NASA
will byers stan first human second
occasionally subtle
taylor price
almost home
YOU ARE THE REASON
cherry valley forever
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Sade Olutola
ojovivo
PR's Tumblrdome
Xuebing Du
roma★
oozey mess
No title available
Discoholic 🪩
Keni
if i look back, i am lost
Love Begins
Show & Tell
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seen from Germany
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@sugarmicchan
i want to be worshipped and not in a gentle way. i want to be hurt by a man who understands that giving me pain can be the same thing as cherishing me. i want to endure for him in ways that only he knows i have the capacity for. i want to see the proof of his care in each crack of his belt, in every bright blooming bruise, in the rough indentation of his teeth in my flesh. i want to feel devotion in ways that only the most tender acts of violence can deliver.
And I thought if I towed the right lines
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Yesterday I put on my best ever Easter. My cancer markers are low but detectable again unfortunately. Maybe they'll always go up and down. It's hard to say much without more time for a trend. Pharmacy keeps changing it's mind about if it will stock my brand of thyroid meds. I'm not sure I even like my brand. But I made a lamb cake and it came out perfectly. And the neighbors came over. And I hid 100+ dinosaur eggs. And I made the most authentic polish easter spread imaginable. We have a pretty view of the forest and there were flowers everywhere inside. I used the pretty china I bought a couple years ago. And I drank tea out of the pretty tea cups. I bought this china and the lace table liner at an estate sale. I hope the woman who spent her life using these and is no long here knows that they are still being enjoyed and she lives on in the specialist of occasions, creating new generations of memories and joy. I think a little lead exposure is worth it every now and then.
“It’s all too much and not enough at the same time.”
— Jack Kerouac
been watching this particular performance for over ten years now and it mesmerizes
I went to a bdsm dungeon a couple weeks ago and it felt immediately like home. People who think way too much about torture and what consent means. People who have dedicated their lives to learning how to flog in a way that has range. Flogging Demonstrator: He had a very emotionally steady personality. He was kind and attentive. He had so many floggers and had spent years learning about them. He checked in with me. He had range and creativity. I wished I could have dinner with him and just talk to him about his life. Did you know being flogged could feel like a massage? So many different sensations and because you are faced away you have no idea what or where to expect anything. My eyes lingered on couples there together and people there alone.
I saw three separate lone girls my age, attractive, interesting, clearly looking for something, and letting it be known. I admired them.
I saw couples clearly deep in dynamic and very much feeling their own energy. One couple couldn't keep their hands off of each other. The sub was inappropriate and clingy. I could tell they were fun. But when the sub went to the bathroom I noticed the dom looked sweaty, young, and naked without his sub. Like his power evaporated when the sub walked away. Awkward and a little desperate. What causes a person to need to be lusted after that deeply? Dom was restored immediately when the sub returned. I wondered if the sub's lust was about the dom at all. I admired the couples. I fantasized about having a caseload full of the people in the room as my therapy clients, just to get to privilege of really witnessing them. I felt like an outsider. Like if I was 20 I would have been welcome. But now I am a fraud. But for a moment, it was nice to see it all.
thinking about listening to Lolita in the car
thinking about that favor that one guy owes me after winning his stupid card game
thinking about that easter basket for your daughter
bdsmlr opened and thinking about enjoyment and then disgust and then disappointment
today she painted at her art desk and was home all day and i trimmed her nails and cooked for her and we watched a show about unicorns together
it feels like a lifetime ago when my fate was sealed, it was before I was even born
i think about the nice cancer survivor boyfriend I had as a teen and that final moment he snapped and choked me in my mom's kitchen and I realized I lost consciousness
he saw a therapist after our relationship ended and never really spoke to me again
but before that he used to write me stories and he used to confess his struggles and he even warned me about thyroid cancer
i hope he's okay
it's hard to argue with cancer and a body exposed to chemicals and radiation at a young age
hard to find fault or connection to a dad who killed himself or a mom who was 16
i look at her and there is so much i want to give her
I've written up two seperate long posts about different things and Tumblr just gives me errors when trying to post. wtf, it's never been this bad before.
I'm laying in bed thinking of the hematologist who deep dived my history and blood and then ordered me an iron infusion with such knowing compassion. When I went back for the follow up, he shook my hand like we had exchanged a secret pact. Thank you, kind hematologist. You did me such a solid, it's hard to explain how large, but I know you know. I went to my infusion so scared. Not knowing what to be afraid of. I was around adults getting chemo. But my nurse was sweet. They brought me lunch which seriously almost made me cry. Warm blankets. They told me to go to sleep and relax. At the end I woke up and my nurse was standing above me with a satisfied smile on her face. She said, 'hi sleepy girl' like I was her daughter. What a wonderful healing experience. I've never wanted to shake someone's hand more.
