINTS: -30 exp., woke after more nightmares, only, unlike yesterday, when they were several nightmares strung one after another, this time, it was one very long, unending narrative nightmare. don’t remember many details, do remember that i woke up when the people who were trying to kill me finally did kill me, in the end it was via chainsaw, i remember trying to fight them off and the chainsaw digging into my arm, and then i woke up sweating.

-10 exp., did not eat breakfast, but did pack two bananas, so, not the worst that could happen.

+5 exp., boss texted me saying they really badly needed someone to come in to fill a shift and nobody was available, i responded i was, quickly “jumped” out of bed to get ready

+5 exp., before leaving, responded to a bunch of work-related e-mails i told myself i’d respond to “when i woke up” last night, also, added all work shifts to planner

+1 exp., decided against getting energy drink, which i had the previous two days. feel like those had definitive net-negative impact on each of the days, in a way which was extremely unpleasant. feel like they might have led, directly, even, to the nightmare nights these past two nights.

-1 exp., accidentally half-closed stage door on the page turner as she walked out on stage during work shift. was not a big deal but i hate even the tiniest screw ups that i do.

+15 exp., Astoria sent Facebook message while at work to group chat with friends, asking if anyone was on campus. replied that i was, she asked if i could go to a building and pick up a notebook she had left there. agreed to do it, feeling really excited, motivated, “pumped” to do so, doing things for people you care about, however menial, is, like, to me, one of the most fulfilling things ever, doesn’t matter what the chore is it just has the ability to make a day feel completely fulfilled and satisfactory. went to grab notebook immediately after work, brought it to Jasleen who was working at the Burnside Soup Cafe so she could bring it back home to Astoria later, since they are roommates. thought, “mission accomplished,” and imagined my experience bar filling up a bit. i still think i’m around level seven, or eight, maybe, out of a level-80 cap, or something. have a lot to learn. feel like i spent ~99% of my life in levels one and two, and only in the past year and a half have i actually successfully and exponentially accrued good amounts of experience. long way to go.

I think that’s it for the experience points of the day, after all that I just got my coffee and I’m now here at the computer. My plan for the rest of the day is to do this liveblog update, reread more from Almost Transparent Blue, and intermittently do some writing of my own. Feel really good, can always tell when a new story is “bubbling” because it’ll feel like dictation. Feel like that’s the only way I can produce writing that I don’t immediately hate and want to delete, is when it doesn’t feel like I’m writing it at all. Same with piano playing, when something clicks and thoughts come “out of nowhere.”

So, like, yesterday, I did my final midterm in my stats course, that I was minimally prepared for. I don’t even know if I passed that midterm, I really let myself down this semester so far. I still have enough time to catch up, is the good thing, but I flubbed this round of midterms harder than I ever have in my life. The past two days just felt like one massive paint smear, in the worst possible way. I couldn’t do liveblog updates, I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling at any given moment, it was just pure stress and dissociation. I mean, I’m glad midterms are over, but now I have to re-memorize all my audition repertoire, get that recorded, fill out all my applications, get all my recommendation letters in order, send out all my apps before 1 December, and then right after that I have to worry about finals? And also I’m taking the GREs on Friday???? I don’t know, feeling the stress “pile up,” but I’m, today, feeling a lot better than yesterday or the day before. I have no idea why, but things feel feasible, I’m feeling motivated to “be good to myself.”

Feel strongly that this has something to do with meeting new person, mentioned them previously on liveblog. For sake of not just continuing to say “person I went to get drinks with” or something, feel like a nickname is needed? What’s, like, what’s vague enough that it protects privacy but also not contrived… Why am I worrying if it’s contrived? That’s okay, right? Contrived is okay, this is just my liveblog, uh, uh, what about just A? A is nice, first letter of the alphabet, easy to differentiate, meets all criteria. Don’t want to “get into” anything, feel like that’s a breach of privacy, and just doesn’t really have a place in a project where I’m just trying to liveblog what I’m doing, really hate the idea of infringing on anyone’s privacy, have specifically, very specifically and systematically avoided talking about anything I feel would breach anyone’s privacy. But feel very enamoured by A, in a way that makes me want to “do things” to improve myself as a person? This makes sense, I’m sure you all know what I mean, right? Like, when you really like someone so you want to be a better person too, because they’re such a good person that they motivate you to be a better person?

So yeah, have “so much” on my plate right now, like a ridiculous amount, more than I’ve ever had, but feel very good about it, “relishing” it, like, “I can do this, I got this.”

Christ I’m trying to think if there was anything “noteworthy or mentionable” that happened yesterday or the day before that I can put into this post??? Really it was just, like, I tried to study all day, and that was it… And I took the midterm… Really boring, really boring stuff. Did meet with [redacted] for quick quick lunch-and-talk yesterday before midterm, have brought this up before but want to reiterate that I’m really grateful we can interact purely as friends and speak openly with each other in a way that’s free of pretense or anything, like, “behind the curtain”? Does that make sense? It’s good that we continued to communicate, I think, and that things have organically reached such a mutually comfortable point.

