all the things you never said
AN: first ever fic hope you like it?? anyway this has been stuck in my head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you and Toji have a situation ship.Everyone in the frat basically knows it even if you two don't label it, he treats you like you're his....but refuses to call you anything real which confuses the hell out of you.
It all started out slow ,he was pulling away from you and acting like he had nothing to do with you. He'd leave you on delivered for hours sometimes days ,"sorry I was busy with frat and shit you know how it is." You didn't know.
You'd start noticing your 'place' in his life was optional. He only came back when it was convenient. Like a habit he hadn't fully quit.
"everyone will be there y/n please don't make me go alone." you hesitated unsure since you 'rarely' get out per shoko's words "I don't know you know how I feel about these."
Shoko was talking about the huge rager this weekend that everyone is going to.
if it weren't for Shoko dragging you out your room, practically shoving an outfit into your hands while complaining about how "never go out anymore," you would've stayed in. Again. Whats the worst that could happen right?
"You need to stop acting like a ghost,"she muttered, fixing your hair like she was trying to piece you back together."Its just a party."
You told yourself that the whole drive there.
Told yourself it wouldn't matter if he was there.
Told yourself you didn't care.
The music hit you first.Loud ,suffocating bodies packed to close together,the kind of place where everything blurred if you stayed long enough.
Shoko disappeared almost immediately leaving you standing there alone,already regretting it.
Across the room .slouched back like he owned the place.red solo cup hanging loosely from his hand-laughing.Like everything was normal.Like you didn't spend nights wondering where you stood with you.
Your chest tightened,but you forced yourself to look away.
Because the second time you looked,you noticed her.
At first it didn't register.Just another girl too close, too comfortable
And the your stomach dropped.
No,that wasn't just some girl.
That was your best friend.
Her hands on him like she'd been there before.Like she knew exactly where to touch.Moving against him like it wasn't new--like it was a routine.
His hands settled on her waist like they belonged there.
Like you had imagined everything.
Something in you went quiet.
Because suddenly,all those late night replies,all the distance,all the excuses---
They finally made sense, You were just another one of Toji Fushiguro's toys.
The room felt smaller all of a sudden.
You stare at Toji,waiting-- just for him to say something that fixes it.Something that explains why your stomach has been in knots for weeks, why your "best friend"is standing there like she didn't just rewrite the whole rules of your entire relationship.
He just looks at you.Calm.Too calm.
Like you're the one causing the problems.
"no," you say, voice sharper now,louder than you intended.Heads turn immediately."Dont do that.Dont act like I'm crazy for reacting right now."
Jessica your "best friend" shifts awkwardly, suddenly very interested in the floor.
Toji sighs. "Don't start here y/n."
That's what makes your hands start shaking.
"you don't get to sit there and tell me not to start." you continue ,stepping closer. pointing between him and her."Not when she is literally all over you.Not when you've been acting weird for weeks and then I come to this party to --this?"
A few people fully stop talking now.The party noise dulls into the background.
Shoko is off to the side finally realizing what is unfolding,"oh my gosh..." she muttered.
Toji finally straightens up fully.
"Say what you're mad about,"he says, voice low, controlled.
Like he is trying to keep you quiet.
Like you're trying to embarrass him.
Your laugh comes out in broken form.
"What I'm mad about? you repeat,"You cheated on me, That's what I'm mad about."
The awkward kind too which makes the situation worse.
Your best friend goes pale instantly.
Toji doesn't deny it.He drags his hand across his face in a almost stressful manner.
"We were never together."
"Oh my--" you shake your head, stepping back like you can physically get away from the words."Are you serious right now."
People are now gathered phones out, flash on.
Toji flicks his eyes to crowd--then towards you.
His face shows no emotion,no guilt,no apology just annoyance.
Then reality hits you like a bus. He wasn't trying to fix anything he was just trying to control the volume.
"So that's it?" you say."That's all I get? No explanation? No apology? For gosh sake you just had my "best friend" grinding on you and you have nothing to tell me."
"I mean what do you want to hear 'oh I'm so sorry please take me back' I mean get a grip you're insufferable."
Those are the words that lingered in your head as you pushed through the crowd shakily.You finally make it out the door,the cold breeze hits your face sharp enough to make your eyes sting.
For a second. you just stand there.
Breathing doesn't feel normal.Thinking doesn't feel normal.
Everything feels like its happening in slow motion.
You hear the bass through the walls.People laughing,life continuing like you didn't just fall apart in front of everyone.
And then it hits you--he really meant it.
Not the words exactly,but the message underneath them.
Don't expect me to come after you.
You swallow hard and wipe your face quickly, annoyed at yourself more than anything.You hate that you're crying here.Hate that he has a effect on you.
Footsteps sound behind you.
You didn't turn right away.
Scared if you do you may break again.
