Summer Browsing

#TheOnlineDatingMishapsOfA25YearOldFemale Follow me as I embark on a 21st century social experiment exploring the inexplicable world of online dating..the ups, the downs, and everything in between. Hold on, from Memorial Day to Labor Day we will be in for a wild ride. Sit back. Relax. Read. And Enjoy.

[summerbrowsing]

So long, farwell........ Peace out bitches!

Here it is, the end of the summer. I hope you all enjoyed following me on my crazy adventure through the world of online dating. I set out to see what this new forum of dating was about, what it was like, and how it was different. I can certainly say that I achieved this goal, and more.

I think it is safe to say online dating is not for everyone, just like spicy curry is not for airplane rides. Looking back on my experience it is clear online dating is not for me, at least not right now. As a researcher I do have to point out the limitation of this "study". I went into this without the goal of meeting a man, or obtaining a boyfriend, so that bias certainly could have influenced who I chose to go on a date with and how the date went. But despite that, I can say with certainty that my personality type and the type of partner I would be looking for right now just does not match with the dynamic of online dating.

We all grow up thinking of the fairytale story of meeting our match, telling guests at our wedding we met in the traditional meet-cute fashion, where my shoe fell off and he chased me down at midnight to give it back. Okay not really. More like he was walking blindly and ran into me and spilled his hot coffee on my new interview dress but when our eyes met it was magic. Okay not really again. But you get the picture.

I believe this kind of fate meeting does occur, despite the day and age we live in. Online dating does have a level of fate attached to it as well. Certainly you would have to be trying online dating at the same time, on the same app, happen to pop up in their feed...so there is this element too.

There are a lot of things that occur in both online dating and real world dating that are the same, of which I experienced this summer.

Chivalry, courting, whatever you would like to call it

Having to reject someone's offer to a second date

Bad sex

Really bad sex

Exchanging numbers

Having a bad date back up plan

Good kissing

Exs

Then there are a number of things that are not the same

Being able to search through a catalog of men (or women)

Knowing details about the person before the first date

Threat of stalking, rape, or kidnap (sorry but true)

Being able to portray yourself in a way which may not be authentic (purposefully or not)

Constant ego boost

Unlikely chance of running into the person again

There are a number of things for both of these categories and they can go on for days. Most of these I knew before this experiment but there are several things that you just don't truly understand until you try online dating.

First, it is exhausting. I mean truly exhausting. At first it is fun, getting a million messages and searching through endless lists of potential dates. But then it becomes overwhelming and time consuming to filter through the messages, write people back, keep track of who you are talking to and what you are saying, etc. Emotionally it gets exhausting as well. Every first date is almost like an interview because, unlike meeting randomly in person, you feel obligated to live up to your online profile or match that of your date's in person.

Secondly, the number of bad dates you go on is more than expected. Before this summer I would say that I probably never had a truly bad date. I really think meeting someone in person and getting a sense of their vibe before you give your number out or agree to a first date makes a big difference. Online, despite all the extra information you get from their profile, you still go on the date so blindly. It is very hard to truly get a sense of someone from their profile and online chatting.

Overall my experience was a mix of fun, exciting, confusing, scary, and a little scarring (remember thumb sucker? ya scarring) I don't think online dating is for me right now in my life and maybe down the line I will feel differently. For single ladies there is an underlining pressure that since we are single maybe we HAVE to do online dating to meet someone. Ladies, let me set the record straight. You DO NOT have to online date. And with online dating you are not guaranteed to meet someone, and if you do it is not necessarily "the one". Don't feel pressure to do it or try it if you don't want to. There is not much you are missing out on, really. I think even individuals who have meet their significant other can agree that online dating is a lot of work, especially emotionally. It is not all the bells and whistles it is sometimes made out to be.

With that said it is a great platform to meet new people if you've moved to a new city, a great way to get over an ex, a great way to try new things, and a great way to put yourself out there. Clearly a ton of people meet their significant others this way, but a ton of people meet their significant others in person too. It will happen, whether online or not. Don't try too hard to make it happen, with either platform. Let be and let live.

Peace.

[summerbrowsing]

Blasts From the Past

By the virtue of life, when you are online dating you typically also end up going on dates that aren’t arranged online. Mine had come in the form of my past. AZ. Lets call him that. We have known each other for almost 5 years, met in a chemistry class years ago in college. We had become good friends and shortly before I moved to Atlanta we went on a several dates. The dates were a little forced, we had been friends for so long and our sexual tension was so high but instead of just hooking up (which is what we should have done) we forced the dating vibe. Actually let me honest…I forced it. Yup. One very drunken night I ran into him at the bar he bounced at. The next day I received a very weird text from him, not really knowing what I may have done the night before I just ignored it. That is until one of my friends asked me later who the guy was at the bar I was yelling at. Oh shit, there it was…the trigger my memory needed to have it all come back to me. I had told him, in a less than appropriately mannered voice, that he should have dropped his balls and asked me on a date already. So a couple days later he did and we spent several dates trying to force something that wasn’t there. It ended up making the end of my stay awkward and left our friendship in a weird place.

AZ had texted me on a Saturday, completely out of the blue as I hadn’t spoken to him in almost a year. He let me know he was going to be in town the next day for work and asked if I would want to meet up for a drink.

I was really excited to see him, and not in a dating way. Its nice to have someone you are so familiar with in town and I was ready to put our awkward dating history in the past. We went to some random dive bar in Buckhead, drank beers, and talked for over 2 hours. We talked about his recent backpacking trip in Europe and my past trip as well. We took a mental trip around the world and picked a place in each region we would want to visit, making a pack that we had to go to each country before we died (not together tho). We discussed new music and concerts we were seeing. We reminisced about the past, talking about his creepy roommate, my friend who was hooking up the DJ at his bar in college, chemistry class, and so much more.

