I have a weird relationship with my mom. I used to think she was the most beautiful person in the world and wanted to be just like her, but I don’t wanna be anything close to that anymore. She was a good mom until my dad started doing his fuck shit. I cry when people yell now because of both of them, but mainly her. I felt so unloved and unwanted as a child. I remember when she was in the hospital for months and I was living with my grandma and my aunt back and forth. I felt like I didn’t have parents anymore, I barely saw either of them. I went weeks without seeing either of them. I remember seeing my mom so frail and sickly, it was one of the scariest times of my life. I remember when my dad died like the back of my hand, any sense of innocence I had left was gone after that. You don’t ever recover from watching someone die in front of you, especially a parent. I was so young, no 11 year old should have to see that. I remember the weeks and months after that. No food in the house, no heat, no electricity, no hot water, no love, no support. I remember her yelling at the top of her lungs every day over things that didn’t matter in the long run. I lost my father, my only father, does a dirty dish really matter in the grand scheme of things? I remember being beat every day and her turning a blind eye to it. I remember skipping meals and sleeping when I was hungry instead. I remember being constantly sick from being in the cold too much. I remember not having enough money for pads or socks. I remember eating toast and ramen every day. I remember her telling me that I was turning into a person she didn’t like, at 10 years old. Being around her didn’t feel like walking on eggshells, it felt like walking on thumbtacks. I remember locking myself in my room and pushing all my furniture in front of my door to escape the abuse. I remember her telling me to deal with my problems myself. I remember getting my hair pulled, being choked, being punched and having things thrown at me for just defending myself. I remember being so lonely. Lonely to the point where I ended up in multiple abusive relationships just to feel something and to escape her. She put all her attention into the men she was seeing, but would never admit it. I was being raped and abused every night while she was blissfully asleep in the next room. I went to her room late at night one time when I was having a panic attack, and she told me to go to sleep and leave her alone. She told me no man would want to see my body after what I done to it and that I was useless. She told me she doesn’t like me as a person. Whenever I begged her for help, I just got punished instead. Then, got more punishment for the ways I figured out how to survive. I was only trying to get through the day, i swear. She was never there for me, but will take it to the grave that she did everything for me. I was an unwanted child, I was excess. I was always overlooked and undervalued. Nothing I did was good enough and I’m a failure for not doing more. The doctors recommended that she get an abortion when she was pregnant with me because I wasn’t supposed to be carried nearly as far as she carried me for, and I wish she just did it. She gave birth to a child she didn’t want and she never let me forget it. She never outwardly told me that, but the way I was constantly ignored said enough. The only time I got attention was from the multiple times she caught me cutting myself and the times I tried killing myself. Instead of comforting me and talking to me, she told me I was stupid and selfish and threw me into therapy. I skipped a lot of school, I did a lot of drugs, and I destroyed my body multiple times and she still couldn’t see that all I needed was my mother. She just cared about the next paycheck and her at the time boyfriend. I knew she didn’t really care about my well being when she pressured me to drop out of college to work more to pay the bills. I never had a chance. I’m tired of constantly trying to scratch my way to the surface with no help. I lost both parents the day my father died.