The constant War
Lately things have been feeling okay. Not the greatest, but I couldn't complain. I still don't have my own place. since everything fell apart, and I don't have the things that made me truly happy with me anymore. The only thing that sheds some happiness in my current life is 'them'. Life would be dull, and almost empty without 'them' around, let alone by side.
Though things could be a lot of worse from where were I was before, I still find struggle within myself that allows me to be free. I am safe, secure, and all above else loved with whom I am surrounded by. I cant help but have my mind make me feel otherwise. The nights like this that shut me down is where it hits hard. Maybe not nearly as hard as they use to, but certainly still hard. Constantly questioning their true intentions with me, or if I am truly what they desire.
They tell me otherwise, but still I cant help but think that they're just waiting for me to leave. So, they don't have to carry the burden of getting rid of me, and hurting me.
Maybe I need to be more stern with how I feel and how they could do things to help. As soon as the opportunity arises, I say everything but what I really need from them. I am too afraid.
Though not all my nights are like this. Lately, things have been good, with lots of laughs and smiles shared all around. I love those moments. They make me feel normal. But, I am traumatized, I've been used, abused in different ways, and I come from anything but normal. The war that goes on in my head as been inbreeded into me, it had a hand to play with how I was raised.
Its hard to shake off what you've always known. But, I am trying and I wont let it continue to navigate my life.
Its just night like this that makes it hard to forget.