It was beyond nice, not even words can explain how it felt to be getting drinks with a guy who I didn’t meet online, who wasn’t anti-social, creepy, sounding like a woman, and where the conversation was not even a bit forced. Obviously this comes from our friendship and knowing each other for so long but it began with meeting randomly, becoming friends, trying the hook up and dating thing, and successfully being able to get back to being friends. I don’t know if this cycle is something that can be achieved with online dating. Furthermore it just reminded me of the purity of randomly meeting someone, whether call it fate or chance. No matter the outcome, the randomness of meeting someone is the best part of dating. That is completely absent with online dating. The excitement of that cannot be replicated online and I miss it dearly.

We were back to our friendship, in a better place at that. My week of blasts from the pasts was not over, in a few days one more was on his way. That would be a much more intense, exciting, adventurous and emotional visit. His name is Chi Town, coming from Chicago. And this was going to be our farewell; he doesn’t know it but after this trip I cant see him or speak him anymore. It’s too hard, too painful, and holds me back from settling down with someone else. 

  To be continued….

[summerbrowsing]

The Dark Horse

I needed a night out, and boy did I get what I was asking for. I needed to get out of the house, have a great time, and forget about my dating disasters. So of course, when a night like this is needed, you call your best wing woman. The girl that you can always count on to be up for anything, helps you get a good make out session in, and reminds you of the shenanigans you pulled when you don’t remember the next day.  My friend Annabel (name has been changed) is that girl, when just the two of us go out on the town we are always causing ruckus until at least 3 am and never seize to have an amazing time.

So that is what we did. Went out and had a great night over an indulgent dinner at Noche in the highlands, then went to next door to get a drink, then went to Neighbors for another drink, then to Hand & Hand. At Hand & Hand we began talking to this really attractive cute blonde guy. Now I rarely go for blondes but he was good looking. The conversation was going really well and we were all laughing, having a good time. As a note, while Annabel has a boyfriend and she is very committed to him, she is the epitome of a good wing woman. Never the party pooper, can hold a conversation, and always helps set me up with someone. This cute guy…name not remembered… then began to talk out of his ass about how America has the best health care system, best education, and that people who are fat…well its their problem… and a number of other comments to that nature. Mind you, Annabel and I are in public health, so his ignorance was not only a turn off but annoying. Oh Annabel went in on him, and the argument went on and on. He was one of those people though, where no matter what you say he is not going to change his mind. The kind of person that doesn’t even listen to what you are saying, they are just thinking about their next point while you are talking. What are those people called? Oh ya, Republicans. We run into a number of those in Georgia, especially in the highlands area. I had to tap out of the argument because I was over it, luckily another guy approached me at the same time. He wasn’t that cute but I needed someone to talk to, and buy me drinks. That he did.

The next thing I know I’m sitting in a booth somewhere else talking to a really attractive black guy. All I remember is laughing a lot and then making out with him ….a lot. Hallelujah! Damn it felt good. I wasn’t even interested in getting his number, just a good make out sesh was all that I needed.

The next day I wake up and see 5 missed texts from an unrecognizable number, which read:

2.45am Whats good? Its Justin

2.54am What’s up girl?

2.55am Address?9

3.13am Lets chill lol. You’re bad.

3.24am Im heading to north Druid hills

3.31am For real tbo

So of course I call my girl, who then began to fill in the blanks. Apparently after Hand & Hand we went to the Dark Horse (don’t remember this). And at the Dark Horse when the black man (name not known) approached me I completely ditched the not cute white guy who had been buying me drinks all night to go for this other guy (you go girl). But apparently the white guy stuck around like a little puppy and wavered over me the whole time, even as I was making out with someone else. We determined that he was the one sending the desperate texts. But hey, at least I remember making out! Nothing is worse then hooking up and not remembering it

Apparently the rejected white guy then started to hit on Annabel who quickly pointed out that he was all over me earlier and he cant just tag team like that. I guess the guy next to her heard the conversation and started getting in his face about it, and they were “going to take it outside” (don’t remember this). I don’t know at what point we left, but we did. I ended up in bed, by myself, and in my pjs. I would call that a successful night.

Then I get on my dating profile and see a message from someone who has never messaged me before. It read:

“I saw you last night at Hand & Hand”

Creepy

Can I not just escape this online dating thing for one night?

Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

I Would Rather Watch Paint Dry

I had started to become numb to this whole first date thing. It seemed that it was always the same thing, the same conversation, and it was starting to become less and less exciting. Initially when you start online dating the continual, high volume of messages and compliments are flattering and a nice ego boost, but as time goes on it becomes obsolete.

I pretty much drug myself to this first date. I was not excited to say the least and almost felt that it was going to a tedious 9 to 5 job. I get there and when I first see him outside I am immediately and overwhelmingly attracted to him. He was much, much better looking in person. Internally I was thinking, “See, don’t become cynical now…aren’t you glad you didn’t ditch this date?”

As we sat down at the bar I asked him how his day was, to which he replied… “I went swimming for a little bit, then talked to my counselor. I’m depressed. You know with not being able to find a job”. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Listen, I get it…if I was struggling to find a job I would feel down too but do not…I repeat DO NOT, directly tell your date, on the first date, that you are depressed. And he was. It was clear throughout the night. He barely, I mean barely made eye contact...and he cracked a smile maybe twice.

He was country boy and had very little life experience. I mean, none. We were talking about traveling and he informed me he had never been out the country, not atypical. Then he proceeded to say,

“I just don’t know, like what do you do with your bag when you get to the plane?”

Huh?

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“Well like what do you do with your stuff?”

“Have you ever been on a plane? Like even in the US?”

 “No”.

So then I had to explain that when you fly you check your bag or take in on the plane. There are many people who probably have never flown before but his absolute lack of knowledge was shocking.

