daryl dixon keeps his distance, not because he doesn’t want her—but because he wants her too much. his inexperience eats at him, turning desire into avoidance, until she finally corners him and refuses to let insecurity win. hhat follows is raw, heated, and inevitable: a first time fueled by frustration, want, and the kind of hunger that’s been building for far too long.
c.w : sub! virgindaryl dixon (season 3). established relationship. female reader. oral sex. a gf with experience. crying during sex. raw sex. nsfw.
The supply container smelled of rusted metal and damp fabric. Daryl had come here to check the ammunition reserves, or at least that's what he told himself. But the truth was, he needed a moment away from her. Because every time their eyes met, something inside him twisted, something he didn't understand and that terrified him more than any walker. Daryl Dixon had never been afraid of anything. Not walkers, not bullets, not loneliness. But she was different.
Because she made him feel things he didn't understand. Things that shamed him.
Since they had started stealing kisses in secret—behind the watchtower, in the dark tunnels of the prison—something inside him had twisted. It wasn't just desire, although that was enough to keep him awake at night. It was the fact that, every time she touched him, every time their lips met, he knew he wanted more. And that "more" terrified him.
Every time he saw her, something inside him ignited, a fire he couldn't control. She was so fucking pretty that sometimes it hurt to look at her. Her hair, always a little messy, as if she had just woken up from a nap in the sun. Her eyes, dark and bright, that seemed to see through all his lies. That smile of hers, the one she only gave him when they thought no one was watching, the one that made him forget for a second that the world had gone to shit. And the best part? Daryl knew he was the only one who got that kind of smile, and god, he felt so damn lucky.
And when she kissed him... God, when she kissed him.
It was as if time stopped. Her lips were soft, but not timid. Daryl was much clumsier, almost feral, he kissed her with hunger, as if something or someone was rushing him, while she took all the time in the world to savor each kiss. Her lips knew exactly how to move against his, how to bite his lower lip just enough to drive him crazy, sometimes she even bit him so hard that she left small, open, bleeding wounds on them. Every time their bodies brushed against each other, even for just a second, he felt like he was drowning. Because yes, Daryl wasn't an idiot, he knew it had happened more than once: she was testing the waters, pushing her hips against him between kisses, taking his hands and guiding them to her crotch, she even sometimes tried to get inside his pants. Daryl would pull away the moment he felt overwhelmed. And it wasn't that he didn't want to, on the contrary.
He wanted more. He wanted it all. He wanted her hands on his skin, her breath against his neck, that low moan she made when he pushed her against the wall and kissed her as if the world were about to end (and maybe it was, but in that moment, only she existed).
But then the fear would come.
Because Daryl was a virgin.
He had never told anyone. Not Merle, who would have laughed in his face. Not Rick, who would have looked at him with that mix of pity and disappointment that Daryl couldn't stand. Not even Carol, who seemed to guess all his secrets just by looking at him. It was something he carried like a millstone, a weight that made him feel weak. A man like him, who had survived everything, who killed walkers without flinching, who wasn't afraid of anything... couldn't admit he didn't know how to make love. That he didn't know how to touch her without looking like an idiot. That he was afraid that, when it finally happened, she would notice his clumsiness and look at him with pity. Or worse: that she would laugh. So he avoided it. Not because he didn't desire her—fuck, how he desired her, Daryl desired her in every little gesture, in every touch that seemed casual but drove him mad. He wanted her more when she came up behind him in the kitchen and her ass brushed against his "by accident" as she reached for something on the shelf. It drove him crazy when she wore his t-shirt to sleep, with his smell mixed with hers, the worn fabric clinging to her body like a second skin. His mouth went dry every time she snuck into the showers after him, letting the steam and slippery soap be an excuse to brush against him, as if she didn't know the effect it had on him. It tortured him when she straddled him to clean his crossbow, her thighs pressed against his hips, pretending not to notice how his body reacted. He couldn't breathe when she leaned over him to look at a map, and her hair brushed his arm, or when her fingers tangled with his as he passed her a tool. He stiffened when she took off her boots by the fire, stretching her legs toward him, her bare feet touching his under the excuse of the cold. Every time she fastened her bra in front of him, without shame, as if she didn't know what it did to him to see that fabric tighten against her skin. His pulse raced when she rested her head on his lap to rest, her head against his chest, feeling her every breath, her every movement. He choked when she bit her lip while concentrating, or when she licked her fingers after eating, as if she knew exactly what it did to him. He felt like he was burning when she stood on her tiptoes to reach something, her body stretching against his, and he could feel the heat of her skin through their clothes. His mind clouded when she tied her hair up with a hair tie, raising her arms and revealing that strip of skin between her t-shirt and her jeans. And he almost lost control when she fell asleep next to him, and in her sleep, she cuddled against him, as if she couldn't help but seek his warmth. Every little touch, every brush, every glance brought him closer to the limit, until he could no longer escape what he felt.
The first kiss had been an accident.
Or at least, that's what he told himself.
It had been in the watchtower, one night when, by coincidence, they were both on patrol. She had approached, her body brushing against his, and before he could think, his lips were on hers. And it was like striking a match in the dark. Since then, they couldn't stop. They kissed where no one could see them: behind the containers, in the dark tunnels of the prison, once even in the woods, with the risk of a walker surprising them. Each time was more intense. Each time, their hands explored a little more, their breathing became more urgent, and Daryl felt he was going to lose control.
He wanted to undress her. He wanted to feel her skin against his, he wanted to know what she sounded like when she moaned just for him. He wanted to sink into her and forget everything else. But every time things got too hot, he would pull back.
His girlfriend's insistence on a hint of intimacy with Daryl seemed to never cease. Daryl sometimes thought she was too much for him, at least in that area. She always looked for the slightest excuse to get close, and that night was no exception.
She entered without a sound. She didn't say anything at first.
She just leaned against the closed door, watching him as he pretended to count bullets with a meticulousness he didn't need. His fingers, calloused and agile, trembled as he dropped a box of ammunition. The metallic sound echoed like a gunshot in the silence.
"Are you going to ignore me all night, Dixon?" she asked, her voice low but firm. Daryl closed his eyes. He was practically terrified.
He didn't answer. He couldn't. Because if he did, if he looked at her, if he breathed too deeply, everything would fall apart. Daryl could swear his lungs hurt for a few seconds, just from the way he had been holding his breath for so long. She took a step forward. Then another. She didn't touch him. She just watched him, with those dark eyes that seemed to see right through him.
“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks,” she said, crossing her arms.
Daryl clenched his jaw. His hands—always so steady on the crossbow—now didn’t know where to rest.
“I ain’t avoidin’ you.” he lied.
She simply raised an eyebrow. Daryl was a terrible liar.
“You lie badly, Dixon. You always have.”
And then, without warning, she took the final step that closed the space between them. She didn’t hug him. She didn’t kiss him. She only placed a hand on his chest, right where his heart was pounding like a cornered animal.
“Your body doesn’t lie,” she whispered. “Every time I get close, you hold your breath. Every time I look at you, your pupils dilate. Every time I breathe near you, you tremble.”
He backed away until his spine hit the shelf. The cans of food rattled.
Who the hell did she think she was, talking to him like that?
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about.” he growled, but his voice cracked, like the words had been ripped straight from his throat.
She didn’t step back. If anything, she moved closer, until she could feel the heat radiating off him, the quickened rhythm of his breathing.
“Of course you do.” Her fingers brushed the button of his jeans, not undoing it. “You’re scared, Daryl.”
“I ain’t scared of nothin’" he snapped, but the tremor in his hands betrayed him.
Of course he was scared. He was terrified.
“You’re lying,” she repeated, and this time her voice was a whisper against his ear. “You’re not scared of me. You’re scared of this.”
And then, with deliberate slowness, she lowered the zipper of his pants.
The sound of it sliding down felt like a sentence being passed.
Daryl squeezed his eyes shut, his breathing uneven, his knuckles white as he gripped the edge of the shelf. He didn’t stop her when her fingers—nimble and determined—slipped inside his jeans. He didn’t stop her when she pulled him out into the open, his cock hard and throbbing, thick and slightly curved upward, the skin taut and glossy under the dim light of the container. The head, a deep red bordering on purple, gleamed with a bead of arousal that slowly slid down the side. His pubic hair, lighter than the hair on his head but just as coarse, curled around the base, a sharp contrast against the softness of her fingers. He didn’t stop her when her hand closed around him, warm and firm, measuring his length with torturous slowness.
Because deep down, he wanted her to touch him. He wanted her to break him. He wanted her to force him to face the thing eating him alive from the inside—this desire that consumed him like a slow-burning fire. His veins, swollen and visible beneath the skin, pulsed in time with his racing heart, and when she dragged her thumb over the tip, spreading the clear fluid that had leaked out, Daryl swallowed a moan that came out more like an animal growl.
It was more than he’d imagined: the feel of her fingers, the perfect pressure, the way her hand fit around him like he’d been made for her. Shame and desire twisted together inside him, stealing his breath, but he didn’t look away. Not this time. He wanted to see everything—how her fingers explored every inch, how her thumb traced slow circles over the most sensitive spot, how his own breathing grew faster and shallower with every movement she made.
And when she tilted her head, her lips only inches from the tip, her hot breath making him shudder, Daryl knew he was lost. There was no going back. Not after this. Not after her.
“God,” she murmured, her voice trembling. “You’re shaking.”
Her tongue traced the contour of the head, exploring every fold, every swollen vein, before sinking lower, taking more of him into her mouth. Daryl growled, his fingers digging into the metal of the shelf hard enough that he felt the paint flake beneath his knuckles. The heat of her mouth was overwhelming, like she was consuming him from the inside out.
She didn’t rush. She took him with agonizing slowness, savoring every inch, her lips sealing tightly around him while her hand kept moving at the base, her fingers brushing the coarse hair at his pubis. When she reached his throat, she swallowed around him, and the sensation tore a gasp from his chest, his hips jerking forward before he could stop himself.
“Fuck...” he muttered, his voice broken, barely recognizable.
She looked up at him from below, her lips stretched around his thickness, her eyes bright and filled with a dark promise. Her tongue curled around the base of the head, applying just enough pressure to make him tremble, before pulling back to lick along the vein running down the side of his length. Every lick, every suction, every small moan vibrating from her throat pushed him closer to the edge.
“Don’t stop,” he begged, though he wasn’t sure if he’d said it out loud or only in his head.
But she had no intention of stopping. Her lips slid down again, taking more of him, her cheeks hollowing slightly as she sucked him with an intensity that left him breathless. Her teeth grazed his sensitive skin—just enough to send a sharp shiver up his spine—before her tongue soothed it with a long, slow stroke.
Daryl couldn’t think anymore. He could only feel: the wet heat of her mouth, the drag of her lips against his skin, the obscene sound of her breaths mixing with his. When she slipped one hand between her own legs, rubbing herself through the fabric of her pants, he knew she was just as aroused as he was.
Nothing came from Daryl’s mouth but ragged gasps and clumsy, muffled moans. Because when she began to move her hand—slow, relentless—something inside him cracked. Tears weren’t the first thing. It was a sound, a broken moan that tore from his throat before he could stop it. Then came the trembling, racing through his body like an electric current. And finally, the tears.
He didn’t cry like a child. There were no loud sobs, no tears spilling down his cheeks. It was worse than that. It was silence, broken only by the sound of his harsh breathing, the way his shoulders shook as if something inside him was coming apart. His blue eyes, bright and glassy, filled with water—but none of it fell. They just burned, as if the pain ran too deep to be released.
She looked at him, startled at first, then her expression softened.
“Daryl…” she whispered, but he shook his head, ashamed.
“Don’t… don’t do this,” he managed, his voice breaking. "I ain’t gonna last.”
She caught a drop with her thumb, tasting it before looking back at him.
“You’re being so loud,” she whispered against his skin. “You don’t have to be afraid with me, Daryl.”
And then, in one smooth motion, she stood and shoved him back against the wall, her legs wrapping around his hips.
“Look at me,” she demanded, gripping his face with one hand.
Daryl obeyed, his blue eyes watery and unfocused, filled with a mix of vulnerability and desire he’d never shown before. She didn’t let go of his face. Instead, her hands slid down to the waistband of her jeans, undoing them with quick, confident movements. The fabric fell to the floor with a soft whisper, revealing her pale, strong thighs, the dark, curly hair between them already damp and gleaming with arousal.
Without another word, she mounted him.
Her legs locked around his waist, her hands gripping his shoulders as she lifted herself, guiding him to her entrance with a confidence that stole his breath. Daryl felt her wet heat against the tip of his cock, and for a second, fear froze him in place. What if he did it wrong? What if he wasn’t enough?
But then she sank down onto him, taking him inside her in one slow, deliberate movement, her walls tightening around his length like a hot, silken fist. He didn’t even have time to overthink it.
“God,” Daryl moaned, his fingers digging into her hips, his nails leaving red marks on her skin.
She didn’t stop. She began to move on top of him, rising and falling in a rhythm that drove him insane, every thrust pushing him deeper, every moan she let slip straight into his ear. He could feel every part of her: the softness of her skin against the roughness of his hands, the way her breasts moved with each motion, the smell of sweat and arousal filling the space between them.
Daryl turned his face to the side, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt so exposed—he couldn’t look at her, not like this, he felt like he shouldn’t—but his gaze betrayed him, drifting back to the woman above him.
“Don’t look away,” she ordered, her nails biting into his shoulders as she picked up the pace.
Daryl couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. He saw her above him, her breasts bouncing slightly with each movement, her hair plastered to her damp forehead, her lips parted in a silent moan. He could feel her body wrapping around him, feel how every thrust dragged him closer to the edge, how pleasure tangled with something deeper—something he didn’t have a name for.
“I-I can’t take it anymore,” he growled, his hips lifting to meet her, each thrust more desperate than the last.
“Come for me, Daryl,” she whispered, and her voice was the trigger.
It wasn’t just the sound of her words, but the way her inner muscles clenched around him, like a silken fist dragging him straight to the edge. Daryl felt the heat coil at the base of his spine, every nerve in his body tightening like a drawn bow. His hips surged up in one last, desperate thrust—and then—
The orgasm hit him like a crossbow bolt, precise and devastating. His entire body arched, the tendons in his neck standing out, his toes curling against the cold metal of the container. The first spurt of semen was almost painful in its intensity, followed by others that left him empty and shaking, as if she’d taken more than just his pleasure—she’d torn away the fear, the shame, everything that had kept him distant.
