Pairing: Cillian Murphy (47) x Step! Daughter (21)
Warning: Infidelity, Smut, Dysfunctional Family
Tag List will be updated soon! Please comment and engage!
The following few days passed like a blur. Cillian was in London, working and attending some meetings for another movie while you finally got rid of your ankle monitor, gaining some freedom.
You applied for a few jobs in the hope to save enough money to move out again, even before you were scheduled to relocate to New York to attend your photography course, while your mother was busy shopping for Award Season dresses with your sister who was keen to be a third wheel at the Golden Globes and Oscars that year.
"Why do you even want to go to these award shows with them? I mean, don't you feel weird about it?" you questioned your twin-sister Cliona one evening, as the two of you sat together in the kitchen, eating leftover pizza and chatting, while your mother was putting Sadie to bed.
"Because it is fantastic for networking," she replied, chewing on a slice of pizza. "You never know who might be there and, besides, these events are great opportunities to show off," she added smugly, throwing a smug smile at you.
You couldn't help but roll your eyes and ignore her comment, allowing her to talk some more. Cliona had always been more interested in your stepfather's status than you had and, although you sometimes wished that you didn't care about her attitude towards his fame, it bothered you a lot lately.
In recent days, you had become particularly moody and being in a house with her and your mother, often alone, didn't help your nerves, despite the fact that you did love them.
On top of that, you had tried to push Cillian out of your head, telling yourself that what had happened between you two was a mistake and nothing more, but try as you might, you couldn't forget it.
You couldn't forget the way he had touched you, made love to you, or even just looked at you. You had never felt so desired in your life and although it scared you, it also excited you beyond belief.
It was a push-pull experience that made you yearn for his presence while, at the same time, you wanted things to go back to the way there were before, when you didn't have these feelings of guilt and shame constantly lingering over you when your mother and twin-sister were around.
"So you aren't coming to any of the awards then?" Cliona repeated her previous question with a pout, which mad you realise that, this entire time, when you were thinking about Cillian, she had been talking to you.
"W-what?" you said, snapping out of your daze. "Um, no, I won't be attending any of the awards shows with you guys. It's not for me and I have too much on my plate at the moment," you lied, even though you had no job and not much to do, other than wait for your course to start.
Cliona shrugged. "Suit yourself," she said, as if implying that you were missing out on a great opportunity, before finishing off her slice of pizza and standing up from her chair.
"Well, I'm heading to bed. See you tomorrow," she added, before walking out of the kitchen and leaving you alone in your thoughts.
You sighed and leaned back in your chair, staring out the window just as your phone beeped, signaling a new text message.
"You've got the job!" was the message written in big bold letters on the screen from the nice bartender at a local establishment to which a friend had introduced you to the day before.
Excitement bubbled inside of you, and your troubles seemed to vanish at the sight of the single message. You were absolutely broke , so this opportunity couldn't have come at a better time. You would be able to start working within the next few days, which provided a sense of financial security and a diversion from the drama you had created with Cillian.
Cillian, himself, arrived back home later that week just as you were about to head out for your first shift at the bar.
You were dressed casually in a pair of dark jeans, a fitted grey shirt and your hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail.
"Hey," you greeted Cillian as he walked through the door, looking exhausted but happy to see you, his eyes lighting up as they met yours.
"Hey," he replied, retaining his distance which, in your opinion, made this encounter somewhat awkward.
Luckily for you though, you were an expert in the art of small talk and, even though you hadn't mastered it, your tone sounded light and casual.
"How was your flight?" you asked, as he placed his luggage down and unzipped his jacket.
"Long," Cillian replied with a weary sigh before his eyes met yours again.
The connection was undeniable, burning with a passion that refused to quell. But he had his integrity, and perhaps that was something he would never compromise. Not even for you.
"Where are you off to?" Cillian inquired, his gaze falling on your outfit while you were fidgeting with the house keys.
"Oh, I've got a job now ," you informed him cheerfully, attempting to keep your tone light while trying to overcome the fluttering feelings in your chest.
"Where at?" Cillian asked, raising an eyebrow, and you wanted to smile at his enthusiasm, but you held back, taking a deep breath instead.
"Just a bar, in town. It's called O'Rielly's and is really nothing special," you lied, trying to downplay the significance of this job, but Cillian could see right through it.
"That's great though," he said with a warm smile, making your heart flutter uncontrollably. "Well done," he told you, knowing how you wanted to pay your own way.
"Thanks. I really needed this. I was starting to feel like a burden around here," you muttered, not meaning to make the conversation heavy.
Cillian narrowed his gaze upon hearing that, sensing there was something more to your statement.
"You're not a burden, Y/N, and you never have been," he asserted, closing the distance between you, his hands resting on your upper arms reassuringly.
"Oh, I am sure my mother would disagree with you right now," you chuckled, not wanting to tell him about the many fights you had with her in recent days, all because you felt like a leech living in her house. "But listen, I really have to go. My shift starts at six," you said, zipping your jacket closed and slinging your bag over your shoulder.