Even though he was depressed, he could talk. And I mean talk. He talked pretty much the whole time. At one point I found myself listening to him talk about cutting grass in the country and mowing lawns for  10 minutes…YAWN. There were times in the conversation where I felt like his counselor as he went on and on about wanting a girlfriend to be happy. I started to point out that if you feel having one person in your life will take you out of a depression then there are probably several aspects of your life that need work.  His lack of life experience definitely played out in his view of life, dating, being lonely, and all of the above. He told me he had only been drunk twice in his life and barely drinks. Which I totally respect, but it did become a little weird when he ordered the lemonade beer (about 3% alcohol), had less than ¼ of it and told me he was “feeling it”. I even had to ask him if he would be okay to drive. Plus if you don't drink, then ask a girl out on a coffee date. Don't try to be someone you are not.

Before we left he asked if we could hang out again. I was honest with him, stating that I think he needs to figure out how to be happy in his life and that I am not the girlfriend he is looking for. He took it decently I think but I would rather be honest with him then lie. And the truth was, despite he lack of life experience, he would be a good catch if he were just happy. I mean a first date should be fun, with lots of laughs, smiles, eye contact, and interesting conversation, not a mundane “I would rather watch paint dry” kind of experience.

So there it is. I am now going to go watch paint dry.

  Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

The “Date”

I had just come back from a 10-day vacation…a must needed vacation I add. I was getting a little exhausted of this online dating thing, and honestly I don’t know how people do it for extended periods of time.  Once I returned I had to get back into the swing of things but it felt as if I was completely starting over. It was like the first online date you go on, you don’t really have feelings of excitement or nerves ..more like regret and “do I really want to do this?”. This particular fella I wasn’t too excited about for a couple of reasons, first we had barely even chatted online or via text…to be honest I was utterly surprised that he asked to hang out. The only thing I knew about him was his name and that he was going to school for accounting…literally that was it. Secondly, we were planning to meet at the beltline (a walking path around the city), an outdoors “date”…flashbacks to the time I went to Piedmont Park and my date was 60lbs overweight. His pictures looked like he could possibly be very hott, but there were only two and they were pretty much identical so that is iffy.

I sat in my car when he called to tell me he was lost and his GPS wasn’t working. First off, he had been in Atlanta for over a year and did not know where Midtown was in comparison to Inman Park…really? We were meeting at the entrance to the beltline in Inman Park and he literally said, “I think Im at the park”.  Secondly, I truly thought for a moment…is this his secretary talking to me? No really, his voice sounds like a woman. No joke, no exaggeration, straight up more high-pitched and feminine than mine. I did think about ditching him and decided if he wasn’t there in 13 minutes I would leave but he made it and the “date” did go on.

I couldn’t decipher, if he didn’t have a female voice would he have been attractive? It was that distracting. Let me show you. Close your eyes and imagine…wait don’t close your eyes because then you wont be able to read this. Okay, pretend you are closing your eyes and imagine this. You are on a Hollywood celebrity homes tour bus (the ones where you can sit on top of the bus, like a London double decker) and the female tour guide at the front has long fake nails, big hair and speaks like this, “Now ladies and gentlemen to the right of you, you will notice the lovely home of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie…oh honey please be careful, we wouldn’t want you to fall of the side of the bus”. Yes that is exactly what this man sounded like. Needless to say it was all I could really think about.

Besides the voice thing and the not super attractive thing, we would not be a match. This man has lived in Atlanta over a year and has not participated in any event in the city, does not go out, doesn’t know the neighborhoods, NOTHING. That is ridiculous. And furthermore he complained about ATL although he does nothing, and then states he doesn’t really want to do anything…he is “easing in to the city”. Uh huh. Granted it was clear he wasn’t hanging out to date me per say but to get out and try new things, which I do commend him for and it took pressure of the “date”.  Even on a friend level we probably would not hang out again, he made it clear he was the type of traveler who doesn’t eat local food when he goes to another country ( he has travelled and lived abroad with the NAVY) and he also stated if he ever had to go camping he would bring every electronic and comfort possible because he hates the outdoors. He continued on to say he only goes outside at sunsets. If we ever did hang out again, friends or more, I would be the man and he would be the woman… that is definitely not what I am looking for.

Dear Lord,

All I am asking for is one of two things. A really, really hott date. He doesn’t even have to speak, just someone who is good to look at …very good. Or a man who makes me laugh, to the point where I leave the date in a happy, hopeful mood.

I think I have paid my dues by now.

Amen.

[summerbrowsing]

From the Minors to the Majors

Since his pictures showed a tall, athletic, in-shape guy I suggested a day date where we go to Piedmont Park and walk around. In my mind, if all went well we would then go to the Nook and get a drink or something to eat. 

There he was walking across the street to meet me and he looked nothing like his pictures. Nothing. He was at least 60lbs over the weight of what his pictures showed and it was clear from his face that the pictures online were quite possibly that of a close cousin or brother even. And to top it off, he clearly knew that walking around in the hot sun wasn’t going to be easy for him, as evidenced by the towel he brought to wipe his sweat off. If we had made plans to get dinner or do something besides walk around the park I may have called him out, but boy was I glad we had only planned on this. I indulged the situation although now I wonder if I should have.

Clearly this man, and the others who also photo deceive, know what they are doing. The question is why? I do not know. Even if it is because they feel people judge them by their looks, that is completely discredited when they show up and it is clear that they flat out lied on their profile. Furthermore, if they feel they deserve to be judged by their personality and not their looks, then have a great personality and show it in your messages and in your date. (This was not necessarily a quality he had).  This begs the discussion of dating leagues. We all know the concept of this, “his isn’t in your league”, “you are way out of his league”, etc. I feel that leagues are not obsolete in both real world dating and online dating, for good reason. Let me be clear, the concept of being in a league does not just apply to looks, its based on compatibility, which includes looks, job, education level, personality type, and all of the rest. For example, I am in grad school, I am rather attractive (just saying), funny, and well traveled and someone who has never been to college, doesn’t have a job, is out of shape, and ignorant... well we are not in the same league and it is just not going to work. That is the truth of it. So if you feel that you have to alter or stray from the truth on your online dating profile you are basically sneaking into another league’s dug out trying to jump teams. This isn’t going to work.  This doesn’t only apply to pictures…many people lie in what they say on their profile. We are all playing in this game of love and we are not only on different teams but play in different leagues, yet the virtual world of dating is almost like insider trading …where someone can jump leagues just by the click of an upload photo or the typing of an about me section. Is this consequence of online dating avoidable?