She didn’t let go of him. If anything, she pulled him closer, her thighs tightening around his hips as her own climax tore through her. Daryl could feel her body contracting in waves around his, her breathing turning ragged against his neck, her nails digging deeper into his skin as if she needed to anchor herself to him to keep from drifting away.
“D-Daryl!” she moaned, and hearing his name on her lips sounded like both a prayer and a curse.
The sound shattered him completely. His hands—once unsure where to rest—now gripped her with a desperation that bordered on feral. His lips crashed into hers in a messy, hungry kiss, like he could consume her, make her part of himself. Her taste—salty with sweat, sweet with something that was only hers—made him dizzy.
When their bodies finally stopped trembling, when the last aftershock of pleasure faded, they collapsed against each other. Sweat glued their skins together, their uneven breaths mingling in the stale air of the container. Daryl could feel her heart hammering against his, the rise and fall of her chest with every breath, the weight of her body on his like she never wanted to pull away.
She rested her forehead against his shoulder, her warm breath leaving a damp mark on his skin.
“Never again,” she whispered—and though she didn’t finish the sentence, Daryl knew exactly what she meant.
Never again would he run. Never again would he be afraid. Never again would he be the same.
And for the first time in years, he wasn’t afraid of what that meant.
He stayed there, his fingers tangled in her hair, his nose buried in the hollow of her neck, breathing her in—the scent of sweat, cheap soap, and something that was only hers. There were no words for what he felt. He didn’t need them.
Because in the end, she already knew.
notes: sorry for the delay—I edited this while barely functioning after the worst shift of my life. i am running on fumes, caffeine, and pure spite. working retail is hell, but I owed you this, so here we are. (I also may have made it a little longer for you because apparently I make bad decisions when I’m exhausted.)
hope you enjoy it! I’ll be back with more as soon as I recover and regain the will to live—probably following the order of the last poll… or maybe I’ll open requests. feel free to send me dms if you want! (ㅅ´ ˘ `) see you on thursday!
summary: you and light have been a pair for as long as you can remember, but lately he's been pulling away. in your time of uncertainty, you end up getting close to l, maybe a little too close. now light's back to normal though, and you're left to figure out how you want to fix the mess you've made.
cw: nsfw (18+), smut, p in v, double penetration, fingering, handjob, threesome, voyeurism/exhibitionism, praise/degradation, infidelity, messy behavior in general, light angst here and there
wc: 19.6k
a/n: finally it is here <3 sorry for the delay, it has been a rough couple weeks. reblogs, comments, and asks are always appreciated <3 also i just have to put out there that my main in mario kart is waluigi till the day i perish 🙏
kinktober slot: day 27 - double penetration
"Light, can you slow down a little? Or at least tell me where we're going?" you called out to your boyfriend walking three paces ahead of you. Three paces he seemed hellbent on keeping between you and him.
He didn't answer your plea. Didn't even spare you a glance. On the contrary, you were pretty sure he sped up ever so slightly.
With a petulant huff, you tried to follow him along the crowded street as best you could. It was just difficult when you didn't really know why you were here or what you were supposed to be looking for. He never kept you well-informed when it came to his plans. Most of the time, you were shocked he even let you tag along at all.
His eyes constantly darted around between groups of people lining the path in the most subtle way. His head didn't move at all, but his pupils bounced around in every direction. Yours remained on his figure. At first, you'd tried glancing around too, but you couldn't figure out for the life of you who or what he was trying to find. You decided to just focus on not getting lost instead.
Bounding up closer to him, your fingers brushed his own. His hands had always been so smooth and soft. No calluses, no blemishes. No mileage at all. You went to intertwine your fingers together. That was when he finally acknowledged you.
He pulled his hand away.
You frowned, choosing to believe it was accidental. That your boyfriend wouldn't reject you so purposefully. You tried again with more intention, clasping with your whole palm rather than hooking pinkies.
His response matched your increased effort. He bent his arm at the elbow and pulled his hand out of your reach, fully removing the opportunity for physical contact. Then, he scowled at you, and his lips curled into that sneer you were becoming more familiar with these days.
"What are you doing? We're here to work," he said, talking to you the same way he talks to anyone else who inconveniences him, "This isn't a date. Try to focus."
"Light, I-" you went to defend yourself. But he cut you off before you got the chance.
"If you're not interested in helping, then stay out of my way," he directed before turning away.
Your lips closed up again, any words wilting away in your throat like a bouquet of old roses. You swallowed the petals down hard. You couldn't get emotional, let alone cry. If you did that, your lover would never let you hear the end of his disappointment.
Your lover. You didn't even know if it was accurate to call him that anymore. More like you were the lover, and he was your beloved. Your Light.
The two of you had been together in a way for as long as you could remember. Friends as children, crushes in your teens, and now as adults, officially boyfriend and girlfriend. You'd wanted this for so long - to say he belonged to you, that you were the ones who owned each other's hearts. But now that you had that, it didn't feel how you imagined it would.
You looked down as you traversed through the crowd.
The relationship between you and Light didn't feel like a fairy tale. It didn't resemble the romantic movies he used to tease you for liking. You could never imagine him kissing you in the rain or singing some love song or whatever else the guys in those movies did to win back the girls after hurting them.
When Light hurt you, either by brushing you off or saying words cold enough to freeze your pumping heart, he barely even said sorry. He'd give you the look, mutter a "I didn't mean it like that," and if you were lucky, half-hug you and kiss the crown of your head.
He hadn't always been so uncaring. A cloud had cast over him at some point during your teenage years, worse than any usual case of angst. His mental storm seemed to block out any rays of sunlight permanently. In recent months, it had gotten worse. Ever since the start of this investigation.
The two of you were supposed to be entering the primes of your lives. Enrolled in university, beginning everything together. But he just grew darker by the day, and you didn't know how to stop it. You could feel him dissolving into ash between your fingers. Slipping away while you desperately tried to hold onto whatever you could.
Barbs started to form in your throat and clearing it didn't help any. Reflecting on your crumbling relationship always reduced you to a state of silence or tears.
You counted the cracks in the street as you walked. It didn't matter to you if you lagged behind and got separated from Light at this point. He made it clear you weren't needed nor wanted. Getting lost wouldn't really mean anything. You could just make your way back to the task force earlier than you'd anticipated. He probably wouldn't even notice your absence.
A few steps ahead, you bumped into his back, earning another glare. He seemed to have come to a dead end in his search. Groaning in frustration, his eyes landed upon you, even harsher than before.
"Don't just stare at me!" he snapped, "Call back to the task force. Let them know we'll be returning soon."
The words struck you as if they were physical arrows. You turned away and pulled out your phone, flipping it open and dialing the number. The tone rang over the painful silence between you two. You tried to choke down any scratchiness your emotions could cause in your voice before someone answered the phone.
Suddenly, a calm voice echoed into your ear.
"Yes?"
L.
"Hi... me and Light will be back soon," you said. The less words you used, the less likely you were to crack.
There was a pause. You wondered if he could tell if something was wrong. You almost hoped that was the case.
"Alright. I take it you two didn't see our target?" he asked.
"No," you answered in the same quiet voice, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I didn't expect the two of you would be successful," he said. His voice was soft, like he truly didn't mind. The exact opposite of your boyfriend's. "We'll talk when the both of you return to the hotel."
He hung up first, and you flipped your phone shut seconds after. Turning to face Light, you found him already staring at you.
"He says he'll talk to us when we come back," you informed him.
All you got in response was a nod. He brushed past you in the direction of the hotel everyone was at for the day. Following along behind him, you didn't say anything. You folded your arms over your chest, not in defiance or anger. It felt defensive.
As you trailed him, the thoughts swirling through your mind consumed most of your attention. Why did you even continue doing this? You were just as much a member of the task force as Light, but he treated you like you were a secretary at best.
In the past, your father had worked with Mr. Yagami as a detective. You'd grown up in the world of suspects and investigations, taught to solve puzzles since you were old enough to keep yourself upright on your dad's lap at his desk.
L himself had approved you to work on the Kira investigation independent of that fact. He saw that you could keep up. But still, it felt like everyone treated you as Light's sidekick. You were cute! Smart for a girl. So sweet to dedicate all this time to helping your boyfriend.
By the time you reached the elevator, you were talking yourself up to quitting. You wanted to catch Kira. You believed in this job. But maybe if you cut your losses now, you could still salvage a relationship with Light. Or at least your perception of him. You wouldn't come to resent him if he wasn't yelling at you day in and day out.
You stayed behind him as the two of you walked down the hallway to the room. The lamps lining the walls flickered, making the already dim lighting worse. Your eyes stayed down on your shoes through the entryway and into the room. Light briefly caught up his dad on the day's events, and then you heard that same voice that talked to you over the phone.
You looked up. And suddenly, quitting didn't seem like such a perfect plan.
The syllables of your name rolled off his tongue like smooth billows of smoke. Something fluttered in your belly that you hadn't felt in a while. You used to feel it for Light until every time he spoke your name, it came out with disdain.
L talked, but you only half-registered the words. He was more focused on the points your boyfriend was firing at him anyway. You watched how his dark eyes focused as he absorbed everything about the conversation happening between them.
Your own gaze on him held nothing but admiration. You felt things about L that you wouldn't be able to articulate if asked. At first, you had the same reaction to him that everyone did. You thought he was strange. From the way he sat to his eating habits, you didn't understand him. But over the course of the investigation, you dedicated yourself to trying.
In a way, you looked to him as an aspiration. The pinnacle in the field of investigation. Quite possibly the smartest man in the world (though you'd bet Light would roll his eyes if he heard you say that out loud).
As you watched him now, his crooked posture and jaw rotating while he chewed on some saccharine treat, you began to mentally revise some of your earlier thoughts.
He was the only one who didn't view you as an extension of Light. When you were working with him, you weren't the feminine version of someone else. You were just you.
The only time you believed you deserved to be here just as much as Light was when you were sitting near L. You'd propose an idea or question something, and the way he would look at you made you feel like you weren't just a little kid everyone allowed to play dress up among adults. He'd give you a simple praise. "Nice work," or "Could be. Interesting." And you'd beam like you'd been given a trophy.
Right now though, even his proximity didn't help to brighten your mood. The clouds from your boyfriend snapping at you hadn't cleared just yet.
The conversation occurring in front of you came to a close. Light gave a quick goodbye and then turned to head out after his father. He clearly expected you to follow, but before you could, something else drew your focus. L, saying your name again.
"If you could, may I ask you to stay for a few moments?" he said, expression unchanging.
"What do you need to talk to her for?" Light interjected before you had the chance to answer.
Your head swiveled between the two of them. On one side was L, calm and unbothered by the clipped nature of your boyfriend's voice. On the other was the latter, his mouth twitching with the urge to scowl.
If you didn't know Light as well as you do, you might have thought this was a bout of jealousy. With the current state of things between you two, that might have even made you happy. A sign that he was still invested in you. But you did know him, so you knew that if anything, he was jealous of the fact that L had deemed information suitable for only you.
"It's nothing serious. Just a few questions about some files she brought to my attention last week," L further explained.
You stood there unmoving, as if you needed Light's permission to talk to your teammate. Looking back at him, you waited for some sign of approval.
He glanced at you and then back at the man behind you before shrugging.
"Fine. I'll see you later," he told you, barely saying goodbye as he exited.
The rest of the task force had also cleared the room for the day, leaving you and L in the cool hotel room alone. Your eyes glanced around to distract your mind from the awkwardness of the situation. The tacky pink wallpaper plastered all around you felt like it was closing in at the moment. The only sound between the four walls was the hum of the air conditioner. That was until he waved you over to the sitting area.
"Come here for a second. I wanted to talk to you." His voice sounded as though he didn't feel any of the tension you did.
You followed him as you had followed Light earlier, quiet and lagging behind a few steps. You took a seat on the ivory loveseat against the wall. He slid around the table. You expected him to sit in the chair at the end of the coffee table like he usually did, but instead, he landed next to you on the chiffon cushions. Your heart skipped a beat. You wondered if he was about to give you some sort of bad news. Maybe you'd made a mistake in your work. Maybe you were now a suspect too.
Regardless of what it was, he bent his legs up so his feet rested on the material. His normal crouching position put you at ease.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
You blinked at the question. "Um... no?" you said.
He hummed in acknowledgement. His process of studying one's features was slightly less endearing when you were the target.
"You seem upset. Are you sure you're alright?" he tried again.
"Yeah," you nodded. Your eyes cast down to your lap. "I'm ok, really. I'm sorry if I seem a little off. Just not a great day, I guess."
"Did something happen earlier when you were out?" he said, seeing right through the excuses.
You looked up again, bringing him back into your field of vision. "Not really..." you opted for, though you knew you sounded unconvincing.
"Nothing out of the ordinary?"
"Definitely not out of the ordinary," you sighed before you could stop yourself. Realizing you probably shouldn't have said that, you sunk back against the stiff backing of the sofa.
"What does that mean?" he asked from beside you.
You weren't totally sure why he was going down this line of questioning, but you answered anyway. L had never given you a reason not to trust him.
"It's just stupid stuff. Between me and Light. Nothing you'd want me to bother you with," you shrugged.
"Try me," he said.
You looked at him tentatively.
"Both of you are key members on this task force," he continued, "If something is affecting your ability to work with other members of this team, then I think it's in my best interest to know about it."
A moment of further hesitation passed before you sighed. Your hand rose to your eyes, stretching your fingers over your brow and rubbing at your frustration.
"He just doesn't seem like himself lately," you said, "Or he does, I guess. But he just... he's different with me."
You found your legs pulling closer to your body and your feet perching at the edge of your seat too. Maybe sitting like this did help you think.
"Distant?" L asked from his side of the furniture.
"Sort of... it's like he wants to be distant, but we work together so he can't be. I don't know," you said. You cut yourself short because you could feel your throat beginning to tighten, and you refused to let yourself cry in front of your teammate whose respect you so badly crave.
"Well. The stress of this whole case is probably weighing on Light, especially with him being a suspect..." he said, trailing off in the way he tended to do.
"I guess. It just feels like he can't even stand the sight of me anymore," you said. Your voice cracked the tiniest bit, but you knew he heard it. A shaky breath left you, and you tilted your head back, as if gravity could keep your tears at bay. "Not that long after we started dating, things just got different between us. It's just... disappointing."