Can use this time to talk about something I’ve been rereading a lot, I know I’ve recommended it, like, a bunch of times via my Instagram story feed, and to people in person a lot, but I don’t think I’ve ever written about it? Like I write about Knausgaard and Tao Lin and Lorrie Moore a lot but I don’t usually mention Almost Transparent Blue. It’s this autobiographical novel by Ryu Murakami, the lesser-known Murakami with no relation to Haruki. And, to be honest, I don’t really enjoy Haruki’s writing??? Please don’t punch me. But Almost Transparent Blue presents a series of vignettes of a group of youth in Japan, including the author, as they take insane amounts of drugs, have depraved acts of sex, and attempt to float through existence. I’m pulling up the Wikipedia synopsis, hold on, yeah okay here’s what Wikipedia says: “The near-plotless story weaves a vividly raw, image-intensive journey through the daily monotony of drug-induced hallucinations, vicious acts of violence, overdoses, suicide, and group sex.” This always sounds a lot like Taipei to people I describe it too, and like, the concept sounds similar, but it’s written entirely differently, the two novels are really, really different. Almost Transparent Blue, to me, evokes sensory responses in such a direct way that I’m always, like, pensive, or trepidatious to ever revisit it, because it made me feel such a specific and targeted way that wasn’t exactly the most pleasant of sensations.

Still, like, the writing is so amazing, and I’m so connected to parts of the book that I can’t help but reread it, which I’ve been doing a lot of these past few days. The McGill library here has the French translation of it, too, I’m going to check that out today and see what that’s like. I recently bought a French translation of the first book of Knausgaard’s My Struggle, which interestingly is titled in the French edition “Death of a Father,” whereas in some English editions it’s titled “A Death in the Family,” though still all of the My Struggle’s really should just be Volume 1, Volume 2, etc. etc. but I found that interesting already.

15:08 right now. Going to end this mega update and “return to” timestamped updates, but I’m feeling good that we’re “back on track” now. Feel like I have to use the bathroom soon but I don’t want to leave this workstation, going to see how much reading I can get through, and how much writing. I’m feeling more first person, really been in a “first person” mood of late. Almost finished with the coffee, wish I had more of that too, but I shouldn’t be having more caffeine anyways, I know, especially after the seemingly negative effects of the energy drinks. Okay I’ll talk to you soon, I love you!!!!

15:50: On page 57 of rereading this thing again. Have been just flitting between scenes of it, picking and choosing, but made the decision to “buckle down” and just read it cover-to-cover again. Am once again reminded of how engrossing the book is, and also disquieting. I don’t want to say, like, dark, or disturbing, or something like that, because that seems a little melodramatic, it’s more of something unnerving, like, it’s not like driving and passing a billboard that has a bunch of graphic stuff on it, not that there isn’t a lot of graphic stuff in the novel, it’s more of like, when you’re driving fast and then see something in your periphery and you’re not really sure of what, exactly it is, and it looked pretty disturbing, like some particularly gruesome roadkill, but you have a pretty good idea of it, and the thought doesn’t leave your mind, and even though you’ll never receive confirmation/contradiction of what it is, your conception of what you saw is so strong that you convince yourself of what you actually saw, and then that molds into a concrete memory and you’re never sure of the validity of it.

I have no idea whether or not that description made any sense hahahah. Going to finish off the book, I think, before heading to class, also feel the need to use the bathroom increasing a lot, but feel like I can “make it”? Really don’t want to have to stand up and “relocate,” feel good about where I am right now. Listening to dark ambient, like Ambient 4: On Land from Brian Eno and The Cancelled Earth from Cities Last Broadcast while reading. Not as effective atmosphere as Bell Witch, though; sent a Snapchat of one of the pages of the novel to my best friend Chris while Bell Witch was playing in the background and he replied something to the effect of, “the music makes it even better.” Going to switch to Bell Witch now, Mirror Reaper. Been blasting that album while walking around all day.

OH CHRIST ACTUALLY wow I thought my class started later than it did!!! I have class right now okay hmmm… Okay not going to skip this lecture, can’t keep skipping lectures even if I have better things to do like continue reading this, okay going to use bathroom and run to class now oops hhahahah

16:18: Got to class. Saw the topic on the board. Was like, “okay, this is minimally relevant, I can learn this on my own.” Went back to McLennan. Main floor now, not Cybertheque. Wasted fifteen minutes but hey, literally cannot step away from the book now, and also from writing. Feel “in the zone,” this is a lot more important than one lecture from a guest lecturer. Also went to fifth floor and got the French edition of Almost Transparent Blue, excited to start comparisons. Going to return to reading now, have a few sentences of how to start new piece floating around in my head that I feel okay about, not good yet, but, like, okay enough where they sound adequate as a “launching pad”? I really really detest that phrase, ugh, it looks so ugly, “springboard” is no better Jesus Christ. Giving up on finding a good synonym for it now.

18:06: Finished rereading Almost Transparent Blue. Crying again now. Don’t really want to say anything about it to be honest.

(Side note: it’s probably not a good idea to read this book while listening to Mirror Reaper, but it provided such a perfect soundtrack. There were so many moments where I reached a climax in a section of the book and there was a climax in the piece of music. Very serendipitous, like the universe really wanted to make me feel as distraught as possible.)

Going to go to the bathroom and “freshen up” before my work shift now. Work will end at 21:30, will see if I have enough stamina to practice any piano.

Feel really drained. Want to just cry for a really long time now.

#liveblog #blog #writing

29 october 2018

13:49: Liveblog update will come some time after 20h, when I finish my last midterm. Need to use all available time until then cramming because I’m quite behind. Please wait until then for the mega update!! I feel really dissociated today and I can’t wait to talk about it.

#liveblog #blog #writing

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