As my bestie said when I texted her, “Well it was bound to happen”. And that is true, seems like this is bound to happen and this is a risk you take when you turn to the Internet to meet someone. We walked around the park for about an hour, the conversation was extremely lacking and our personalities definitely did not click. Plus the awkwardness of the fact that he knows he doesn’t look like his pictures and he now knows that I know this; I know that he knows that I know this…just awkwardness all around. Needless to say I wont be seeing him again.

Well that is what I thought. A few weeks later I was pulling up to the parking garage of my apartment, where at the bottom there is visitor parking. My girlfriend was coming over and there was no spots for her to park, hence why when I drove by I took a more in-depth scan of the parking situation. Then I see him, the same guy that I went on an awkward, long, sweaty walk with. He was moving into my apartment building! Wtf!? What a small world. Lets just keep our fingers crossed that we don’t run into each other in ..lets say the elevator. #awkward.

As I have traversed a fair amount of the online dating scene I am beginning to feel a little restless and exhausted. Online dating is a lot of work and emotionally draining. How can people actually engaged in this process for an extended period of time and furthermore, how the fuck are people meeting their significant others online? Does it just take a long time or am I doing something wrong?

Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

The Sneak Attack

“Hey, wanna watch a movie at your place Friday?” i.e. code for lets hook up. That's what I sent to Mr. West. I was ready to get it in…he was cute, educated, interesting, and I felt sexually attracted to him. Plus it had been a while sine I had gotten some. From our previous interaction and make out sessions, I knew we were going to have great sex. He also knew that my text meant, lets have sex.  It was going to be a great night.

When I got to his place he was drunk. Not tipsy…drunk. I was slightly annoyed, I had been babysitting and he went out with some friends. Maybe it was a nerves thing, maybe it was just a “Im not waiting around for you” thing but either way I am good at playing catch up. As I walked in he gave me a tour of his place playing John Legend’s “All of Me” on his phone. He stopped before the “tour” to turn that song on, on his phone. Wtf? Is this the new version of having your place lit with candles and playing Barry White on the record player? I was not a fan. We went to his room and enjoyed wine while having good conversation and playing music. It was really good, and it was fun…of course with sexy make out sessions in between. Then finally we watched a movie. “Watched a movie”.

As we started to hook up things were not going well. First, he was not circumcised. This is always a bit of an awkward moment, especially when it is clear the guy is insecure about it. He asked me if it was okay and told me how other girls did not like it. I mean, man up…own it…and be a boss. I am not sure if he was inexperienced or just drunk or nervous but it seemed he did not know what he was doing. He wasn’t flaccid, he definitely got the solider up. And side note, of course I used a condom…I always do but especially with uncircumcised penises, disease can hid under that flap. After the clothes came off and the cock went into the hen house, I dried up faster then a water hole in the desert. That is a bad sign. *Fair TMI warning*. I typically have a problem with being too wet when I am not hooking up with someone so this was a very bad sign. He did not know how to thrust correctly or keep any rhythmic motion, it was to say the least…awkward. As we continued to hook up it was obvious that he knew things weren’t going well. He went down on me. Yes I know some guys enjoy doing this but it was a clear sign of desperation…this was the first time hooking up, we had only hung out a couple times, and he wasn’t even good at it. After staring towards the ceiling pondering how much longer I should pretend to enjoy it until I drug his head up … I did just that. As we continued to hook up trying to salvage this experience I hear a vibration. At first I thought, he is bringing out a cock ring...that might actually help.

Nope. It was a vibrator. A fucking vibrator.

He put it on my pussy, without warning. WHAT SINGLE GUY OWNS HIS OWN VIBRATOR? Secondly, how many other vaginas has this touched? Has this touched his asshole!? GROSS. I immediately took it, turned it off, and threw it on the ground.

I woke up the next morning completely weirded out, still recovering from the night before. If I had not been drinking that night I definitely wouldn’t have slept over. I woke up at 7.30 in the morning and thought, “fuck that really did just happen”. I knew I had to get out of there as fast as possible, and hopefully without him waking up. I looked at him…wait. I took a double take. No? No. He is really… is he sucking his thumb? This 26-year-old man is sucking his thumb. Get. Me. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here. NOW.

I couldn’t leave fast enough, went home and immediately showered. Unfortunately he did wake up as I was trying to sneak out. It took me at least 4 days after the incident to somewhat feel normal. I had to tell several friends just believe it really happened. One of my friends poetically put it, “He pulled a sneak attack!?”.  I feel like I cannot have sex again for a while. A man who owns his own vibrator and sucks his thumb in his sleep. #iCant

God help me. I had a day date that next day and was hoping it would make me feel better…nope. Wrong again.

Stay tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

FriendZone

Remember Stefan? Let me remind you, we met at Ink & Elm, he was nicely dressed, he mostly talked about his best friend (Stefan) but overall was a nice guy? Yaaa not too memorable. Well I was sure that I wanted to be friends with him so when he brought up going to play pool on a weeknight I thought maybe it would be a possibility. We went to a run down dive bar and I wore my super casual clothes to help send the friend vibes. I did, my Adidas, a t-shirt, and jean shorts. Apparently he enjoyed that. To further my friendzone vibes I bought all my own drinks, gotta send the right signals ladies. As the night went on he kept drinking…which he had told me before that he didn’t really drink so that was the first clue, liquid courage. He started to get touchy feely, getting too close…ahh shit.