The man beside you nodded as if trying to contemplate what to say next. "Have you talked to him about this?"
"Light doesn't do talks like this," you said, barely louder than a whisper.
Another plume of silence rose between the two of you. You swallowed hard, neck still against the back of the couch. Vaguely, you felt the pressure of the seats shifting, the weight on it redistributing.
You took your hand away from your brow and turned your head to find L much closer. His wide eyes stared at you from less than a foot away.
"Someone who cares about you shouldn't be making you so upset," he mused.
To stop your lip from wobbling, you held it between your teeth for a moment. Even though nothing audible came from you, a small drop of water rolled from the outer corner of your eye. Without missing a beat, his thumb came up to wipe it away. If you weren't yearning for someone to care about how you felt, maybe you would have been confused by it. But right then, it felt good.
"He's just so mean now. He was always sharp before but now... he looks at me like he hates me," you whispered.
He seemed to be the one hesitating now. His eyes rested on your features.
"You're an intelligent girl. Light is smart too, of course, but he has no right to order you around or insult you," he said, "I hope you don't feel like you have to put up with that because you work together."
The others had noticed it too then. You hadn't given any specific instances of how he treated you, but he still knew.
"I know I don't have to. I just... I don't know how to be without him," you said, feeling pathetic. You shouldn't need this guy you've only known for such a short amount of time to tell you this stuff. But as he spoke to you with such tenderness, you found yourself wishing he did it more often.
"You know you're a pretty girl. You're sweet and thoughtful. I'm sure there's a lot of people who would feel lucky if you gave them the time of day," he said. The words came out slow, as though he was traversing a field of landmines. "I'm only saying that because staying with someone out of obligation rarely pans out."
You simply nodded in response. What he was saying was the truth. Part of you already knew it. The other part just didn't want to quit yet. It was as if Light was another puzzle, and if you could just put the pieces together right, the picture would form in the end. But the part of you that had already been thinking what you just heard, that was the part that wanted to squirm when you heard the words pretty girl fall from L's lips.
"I know it's not really my place to comment on your relationship," he continued as though he could read your mind, "I just don't want to see you quit this. You're a valuable member of this task force. I would hate to see you run off by petty drama."
You nodded, his words steeling your resolve. "I won't quit this," you confirmed. You wouldn't let Light ruin this for you, but more than that, L wanted you here. And you wanted to be here with him.
"Good," he said while staring back at you. He leaned away from your body and brought his legs down to the floor like he was about to stand. "I don't have anything else to discuss with you. The files thing was just an excuse for Light. You're free to-"
And before you knew what you were really doing, you pushed yourself across the loveseat and crashed your lips against his. To your shock and relief, he didn't push you away. You heard a muffled noise burst out against your mouth, but then you felt him sink into it too. His hand cupped your cheek, and he reciprocated.
A breath you'd been holding since joining this case seeped from your lungs. His lips were so soft, his palm just as delicate. You scooted a little closer to him, feeling the rigidness of his side against your leg. You couldn't remember the last time Light had kissed you like this.
And as that thought crossed your mind, guilt washed over you in a tidal wave.
You pulled back, eyes heavy with the weight of your actions and lips parted so hot puffs of air could flow in and out.
"I'm sorry," you said immediately, "I shouldn't have done that."
He stared back at you, completely motionless for the moment. You started to get up, but he reached out and grabbed your forearm, stopping you.
"Don't be sorry," was all he said at first.
The both of you were trapped here together, locked in the haze of feelings and morals clashing. You wanted to go back in so badly. You wanted to taste him, to feel every detail of his mouth long enough to commit to memory. By the way he was keeping you here, it seemed that he too had some of the same desires.
"I'm sorry because it was unprofessional, not because I don't want to," you clarified softly.
"It was," he agreed, not unhanding you, "I know you're right. It's not a good idea. We should be focused on the case. I shouldn't have involved myself to this degree at all."
The words came out like they're meant to convince himself rather than you.
"Just tell me," he continued, "Did you mean it, or was it a mistake because you're upset?"
"It wasn't a mistake. I meant it. But I can't," you said. But fuck, you wanted to.
He looked so pretty sitting there. His shaggy black hair hung in his eyes which were just as wide and uncertain as yours.
You knew that even though Light could be a huge dick, this was wrong. This wasn't justified, and you should not continue. What you should've done was get up and walk out the door.
But something held you there across from L.
"I understand," he said simply. He wasn't going to force you to do anything. If you strayed from Light, that would be your decision.
'Get up. Get up. Get up,' repeated in your head over and over. But you didn't follow your own mental advice.
"Did you want it? Or was it just the heat of the moment?" you asked softly.
You could see the indecision written all over his face. To make things more complicated with the truth or let them return to normal under the guise of a lie? The conversation lulled with the delay, but then his silken voice spoke the answer you'd been waiting for.
"I wanted it. I've been wanting it," he told you, "Everyday I see you, it gets harder to stand that I don't have you to myself."
And you knew you shouldn't, but now, you needed to. You pushed yourself forward and closed the gap. His thin arms encircled you to pull you toward him.
"Just this once, we can. Just for tonight, you can. Please," you whispered.
And who was he to deny you?
The problem with that night was that it hadn't turned out to be just once.
In the moment that you spoke those words, you meant them. You truly intended for it to be a one time thing. A small slice of pleasure you allowed yourself to indulge in. A secret that would weigh on your heart for the rest of your life. A brief lapse in judgment. A mistake.
But after the fact, what transpired between you and L felt like anything but.
One small kiss turned into several which whisked the two of you into a breathless makeout session on that loveseat. After a while, you'd crawled into his lap, and he'd slipped inside you. It was all a blur when you looked back on it now. A night of passion you'd never come close to experiencing before.
Quite honestly before that evening, you never imagined L to be capable of such romantic fervor. You imagined him as a much more distant lover. Similar to Light with the idea that his affection would be subtle. Different in that it wouldn't feel cold.
But for those hours, the word subtle hadn't crossed your mind once. Intense. Dedicated. All-consuming. Those seemed like more appropriate descriptors.
He'd been so good that you basically passed out next to him in the hotel bed afterwards. The two of you slept as if any of what had taken place was normal. Your limbs tangled with one another's while your dreams danced together overhead.
The next morning you came to slowly. You sat up and yawned, your hand lazily rubbing some of the sleep off your face. It took a few seconds of consciousness for panic to shoot through your body as you realized you needed to get up and go home.
Members of the task force would be there within the hour. You couldn't just be here before everyone else, wearing the same outfit as yesterday. It wouldn't take someone with Light's IQ to figure out what that meant.
You scrambled to put on your clothes and gather any belongings you'd need to make your re-arrival look fresh. L began to wake up from the sounds of your scuffling. He boosted himself up on the mattress and watched you for a moment. You'd never seen him so unfocused. It was beautiful in a way, his eyes lidded and tired, hazy with the remnants of a dream.
As quickly as you could without being rude, you explained what you were doing. To your pleasure, he didn't put up a fight. He helped you gather what you needed so you could go freshen up before coming back.
Before you left though, he brought you into a lingering kiss. He held your jaw tenderly and pulled away without any urgency, looking in your eyes while stroking your lip.
"I'll see you when you get back," he murmured.
And that was the beginning of many transgressions that shattered the illusion of 'just this once.'
You rushed home and hopped in the shower. The hot water washed away the rest of your drowsiness. The rising fog of steam enveloped you in warmth, bringing flashes of him back to your mind. How soft his dark locks had felt feathering against your neck. How tight his hands had gripped yours as he thrust into you. How sweet he'd sounded moaning in your ear.
Sighing, you leaned against the cool tile wall. You had to forget all that. It'd been nice, but it had to remain contained. Your work came first, and you would never hurt Light with the knowledge of any of that. It had happened and you didn't regret it. But it was over now.
At least that was what you told yourself.
On that day when you returned to the hotel in a new outfit, everything went as normal. There were no sly remarks from L. No tantalizing looks or teasing touches meant to operate under Light's nose. The both of you acted normal, went about your jobs and performed your duties as you're supposed to.
You weren't really sure what happened, but somewhere between then and now, your intentions to cut it off got muddled and faded away.
A few nights later, you had to stay late to review some aspects of the case with L. It started off professional but took no time to devolve. His fingers that had been so careful flipping through paperwork, eventually ended up beneath your skirt, toying with your clit as he had you continue to read off lines from the files before you.
After that, your entire relationship took on that tone. Your time together became filled with holding hands under the table, stolen kisses before others entered the room, and hushed moans as if one decibel too loud would result in you being found out.
But despite how good it all felt, you weren't heartless.
Every time you were alone with Light, the guilt crushed you. You began to act more like him, withdrawn and inattentive. If he noticed, he didn't complain, but that didn't alleviate your shame any.
You knew you had to end it with him. That was the only right way to go about this now.
And you planned to, you honestly did. You set a deadline in your head for when you would do it by. You stood in front of your mirror for nearly an hour, practicing what you were going to say. You imagined his reactions and tried to brace yourself in advance.
Every last detail was penciled into place. You even told L about it beforehand. As if it were another task for your job, he offered support. His reaction and the way he went about giving you subtle comfort helped you feel like this was the right decision.
In a way, you still loved Light. You probably always would hold a sliver of affection for him. The forever fondness that comes with being your first love. But you were becoming increasingly certain that you loved L too.
The day you planned to cut Light loose, you woke up extra early. The lining of your stomach felt as though it was webbed with live wires. Anxiety coursed through you with every beat of your heart. You got ready for the day like you always did and then went about your routine as normal. You'd meet up with him at the hotel, and then you could do it afterwards when the two of you were alone.
But that day that you had so meticulously planned didn't end with the two of you in some secluded alcove in the lobby. You didn't get to explain anything. He didn't get to yell at you for betraying him or tell you to never speak to him again. None of that happened because instead, that day he came into the room, he didn't leave with you. He didn't go home afterwards.
He offered himself up for confinement. He ended the day in a cell before you ever got to tell him anything.
You sat near L with your head resting on your hands, glaring at the monitor with the image of Light on it. He was looking back at the camera. Even though there was no way for him to have known your plan, you felt like his coppery eyes gleamed with mockery.
L watched your expression, taking in your dire look. Only the two of you occupied the room right now. Everyone else had gone home for the night. He reached across the desk to take your hand. His thumb swiped over your knuckles tenderly.
You glanced at him in return. "Do you really think he could be Kira?" you asked weakly.
The answer you wanted wasn't so much to do with the exact question you asked. No matter how L explained it or whatever evidence he laid out, you could never bring yourself to fully commit to the idea that your boyfriend was this prolific serial killer. Instead, all you really needed in this moment was some reassurance that this stint in confinement wasn't for no reason.
He met your eyes, pausing before he spoke to consider his words.
"Yes. There's a chance he could be, one I'm partial to believe," he said, "But even if he isn't, that will show in time."
You nodded, pouting without realizing it and turning back to the screen. He was looking ahead now, not staring into your soul through the computer screen. You still felt stuck though.
You couldn't launch into a relationship with L now because Light was gone. The others were already pretty up in arms about Light and Mr. Yagami being held. It was doubtful that seeing you and L use the time as an opportunity for your own benefit would lessen those feelings any.
But on the other hand, you figured it would be cruel and unusual to dump Light through the speaker that blasted into his cell.
You sighed and shook your head, casting your vision over to the screen that featured Misa Amane. Your eyes briefly scanned her features. She was pretty; though, it was hard to tell with the large shield they had her face covered in.
"Do you think she's the second Kira?" you asked with disinterest.
He nodded, much more invested in the stakes of these two pieces of the puzzle than you were at the moment.
"Yes. It's just a matter of getting her to admit it," he said.
You nodded again, inclined to agree with him on that. You didn't know Misa all that well, having only crossed paths with her once or twice. From what you could tell, she had a huge crush on your boyfriend. He didn't seem to reciprocate it necessarily, but he did act strange on the few occasions she came up in conversation.
At certain points, you wondered if he was cheating on you with her, but you figured that was your mind projecting.
"We'll figure it out, darling," L said from beside you, drawing you back to reality with his soft tone, "We just have to be patient."
You turned your head to look at him. Some of the tension in your neck and back eased up as you gazed into his eyes. The sight of him sitting there, scrunched up like usual, softened your pessimistic outlook ever so slightly. He made you believe that you could endure all of this simply because he was worth it.
Leaning over the armrest of your office chair, you pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. The images of Light and Misa glowed behind your heads as he furthered it, rolling your seat in his direction.
L had been right about one thing. The past couple months required intense patience.
Light's confinement stretched longer than you would have imagined. You predicted a month at most, and even then, you believed that was kind of a stretch. It shouldn't take that long to determine if he was Kira.
But the one month marker passed and it seemed there was still no end in sight.
You and L continued your affair, still in secret. It was odd having to hide when the main person you were shielding from your feelings sat in a cell under your surveillance twenty four hours a day.
Seeing him like that got to you some days. When he started begging and pleading to be set free, it killed you inside. You could barely stand to look at L when it happened. It felt like you were watching the version of Light you'd fallen in love with come back only to be put in agony. Your chest would ache as you watched the video feed, your lip between your teeth and your eyes brimming with a sheen of salty tears.
L understood as best he could. He had known when this all started that things with you wouldn't be so cut and dry. It still gnawed at him a bit to see you torn up, but he gave you space when you needed it and held you when you didn't.
Just as you were beginning to lose hope that this would ever end, the day came that L informed you he would be releasing Light.
A strange mixture of relief and dread flooded your mind. You hadn't gone this long without speaking to Light since the two of you met back when you were both missing your front teeth and taking notes in crayon. You'd be happy to see him free of course, and it was one step closer to untangling yourself from this twisted web you'd created. But the other part of you filled with uneasiness stemming from your guilt. That combined with the expectation that he wouldn't care one way or the other about being reunited with you.
But when the two of you met again in the new hotel, your predictions couldn't have been more wrong.
You reluctantly glanced up at him when you heard him enter the room. But it was when your eyes met that something felt different. Your racing thoughts came screeching to a halt, a head on collision of guilt and nostalgia.