"You didn't have to run off like that," he says.
That makes something in you snap a little.
You finally turn,"run off?" your voice shakes,but you don't look away"you humiliated me in there."
He doesn't deny it. Of course he doesn't.
There's a pause.The wind is louder than both of you.
Then he runs a hand in his hair irradiated--but quieter now.
"I shouldn't have said it like that." he admits"But you did come in ready to blow up."
You let out a small laugh that's closer to disbelief.
"So I'm the problem now?"
"No, that's not what I said."
Silence stretches between you again, but this time its different , non sharp more...tired.
You look at him properly now,really look at him
Not the version of him you kept hoping would show up.Not the one you defended in your head.
And it hurts in a different way.
"I don't even know what we are anymore." you say finally breaking the silence.
He doesn't answer immediately.
That should tell you everything, but instead of leaving he just stands there, in the cold with you,
Finally he speaks---lower.
"we've been a mess for a while now."
Another pause,"I didn't mean for it to turn that way."
That doesn't fix anything.
But its the first honest thing Toji has probably ever told you.You nod slightly even if it hurts.
He looks back at you,something flickers in his expression---annoyance at first,then something quieter underneath it.Something he doesn't know how to hold "....yeah,"he says after a few seconds "okay."
You don't expect him to fight for you,but it still stings when he doesn't.
You back towards the sidewalk,wiping your face again before he can see it.
And just before you fully walk away, you hear him again---closer to under his breath than anything."Don't disappear on me." you stop for half a second, your heart twists painfully but you don't turn back not yet.
"I'm not disappearing," you say softly."I'm just choosing me for once."
And this time when you walk away.
And for once,Toji didn't try to force his way back in.
No late night texts,no showing up uninvited,no half-assed apologies just to ease his own guilt.
You started to fell like yourself again--like your life didn't revolve around waiting for him to decide what you were wearing that day.
And that's when he came back.
_______________________________________________________________
You were leaving a cafe,adjusting your bag on your shoulder when you saw him across the street.
Hands in his pockets.Watching you but not approaching.
Not like he had any right too.
But something in you--maybe closure,maybe curiosity--made you stop.
And this time ,when he walked over,it was slower.careful.Like he knew one wrong move and you'd disappear.
He stopped a few feet away.
Not touching you,not crowding you.
"You look different,"he said.
You raised your brow."that's your way of saying I look better without you?"
A small breath of laugh left him.
"yeah,"he admitted."something like that.
That alone threw you off.
No additude. No deflection.
Silence streatched for a second.
"I meesed it up."he said.
You crossed your arms slightly,not to close yourself off--but hold your ground.
"yeah," you said"you did."
He nodded like he expected nothing else.
"I'm not gonna sit here and try to explain it away," he added,"or act like it wasn't what it was."
You studied him carefully.
"Then why are you here?"you asked.
Because you needed to hear it.
Toji looked at you fully.
No walls.No sarcasm.Just him.
"Because I still want you," he said."But not like before."
Your heart stuttered--but you didn't let it show.
"and what does that even mean?"
"it means..."he paused,like he wasn't used to putting this into words."I don't want whatever we were doing before,the back and forth.The 'it doesn't matter'act".
"it mattered.You mattered.I just didn't act like it.
That hit harder than anything else he could've said.
You swallowed ,steadying yourself.
"And what makes you think I'd go back to that?"you asked quietly.
"I don't." he said immediately.
No hesitation,"that's why I'm asking you to."
"I'm asking if you'd be willing to start over," he corrected."For real this time."
No games.No pretending its nothing.
The silence between you wasn't painful anymore.
it was....heavy important.
You looked at him--really looked.And for the first time he wasn't trying to win,he was waiting.
"you don't get to hurt me like that again,"you said after a long sigh.His jaw tightened slightly,"I know.""I'm serious Toji."
"I know," he repeated,softer than before."and if I do--you walk.No arguments.No second chances."
You exhaled slowly.This wasn't the same as before, before you stayed because you were afraid to lose him.
Now? You'd be choosing him.And that made all the difference.
"...We don't go back to what we were,"you said.
"Good,"he replied immediately.
"Whatever pace you want."
"And you don't get to act like I don't matter."
Something in his expression changed softened even.
"I wont," he said. "not again."
another pause."Okay," you said.Just that.But it was everything.
He didn't pull you into him right away.
Didn't ruin it by moving too fast.He just stepped closer a little.carefully.
Like he was learning you all over again, when his hand brushed yours--it wasn't possessive,it wasn't careless.it was gentle.Like he finally understood what he lost.
And this time when you stood next to him it didn't feel like chaos.
It felt like you weren't the only one trying anymore.
tangentwithtanner
amandla
discoholicmusic
jimmyeatworldofficial
pixelskylines
theartofmadeline
areudirty
stormborns