Dunt Dunt Dunnnnnnn.

Two old men come to save the day! No really, a guy probably as old as my dad and his friend ask us to play doubles. Hallelujah. As we were playing Stefan was again trying to get a little touchy…which I rejected. The old guy yells “Couple!?” and I viciously shook my head NO. Old guy goes “ahh friends”, like giving me the eye like “ohhh friendzone”. I nod my head YES.

Luckily they hung around for the rest of the night. As we were playing foosball I strategically thought about how I was going to deal with this situation. I could do a couple of things, take or dodge the inevitable end of the night kiss that he was clearly preparing his liver for, and then tell him via text another day that I want to be friends. That is a get out of jail free text. And that is a text you send when you don’t actually want to be friends but you want to let them down nicely. I actually did want to be friends. As we were leaving the bar I told him that I had a really good time and definitely want to hang out again but just as friends, and asked if that was cool. He said it was and we kept chatting for a little bit and still have texted a little since. See ladies the face to face, while it takes some guts, it worth it in the end.  Plus we have to show men how it’s done. Men suck. They send get out of free jail texts or don’t even have the decency to send a text, and commit any other douchbagery act that can be done . In order to have men behave how we want them to, we have to show them how it is done. Its like babysitting…no more like training dogs.

Stay Tuned

[summerbrowsing]

Online Dating Mishaps: Bad Profile Pictures

Ladies...and mostly gentlemen, it is time for a reality check. Please listen closely. Your profile pictures need work! The following are examples of pictures that are not attractive nor appealing and therefore do not elicit a response from a respectable woman.

1. Do not post pictures of you with another woman, of whom is clearly not your sister.

2. Talking to money does not talk to me

3. Miley Cyrus wants her tongue back

4. Creep alert pictures. Please men, ask assistance from a women when picking pictures

5. Trying way too hard to get attention...and ps you likely have a butterface

6. Be honest about your age. Dear sir if you are 26 then I feel bad for you because you look 40 and if you aren't 26 then don't lie about your age.

7. Don't look more feminine then me

8. How NOT to take a selfie

9. If you have a gun in your picture and you are not law enforcement, that is a deal breaker

10. Can you say desperate? You can figure out which one I am talking about

After this experience I could make some serious money as a profile consultant...as it is clearly many people need it!

[summerbrowsing]

Take Me to Church

Double Date Part Two….

Now this was a second date with Mr. West. If you don’t remember him scroll down and read the Mr. West post. We had been texting quite a lot and it was pretty enjoyable I would say. He is the only guy that I have given my real number to at this point…. that is saying a lot. When you have a texting conversation with just emojis, you know that person is on the in. He set up a dinner date at the One Eared Stag. Pretty nice place so I was impressed. Luckily I later found out that he isn’t a fancy guy and someone suggested it to him, I quickly informed him that I am not a fancy girl so next time we should get pizza and go to six flags. Deal.

Mr. West showed up with a bouquet of flowers. Ladies and gentlemen please applaud, chivalry is not dead. But apparently you have to go to the south to find it. This put an immediate smile on my face. I don’t care what any girl says, every girl loves to get flowers. I already knew my game plan for the night, have several drinks, flirt, touch his leg and get a nice makeout sesh at the end. During the dinner we made several business plans for us to carry out together.

1. Have you heard the song by A$AP rocky “Fucking problems”? Yes you have it goes like… “I love bad bitches that’s my fucking problem”. Anyways I want to create a song similar but for women, women need anthems like this. So the plan was for Mr. West to write the song and it would be performed by Beyoncé ft. Fabolous. Genius. I of course would direct the music video, which would consist of really hott half naked guys…

“Wait Wait Wait. No. We cant have that for the music video”

“No fuck you, guys always have half naked girls dancing around their anthem videos”

“Fine”

Game plan

2. Make a sex tape and become famous.

 “Forbes List of Koolest Pussies”

 “No that’s way too long…what about Topping the Forbes Dick”

 “Um no that is all about you.”

 “Fine, Forbe’s Koolest Pussies it is”

We argued for a while about splitting the cost. He of course thinks he deserves more money because he would be the director and I of course know I deserve more money because without a hott chick whose even going to watch the sex tape. Lets be real, I could make a solo one and still make money. We made a hypothetical wager, have sex and whomever orgasms first loses, the other person gets a bigger percentage of the sale revenue. Men you are idiots, you most definitely cannot hold out finishing. Now this is all talk for shits and giggles, it’s a fun conversation to have. And if you know me, this isn’t uncommon. Sorry if this is too dirty for some of y’all…cover your eyes.

But we also talked about real stuff. He is ] fucking smart when it comes to computers, even is somewhat building his own. For some reason when he was talking all the computer nonsense…it was sexy. No really. I was surprised too. We talked about family, top qualities we would want in a mate, biggest fears, you know all that kind of stuff. After dinner we walked for a while and went to get fro-yo. During this adventure we saw a couple making out on the street and another couple  kicking a moving car for almost hitting them. Pretty eventful. Afterwards he walked me to my car…which was parked in front of a church…where we made out for about an hour.

Ladies it has been sometime since I have had a good make out session and it was goooood. Like jizz in your panties good. Truth be told, I would have seriously had sex with him on the bench outside of the church if I didn’t have to pee so badly. I told him he may have qualified for a Friday night date spot but I would still be considering it and have to get back to him. But he was already in, I definitely was on a mission to have sex with him.

To be continued.

[summerbrowsing]

The Double Date

Nope, its not what you think. Not a double date where a guy and I had dinner with another couple. It was back-to-back dates with two different guys. Surprisingly it worked, no overlap, no mixing up the guys, no made for a movie run into each other kind of situations. But I will say, I probably wont do it again, I realized that one date may completely overshadow the other and that just isn’t fair to the fellas…cuz you know, I’m concerned about them from a journalistic point of view of course.