He strode across the room, lacking the normal weight he seemed to constantly carry on his shoulders these days. You rose to your feet on impulse. His arms reached out, and you felt them wrapping around your body. He pulled you to his chest, holding you there as his nose brushed the crown of your head. He said your name against your scalp with more softness than you'd heard from him in months.
You returned the embrace. Your hands splayed across his back, feeling the lean muscles beneath his shirt. Before you knew what was happening, your eyes felt misty.
"I missed you," you choked out as a whisper, "I've missed you so much."
You'd been missing him longer than fifty days. The version of Light in your arms was the one you loved since you were old enough to really understand the concept. This was the one you thought you'd lost forever because of this investigation.
"I missed you too," he said in return. Even his voice sounded like it used to. He didn't speak with inherent disdain for your very being. The words came out with a soft lilt meant for a lover.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do more to help you," you whimpered. The apology was meant for more than the crime you confessed to.
"It's alright. There was nothing you could do," he said, his hand rubbing the expanse between your shoulder blades.
You ran your fingers up his neck and threaded them in his sandy locks. Pulling back a few inches, you kissed his cheek a couple times. You felt the skin flush red with embarrassment, which brought a smile to your lips. He didn't scowl or push you off. He got flustered.
"I missed you a lot. Don't leave me like that again," you whispered, pulling him back in for one more tight hug.
Your heart ached with the knowledge that you had planned to break up with him soon. You didn't think you could go through with it anymore. Not when he was himself again. Your Light.
The two of you pulled away from each other, and then your eyes landed on L sitting on the couch. Either he was much more understanding than you ever thought possible for a human being, or he had a phenomenal poker face. He looked completely unaffected, faring much better than you would be if the roles were reversed.
In contrast to his unbothered appearance, your stomach turned. You felt more guilt building in the pit of your belly, each brick being laid there reminding you of the fact that you were a horrible person. It was the only truth you would accept about this situation. You were a horrible person whose selfishness had created this mess. Truly, the solution you probably needed was swearing off men. You should devote yourself solely to finding Kira because you didn't deserve anyone. Certainly not the two people in this room with you.
The two of them began to speak, but you could barely hear the words coming out. Each of them sat on one end of the orangey, vintage couch while you took your seat in the chair on the opposite side of the pale rug beneath you. All your mind could focus on were the questions swirling within. How could you have done this? How could you have been so self-centered and stupid?
Neither of them deserved this. They didn't deserve to be caught in the carnage of your emotional state. You should've broken up with Light when you fell for L, plain and simple. That would have been the cleanest exit strategy possible here. Now there was no clean option left. Anything you did was going to leave animosity and tension in its wake.
You didn't zone back into the conversation until the words that had been popping out every so often started to piece together. The arrangement they were planning began becoming clear to you.
"You're going to handcuff yourselves together?" you asked with disbelief.
They both took a break from conversing with each other to look at you. L nodded while Light verbalized an explanation.
"If this gets us closer to catching Kira, it will be worth it."
"But come on, do you really think this is necessary? Wasn't almost two months in confinement enough to prove your innocence? All this will do is drive each of you crazy," you argued. The part you left unsaid was that it would drive you crazy as well.
"I believe it's necessary," L told you, "I also believe it will increase our efficiency."
He stared into your eyes, trying to convince you without words. If he was anyone else, you would believe this was intentional. A strike to get back at you for your loving reunion with Light. But you didn't think L would do that. He'd never taint the integrity of his case with personal feelings, and he'd never hurt you like that. He'd never hurt you like you hurt him.
Before you know it, a long, silver chain with two shiny cuffs attached had been pulled out. Each of your lovers got one locked around his wrist. You glanced between them, your eyes following the links that connected them.
You had a bad feeling this would require even more patience than the last couple months did.
Though it wasn't his intention, L couldn't help but feel that this handcuff idea had turned into a punishment for him. His consequence for sleeping with a girl in a relationship, and then continuing the affair and allowing himself to grow attached.
When he came up with the plan, he thought he could handle it. He had put up with watching you and Light together for months when he believed his feelings were unrequited. But now that he had his own taste of you, it felt nearly unbearable.
Living in the task force building with the two of you and watching you lavish all your affection on Light felt like torture. Every stroke of the other man's soft hair from your loving fingers felt like a blade slicing his skin. Each kiss to his pale temple was a bullet piercing his own flesh. Every time he had to hear you speak to Light in a sappy tone of voice or pay him a compliment, he'd rather rip his own ear drums out.
It was brutal. He didn't even get the reprieve of your nights alone together anymore. Your contact with him had been reduced to emotional looks, double-edged words, or soft touches on the rare occasions that Light fell asleep first.
Those nights were few and far in between. The last time it had happened had been weeks ago. All of three of you had been watching a movie, some horror flick none of you had seen. You sat on the couch together, like this was a hang out and not a date. On the right side, Light leaned back into the cushions. L took up the left side while you were in the middle between them.
Light had you tucked to his side as the movie played in front of you three. It was a possessive gesture and that was obvious to L. The movie wasn't scary and you weren't cold. The other man wanted his relationship with you on display. If L was going to sit in on your dates, at least he would know he was the third wheel.
He tried to act casual about it, tried keeping his eyes solely on the screen showing the carved up victims of the film's killer. But he couldn't stop himself from noticing how you played with Light's fingers. You shuffled them between your own, bending his digits and stroking the smooth skin. You fidgeted with them thoughtlessly like it was the most natural thing in the world. And he realized for both of you, it probably was. He'd never felt so out of place.
The urge to get away from it coursed through him with such intensity that he considered popping his thumb out of place just to slip out of the cuffs and get some space. The air in here felt suffocating, weighing down heavier on him every second. He ran his hand through his sleek hair. This night couldn't be over soon enough.
It was about two-thirds of the way through the movie that he felt your hand on his instead. You inched across the cushions and looped your fingers over his. He turned to look at you and saw Light's head slumped over onto your shoulder.
Unease swirled in your eyes. You seemed almost apologetic, and that was confirmed when you spoke, keeping your voice quiet enough not to wake your sleeping boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," you whispered.
He blinked at you. "For what?"
A little sigh puffed from between your lips. "For this," you said, "I'm sorry for dragging you into this and stringing you along and not just breaking things off one way or the other."
"I was hardly unwilling," he responded. His hand flipped over and returned the hold you had on him.
His words made you smile a little, but sorrow still riddled your features. "You know what I mean. I just... I don't wanna make you feel like I'm leading you on. I don't regret being with you. I still care about you. A lot," you said. The L word stayed on the tip of your tongue. You were too mixed up to expel it.
He shook his head. "Don't apologize," he commanded gently, "If I expected something easy, I wouldn't have let this go as far as it did. I'm just as much to blame."
"But still," you replied, unconvinced, "I know I should just end things or leave you alone. It's just that he finally seems to like me again, and I don't know. It's hard to throw that away."
Sadness pervaded your words, and he hated it. It made sense. The tangled knots between the three of you didn't leave much room to feel happy.
"If Light is what you need right now, then that's ok. You don't need to feel an obligation to me-"
"I don't!" you interjected, almost forgetting to keep your volume down, "I don't. It's not like that. I love Light, but you're important to me too. I don't feel like I owe you anything. I feel attached to you because you're special. You mean so much to me. You're not like anyone I've ever known."
You were killing him, truly. He didn't want to let you go, but he figured giving you a way out would be easier. You just wouldn't take it. He didn't really know what to say. It wasn't like he could just join you and Light... the other man would never go for that.
"I love you too," he whispered, saying the words you wanted to without mincing them, "But feeling so torn isn't good for you. And it's not fair to Light."
Internally, your heart soared from the soft declaration. It would've been one of the most romantic moments of your life if it wasn't for the fact that you had made it so messy. But you had, so all you could do was nod because you knew he was right.
"Figure out what exactly you want, what will make you happy, and what will be best for you," he finished.
He then leaned in and gave you the smallest, softest kiss you'd ever received. Despite its fleeting nature, it struck you like a truck crashing into your body. It was the first time you'd kissed him in weeks, a reminder of how good he felt.
You stared into his eyes once the two of you had separated, running the tip of your tongue over your upper lip. Your heart fluttered in your chest for him. Your breaths came in and out with a little more effort.
Then, interrupting the exchange between you two, Light snuck his other arm around your waist and pulled you closer to his body like you were a beloved stuffed animal. The sudden reminder of his presence nearly caused you to jump out of your skin.
You ripped your eyes away from L and settled back in next to your boyfriend. Cuddling him closer, one of your hands ran through his hair and ensured he didn't wake himself up by moving.
And just like that the moment was over. Things went back to how they had been every other second the three of you spent in this arrangement. But L had gotten his fill and it was enough to keep him going for a while more.
Over the next couple days, he watched the two of you more closely. Part of him did it for selfish reasons. He wanted to find more time he could have you to himself. More moments he could steal from Light. But there was another part of him that was purely curious. It was the part of him always looking for a logical solution.
Through his observations, it became increasingly obvious to him that Light wasn't happy about this handcuffing arrangement in regards to his time with you either. He just seemed able to tolerate it much better than L could. Probably because he was the one with the official claim on you. He didn't have to hide his feelings.
Light could openly sit with his arm around your shoulders or your ass parked on his lap. He was the one that could stroke your head or kiss your cheek. He got to call you 'sweetheart' and be the recipient of your bright smiles.
At first he didn't take advantage of any of those things too often, but lately, the detective had noticed an uptick in all of those behaviors. The others had caught onto it too and found his rejuvenated affection for you slightly odd, but they chalked it up to almost two months apart. Two months without any form of physical contact would drive anyone to feel needy. And L agreed with that for the most part, though like with everything else, he had some theories of his own.
He also believed that Light's increase in attentiveness towards you stemmed from jealousy beginning to fester inside him. Maybe jealousy wasn't exactly the right word, but his actions toward you weren't purely romantic. They felt like warnings sometimes, reminders that you belonged to him.
He didn't think you had told your boyfriend about your affair. It was doubtful that he would've just let that slide and carried on with things as if they were totally fine. And he didn't think he was catching on either. As much as it pained him, you had been so inconspicuous. If he was anyone but himself, he didn't think he would paint you as attracted to anyone other than Light.
There was only one real instance he could identify that would qualify as Light catching scent of the truth.
The three of you had been working on the case in the evening, sitting side by side at the table in the main room of HQ. Your bodies lined up in their normal arrangement, Light on one side, you in the middle, and L on the other.
Over the crown of your boyfriend's brown hair, sat the band on a pair of headphones. The audio of last week's news coverage droned in his ears. Meanwhile you worked on taking notes on dates of killings and potential patterns and connections between them. L was scribbling some points down about names of victims.
It had been small, and he'd barely noticed it. But when his eyes drifted to the left side of his page, he caught a little marking on the right edge of yours.
A small pair of dots with a curved line beneath stared up at him. The little smiley face gave him the look you couldn't, spoke the words he didn't hear from you anymore.
He ended up drawing his own tiny ":)" on his paper. It rested right next to yours, only separated by the thin space between the two sheets.
It only took you a minute or so to notice. He acted like he was focused on his work, but he subtly watched in his peripheral for the smile that spread across your lips.
Continuing the game, you brought your pen back to the sight of your doodle and drew a little tongue sticking out of the mouth. He laughed under his breath. Thoughts of adding onto his filled his brain, but before he could, the third person in the room interjected.
"Are you guys passing notes now?" Light asked before nudging the headphones off one of his ears, both visibly and audibly unamused.
Your head whipped to face him. "Sorry. I just got a little distracted," you explained. You leaned in and placated him with a kiss to his cheek. Then your attention returned to the task in front of you.
L continued to watch as the interaction played out. Before he could refocus his own intentions, he caught Light giving him a look. It was only for a few seconds, but the suspicion shot across the back of your shoulders directly into L's skull.
But as far as he knew, that had been it. Neither of you had talked about it in front of him, so unless you discussed it while he slept, Light must have just let it go.
So the only other option left that could explain this shift in his level of affection was natural possessiveness. Whether he was conscious of it or not, Light had to share you with someone else 24/7 now. The two of you were never alone anymore. Even if L stayed quiet, forgetting his presence entirely was not an easy task with the way he stared. Private conversations and truly intimate moments were a thing of the past in your shared life. He supposed that would grate on anyone.
He still wasn't decided on that line of reasoning though, so he filed it away with the rest of the ways Light had changed during his confinement. He could figure out the source later. For now, he just needed to focus on you.
Quite honestly, he couldn't believe he had let any of this happen. He found himself wishing that he stopped on that first night. That part of his mind yearned for some way to go back in time and tell you the kiss was unprofessional and leave the tension to fizzle out. Everything would be so much easier in the universe where that actually happened.
But then again, in that universe, that version of himself would never get to experience you, and he didn't envy that in the slightest. Even with all the drama and secrets and heartache, he didn't regret you at all. It was the mess he hated, not the person at the center of it. No matter how hopeless things between the two of you seemed, he found himself unable to let go. You could trample his heart as much as you wanted and drag it through countless fields of broken glass, but at the end of the day, he'd still be there waiting for you to pick him from the carnage.
He knew it was pathetic. Childish even, believing in some sort of modern fairytale with you. But being aware of those things didn't curtail his feelings any.
If anything, it made them worse. Not having you to himself like he did for the time Light was gone created a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. Acidic resentment ready to spew at any moment toward the man toting you around as his possession.
The worst it felt was when you two did try to have a private moment while he slept.
Normally, you spent the nights in your own room in the task force building, but on occasion, you'd fall asleep before you could retire to your own space. In those cases, you'd sleep pressed to Light's side on one of the two beds in his and L's shared bedroom.
That night when the jealousy burned so hot inside him it felt like it would bubble over, it was because he woke up to the sound of the chain rustling. It dangled across the space between the two twin mattresses, the links clanking against each other and the floor. The sounds weren't erratic but just noisy enough to pull him from the comforts of unconsciousness.
His mind stayed hazy at first, ready to be lured back under. But then he heard a soft moan. Light's voice tenderly bursting into the otherwise quiet space. Then came you shushing him.
"I'm only gonna keep going if you stay quiet," you whispered.
That brought L to his senses a little more. He had been facing away from the two of you, so he couldn't see what was going on exactly. He blinked away his sleepiness and tried to focus on deducing that though.
From there, he could hear the rhythmic strokes of your hand. The wet sound of you spitting onto your palm. Light's grunts as he presumably bit his lip and kept his face against your neck.
