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[substance-d]

Jesus I hate this hormonal hell. I just booked a lab test again

[substance-d]

I don't want to die but I wouldn't be lying if I fantasized about it to punish people.

I feel like a lunatic because it's such an horrid thought and emotion to have. I wouldn't do it. I already cut off 2 friendships during this cycle. I feel insane. Part of me is 'You can't do that, you're having hormonal mood swings'. The other part is 'I'm so tired of my effort never being reciprocated'.

I'm selfish and egocentric but I wish they desire my affection and time as much as I wish theirs. I wish they begged for my time. But I can't force anybody to do anything they don't want to do and I wouldn't like it that way. No matter how angry I am, I need to accept that I can't change others and distance myself. It doesn't diminish my friendship for others, it just protects me from myself.

[substance-d]

The guilt is making me feel bad again. I can't hold onto my anger for long.

My parents are probably mentally ill or have traumas of their own, but I'm not responsible for any of it and their awful and toxic behaviour.

But I can't deny that they have been good at times. That's what makes it so hard to understand.

When love has always feel like a rollercoaster. When you hate and love the same person with the same intensity. When you feel the guilt of hating, when you remember the good and make excuses for the bad. Wanting to erase your thoughts and forgive because hatred isn't love. Ambivalence feels like torture. I wish I was sure of something.

[substance-d]

Now that I got some of pent up anger out. I have to write some positive things.

I feel grateful for having nice friends around me, and the opportunity to save money and think of my options. I'm sure there are many people that can't do that.

Also, I feel proud of myself for building some semblance of self worth. I come across as a bitch sometimes but that's only because I'm not used to say no without people not listening.

Each day I'm feeling more in tune with my emotions and desires. It's still a struggle to differentiate what other people want and what I want. But I'm getting there.

I still want validation and I want to be loved, but I can stop myself from doing the things I did before. I can give all that to myself.

[substance-d]

Now, I'm tired of you, filipino man.

You're self absorbed and you think I'm going to put up with your dumb sob stories. Get lost until you get your shit together with therapy or something. I'm not a healer. I want a man that can see outside his own feelings, not a burden.

You can't give me what I need, neither I can give it to you. So leave me alone. Because having you around is disrupting my peace, and I can't make you responsible for my happiness.

I don't have more empathy to give. You either fucking deliver something or gtf away so another guy has the chance to step up because he has BALLS.

I'd respect you if you told me you need time to process everything. Fine, it's all yours. But don't come here wanting me to mommy you into acceptance because you can't bear to be alone. Fuck you.

I don't care how much you earn and how much muscle you have if you're an entitled weak man. You might as well be invisible. Why do I want you for if I can't need you?

[substance-d]

I love my mother but I can't help feeling contempt for her. It makes me feel guilt at times but she's probably the cause I'm so fucked up about relationships. I can't never decide if I hate or love someone I'm attached. I'm the same way with her.

I'm self aware that I'm not the perfect daughter either, I'm ashamed I could never be that and she was always letting me know. Now I don't like her, I don't care about her validation. Her emotions are a joke to me, I just play along for the peace but part of me will always love her because she's my mother.

She has the self awareness of a 5 year old, she hit me and screamed during my whole childhood. Made a 8 year old beg for forgiveness and love whenever she was angry. She was the fucking adult. I find it so pathetic. No part of me now as an adult would feel good about treating a child that way.

Can't respect someone that loses their cool all the time with a child. A child having so much power over an adult is weak and pathetic. They can't fight back.

She never grew up from that and I just don't have the patience or love to care enough to safeguard her feelings, I don't treat her great either. It's not my fault she wants to control my life because she's unhappy with hers. Always whining and complaining about everything, she never learned the consequence of acting this way until now.

Woman made a girl learn about 'I feel' statements at 14 and those never even worked. I can't help feeling like she's an emotionally immature idiot. There are things I admire about her, but she always comparing myself to her has gotten old. I don't give a shit, I'm not my mother and don't want to be.

Then my father is a spineless man that always gives her the right to treat us like shit. Always prioritized her outbursts over a literal child's feelings. Slapping a 3 year old for not saying what he wanted to hear. I have been treated as having the capacity for adult emotions since I was born. No wonder I can't regulate myself at all. I didn't have a chance.

These two made me feel guilty for existing and feeling. Every cent spent on me, it has always come with strings attached. And I'm weak for using them as well.

I know I should gather the discipline and strength to get away but I'm so burned out, I feel so lost. I feel low on confidence but I want to try again. I want to prove myself that I can do it.

Seems so harsh, I love them but I also hate them.

[substance-d]

I feel like an ugly troll and I want to cry for no reason but my period is almost done. I can't concentrate.

[substance-d]

I don't know it's due to my period again but...