The first date, was a first date. It was another coffee shop date and man those are good ones. Lets call him Bob. For no particular reason. I couldn’t think of a cute relatable name from our date. Bob was from the Bahamas, went to school in Jamaica and now was getting his masters in Atlanta. A lot of the guys I have been talking to or dating from online are from other countries…its hard to keep who is from where straight. At first I thought he was just a typical nice guy. We had really good conversation about traveling, work, school, future plans, and family. He was really nicely dressed and by no means gave me any heebie jebbie vibes. He actually asked me a number of questions about myself…and not only that, he seemed genuinely interested in my answers! Now considering my experience with first online dates have been the guys just rambling for whatever reason, this was very refreshing. I wouldn’t say I was bored but Im clearly a girl who need a little excitement…and he finally gave it to me.

In college Bob not only smoked weed but also he sold it. (My kinda man…we definitely would have been homies in college). He was selling it in Jamaica with his roommates. One day they were walking back to their apartment and there were 5 or 6 men with bandanas over their mouths and guns standing at their place. Bob and friends turned and ran while they were repeatedly shot at.  Not only did Bob continue to sell weed but also about a year later the police arrived to try to bust them but also they couldn’t because they did not have a warrant. Interestingly enough when he was telling me this story I was not only impressed but a little turned on.

We went on to talk about a lot of other things and none of the conversation was forced. Now I don’t know if I am attracted enough to him to sleep with him but I definitely would hang out with him again to find out.  I had to run to catch my other date…he didn’t know that of course. So until next time with Bob.

Next time. My interest in hanging out with him again was quickly depleted a few days later. Check this text message interaction two days later.

Bob “Will I ever see you again?”

Me “Im sure you will”

“Well I wanna see you this week, Friday. Grab a few drinks somewhere”

“Aww I wish I could but Im super busy this weekend, going out of town but when Im back from vacation for sure”

“When are you back?”

“June 19th”

“Have a great vacation and when you get back hit me up”

“I definitely will!”

  A day later…

Bob “Hey I don’t think you are totally feeling me, Im the type of person I don’t like wasting my time or yours so if your not feeling it let me know and Im going to just delete your number”

Pause. What? Did he not just participate in the conversation above?

Me “Oh well I had a really good time getting to you know and would definitely hang out again but it sounds like you are looking for more of a commitment and I cant give that to you”

Bob “Im not looking for a relationship, I don’t know how you got that from me”

Me “Then why the immediate feeling to delete my number just because I cant hang out right away when you want to?”

Bob “I would rather have a drink at a bar with you”

Um ya now that is definitely not happening.

A week later he texted me “Stop thinking about me!”

Um ya definitely not happening. On to the next one.

Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

Catfishish

 Remember the get out of jail free card guy? Ya him…well this time he passed go and did not collect $200. I was actually really interested in meeting “him”, he who was a former college basketball player, worked for the school district now, good looking from pictures, blah blah blah blah blah. While I was out of town he texted me a couple of times to discuss meeting up and setting up a time and a place. The day before and the day of, I got a little suspicious. His profile online was taken down. I just had that feeling. I decided to show up anyway but because of that little feeling in my stomach I sat in my car and tried to call him. One ring and then straight to voicemail. One ring and then straight to voicemail. Did I just get stood up? I mean that is what you would call it if we had met in real life or even been arranged to meet through friends. But in the virtual world isn’t this a form of catfishing? I mean here are the possibilities…dude is in a relationship and trying to sneak around…dude is just looking for pictures online to masturbate to, or dude is purposefully ding dong ditching. Who will ever know. As one of my girlfriends said when I called her to ask what I should do, “Leave. Seriously he is probably a white fat fuck who wanted to know where you live”. #TRUTH.

I was a little taken back by it, even though I had somewhat of a feeling and certainly knew going into this online dating thing that this could happen. This a moment that a girl typically goes home and contacts her “the one that went away”. You know the guy that you will always care about and he will always care about you but you aren’t together? And no its not the one that “got” away, that is bullshit, they just go away or you go away, you breakup. But it’s the person who just gets you and texting him after a shitty date makes you feel better about yourself. Well with online dating that step isn’t necessary to feel better about yourself, go home get online and messaged other guys back. I mean it is online dating, nothing could be truer about online dating then the saying…there are plenty of fish in the sea. And certainly these are the known risks of online dating. For example Mr. West from the other night, he told me about two bad experiences he has had. 1. He started dating a girl he met online who ended up having a boyfriend and 2. He went on a date with a girl that was transgender, which he did not know. *Now I would like to note, I am an equal opportunity, equal rights, be whom you want, do what you want supporter and Ally...but that was his story and not mine. The point is, in some perspectives online dating seems like a cop out, and easy out. In some ways it is…you sit behind a computer getting to browse several people, their pictures, their information, chat with them, hit on them without the face to face rejection, and so on. But at the end of the day, people who are online dating are still meeting a complete stranger who they met online and that is a risk, a bigger risk then any real world dating experiences I can think of. Bigger then approaching a women in a bar, bigger then buying an expensive dinner on a first date, even bigger then a blind date set up by friends.  Is the risk worth the reward? I guess that what I am trying to find out.

Stay tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

Mr. West

Finally, the typical, the expected, and the trademarked coffee date. I am surprised it has taken me more than 4 dates to go on a first date at Starbucks. From what I know, this is the typical first date when you meet someone online. It is a safe spot. 1. No big money to possibly waste on someone who turns out to be 50 lbs heavier then their online pictures 2. Can be as short as 20 minutes or as long as two hours 3. No alcohol to influence bad decision-making. Although by the end of this date I had wished I had a little in my system.