"You're so good at that," he choked out while gritting his teeth.
A quiet giggle trickled from your lips, and a part of L died inside. It felt kind of stupid. He knew you and Light were intimate. But knowing and bearing witness were two separate things.
"You still have to be quiet. If you wake him up, I'm never doing this for you again. If you get hard in the middle of the night, you'll have to rely on your own hand," you teased before connecting your lips with his.
L lied in bed as the rest of that played out. The delicate smooches and creaks of the bed. Light's strained whines and labored breaths.
Even after you'd finished him off and the two of you fell asleep again, he rested on the bed, moving as much as a stone. His eyes stared at the wall while his limbs felt like cement. Thoughts tangled up in his mind. The feelings of betrayal and envy and disgust and longing all muddled together.
Humiliating as it was, none of them killed his need for you. If you came to him tomorrow and informed him you and Light had split, he'd be as ready to embrace you as he was a few hours ago.
The desperate yearning for you was a disease, but as of now, it wasn't terminal. He could still function, could still even coexist with the subject of his hatred. That's what he was doing right now as the three of you played Mario Kart on the Wii hooked up to the tv in their shared room.
You and Light were curled up in the corner of the couch again while L sat a few feet away on the floor with his back against the structure. His shoulders tilted side to side as he maneuvered the controller in his hands.
Three of the small split screens showed your chosen characters weaving through Coconut Mall. You had a shitty race so far, lagging behind in fifth place. Light was up ahead in first with Toad while L trailed close behind in third as Dry Bones.
You already resigned to losing given that it was the third lap and you didn't have any good power ups. After winning the last cup, that was fine with you. One of them could have this one.
The two men on either side of you didn't share your nonchalance. Both were dead silent, completely focused on the tv screen. They zipped their cars through the virtual parking lot, dodging the mini obstacles in the way. Glancing over at his corner of the screen, you could see Light basically had it in the bag. But then L jammed his thumb down on one of the wiimote buttons.
A blue shell flew out of the little skeleton turtle's hand and zipped up ahead to Toad. It slammed down with all the pettiness L felt inside, and Dry Bones passed by, smug with success.
"Damn!" Light huffed, dropping the controller in his lap.
He glared at the screen as you finished up the race. You came in fourth place rather than fifth. The feeling of slight achievement wasn't long lived though. You could tell out of the corner of your eye that your boyfriend had just barely resisted the urge to fling the plastic remote towards the wall.
L turned his head to look up at the both of you. His gossamer lashes kissed his cheeks as he blinked a few times. You looked at him awkwardly, hoping he could say something to cut through the tension.
"You know, Light. If you used the mushroom in your inventory, you could've avoided the blue shell. There's a trick you can do with the timing, but also, you would've been over the finish line if you sped up so it wouldn't have mattered if it hit you anyw-"
Light's head snapped in his direction, his stare even more agitated than before. Your eyes flitted between them like a scolded puppy even though you weren't on the receiving end of the icy look. If there was one thing about Light you knew, it was that he hated being shown up. And even more, he loathed being corrected afterwards.
"What happened to you pretending like you're not even here?" he said with a tight jaw, "This is supposed to be time for me and my girlfriend. And last I checked, that isn't you."
L shrugged in response, not reciprocating the annoyance. "It was your girlfriend who asked me to play. Maybe you should have checked with her about that," he said coolly.
You cringed a little, hearing the subtle assertion in his voice. He said your girlfriend, but you could sense the challenge. The unspoken dare to Light to make that more apparent so he could prove otherwise. You really really didn't want that to happen though, so you interrupt the exchange with forced laughter.
"Guys, chill out. It's just Mario Kart. No need to get all upset," you said.
L took your advice and turned his eyes back towards the television. Coconut Mall was only the second track in the cup after all. There were two more to go.
You looked up at Light who was relaxing now too and sinking back into the plush cushions of the couch. He still hadn't picked up the blue wiimote in his lap, and you weren't confident he was going to in the next few seconds.
As a preemptive strike, you leaned in and kissed his cheek. "You don't have to play anymore if you don't want to, baby," you murmured.
Baby.
The word stabbed at L. He peered back at your shared corner of the couch.
"Don't be a sore loser, Light. You know you don't have to be good at everything," he taunted.
In an instant, your boyfriend's face morphed into his previous harsh expression. You grabbed the controller from his lap, preventing him from lobbing it at L before the thought to do so could form in his mind.
"I actually have a lot of other games. We could all just play something else. There's Wii Sports, Just Dance. I even have this one where you're like a detective, so maybe you guys would like that..." you chattered.
"Can we just watch a movie instead? Something that involves less input from him," Light responded with a pointed gaze in L's direction.
"Sure!" you chirped, all too eager for another distraction.
You hopped up from the sofa, nearly tripping over the chain that connected their wrists. Your feet got their balance though and narrowly avoided an embarrassing fall. Once stable, you headed over to the little binder of disks you'd brought to HQ when you all moved in here and rifled through it to find something that could please both men.
L chewed the inside of his cheek. He had nothing to really be irritated about in this moment, but this whole situation wore on him. As a result, he felt like being a little pushy.
"Your girlfriend was excited to play that game, wasn't she?" L asked, still keeping the facade of casualness, "We really have to stop because you're not winning?"
The way Light gritted his teeth was nearly audible. "She's the one who suggested we do something else," he defended, "If she still wanted to play, she would tell me. She doesn't need you speaking on her behalf."
"Yeah, really. It's no big deal. I can play later," you said, trying your best to smooth things out.
L's pupils lingered on you, assessing and judging. He knew you were trying to defuse the situation above all else. He understood the motivation, but that didn't mean he liked it. Why couldn't you let the fuse burn down to the blow up? The explosion that could set everything straight. Let it clear this mess and leave nothing but rubble that the two of you could rise from to be together.
As of now though, that was nothing more than a wild pipe dream. He let go of it. It was probably best for the case anyway.
You popped a DVD into the player before standing and prancing back to the sofa. Taking your seat, you slotted yourself right under Light's arm, pressed against his side. L scooted up onto the couch too but maintained the distance of a single cushion. It was weird sharing the space with the two of you, yet he figured it was better than staying on the floor and feeling like a kid being babysat by a negligent couple.
Only a few moments passed before the menu screen appeared. The cheesy looped music sounded for a couple seconds before you tapped the button to play your selection. It was some 90s movie. One that despite its star-studded cast, was still filled to the brim with atrocious acting.
All three of you were silent through the beginning even though none of you held much interest in the film. The plot panned out predictably; the characters fighting over petty qualms and falling in love at the drop of the hat while the end of the world decorated the background of their lives.
L let out a quiet sigh, a section of his dark tresses swaying with the force of his breath. The heel of his palm squished against his cheek while boredom swirled in his eyes and spread across his other features.
Meanwhile on your side of the couch, you remained relieved you'd avoided imminent catastrophe. Your head leaned against Light's shoulder while his fingers twirled absent-mindedly on your bicep. About forty-five minutes into the film, he turned and kissed your forehead.
You peeked up at him. The act would've been unusual for the Light you'd become accustomed to months ago, but for this updated version, it was fairly in line. You gave him a tiny smile and snuggled further into his side. Relaxation permeated the both of you as you sat there and watched the stupid movie in front of you. To you, it was the end of conflict. This acted as a time killer to fill the rest of the night before you could go to sleep.
But your boyfriend seemed to view the situation through a different lens.
His fingers continued to massage your upper arm in light ministrations. They were barely noticeable. So casual they almost felt inherent.
But that was only until they dragged upward to your neck and collar. The smooth pads of his fingertips trailed over the little bump of your clavicle. They dusted over you with the most gentle care you'd ever seen from the man holding you close. His digits traced with intention, with subtle desire. They delved downward and teased the top of your breasts, bringing heat creeping up from the pit of your belly into your cheeks.
Carefully, you readjusted your position, brushing him off in the most inadvertent way possible. In contrast to the way he pulled away from your hand all those months ago, this could truly appear to be accidental. It didn't matter though because it didn't deter him any.
His head ducked in, and he kissed the skin beneath your earlobe. He pulled you a little closer to his body, allowing you to feel the definition of his form. An involuntary shudder swept over you. You tried to fight it, but the provocative touches had an effect whether you wanted them to or not.
He moved his lips down, licking and nipping from your earlobe onto your throat. That was when you almost lost it, nearly letting a moan escape you. It would have been soft and quiet, but at any volume, it wasn't a sound you wanted getting out right now.
Your eyes fluttered. All his touches felt so good. Light knew your body. Even though he was a dick for most of the beginning of your relationship, he was still observant. He knew all the spots that made you melt. He knew the area below your pulse point caused you to squirm and whimper while grazing the divot in your hips made them buck as a chill overtook you.
He kept his kisses quiet. Not quiet enough for someone attempting to hide them, but to the point that he wasn't slobbering all over your neck.
Either way, L noticed what the two of you were up to. He felt jealousy taking root inside of him. Ugly, brutal, all-consuming envy. He hated it, didn't want it at all, but it still made itself known.
He kept his eyes locked on the screen. He could feel you two shifting around in your corner. He could hear your breath hitch like it did for him. He could see in his peripheral how Light held you, in the way he wished he could.
"Light, quit it," you whispered.
You really tried to keep this between you and him, but he kept going. One set of his fingers swept down over your curves and gripped the dip in your waist. They squeezed the soft flesh, keeping you close.
"Shhh," he hushed you before nipping at the sensitive skin of your throat, "Relax, baby. This is supposed to be a date, yeah?"
Suppressing a whimper in your throat, you nodded weakly. You decide to just let him mess around a little more. Maybe he could work out his frustration and then mellow out.
At first, you thought that worked. He eased his efforts, laying some tender pecks on your neck. His kisses hit your skin with alluring care. You felt lulled into a sense of security. Your body calmed itself and cooled the fires of arousal beginning to burn. But then his lips parted and his tongue snuck out, licking a stripe up your neck before his mouth engulfed the wet area.
Simultaneously, his hand coasted back up and landed on your breast. This time the touch wasn't teasing. He grabbed the mound of flesh with intention. He kneaded it with unmistakable desire. Heat blossomed between your legs like it would when the two of you were alone. But instead of sinking into that feeling and spreading your thighs for him, you squeaked and tried to sit up.
"Stop," you whined. You were still trying to keep quiet, but you had to raise your volume somewhat to be forceful.
You grabbed his hand on your chest and pushed it back down onto your stomach. Though all that did was give him the leverage to pull you onto his lap entirely. The chain connecting him to L rattled as your body scraped across it.
Finally, L turned his head and looked at the two of you straight on. He observed the way Light held you to his chest and continued ravishing your throat. His eyes scanned over the way you squirmed and tried shutting him down without making a scene. The thing that stood out the most though was Light's eyes staring back at him. They gleamed with self-satisfaction, smugness to a level that dared L to try something. The glow of the tv hit his copper irises in a way that made them look closer to a deep shade of red.
L swallowed hard, taking a few more moments to watch. He could see from your expression you were embarrassed but not entirely displeased with the affection. It felt like a swarm of insects tearing him apart from the inside, the knowledge you could still enjoy touches that came from someone else. He didn't think he had that ability anymore.
"She told you to stop," he cut in, bitterness dripping from each word.
Pulling his mouth away from your neck for a few moments, your boyfriend's attention zeroed in entirely on the other man in the room.
"And was she talking to you when she said it?" he asked pointedly.
A pause filled the gap in conversation after those words. Both men stared one another down, contemplating the next move in the verbal chess match. Light's arms remained firm around you. He didn't let you scoot back to the neutral position between the both of them.
"I thought you said we could do whatever we wanted in front of you. That we shouldn't pay you any mind. Act 'like you're not even here,'" Light continued.
"Maybe it's better that I am here if you don't know what the word 'stop' means," he fired back.
You finally found the courage to cut in after watching the two of them go back and forth.
"It's fine, Ryuzaki. We were just messing around. I'm sorry if we made you uncomfortable," you said, diplomatic as ever.
"It's not fine," he challenged you. For the first time ever, you saw L lose his cool. His eyes blazed with ire for both you and Light. He stood from the couch, maintaining his glare. "You never stand up to him and then wonder why he never changes!"
Your eyes widened at the outburst, but your expression quickly melted into that of an ashamed child. On the other hand, your boyfriend lost his sense of superiority and now just looked confused.
"What is he talking about?" he asked.
"I- It's not-" you started to stammer, but you're unsure of who to even address, let alone what to say.
L could see you were struggling. A small part of him felt some guilt for lashing out, but the whole of him knew he needed to. This game between the three of you had grown tiresome. All he did to help was stay quiet and give you the room to collect your thoughts.
Light didn't offer that courtesy though and spoke again. "What is he talking about? You wonder why I never change?" he echoed.
"It's not like that," you defended with urgency, "I don't wish you would change."
Disgust crept into L's eyes. Before, he'd always found your timidity endearing. It was like an extension of your intelligence. Modesty that you projected because you wrongfully believed you didn't fit in with everyone else.
Though this exposed the truth of that characteristic. It wasn't inherently precious or just some part of you that came from the desire not to hurt others.
Right now, it was cowardice.
"Maybe not anymore. His confinement must have changed you too," L said.
His words hollowed out your insides, leaving the cavern of your chest bare, spare the remaining shards of your heart. The room around you felt like a sinking ship. Everything you knew would soon be lost underwater.
"I haven't changed," you said, your initial defensiveness fizzling out, "You don't understand."
"My confinement?" Light repeated, ignoring your words to the other man, "Did something happen between you two while I was locked up?"
It was hard to keep up when accusations were flying at you from both sides.
"No! Just let me explain," you denied, "When you were gone, me and Ryuzaki got kind of close because there's no one else around here to really talk to, you know?"
"Talk," L choked out, "That's all we did, huh? Talk?"
"I didn't mean- I just... It's not-" you tried to continue. You could feel your throat closing up as your eyes began stinging with tears.
There was no way you were going to let yourself cry. Not when you knew you were so undisputedly in the wrong. It would probably just make this situation worse. The pain you caused wasn't hypothetical anymore, but there were still salvageable pieces of the shattered whole.
You took a deep breath before scooting off of Light's lap. His arms had long gone limp around your waist. Sitting between them on the sofa, you stared down at your thighs for a few moments. When you finally felt some semblance of courage, you brought your head back up.