A few days ago I started talking to this guy, since we were both looking for friends. I found his personality very attentive and seems enthusiastic when talking to me. I love my friends, but I can't help but think how I wish they gave me what I crave. Attention and consideration like this guy.

I know they care but I can't feel it at all sometimes, I don't feel they need me. Obviously you shouldn't need people but I wonder why even bother having deep friendships. I also feel more protective of my friends, than they do of me.

Sometimes I fantasize someone grabbing my face telling me they enjoy spending time with me and that they want to travel with me or invite me to places. Not empty promises or letting me have all the responsibility if something goes wrong.

It seems easy to guess now why I fell in love with a dumbass before. I never feel special around those I care about, I feel starved of love and appreciation.

[substance-d]

i hate pms, and allergies and whatever this eczema thing is

[substance-d]

How do people know how others feel?

Idk, it just seems I always assume the worst. I feel like asking 'are you angry?'

It's particularly hard with my friend because he's too quiet when everybody is talking. I feel so uncomfortable because I think he's mad and I'm not sure why. He has explained to me that he's like that but then I notice other things, it's so ambiguous. So I have to accept it as fact because there's no way I can tell. I just pray it's not a trap.

It's like they should be extremely obvious they are ok, as in smiling. Because that's what I always do and if they don't, they are pissed off and my imagination runs wild.

Other people don't read too much into it, it seems like I'm always the one that's confused.

Something happened that screwed up my emotion radar, basically just guessing at this point.

[substance-d]

I have been doing exercise again and feel better about my body. I also bought a UX course that I hope I can finish and finally build a portfolio. Waiting for my Ipad to arrive and start drawing in a different way.

Yet as always, I'm my worst enemy. I self sabotage my relationships. I always regret talking honestly about my feelings to others instead of writing in this blog.

Hence I'm here, feeling dread that I did the wrong thing again. Preparing for the worst. I need this blog to sort my emotions because idk why I feel the way I feel most of the time.

I think to myself, maybe I'm overreacting but there must be something that made me react this way. Maybe they're right, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm not. Am I even dissapointed about this? or is this reaction due to another thing that happened?

I can see their perspective yet I feel mine is valid. I also think about telling them again what I think bothers me. But then I think what if they tell me all these things that I think they will probably say and then I regret everything because I made it worse.

I will just say I had a bad day and that I'm sorry again and be done with it.

[substance-d]

Well, I have great friends to be honest. Every time I have these weird thoughts, I wait and do nothing and all the crap my brain was telling me is proven wrong. But for some reason my mind just forgets at times.

I wonder if he reads my blog.

Also, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm on my exercise mat trying to take a nap (idk why) and my period is nowhere to be seen.

[substance-d]

Why did I decide to stay inside this weekend? I feel insane by myself, thinking all this crap. I could be doing whatever and thoughts haunt me.

[substance-d]

I'm writing this because I think sometimes I just don't know if my thoughts are legit. I feel bad because he asked if I overthought again. Makes me feel like a psycho, like I project all my flaws into him.

I haven't really fought with him or anything. I just keep all this to myself. He said we have never talked about this in person so we should. I sound like a dumbass when I speak about my feelings, I feel more eloquent in writing. What should I do?

Do I have trust issues or it's that time of the month?

I just get the most random weird thoughts that I can't get away sometimes. Thinking someone put a spyware on my computer years ago, or people are talking behind my back because of something I did, or thinking people are mad when they are not. I'm never quite sure if these were even real or false, I doubt a lot.

I try to think that it doesn't matter even if they were real, if I react to them I'd be a clown, and also... why would someone be so obsessed about me? I know these will fade though.

I feel weird labeling this as psychotic. I don't think I am, like I don't even think I'm close to it, I feel a bit of these are backed up by something I have seen... I have also thought that I might be bad at reading people but I'm also not sure either.

It's like being on the edge of insanity but not quite irrational to be THAT.

[substance-d]

I hate being kinda insane.

[substance-d]

I have been thinking a lot that I might need more friends. Like maybe it's my call to socialize more. Maybe I'm also bored.

If I talk to more people, I will feel less indebted to someone.

[substance-d]

This will sound like something dumb but I started reading about MBTI again with friends, but this time I got deeper into it. With the functions and all that stuff.

One of the friends that also got interested was not surprisingly INTJ. I'm an INFJ.

For some reason we get along better now, I misunderstood many things about him and he did the same with me.

Every disagreement we have had was somehow explained by these differences. Like me getting anxious when I can't read his face or me getting mad when he's skeptical of my personal advice to other people. He's also too prívate with his feelings, this unnerves people.

Also when he gets sad when he thinks I don't trust him to know something. Like me needing everything to make sense to me first feels like rejection to him.

We have another friend that is ISFP, and we are always trying to make him choose the best decisions. Because he doesn't like sticking to one option and doesn't really think long term. He also didn't care to dig much about MBTI.