We had been chatting for a while, this made me feel rather comfortable with him when we met and already gave us a number of talking points. I was decently excited for this date, his pictures were cute…maybe not necessarily my type but still attractive, and he was also currently in grad school which was a huge bonus. The guys online range in education but I have found that very few people in grad school (or with a masters) are also were good looking. A second bonus was a hobby of ours we shared. Discussing and debating music, even underground hip-hop. Now here is the thing, I know this is not a common, if not, even a known hobby to many people, I have spent the majority of my life engaging in this hobby by myself. Ladies it would be like being the only person who ever watched the Kardashians and never having anyone to talk to about it with, and when you bring it up its like “HUH!?”.  Before we even met I had texted him a list of my favorite music and he knew some of it, this was a huge bonus…someone who I may actually be able to share my one favorite hobbies with… could this be happening?  

Now I try to get to the date late, always, but I seem to fail at it. Here is the ideal scenario right…walk in ten minutes late, open the door, have him turn around and see you slowly walk in with the wind blowing in your hair and see every other guy do a double take. Yaaaaaa, doesn’t happen. I always try to get there late but the guy is even later, and then you end up being the one waiting. So not cute.  Anyways we sat outside and chatted for nearly two hours and for the most part it was decent conversation. I will say that he seemed a little nervous and did most of the talking….no more like story telling. His stories were detailed with everyone’s names, what people were wearing, their voices, direct quotes, the whole shebang. I think I heard about 15 stories that night. This wasn’t annoying to me or anything but it gets to a point where I don’t really have anything to respond and when I’m listening I have to force a reaction. Luckily he was the type of guy I could call out. Here is the other thing I notice about guys on a first date…at least a first date from meeting online…they jabber, jabber, jabber, and rarely ask you questions. Now I am not sure if this is a nervous thing, I have to prove myself thing, or what. If I had let him talk all night he would know nothing about me this morning. So of course I had to jump in and provide him information about myself, a little awkwardly I would say but I wasn’t about to be a wet rag.

He looked someone like Kanye Westish…not completely though but lets call him Mr. West. He had very attractive tattoos on his arms and was very nicely dressed with clean shoes. Ladies you can always tell if a man takes care of himself by how clean his shoes are. Now he was shorter then I typically go for and I had to think for a second…damn I don’t think any of my 6-inch heels may work. He was fit, decently funny, seemed to have a very good heart, and loved life. It was clear he had good friends, travelled, and was a smart open-minded person with a lot to discuss. This was great. I love being able to talk to someone about any topic. I will say though he didn’t quiet get my humor. There is nothing like a guy who finds your vulgar language and sarcasm hilarious, now that is a turn on. Its okay though we can work on that. By the end of the night I was interested and attracted to him and I thought to myself…damn if we had gone out to get drinks I would definitely be trying to get it in. Seriously, leaning over getting flirty, touching his leg, doing the giggle…ladies you know what I am talking about. Dammit. Next time? 

Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

Online Dating Mishaps: Bad Pickup Lines

Ladies and gentlemen...if the pick up line wouldn't work in person, its not going to work online.

I appreciate the honesty, but maybe ask about being fuck buddies after a few exchanges, not in the first message. (And no I did not write him back)

Like my sister said "He was trying to be different but....no"

I dont think I even need to provide a reason why this is bad

Now I do have a nice hair, but reading this doesn't necessarily flatter me or put a smile on my face. Guys, when you are trying to compliment a women online go for classics...smile, eyes, etc.

[summerbrowsing]

Stefan

For the first time I was really excited, had my whole outfit picked out, I even had picked out the bar we would go to, a fun place you could play pool and darts, but then there it was…the get out of jail free text. He forgot he had a basketball game that night. I am still not quite sure if I believe that he just happened to forget but what was I going to do about it?

Go get my nails done with a friend and set up a back up date of course. That is the beauty of online dating, one down? 12 more to go.

As my girlfriend and I were getting our nails done I had asked her about Sean, a date mutual friends set her up with. “Nick came up to me to tell me that Sean told him to tell me that he wasn’t going to call.”

 What. The. Fuck?              

No really. What the fuck? A guy seriously can’t just not call or have the balls to call/text to say its not going to work, but decides to go through the effort of telling a friend to pass along a message. I’ll take the get out of jail free text please.

Later on before my date I was walking around Piedmont Park with two other girlfriends when I was proposed to. There it was, a huge flash mob of 30 people singing and dancing with a man at his knees holding out flowers asking for my hand in marriage.

NOT. It was actually a very intoxicated, possibly homeless man, who followed us around the parking telling me he wanted to take me home and marry me. I’ll take the get out of jail free text please. 

That night I met Stefan at Ink and Elm, a very fancy bar and I am not a very fancy person. His name isn’t really Stefan but that was his best friends name, which by the end of the date I knew all about. Stefan (the best friend) was apparently an idiot and they had been best friends since middle school. They were inseparable until of course, college, when they went there separate ways, so sad. But now they were working together cross-country, you see Stefan moved to L.A. for V. Stiviano…yes the woman who previously dated Donald Sterling and recorded his racist remarks…she of course isn’t dating Stefan anymore. Ohhh wait, I’m not on a date with Stefan, although I should have asked for his number at this point.

My actual date though was pretty cool, he was really nice and smart which is a plus. I had known to wear flats because on his dating profile it had said he was 5’7, which you know means 5’6. We talked a lot about music and it was  refreshing to have someone to really talk to about hip-hop, rap and underground music…it had been so long. We also talked about work, life, kids, what we do for fun, etc. It was nice that the online dating platform was not brought up …not once. Usually its, “How long have you been doing it?” “What luck have you had?” etc. etc. It was like we just used this platform to meet and then poof we know each other in real life and no need to discuss it. I liked that.