Both of them were watching you in anticipation. L still had broken hearts gleaming in his eyes while angry confusion dominated Light's features.
"While you were in confinement, Ryuzaki and I..." you started softly. Even though trailing off left your crimes unspoken, you knew the implication was obvious to Light. You forced yourself to continue anyways, needing to take responsibility. "It started a little before that actually. We got close. And we did a lot more than talk."
You sucked in a shaky breath, conjuring the will to expel the next set of words.
"I was unfaithful. And I'm so sorry."
Your head hung in shame. The room fell silent, spare for the quiet dialogue coming from the characters on the television.
"You... you cheated?" Light finally sputtered, "You cheated on me?"
Turning your head, you looked at him before nodding. "I'm so sorry, Light. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I never meant to hurt either of you."
The words came out like a broken record as your eyes watered to the point of overflow. With stiff fingers, you brushed away the stray tear.
"Why?" he asked, his tone settling into anger.
"I felt alone. And you were so distant. And I didn't know how to talk to you. But I didn't even try," you explained. It felt cheap to try and provide an excuse.
"How the hell am I distant? We're with each other every single day!" he snapped.
"Yeah, but before... you were different before. You were so mean all the time!" you responded.
He didn't have anything to say back to that because part of him knew it was true. And as shitty as it felt trying to justify yourself, he still had never offered up a reason as to why that was. He left you to wonder what you had done even now that he acted like he actually wanted to be in a relationship with you.
"It just started as advice. That was it, I swear. He just offered to help me because he saw how I was feeling. Then it became something more, and I was wrong for letting it while we were still together. But then you went away and I couldn't do anything about it and we just got even closer. And I'm just so sorry," you whispered, "I don't expect you to forgive me."
L shifted back and forth on his feet before lowering himself onto the sofa again. He still said nothing. He just observed, waiting to see what Light would say next.
"Do you still... have feelings for him?" he asked, "Do you still love me?"
"Yeah, I still love you," you said and looked back up at him, "I know I did a shitty job of showing it, but I never wanted to lose you. I... I couldn't just let you go. We've always been each other's."
He diverted his focus when you whispered out your words of endearment for him. "You didn't answer both questions," he muttered.
Sighing, you paused. You mentally tried to decide how to answer. Speaking as if only you and Light were in the room would hurt L, but addressing him rather than your boyfriend probably wouldn't bode well for you either.
"What do you guys want me to say?" you whispered.
"Tell the truth. Be honest. Say what it is you want," L finally joined in.
"Say it instead of just taking it," Light added.
Even though their directions were clear, it still took a few moments to find the words you wanted to use.
"I want both of you," you answered, "I don't want to pick. I don't want to hurt either of you any more than I already have."
The room stayed quiet after your declaration. You could feel the weight of Light's stare, but L simply seemed resigned. Reaching out on both sides of yourself, you took their hands.
You wrapped your fingers around their palms. Your digits could feel the subtle differences in each appendage. Both were smooth and slender, though L's knuckles protruded more than Light's. Luckily, neither one of them made the move to pull away.
"I know it's stupid and childish and selfish, and you can call me all that stuff. Just please don't leave," you begged softly.
The lone tear from before was no longer a stray. More followed its path and trailed down the smooth curves of your cheeks.
After a few moments, you felt L's thumb begin to swipe back and forth over your knuckles. Always the more lenient of the two, he was already caving a little bit to the sight of you weeping.
"I can't leave," Light grumbled and raised his hand, reminding you of the binds that kept him here.
He wasn't as swayed by your display of emotion. His jaw remained clenched with his eyes set in a harsh glare. You could hear the process of his thoughts piecing together in his head, you just couldn't decipher what exactly they were.
"So what?" he said when he finally spoke again, "I'm not good enough for you anymore. I have to share you with him?"
"No. You are good enough for me. That's not why," you reassured. Squeezing his hand, you continued, "You don't have to share. If you want to dump me, I would understand. I just... I can't just pretend me and Ryuzaki never happened."
Blinking at you, he took in each word and let it float through his mind. He mostly understood your point despite the murderous anger flowing through him in that moment. And on top of that, the small piece of him that knew the smart thing would be to break up with you was dominated by the larger part of his psyche that refused to let L win.
If he broke up with you, there was no doubt in his mind that L would accept you with ease. Why should he get to have that? Why should Light be the one who ended up alone in this situation? You were his first, and you still wanted him. You'd strayed for a moment, but your heart still belonged to him. He was sure that in time he could erase any remnants of your infidelity. He just had to be patient.
"What does Ryuzaki think?" he asked before looking at the other man, "He's been so quiet. Does he think we should have you choose? Does he want you all to himself?"
L returned his stare past you. "I said what I think. I want her to have what she wants," he replied.
"Don't give me that," Light sneered, "This isn't a case. There's nothing you have to put together before coming up with a conclusion. Do you still want her? Do you still want her even if she can't make up her mind and thinks she deserves you and me?"
You cringed at the wording of his questions but decided not to interject. Instead, you waited for L's response.
"Yes. I still want her. Even under those circumstances," he admitted.
The revelation made Light both smug and bitter. Knowing someone else coveted what was his felt good, but realizing that same person had some success obtaining it ate away at him. He wouldn't make that apparent though.
"I just think it would be easier if we worked on solving the case first," you added, "If I pick one way or the other, someone will end up hurt and that would only cut into our chances of catching Kira."
"So what do you suggest we do instead then?" Light asked, "Do we all pretend like everything is normal? That neither of us feel anything for you, and you don't feel for us?"
"No, Light-" you tried to defend, but he kept going.
"Or is it that you really want us to share? You wanna sleep between us at night? Want us both to tell you how proud we are when you do something good? Want both of our attention focused on you?" he mocked.
"No, I just think we should talk about it," you offered. You felt your cheeks starting to burn.
"Talk about what? What plan did you have in mind?" he carried on, grabbing your jaw and making you look into his eyes.
"I don't know..." you acquiesced.
From your other side, L hardened his gaze a bit. "She already apologized and offered to come up with a solution, Light. Don't just try making her feel worse," he warned.
"I'm not. I'm just trying to get some clarity on the situation," he said, "I just want to know what she means."
You didn't have an answer for him because in all honesty, you didn't really know what you meant. This wasn't a daydream. It wasn't realistic to expect both men to just magically forgive your betrayals. This wasn't a fantasy world in which their love for you would overpower all other negatives. But you didn't want to contend with a reality that wasn't that way, so you remained silent.
That didn't deter Light from coming after you some more though.
"Just say what you were thinking," he encouraged, "Is it that you want both of us to call you baby and pretty girl and all those other sweet names I know you like? Or maybe it's less innocent. Do you have a thing for two guys at once that you never told me about?"
The warmth of embarrassment flooded your face in full force. You could barely think with the hot air swirling around inside your skull.
"No, Light-" you asserted. But again, he keeps going.
"No? Maybe you like being watched then? I know you love almost being caught. But do you want someone actually watching you?" he taunted.
"Light, this isn't doing anything to-" L tried to intervene on your behalf. But your boyfriend didn't want to hear it.
"Do you wanna show Ryuzaki how you like to be touched? Or is it that you wanna show me what I'm missing out on now?" he asked.
"That's not why!" you said and yanked your hand away.
He laughed in response. He had no problem continuing to stare you down either.
"Maybe not entirely, but I know you. I know there's a small part of you that gets off on being caught." he accused.
And that was true. Having known you for so long, he knew what revved your engine. You'd told him all your dirty little secrets and darkest desires. Now that he was openly using them against you, you weren't sure how to refute him.
"Yeah, but this is more..." you said.
"I know it is, but you don't want it to be more right now, do you? That was your point. That we should save deeper discussion until after the case."
You nodded, hoping he would maybe ease up now.
But his grin only grew more severe. He mimicked your nod.
"Alright. I think I could come around to accept that idea," he told you, "I just need some more convincing. Maybe you and Ryuzaki could persuade me."
You eyed him nervously, wondering what exactly it was he planned on as methods of temptation. Turning your head, you found that L was just as lost as you.
"How?" you asked.
"Show me. Show me what I missed out on when I was off proving my innocence. Show me what you can't just throw away. Show me what was worth risking everything for," he commanded.
Your lips parted as the thunder of your heart pounding boomed through your ears. His request was pretty obvious, but you just couldn't believe it. It didn't sound like anything Light would have ever asked for. But then again, he probably would have marked cheating down as something you'd never do.
You moved your eyes to L in an attempt to gauge his reaction. He seemed just as stunned and uncertain as you though.
"C'mon. Don't act all shy now. I doubt you two had any problems when you were doing it behind my back," Light said.
"Light," you pleaded, your lip jutting out a bit.
"What?" he asked, colder than before.
"Are you sure you want us to... do that?" you checked.
"You're only going to hurt yourself more," L added.
"I don't need you speaking on my wellbeing," he said to the other man before redirecting to you, "I'm sure. I want to see what I'll be getting out of sharing you. So go ahead. I'm sure you've been missing him since I came back."
A pit formed in your stomach. Your vision shifted from one guy to the other. It was true that you'd missed L a lot as of late, but this was not how you'd envisioned your reunion at all. You didn't want to lose either of them though, and if this is how you went about that, then so be it.
"You want me to..."
"Kiss him," he directed.
A spasm overtook your heart, but you suppressed it with a deep breath. You then turned to L. He was right there, seemingly waiting for you to take that step. With one last look at Light, you refocused completely on him.
You scooted a little closer to his side of the couch and started to lean in.
"Are you sure?" he murmured before your arrival.
You only nodded in response before pressing your lips to his.
Your eyes fluttered shut and then so did his. You melted into the exchange with no real issue. You hadn't really kissed L in what felt like forever. Even under the awkward circumstances, you wouldn't let a chance to have him like this slip through your fingers.
He cupped one of your cheeks with his hand, the other slid around your waist. His lips moved in tandem with yours. In no time, your mouths found a perfect rhythm to share. He guided you into his lap now, situating you between his thighs.
Your quiet moan spilled into the air. You ran your hands up his chest, fingers caressing his lean figure through his clothing. His hand on your back squeezed your flesh and pulled you closer.
"She has a spot on her back that makes her go crazy," Light offered from the sidelines.
"I know," L said back before locking you into another kiss.
You glanced over at Light with shyness clouding your eyes. He had leaned back into the corner of the couch and openly watched you make out with L. His legs were spread while his arms draped over the backing and arm rest.
Butterflies erupted in a constant stream in your belly. Being observed by one while being kissed by the other felt like nothing you'd ever experienced before.
If L minded as much as you, he didn't show it. He kept himself focused entirely on kissing you. His tongue traced the seam of your lips before sliding into your mouth and dancing with your own. The hand that had been massaging your back moved to grope your hips.
You whimpered for him before leaning into his body more. He took your eagerness for him in stride and cradled you in the perfect position to make out.
For a while, it felt just like before. Like it was just you and him. You wrapped your arms over his shoulders and reciprocated his movements like it was the most natural thing in the world.
After a while of kissing, his right set of fingers trailed down your body. They delved beneath the waistband of your sweatpants, finding their place between your thighs. Over your panties, they stroked your cunt. The sudden burst of stimulation made you gasp against his lips.
With another little whine, you parted your legs a few inches for him. His digits took advantage and worked with more skill to stroke your clit and tease your slit.
"Is this how it started?" Light asked, reminding you of his presence again.
Reluctantly, you pulled away from L and turned to look at him. With droopy eyes and puffy lips, you tried to register the question.
"Kinda," you mumbled.
Even though you were talking, L didn't stop petting your pussy. He only seemed more dedicated to the task. He hooked his chin over your shoulder and laid some kisses along your jawline.
More little noises of pleasure seeped out of you, but Light continued with his questions.
"Kind of? Did you just kiss the first time? Or did you let him touch you like this too? Maybe even more?" Light mocked.
"I didn't-" you started to defend, but L nipped at your throat, making you stutter. You whined before continuing, "It was just different."
"I'm sure," Light mocked.
You wanted to argue more, but L tugged the damp cloth of your underwear aside and slotted his fingers against your folds. He swirled them around your little bundle of nerves as his mouth worked on your neck. You arched your back, pressing your ass against his thigh.
"No more lying," he whispered near your ear, "Be honest about how good I make you feel."
Your eyes fluttered at the command while his fingertips continued toying with the most sensitive part of you. They rubbed a little more before sliding down and dipping into your entrance.
"It feels so good," you whimpered, sinking further into his embrace.
"That's right," he purred.
His fingers worked into your dripping hole with ease. He pumped two in and out, stroking your inner walls as they scissored inside you.
From the other end of the sofa, Light watched the outline of L's hand move beneath your pants. He studied the way your head fell back and how your shoulders relaxed. It was like being able to watch your shared intimate moments from another perspective. Anger and betrayal still brewed inside him, but they were becoming less volatile with every little squeak you made.
"I missed feeling this perfect pussy. So soft and wet for me," L whispered. He nosed at your neck for a moment before licking up to your earlobe.
You shuddered in response. "I missed you more," you breathed.
Your hips bucked against his wrist when his fingers curled within and brushed up against a sweet spot. You mewled without any regard for volume. The sensations he brought you were your only concern.
Light bit the inside of his bottom lip. His breathing became a little heavier. He had never been with anyone but you. And you'd never been with anyone but him until L. Seeing someone else explore you like this made him feel something he couldn't articulate.
While watching, he imagined a few months ago when your relationship wasn't in the best place. He envisioned the days his words left you with tears in your eyes and a broken heart thumping between your ribs. Those were the days that brought you to L. He tried picturing it now, you after work, finding comfort in the other man. Finding refuge from the one who was supposed to love you more than anyone in this world.
But Light did love you. Even after all of this, he was sure of it. And more than that, he still believed he was the best person for you. He'd known you forever after all. Longer than anyone else in his life or yours besides parents. When he looked at you these days, sometimes he still saw the girl who used to write her initials on the tips of his sneakers during recess. You'd get the same look in your eyes working on the case now that you used to get filling out study guides in school. When you laughed, it rang out the same, and when you cried, your lip quivered like it did the time you skinned your knee on the way to his house.
He couldn't forget any of that even if this did hurt him worse than anything else he'd ever felt before, and he wouldn't let this thing with L take you away from him. He'd just have to hold out until you all caught Kira, and the two of you could move on.