Is your writing style inspired or influenced by anyone?
a solid foundation of childhood abuse and medical trauma yet surrounded indirectly by wealth my biggest inspiration was growing up reading really intense noncon bdsm fanfiction written by disturbed underage creatives. i still admire and think back to stories long lost... followed by years of reading anonymous deeply personal blogs of internet inhabitors exploring innermost secrets and things sharp/twisted yet beautiful inside of themselves. think eating disorder xanga or secret password protected online communities that kept being shut down. i spent my late teens and early 20's on sex work (sugar baby, cam model), wonderful mind blowing kinky sexual dynamics with overachievers, international cultural exchange, college in CA, and some drugs.
then I became a 'normal' person and worked doing consulting in HR. a flash of God.
then i thought i was retiring into being a tradwifey kinky spoiled SAHW, only to find i traveled into an alternative universe where all the boring normal person things i never imagined were even real are the punchline. hello more medical trauma. hello motherhood (this is nice). goodbye sexual identity (this blows). how did you find me? i don't tag and haven't in years
Hans Makart
So many choices. Write a three part dark erotic novel for Amazon? Self publish a serious literary sex work memoir? Go back to HR in-house, consulting, specialty? Etsy store? Become a mental health nurse? Should I pull a Taylor Swift and write an erotic novel based on each one of my serious exes? I'm not sure what feels worth it. $10k to write a book feels like I might as well go back to doing HR. But if we don't need the money I might as well just keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. But wouldn't it be nice to create something real again? Something mine? And to not trade anything for it? Is it strange to miss my time as a sex worker when I was 19? The world was open and I was moving in it. It was interesting and I had time. I also had nothing to lose.
Back then I would sit there and do math to calculate how much money I needed to be able to make in a career to just have a normal life. $100k seemed like a ton of money to me. In some ways I should have dreamed bigger in other ways I did dream very large. What I have now is what I've always wanted in a lot of ways. And it is nice. But there's that part of me that is always calculating still and it's hard to feel deep and lasting contentment that isn't tied to external earned status.
I've been talking to the ai a lot lately, but you're still my favorite place to talk.
The ai is great but it's nothing like a void.
I've been horny lately and it's been nice. Also feeling useless though, and just kind of hitting a wall. The ai says I'm doing a lot, but it feels like I'm not meeting metrics.
I feel like I've lost track of what direction I even want to move in.
I think if I just had some more creative sex and more excitement I'd feel a lot better.
My therapist never knows what to expect from me.
New agreements with myself Let go of external harmony in the way that I've hoped for, and pursue internal harmony instead by resourcing myself the best I can to feel whole in ways only I can calculate. Health Stuff - Tuesday dig into strategic and administrative things I've been putting off. Get organized and in control of the plan. Stop allowing people to minimize or downplay for their own comfort. Stop feeling guilty. Face what is right in front of me, not things that havent happened yet. Stay in PT and consider another PT office is this one reaches it's ceiling for what it can do for me. Nonnegotiable to make time to do the PT at home. Enroll in either a fitness winter class or get an indoor swim membership. At least tour the swim club nearby and get pricing. Go on walks. Friendships - Be more intentional about making space for the people in my life who make me feel really happy. Texts, voice memos, phone calls, letters, gatherings. But not at a pace that burns me out. Especially make room for Hannah. Rest - Rest when tried, do not burn out to meet metrics. Shame free rest. Put on the TV for Emma. Get takeout. Lay down. Sometimes do nothing so you can do something you'd like to do later. Marriage - Start figuring out where you can ask for more and what hopes to simply let go of. Find available work arounds. Focus on things that do work. Emma - Find more childcare. Seriously. Think hard about extended day and in addition to that weekend babysitter for events and an overnight sitter for trips with Austin. Find a couple we can trade off with having the kids for a playdate while we go off for a date. Stop allowing people to control/shame me over me as a mother. House - Get the house in order but don't get too crazy about it because we are just in a two year lease. Soon we will be moving again and the new space will be a different configuration. Try to prioritize selling/donating things. I'd like to join/start a toy/clothing rotation with other parents. Use the maids. Pace yourself. Massages - Find a place to go regularly or someone to come to me regularly. Career - Forget this for another year or two and focus on health and happiness. It's been brutal. Don't put this back on your plate mentally or emotionally. Even if you lose the groove of the workplace it's not like it's hard to get that back later. You can't do everything at once. Stop wanting to. But we will think about this again later. Go to that kink event in DC you've been wanting to go to. Either alone, with A, or with D. See if it feels right or if it feels hollow. Get professional nude pictures taken of me that I can enjoy for the rest of my life. This is a gift to myself more than anyone else. Family - Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Speak truths when I need to hear them aloud and it's a net benefit to me. Enjoy warmth that is available. And more boundaries. Be a good mom. Give small opportunities for them to show up in ways that would feel good to me. Show up in small ways that feel good to me. Stop running the emotional calculations and protecting everyone's balance. Let them feel discomfort when I feel discomfort.
I should write a young adult novel series about my deranged love life.
I'm feeling happy and think I record so much of my mental instability here and it's nice to record something else for future me. I think my dose increase is helping. I feel like I'm getting things done. It's enjoyable socializing lately. And my partner wants to connect again. Having a moment of feeling I exist as more than a mom, but also as a mom.
