Don't Leave Me Alone

I'm sorry if you stumble across this. I only speak the truth.

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

death

i thought about stabbing myself today. it’s a terrifying thought. how you can literally kill yourself and be gone in minutes. and everything will go black and you’ll never be able to do anything again. the thought was horrifying. you’ll never see anybody you love. you’ll never hear your favorite song, taste your favorite food or see the sun set over the horizon again. you’ll never be able to dance or share laughter with close friends. your family will disappear and life will be gone. but underneath all of this, the thought still crosses my mind every once and a while. and it’s not comforting knowing that it can happen so fast.

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

12/14/16

you you’re that one piece of familiarity  left in this  sad, broken down world i miss you, you; your hair blowing in the sea breeze as the waves pound  loudly against my  eardrums  you; i saw you in my  dream last night standing in the  pouring ran, kneeling down beside the  gravestone we  laid flowers beside on that dull summer afternoon you; your name sends chills down my spine your beauty and bursting kindness sends fireworks blasting into the dark world another year a year where bad things i  cannot avoid  will occur but your power  will outshine it  all i believe in you

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

12/08/16

maybe tonight or tomorrow,  will be  my last living day, on this horrendous  planet we call Earth 

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

12/04/16

For the first time in months, I have felt something something that wasn’t supposed to be  felt, but yet I still somehow get a  feeling fear fear strikes the beating heart that shouldn’t even be beating fear climbs down my  throat and chokes me until I cannot gasp  fear; even the word gives me that ungrateful feeling I didn’t want to feel a thing but yet god gave me something even he regrets

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

12/03/16 “Twenty Hours”

It feels like decades centuries  eons  before you told your goodbye without having to even say a single word I saw the message fly across  and knew something would not end with a glittering smile but does it ever? my heart is calm my thoughts are  numb, my body colder than it was just yesterday I lay in the same spot, waiting for your return but it’s something I don’t think will happen

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

12/03/16

I’ve grown numb,  again. I think this person I care about more than the stars, the moon, the planets,  and the whole  fucking galaxy; is gone. and if you know me personally, which you don’t, you know the moon means the world to me so comparing her to the moon means something important, and unforgettable  it started with goodbye not directed to  me, but a goodbye directed to her whole world; the people who  would take a  bullet for her I saw her goodbye and reached out too late, again. this past day since her goodbye has been agonizing. I wait for her return more than I wait for the moon and stars to light up my dark world I ask myself now, where is she? why is my mourning heart, which has been mourning too long, still breaking? why are the  moon and stars nowhere to be seen when I need them most? I need the moon’s guidance I need her strength and blazing love to show me the  way through this and to show me her new hello. Will the moon come out? I ask to nobody in particular, since she is the only  one I reach to when no one else  is there. and now she’s disappeared, and now the person I care about more than her is saying her goodbye I pray for this to not be the  final goodbye I pray for this to simply be the beginning for her.  to end her suffering, and pain and tears and everything that should never affect the person I care about most I watched her grow stronger, and stronger then her walls were crumbled down to nothing I watched them sink, watching mine too, and watching with blurred vision, unaware of the brutality until she goes missing this message goes out to her: I love you, you are the most important person in my entire life, and not having you here right now makes me not  want to exist for another second 

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

Help 12/2/16

I thought my thoughts were finally gone  and would ease  after that past night. no they haven’t eased; my wounds are bleeding a knife being dragged across my craving body, turned into a  nightmare no my thoughts won’t go away and no, i won’t get better these won’t go away until the war in my mind is gone. and that chance is one in a trillion. 

[sugarcoatedthoughtss]

11/26/16

I’m thinking of them and her again. I saw them yesterday completely out of the blue. My heart completely stopped, without exaggeration, and I felt faint. After an exchange of words, a close embrace, and promises of seeing each other again, I returned back to my normal reality. I saw her yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And the day even before that... I see her weekly at the same time. Sitting in a classroom expected to be silent. But I turn around every few minutes, quickly glancing, exchanging smiles, a few whispers that get scolded for. I see her in my dreams. I see her whenever I want to. I see her almost every single day. But I see them rarely.  Every single time my heart stops like the first time I ever saw them. It hurts to see them. It hurts even more to watch them go. And it looks like they don’t even care, even though I know they do in the most twisted way. But she cares. She always wants to be near me. She wants to plan things and be able to be near me whenever she can. She cares. But do they care? I don’t know. They’re gone after a while, going far out of my place I call home. It’s not like I can see them whenever I please. It’s difficult to even get out of my own home. But I would kill to see them again. Would I kill to see her again? Her: beautiful, shy, hilarious; always with a trick or two up her sleeve. Or them: fearless, unpredictable, bright; coming into the blue without even a warning. Maybe I would kill to see them both. But for now, both remain a mystery that my heart cannot. And shall not  solve.