The only thing he felt a little alarmed by right now was that holding out didn't seem like such a chore any more. Despite his pain, he couldn't deny the way his cock was filling out in his pants as he watched you get felt up and pleasured by someone else.
"My turn," he mumbled as he forced himself to return to his senses, "I want a turn with her before we share."
You blinked yourself back to reality as you felt his voice wedging between you and L. The man who'd been kneading your breasts while fingering you reluctantly pulled his digits out of your cunt and then removed his hand from your sweatpants. He gave you a few more gentle pecks to your throat before giving you a nudge back to your boyfriend.
Crawling towards Light, you didn't make it all the way there before his arms came out and dragged you close. His lips crashed against yours in an instant. Your noses bumped and his hands squeezed you tight. Despite the haste of it all, you had no problem matching his movements. You knew Light's body as well as you knew your own.
Your hand slid up into his hair, giving it a soft tug in the way you knew he liked. He moaned against your lips and kissed harder. Everything he was doing felt familiar, just at an increased volume.
"You're still mine," he whispered against your lips before making out with you in full again. He didn't give you a chance to respond before his mouth was back on yours.
You whined into the kisses, sinking into the cushions below you as he laid you out across them. His lips worked down over your neck in a similar pattern to L. He worked on marking the side of your throat the other man hadn't touched while his hands roamed your torso.
Squirming a little beneath him, your head tilted back against the couch, and you found yourself looking up at L. When your eyes met, his hand came out and stroked your cheek. He swiped his thumb back and forth over the curve of it.
"Can't have you forgetting about me," Light muttered between pecks to your neck.
"I didn't," you breathed. You wrapped your legs around his waist and tightened them.
He hummed in acknowledgement before rolling his hips against you, allowing you to feel his bulge grind between your thighs.
"Since you want us both, I'm gonna let you have us both," he whispered.
You turned your head and kissed along his cheek and temple. It didn't feel right saying 'thank you' to something like that, so you could only hope your touches would fill their place.
"Go sit in his lap. With your back against his chest," he commanded.
He then pulled off of you and allowed you to get up. Slowly, you rose off of your back and scooted in L's direction. He was ready to take you into his arms again. He positioned himself against the armrest of the couch and sat you on his lap like Light wanted. You could feel his stiff length poking against your ass as you did.
Once you were in place, Light leaned forward again and hooked his index fingers over the waistband of your pants. He pulled them down with your panties, leaving you exposed on top of L.
"Spread your legs, baby. I wanna see if you're ready," he said softly.
You obeyed and opened your thighs for him. L's hands dipped in and stroked the smooth skin on your inner legs, causing your cheeks to fill with heat again. Even though both men had seen you naked and felt every part of your body before, both of them doing it together was different.
Light's eyes trailed down your figure before landing on your center. They stared at the wetness gathered there, trying to judge if you could take them.
"Who knew you were so greedy? Almost soaked through your panties at the thought of two cocks at the same time," he mocked.
"At the same time?" you repeated. You knew you asked to be shared, but you didn't think he'd take it so literally.
"Mhm. You want us both, don't you? How else did you think this would work?" he smirked.
"I don't know. I thought you guys would like take turns or be on different sides or something..." you explained.
"No. If you want both, you're gonna really take both," he responded.
Shaking his head, he stood up and pulled his shirt off. L did the same behind you, letting it fall to the flood next to the couch. From there, Light unbuttoned his pants and let them crumple to the floor. He didn't show any awkwardness about revealing his body in front of another guy.
"Do you want your shirt off?" L asked, kissing the space behind your ear.
You nodded, and the both of you peeled it off your upper body before discarding it with his.
Light palmed himself over his boxers before sliding those down as well and letting his dick spring free. He gave his shaft a few lazy strokes while gazing at you. Below your body, L worked on pushing his jeans off and freeing himself from the confines of his pants.
"Think I'll let Ryuzaki have you first, and then I'll slide in too. I wanna see if you take him like you take me," he said.
L's dark eyes stared up at the other man. He didn't want to take orders from him, but then again, he couldn't really complain about the sentiment.
"Are you good with that?" Light asked, cocking his head while looking down at the man behind you.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he responded.
His arm wrapped around your waist, reaching down between your legs to rub at your clit a few more times.
"Are you ready, sweetheart?" he murmured to you in a much softer tone.
With nervous eyes, you nodded. You pressed your lips to his for a few more soft kisses. While you were occupied, he took the chance to adjust his position and line himself up between your legs. You felt the swollen head brush your entrance. The tip slid up through your folds, feeling your wetness before dragging back down.
Your heart pounded in your chest. This was really going to happen.
And then it did. He boosted his hips the slightest bit and popped it in. You whined as your walls fluttered, embracing his familiar length with ease.
He grunted and pushed forward. Slowly, his shaft entered you, sliding forward until he bottomed out. You let your head fall back onto his shoulder where you could nuzzle into his neck. His hands swept up over your curves and kneaded your malleable flesh.
Light watched from the same position, stroking himself as he watched someone else have you in a way he thought would forever only be for him.
"Does that feel good?" he breathed, "Does he know how to do it right? Just how you like it?"
A soft whimper puffed from your lips before you gave him a shy nod. L did know all the things you liked by now. He knew the perfect angle to rock his hips at and what speed you preferred. He knew how to make your mind melt out your ears by suckling on your pulse point. He knew all the dirty things to whisper in your ear that made you tighten up on him like a vise.
Light continued to observe. His eyes scanned over how L's hips began pumping into you. How his hands cradled your legs behind the knees. He listened for every wet squelch his cock brought out of you. Every hitched breath and whiny crack in your voice.
His length throbbed at the sight. It was the most fucked-up, perverse sense of pleasure he'd ever felt. It made him sick with lust. His hands trembled with the urge to reach out and interrupt, but he made himself wait.
He let L have a little more time with you. The other man sighed, nestling his face in the crook of your neck as he enjoyed the hot, tight euphoria wrapped around his cock.
Your eyes had fluttered shut after a few good nudges to your sweet spot. You lay against his chest, held up by his arms, totally pliable. Though even in your hazy state, you could feel Light's eyes bearing down on you, examining your every move.
But despite feeling his presence, it still sent a shockwave through you when he brushed the tip of his cock against your clit.
Your back arched off of the man beneath you as a sharp whine burst from your mouth. Smearing his sticky precum over your pulsing bud, he dragged the flushed end of his length back and forth. He moved at a slower pace than L. His movements only intended to tease you, not cause any true pleasure.
"L-Light," you moaned. You squirmed your hips, trying to entice him into giving you more.
His lips curled into a small smirk. "Hold still, babe," he chided, "I know patience isn't your strong suit, but you can wait a little more."
Whining again, you gyrated your hips a few more times. L groaned at the added stimulation; the motions worked your walls around him just right. He rutted up into you with more force, which only drew more noises from you.
Light took a deep breath, working himself up. He reached forward and grabbed your calves with precise fingers. His touch was gentle but calculated like it always was. Even in what was supposed to be the heat of passion, he made sure things played out according to his plans.
One of his hands dropped to guide his cock down to your entrance. A quiet moan escaped him as L's shaft brushed his sensitive ridge. He shuddered, but he didn't back away. He pushed with more intention and watched as you started to split open around him too.
A gasp tore through you. Your pussy burned as it struggled to take both of them. You writhed desperately, trying to find a position of reprieve. L came to a stop inside you and adjusted to hold onto your hips to keep you in place.
"Shhh, you're doing so good," he cooed while his digits rubbed small circles into your skin, "You can take it."
Light's jaw clenched as he ground his teeth. His breaths became more labored as he worked himself in all the way. It was so fucking tight. The feeling of L's dick pressed up against his own was also something he'd never felt before, but something he found himself really really liking.
"You wanted us to share," he grunted, "This is how it feels."
After a few moments, you started to settle again. Four sets of fingers coasted across your body, leaving little chills in their wake. The stretch between your thighs still stung, but pleasure began overriding it as L started moving again.
He thrust a few times, letting you get used to the sensation again. Then Light worked his hips back and forth. Your toes curled, and your breaths puffed out with broken whines in between.
Both of them found a rhythm that worked in tandem with the other. Grunts, groans, and sighs echoed all around you. Every inch of your body was in contact with one of them. Your head spun from the total overstimulation along with the ecstasy burning in the pit of your belly.
"Fuck... so much... feels like so much..." you babbled.
"Yeah? A little whore like you was made for it though," Light mocked.
Your eyes rolled back and you gushed around him. The words shot through with flaring sparks of bliss. In the past, Light could get a little bold with you sometimes, but never like that. He could see the effect his tone had on you, but he didn't make any move to lessen it. He only fucked into you harder.
"You're so pretty," L added from behind your ear, "You're being such a good girl for us."
With Light now holding your legs, he moved his hands to toy with your breasts again. He pinches and tweaks your nipples, getting you to recreate those cute little squirms from before.
"So fucking needy," Light taunted, "Can't even hold still."
"It's not my fault," you pouted.
L chuckled and kissed your ear, continuing to play with the tender nubs on your chest.
"It's alright, sweetheart. Feels good when you move like that," he soothed.
Another whiny sound of need flowed from your lips before you melted back against the man behind you. Coherent thoughts could no longer form in your head. Not when you felt so full. So fucking stretched to the limit.
Light could see you fading. He pumped himself in harder, his balls swinging and brushing against the base of L's cock. His rich eyes watched the man below you. He took in his slight changes in expression when you clamped around them. He noted how his eyes softened when you let out a little squeak.
After a few moments of his staring, L finally looked up at Light. He could tell he had something to say from the intensity in his gaze
"I thought you said we were friends," Light grunted, "Do friends fuck their friend's girlfriend behind his back?"
"I didn't lie. If I didn't consider you my friend, I wouldn't have hesitated to take her all for myself," L answered, calm in spite of the situation.
Your boyfriend's glare hardened, but a fire burned within him. He wasn't sure what it was. The carelessness? The challenge? He couldn't pinpoint it, yet something about what L said worked him closer to the edge. He felt the coils of release constricting within him.
His focus shifted to you. He saw the way your head bobbled around as though you weren't even conscious. Reaching out, he grabbed your face. Your cheeks squished under the pressure of his fingertips, and your glossy eyes opened again.
"Sluts don't get to pass out, baby. Keep those pretty eyes open. Want you looking at me when you lose it," he said.
"Sorry..." you hummed as you came back to reality.
L's hands hadn't stopped groping at your tits. After Light finished talking, he swooped in with his gentler voice.
"Are you getting close? You gonna cum all over both of us?"
You mewled and nodded, harsh breaths leaving you. Seeing how eager you are, Light's hand released your jaw and found your cunt instead. His fingers roughly rubbed at your clit, ripping more cries out of you. He spit down onto your already soaked folds.
"Let go then," he directed, "Cum for us. Let's see you finish."
His commanding words struck you and spurred you onward towards the finish line. Your hips bucked as your body quivered with the need to explode.
You finally found release when both of them thrust in unison, striking the right spots to throw you over the edge. Your body rolled with the waves of pleasure crashing over you. You could feel their hands still on you. Their palms rubbed while their fingers caressed and teased you through it. Both of their breathing became stilted as you squeezed around them impossibly tight.
L was the first to let go and allow himself to ride out the high with you. He spilled himself inside you with a few jerks of his hips and a whine erupting from his mouth. Burying his face against your throat, his arms encircled you tight.
Light kept thrusting, working you both through it. He hit his own high as you both began to come down from yours. A strangled groan fell from his lips. He tilted his head back before leaning forward and collapsing into your chest. His hips rutted forward, pumping the last of his spend into you.
It was a little difficult with Light's added weight on top of you, but L managed to wriggle his hips and pull himself out. As soon as his length popped out, you felt the stinging subside almost instantly. A dull ache replaced it. You didn't imagine walking anywhere far for at least the next twenty-four hours. Their shared loads leaked from you, seeping out around your boyfriend's softening length.
L was the most lucid of the three of you. With care, he shifted his position and held you against his chest from the side. Light still lied with his head over your pounding heart. Eventually, he eased his cock out of you. He didn't worry about the mess right now. You all could clean up in a little bit.
He turned his head to look up at you. His eyes met yours, and for the first time since he found out, he looked more hurt than anything else. You studied the expression before stroking his cheek and planting a tender peck on his lips.
"I'm sorry," you whispered.
He didn't say anything back. Instead, he closed the centimeter gap again and kissed you once more. The few seconds your lips were connected could feel like none of this mess was real. When your skin was on his, it was just you and him.
Your fingers threaded into his soft hair as L's digits rubbed your back. He sighed at the gentle touch, allowing himself to enjoy it for a few moments before he rose and leaned back.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he looked at the two of you.
"So... you really want to try and just... do this? Until we find Kira?" he asked.
"If it's ok with you..." you replied. You half expected him to laugh in your face before walking out. But he doesn't do anything so bitter.
He nodded. Worse than anything else, you could see on his face he really did intend on trying. He was going to try his hardest at this for you.
You reached forward and took his hand, guiding him closer to you again. "We can figure it out as we go. And then when we're done, we can all decide what to do together," you offered. You glanced up at L to make sure he was ok with that too, but the quick nod he gave you told you he was.
"Alright," Light agreed.
As a seal, you gave them each a soft kiss before smiling a little. Once you began to settle back in and grabbed the remote to change what played on the tv, both men's eyes found each other's in a silent, temporary truce.
Then Light looked to you again.
"Maybe you'd wanna play that game again?" he suggested, trying not to seem too soft about it.
Your eyes lit up, and you straightened out a little. "That would be so fun. Maybe you guys will be more relaxed about it this time," you teased.
He rolled his eyes and shook his head but didn't protest too much.
"You could try out that thing I told you with the shell. Maybe you'll win this time around," L added to Light as you got up to fix your clothes and start up the game.
"Maybe. You can't finish first every time, you know," he responded.
They both settled back into the couch after readjusting their own clothing. The familiar music started up on the tv as you handed them both controllers. Even though the situation between the three of you wasn't completely resolved, for the first time in months, you didn't feel the weight of secrecy across your shoulders.
・❥・ summary: you're bored at home so decide to tease seunghyun while he's filming on his latest music video. when he gets home, he decides to put the desperado chair and some duct tape to good use.