I don’t know if I would want to date him romantically, his physicality reminds me of my fuck buddies in college so if I am feeling up to another round of friends with benefits I may consider it. He is definitely someone I would want to be friends with. But as my roommate put it, would it be like breaking up and trying to be friends before you even started dating? Think about it, the title of online dating itself insinuates that the relationship developed from the platform is centered on dating. Is there room for making friends with online dating?

Stay Tuned.

[summerbrowsing]

Facebook Has Relationship Status and Online Dating Has Relationship Type

As depicted in the movie Social Networking, relationship status drives everything. But what if we lived in a world that mirror a stoplight party? Remember those in college, where you wore red if you were taken, yellow if its complicated, and green if you were single…with the intention of the party being for people to hook up. That is nearly what an online dating profile is. It either asks you to describe your relationship type such as monogamous, non-monogamous, somewhat monogamous, open, etc…or your intent such as to find a spouse, actively looking for a relationship, not looking for any commitment, etc. But my relationship type and my intent are not fixed… they are fluid. Where is my check box for “Just depends” or “We will see”?

The truth of the matter is my decision to engage in a relationship type or intent depends on the day and the person, having to put yourself in a fixed box is deceiving. Yes I may be interested in a relationship or long term dating if I meet the right person and yes I may be interested in a one night stand if I am horny and find a hot guy with no brain cells…but these concepts are not reflective in a check one only question. When we are in person we don’t wear signs that say “Im taken”, “I want a relationship”, “I want to fuck” so why do we online? The idea initially may have been that those who seek out online dating forums all are looking to settle down but it has evolved to the point that if you are single, despite your relationship intent, you are most likely on an online dating forum. If online dating profiles wanted to truly reflect the dynamic of dating in today’s society every profile should say “I am here to fuck, date, make friends, maybe have a relationship, maybe be monogamous, and other”.

[summerbrowsing]

The Alpha Dog ?

“His name isn’t Chris, his name isn’t Chris”…this is what I was telling myself as I waited for him to show up…25 minutes late, with no apology of course.  My roommate had seen his picture and mentioned that he looked like a Chris, so of course I couldn’t get it out of my head and had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t his name. With all the messages you receive, profiles you read, and people you go on dates with it get a little hard to keep everyone straight. 

It was just the date I need after the last disaster, I knew I wasn’t going to be dating him and I knew I didn’t want to hook up with him that night, even before I had met him, but the conversation was really good…surprisingly good. Let’s just call him Chris. His personality type? Well an alpha dog.... or really a dog with an alpha costume on.

“I suppose the -- Gods sent me to your profile because I was just about to log off and you caught my eye :)” to which I replied “Does that line normally work with women?” He appreciated the bullshit meter and turns out he was quite a bullshitter himself. He basically replied with “Tijuana Garage, dinner 8pm Monday night”. Alrighty then, take charge brother.  At dinner it was clear that he felt superior… not to me but to other men and the world of dating. Surprising considering his size…small. Some big things come in small packages, I can attest to that…but not sure if it was true in his case. If we were animals he would have you believe he had superior access to food and mating. But I am not sure that is completely true. We had intellectual and theoretical conversations about dating, sex, and the differences between males and females. He explained his theory that a man getting with a woman is similar to man at a BBQ…see women come up to him with a hotdog and if they want his mustard then he gets laid, if they don’t want his mustard then they both move on to another condiment. Interesting. Now I wasn’t throwing up in my mouth, as I would have if he were a true self-centered alpha dog. It was clear he had trained himself to be alpha dog, enough to 1. get laid and 2. not get hurt when he was rejected. But true alphas have one of two things, they either have an irresistible charm or they are total douchebags. He had a curious dichotomy about himself, basically a country kid with no traveling experience, dropped out of college because he couldn’t handle city life, did not watch TV, had no …I mean NO knowledge of anything pop culture, didn’t even know where the country of Tanzania was, yet had this in-depth analytical view on the human species. I quite enjoyed it.

I asked him how he approached women and he described to me several scenarios, all of which were devised from a domineering methodology and all of which I would never respond to, but he knew that. It got me thinking, we live in a world full of alphas and betas and this dynamic is what  drives the act of hitting on someone or even flirting for that matter, and furthermore dating. How does that apply to online dating? I knew from my online interactions with Chris that he was the “dominating type” and he knew from mine that I wasn’t the one to be dominated but we ended up going out. If our online messages had occurred in person I would never have indulged it and I can almost guarantee I would have never ended up on a date with him. I can’t help but wonder, as online dating removes (to a degree) the determination of alpha and beta personalities during the initial interaction, does this improve dating or does this take us a step back? Certainly I enjoyed my time with Chris but if I was someone looking for a husband or to settle down immediately this may have wasted my time in the hunt.

But since I am not looking for my husband per say, Chris may be in the running for another position. My alpha dog? theory has continued to be proven to me as the days have passed since our date. We have exchanged texts and I was an asshole, by what I said and by ignoring him…but he still is persistent and somewhat desperate.  Now a true alpha would be persistent but they would not come off desperate, and likely they would be able to manipulate most women into becoming the desperate one.

Day 3

After some short small talk

Chris: “The other night I forgot to tell you I’m nuts…surprise”

Me: “I’m not blind I could tell”

Chris sent several texts with no response from me.

Day 5

Chris: “I want to see you tonight”

Me: “I’m out of town”

Chris: “When you get back”

Chris: “Lets meet up, Monday or Tuesday”

No response

Day 6

Chris: “Have lunch with me tomorrow”

Me: “Im busy”

Chris: “Dinner at 8 at Fox BBQ”

Me: “I have a date”

Chris: “Double book and meet me after”

Me: “Maybe Ill text you.”

Never texted him

Day 9

Me: “How big is your dick?”

Chris: “9.2 inches”

Ohhh there is that wanna be alpha dog. Considering him for my future back burner fuck buddy if I need it. Haven’t decided if Ill go through with it…at this point it seems there is a good chance he might turn into a stage 5 clinger.

Stay tuned.