you will go back home after a long day, you will take off your coat, the scarf hugging your neck and the gloves embracing your slender fingers. slowly, there’s no rush, no one’s waiting for you at these hours of the night, where the sky is reaching its darkest shade and the stars shine the brightest, but never half as bright as the light in your eyes whenever a laugh breaks past the crimson colored petals that are your lips. you’ll probably be tired, and maybe a bit sad. the day was almost over, and yet, he hadn’t confessed, he hasn’t been as talktative and you have barely talked. you wanted to be understanding, ‘he’s on tour, he’s probably tired’. if we’re trying to open the box and spill all the secrets, then truth is, he was tired, but he would never be too tired when it comes to you, and you have barely talked, but he was too anxious, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of his shirt, with the rings around his long, slender digits. he was a nervous mess, he felt like crying, screaming and laughing; he had lost control of his emotions, waiting for an answer he knew he wouldn’t get anytime soon. say it’s because of the wide gap between your timezone and his current one, say it’s because he decided to drag it out until the last minute. whenever anyone threw the words “white day” at him, he just shrugged it off, like it was not important, like there wasn’t a name flashing for a brief second on his mind.
you’ll walk to your room after you take your shoes off, maybe after you drag your feet to the kitchen and drink a cold glass of water, maybe you’ll munch on something or maybe you won’t, that’s up to you. there’s something awaiting for you in your bed, a total of four white boxes of different sizes with a red bow on top of them scattered over the surface neatly. you could have notice them right in the moment you put a foot inside the four walls, you could have noticed it after you discarded your clothes and slid the different pieces of your pajama around your body. the biggest, tallest box will have a large plush of winnie the pooh, he had bought it thinking you may want something to hug tight when you’re feeling low, the nights you feel like there’s no one beside you; now he will be there, as a pilar stopping the walls from tumbling down. the second biggest box will be a small family of petite disney characters. he simply bought them because he thought they were cute. he loves cute things, and he loves dolls, and somehow, he came to the conclusion that if you’re cute, and the dolls are cute, you’d like them rather automatically. don’t ask, that’s the way his mind works sometimes. the next box will be a sweeter one; inside will be another box, and when you open it, you’ll find a considerable number of cupcakes. it’s funny, because when he ate all the cupcakes you bought to celebrate the graduation, he didn’t have this planned at all, he didn’t have in mind confessing to you, maybe it was the memory of your presents for valentine’s day, or the times you hung out together before he went away on tour what gave him the courage to do so, but once he decided he was going to, he decided to avoid repaying you until now; he wanted to save it for white day. the last box will be a rather impressive ─unique?─ box of chocolates. this was probably the hardest present. he wanted to go a short step further, not fall into the ordinary box, and find a more special one, no matter the place, no matter the price.
inside the second box you’ll find a small cream colored envelope. when you open it, you’ll find a handwritten letter in black tint, and if you pay attention, you’ll notice a faint vanilla scent emaning from it. you’ll unfold the letter, and with the thing paper held between your digits, you’ll read this:
“dear park sooyoung,
hello. is that how you’re supposed to start a letter? i know what i want to say, but at the same time i don’t know how to put everything into words. this is harder than i thought it would beㅠㅠㅠ i’ve never done this before, but i really want to do it. um, where to start… i had to talk to my father before doing this, and while i was doing so, after we were done talking, i just thought: “okay, now you have to do this, father won’t tolerate you simply chickening out”, so i guess i have no way to escape now. though i’m making it sound like an obligation, i really want to finally say this outloud and get it off my chest. i have his permission; it will be fine.
should i just be a blunt man and say it cooly, or should i drag it out and explain (explain? relate?) it a bit better? i think i’m going to do both, it looks manly that way. it really is my first time doing this, so i hope i don’t mess it up, but… i like you, a lot. i really, really like you. i’ve liked you for some time now, before everyone started teasing us. to be honest, i first liked you when we met, but i decided to give it up after knowing your heart belonged to someone else. it was fair, i wasn’t hurt, because you were happy. but i guess i didn’t give it up hard enough, seeing i’m writing this letter confessing my feelings for you. i like you a lot what to doㅠㅠㅠㅠ i feel like i’m about to have a heart attack everytime you do anything. really, stop being so cute, it’s no good for my heart nor my health. i’m not good at this, but all i can say right now is that i really want to hold your hand and wear couple things with you and make you smile as much as i can because you do look like the prettiest, most beautiful girl when you smile. and maybe kiss you a bit. or a lot. i don’t know. i have never kissed anyone before, i don’t know if i’m good at it. i hope to be at least an okay. the other day, when i went to your dorm late at night half asleep and somehow we ended up cuddling… i really wanted to kiss you, but what kind of man would i be to kiss you and then leave to tour the world? to be honest, i have the urge to kiss you almost all the time. i’m going to stop talking about kissing now or else i’m going to choke while writing this. the few times we hung out before i left for tour… i may be a fool but i want to think of them as dates, if you’re okay with it.
to be honest, i didn’t plan any of this. i didn’t think i would be confessing to you anytime soon, if ever. but once i made up my mind, i tried my hardest to delay buying the cupcakes with you because i wanted to buy them for you, if that makes sense. though when i ate them all i didn’t have this plannedㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ. i’m nervous. i have no idea how you feel but somehow i thought i just had to do it, deep inside i hope you feel the same way. it’s okay if you don’t, i won’t guilt trip you or try to force love out of you, i’ll be happy as long as you’re happy, as long as i don’t lose you. though i’m not good at dating, i will try my hardest to be the best boyfriend you could ever dream of if we’re meant to be. i hope we are.
whatever happens, let’s keep this a secret for a while, i want to savour it without anyone peeking in. enjoy the presents, sooyoung, and take all the time you need. i adore you. and i really like you.
Yours truly,
Kim Taehyung.