・❥・word count: 2.5k
・❥・warnings: 18+, mdni. unprotected p in v, oral (f receiving), bondage (reader gets tied up and gagged), choking, edging, orgasm denial, dirty talk, dominant!seunghyun, rough sex.
・❥・ authors note: ...so yeah, this is a thing i wrote. i was too scared to read it back so if it sucks im sorry!! pls enjoy but this scene had me reeling and you know your girl had to write something. also, pls dont actually use duct tape if you engage in this kinda stuff irl 💀
Seeing Seunghyun get his confidence back was so sexy. For so many years, he had been a shadow of himself but over the last few years, you’d had the honour of seeing him gain his confidence and become the person he’d always wanted to be. Everything about the way he moved, talked, made decisions these days was filled with so much determination — it was a beautiful sight to see. After everything he had been through, he had become one of the bravest men on the planet. You felt like the luckiest person in the world that you got to be by his side through the whole journey. Seeing him go from rock bottom to the man he was now? There were no words to describe it.
“I’m so bored,” you mumbled to yourself. The apartment was empty sans you. Seunghyun was busy working on his newest music video which meant you were left at home. You liked your peace and quiet — that was one of the reasons you and Seunghyun meshed so well together but on the days he was out or away, it always felt more lonely.
It was like he knew because suddenly your phone vibrated that you had held in your hand. Unlocking the screen, you smiled when you opened the text. It was a photo of Seunghyun on his video shoot. The unbuttoned white shirt, the suspenders, the duct tape he was holding — he looked so good. You bit your lip, staring at the photo. Maybe you could have a little fun.
Since you were having a lazy day, you were only wearing one of Seunghyun’s oversized sweaters and your panties which gave you an idea. As you padded through the apartment, you stopped as your eyes spotted the chair he’d used in the Desperado video he’d filmed a couple of weeks ago. Of course he’d brought it home. That man had an obsession with chairs. You could use that to your advantage. With a grin on your face, you sat yourself down on the chair, straddling it like he had in the music video — you’d been on set that day so you knew everything about it. Then, you pulled your phone out, angling the shot perfectly and sent it to him with the caption ‘bring the duct tape home’. It was barely seconds before you had a reply.
Will be home in about ten minutes. Be on that chair when I get in.
A thrill went through you as you read the words on your screen. Time seemed to tick by slowly as you waited, turning around to sit on the chair properly. When you heard the front door open, you shivered with anticipation. What you didn’t expect was him to walk into the room still in the outfit from the photo he’d sent you. He was so damn sexy, the way his shirt was unbuttoned at the top, his hair a little messy and god, the holster — your thoughts ran crazy but what caught your eye the most was the duct tape in his hands. So he had listened to you.
Seunghyun kept his eyes locked on you, a devious glint in them as he spoke. “Sending me a photo of you sitting like that on this chair while I’m at work… were you trying to get me worked up?”
“I was bored,” you replied nonchalantly. “Don’t tell me that innocent little photo got you all hard now, baby.”
“Oh, it did and you’re about to pay for it,” he said with a smirk. “Now, be a good girl and put your hands behind the chair.”
You obeyed immediately, placing your arms behind the chair. Your eyes were glued to him as you eagerly watched him pull the tape out, moving behind you to wrap around your wrists, keeping you tied to the chair. He made sure it wasn’t too tight; the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. Once he was happy with it, he threw the roll of tape on to the floor, moving to stand back in front of you. He leaned over you, using one hand to pull the tie from his face. “Up for a little fun, baby?”
You nodded your head. Whatever he had in store, you were more than game for. The confidence oozing from him was ever present now, it was so attractive. The Seunghyun from a few years ago would never even dream of being this bold. Not that your sex life had ever been boring but since he’d come back into himself, he had upped his game. Now, with the tie in his hand, he stuffed it into your mouth, tying it around the back of your head. His fingers grasped your chin, lifting your head up to meet his eyes. “I don’t want to hear a sound out of you, okay? The second I hear anything from that pretty mouth of yours, I’ll stop.”
All you could do was nod your head, watching as he got on his knees in front of you, his hands spreading your legs apart. His fingers trailed up your thighs until they reached the waistband of your panties, hooking into the fabric. He tugged them off you, tossing them to the floor without a care in the world. Then, as if to torture you on purpose, he began trailing kisses all the way up from your ankle and along up to your inner thigh. He couldn’t help himself as he bit down, sucking to mark up your thighs. The hardest thing in the world at that moment was to not make any noise, his movements so deliberately sensual, driving you crazy. When his lips finally reached where you wanted him the most, pressing a kiss right above your clit, you bucked your hips. But, he tapped your thigh lightly, glaring up at you.
“Stay still or I’ll stop,” he said, his tone commanding. “You know how to be a good girl, don’t you? Then, do it.”
When he was sure you were going to stay still, he finally dove back in between your legs, dragging his tongue all the way from your entrance up to your clit. He groaned as he tasted you. Seunghyun threw your legs over his shoulders, leaning back in. His lips wrapped around your clit, sucking, causing you to writhe which earned another tap to your thigh. He let that one go, his tongue moving along your folds with expertise. When he reached your entrance, he pushed his tongue inside, pulling back out to move back up to flick at your clit.
“You taste so fucking good, princess,” he panted, sealing his lips back around your clit. He could tell you were close with the way your chest was moving rapidly with ragged breaths. “Come on, cum for me, baby. I know you want to.”
The vibrations of his voice against you were sending you into overdrive, you could help the muffled whimper that fell from your lips. Immediately, he stopped, looking up at you with glistening lips. “Naughty girl,” he tutted. “Now you don’t get to cum until I say so.”
As if to punish you, he slowed the movements of his tongue, going ever so slowly. His fingers teased your entrance, slipping one finger inside, moving it slowly to join the movements of his mouth. You were on the edge, desperate to fly over it but he wasn’t going to let you. When he pushed another finger inside you, curling them just right, you felt like you were about to burst.
“Aw, do you want to cum? Should’ve behaved then, huh?” He taunted you, pumping his fingers faster, curling them just right each time to stroke that spot inside you that had you wanting to topple over into oblivion. When he felt your walls clenching around his fingers, he stopped, denying you your orgasm.
His tongue kept slowly working your clit, sucking and flicking with determination to drive you crazy. The frustration was evident in your eyes as he looked up at you with a smirk. God, if you could only move your hands and push his head down to make him go faster but, no. He had tied you to the damn chair. You didn’t dare trying to even wriggle out of the tape knowing that he’d deny you your release once again. Now, he sped up the movements of his fingers, never taking his eyes off you. Once again you reached the edge and, deciding you’d behaved enough, he nodded.
“Cum for me. Right now.”
It took that one simple command for you to fall apart. Your body tensed, your release coating his fingers and mouth but he didn’t let up, his tongue working overdrive on you, his fingers still thrusting into you at a rapid pace. He was determined to drive you straight into a second orgasm and it worked. You couldn’t help but cry out, the sound muffled by the tie in your mouth as you reached your second orgasm in record time.
“Good girl,” he praised, gentling his touches. He pressed a kiss to the top of your center, removing his fingers from you, gentle kisses along your thigh followed before he moved his hand up to your face. Instead of licking his fingers clean himself, he pulled the gag from around your mouth, pushing his fingers inside. “Clean up the mess you made.”
Your tongue swirled around his digits, his cock rock hard in his pants as you licked his fingers clean. It was so erotic, your body already craving more. “Such a good girl coming so hard for me. I think you deserve a reward, don’t you?”
He pulled his fingers from your mouth, standing up to claim your lips with his in a filthy, deep kiss. He held your chin in place, his other hand moving to remove the tape from your wrists, finally freeing you.
“Fuck,” you panted against his lips, chasing them when he pulled back.
He palmed himself through his pants, eyes locked onto you as he took in your expression — your flushed face, parted lips and the way you were still catching your breaeth back had him wanting to fuck you right then and there. “Go wait for me in the bedroom and take that fucking shirt off. I want to see all of you.”
You got to your feet on shaky legs, heading to the bedroom but not without a slap on the ass from him as you left. The moment you entered the bedroom, you pulled off your shirt, laying on the bed completely bare for him. It was a few minutes later when he walked in, undoing the buttons on his own shirt. He wasted no time in throwing it off, taking his time as you watched him remove his pants and boxers. He smirked, deciding to tease you a little more as he grasped his cock in his hand, stroking himself slowly.
“Beg for it,” he rasped, using all his self control to not pounce on you immediately. He needed to hear you say how much you wanted him.
“Please, Seunghyun. Fuck me, I’ll be a good girl just fuck me,” you whined, watching as he ran his own thumb against the tip of his cock, gathering his precum to glide his hand across his length easier.
“Legs up and spread,” he said, leaving you no room for arguments. You planted your feet on the bed, knees bent as you parted your legs for him. Seunghyung groaned at you on full display. “So fucking beautiful.”
He climbed on top of you, positioning himself at your entrance but he didn’t push in, not yet. He dragged his cock along your folds, gathering your slick. Each run of his cock made you whimper, needing to feel him inside you. “Please, baby, I’ll do anything.”
“Look at you, begging with no shame, you’re so desperate,” he pouted, mocking you. He pushed the tip of his length inside you just briefly before pulling out to move back along your folds. “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll give you exactly what you want.”
Then, when he lost all of his patience, he pushed into you, his cock sliding in with ease. He let out a guttural groan, holding himself still so he didn’t cum right then and there. You writhed, trying to get him to move but he held your hips firmly still. “Move, please, oh my god.”
“Well, since you asked so nicely,” he smirked, pulling all the way out before slamming back into you, setting a hard, fast pace from the get go. He pounded into you, the room filled with your moans and his groans. His lips claimed yours for just a second before moving down to capture one of your nipples, his tongue swirling around the sensitive bud.
“Fuck, oh my god, don’t stop,” you cried, your hands coming to tug at his hair. His pace was relentless, each drag of his cock sending you closer and closer to yet another orgasm.
He didn’t, instead, he speeded up leaving you crying out incoherent moans of his name. He was so close to the edge himself. His hands moved to wrap around your neck, squeezing lightly. Seunghyung loved it when you were like this, so submissive, ready to take anything that he gave you. “You want to cum, princess? I can tell your close, your pussy is squeezing me so fucking tight.”
“Yes, yes, please, can I?” You managed to breathe out, as he pulled one of your legs around his waist, deepening the angle of his thrusts. When he hit that spot inside you, it was game over but you waited for his approval.
“Yes,” he panted. “Cum all over my cock like a good girl.”
His name fell from your lips practically in a scream as you came harder than you ever had, your walls tightening around him but he didn’t give up, not yet. He kept thrusting into you, sloppily, his own release on the verge.
“Just like that,” he groaned, thrusting into you one more time before he came, spilling deep inside you. “Fuuuck.”
Seunghyun held your hips in place until he had filled you up, finally collapsing on top of you, his hand still on your throat. It was a few minutes before either of you could even speak, the room filled with nothing but your heavy breaths and pants. Finally, he lifted his head, moving his hand up to cup your cheek, speaking softly.
“Amazing,” you said dreamily, running your fingers through his hair.
He couldn’t help but laugh, kissing you softly. Gently, he pulled out of you, grabbing some tissues off the bedside to table to wipe up the mess he’d made. His touch was ever so gentle, a completely different contrast to the way he had just been fucking you. Tossing the tissue into the trash, he laid down beside you, scooping you up into his arms. He stroked your back, pressing soft kisses to the top of your head.
“That was…”
“Amazing.”
“Is that all you can say right now?” He teased.
“I think so,” you giggled, pressing your lips to his chest. “You made me speechless."
“Then I did my job right,” he smirked, cupping your cheek to bring your lips back to his. “We’ll have to do that again sometime.”
anakin who's soso sweet and gentle all while having you folded absolutely gutting your insides out 😕😕😕 !! he's soo attentive and understanding cus that's his baby !!!!
warnings: explicit sexual content, vaginal sex, intense dom!anakin, mention of belly bulge/fullness, tears & overwhelmed crying from pleasure, praise, rough but gentle dynamic (he’s careful but still fucks her deep), overstimulation, established relationship.
you’re soft under his hands, bare skin warm as your breath trembles out your chest. he looks at you for a second, dark eyes warm and wanting all at once.
he’s gathered you up gently, your knees folded up toward your chest, so pliant it almost hurts. he’s careful, but he isn’t shy about it: the stretch burning in that dizzy, perfect way, your chest arching up into him— he’s nestled so deep inside it steals the words right off your tongue.
“you’ve got no idea what you do to me,” he grits, voice full of that aching intensity only he could carry. he braces his gloved hand against the mattress— the other, warm and calloused, ghosting over your cheek.
it spills a trembling sound from your lips, your nails digging uselessly into the hard muscle of his shoulders. he doesn’t flinch, doesn’t stop, just keeps you there: folded open, your body twitching under the weight of him.
the length and thickness of him sinks through you — the drag of every thrust giving your belly the faintest swell each time he bottoms himself out.
“do you see that, my love?” his voice roughens, almost hushed, like he can barely believe it himself. “how full you are… stars…”
your lashes dampen with tears, breath catching in little sobs that melt into moans. it knocks something raw from your chest — a half formed “a‑ani…” whimper when his hips roll deeper, itching a spot inside that makes your vision blur.
he leans closer, forehead nearly touching yours, curls damp at his temple. “too much?” he whispers, so close you feel the words against your mouth. his forehead almost rests on yours, sweat beading at the hollow of his throat. even asking, he doesn’t quite stop — hips still pushing himself slow and deep.
you shake your head, barely — your voice catching in your throat. his thumb brushes your cheek again, softer than anything, and you swear you could cry from it alone.
“that’s my girl,” he murmurs, voice breaking gentle and low. his hand traces down, fingers pressing light against your belly, feeling the way he’s filling you so deep it aches. “taking me so well…”
he watches it all, gaze dark and warm, so full it makes your heart feel too big in your chest.
and the way he keeps you folded, so careful even when it’s overwhelming, makes you feel breakable in the sweetest way — like he’d die before letting you slip away.
“my sweet love,” he rasps again, hips rolling deeper, your breath hitching sharp. “always so good for me… always…”
it lingers like that— your heartbeat skittering under his touch, everything else falling quiet around the steady, aching closeness. and in that hush, it feels like he could keep you right there forever… ♡
germansingergirl
annaxmalina
origamiaround
gummygunk
2087