"Do you want me to drive you?" Cillian offered, breaking through your thoughts.
For a brief moment, you imagined what it would be like to spend a few more minutes alone with him in the car. But you quickly shook off that dangerous thought.
"Thanks, but I can take the bus," you said, smiling weakly. "Despite, you just got off a six-hour flight," you added.
Cillian opened his mouth to protest, but you cut him off. "No, really. I've got this," you insisted, already moving towards the door.
Cillian sighed, looking like he wanted to say more, but he seemed to think better of it. "Alright, but call me when you get off work. I will pick you up. You shouldn't take the bus that late," he said, his voice firm.
You paused and looked back at him. "You worry too much," you said, but there was a small smile on your faces as you said it since you found his concern heartwarming.
"Only because I care," he replied with a warm smile before he allowed you to leave.
When you arrived at the bar for your shift, you found it bustling with people, eager to escape their daily routine. You took a deep breath to steady your nerves and walked behind the bar, where the manager was waiting for you.
"Ah, Y/N! It's good to see you. Here, put this on," she said, handing you a shirt. "I'll show you the ropes."
The first few hours flew by quickly, with you learning the ins and outs of the bar, how to make drinks, take orders, and keep the customers happy.
The pace was fast but exciting, and you found yourself enjoying the buzz around you, serving drinks, laughing with the patrons and relishing in the anonymity and the freedom that came with working at a separate place of employment.
When things started to slow down, you checked the time on your phone and saw it was already after midnight. There was no way Cillian would still be up, you thought to yourself, as you dried your hands on your apron and walked towards the front of the bar but, just as you were about to bring up the bus schedule again, your phone buzzed with a new message.
"I'm still picking you up," it read, causing your heart to skip a beat.
You smiled to yourself, thankful for his concern and hit 'Reply,' typing out a quick thanks and an estimated time for the end of your shift. You knew that there was still some cleaning up to do, which would take about thirty minutes or more.
You put your phone back into your apron’s pocket and got to work, finishing up as quickly as possible and the friendly bar manager, Jeremy, offered you a drink on the house after you finished lifting up all the chairs.
"You did extremely well today," he praised, touching your shoulder. "And thanks for taking the shift last minute, you really saved me," he smiled, noting that you weren't actually meant to start until the week after.
"I am glad I could help," you responded before noticing him flirting a little with you.
"I enjoyed working with you tonight Y/N. I am serious," Jeremy added with a wink, making you blush slightly and laugh off his compliment. "And you can have as many shifts as you want," he went on to say, which caught you off-guard, since most places usually put new hires on a light schedule.
"Oh, really?" you asked, trying to hide your surprise. "I mean, that sounds good," you added hastily, before taking another sip of your drink.
"Absolutely. I would love to have you on the team, you are a star already," Jeremy complimented you again, causing your face to flush with heat.
You chuckled nervously and glanced down at your phone, checking the time, and saw a message from Cillian: "I will be there in a minute," it read, making you plan your exit.
"I, uhm, I gotta go now if that's okay?" you said shyly, biting your lip as you met Jeremy's gaze. His eyes lingered on your lips for a moment longer than necessary before he looked away, just as Cillian reluctantly pushed open the door to the bar, looking straight at the two of you.
"We are closed," Jeremy announced, trying to sound imposing, but you interrupted him.
"It's okay. He is just...uhm...picking me up," you stammered, shuffling your feet nervously as you broke eye contact with Jeremy. "He won't let me take the bus and now this is all really awkward," you then blurted out, causing Cillian to raise an eyebrow.
"I am Cillian. Y/N's..." Cillian paused before saying the word. "Stepfather," he clarified hesitantly, offering a polite smile and his hand to Jeremy for a handshake. There was a slight tension in the air as Jeremy hesitantly shook Cillian's hand, eyeing him carefully, before finally giving you a nod.
"Oh, right. Of course," Jeremy said, seeming to understand that there was nothing more to this interaction, which made you feel more at ease.
"I'll just...uhm...go and get my things from the back then," you muttered nervously before quickly scurrying towards the back room to collect your belongings.
You could feel both Cillian's and Jeremy's eyes on you as you gathered your coat and bag, your heart hammering away in your chest.
You had never been very good at hiding your emotions, and it seemed that both men had picked up on you feeling somewhat out of place right now.
"Okay, I'm ready," you eventually said, brushing a lock of hair out of your face as you walked back out to the front of the bar and, after Jeremy thanked you for your hard work, you followed Cillian out of the door, your heart still racing.
"You know you really didn't have to stay up for me," you said as Cillian opened the car door for you.
"I know. But I wanted to make sure you got home safely. Besides, I was still up anyway," he replied, his tone serious.
As you sat next to him in his car, you couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious about Jeremy and how he had been looking at you throughout the night and, it was also something that Cillian had picked upon.
"Everything okay?" Cillian asked, seeming to sense your discomfort.
"Yeah, everything's fine," you lied, forcing a smile.
"I can see the bar manager has already taken a liking in you," Cillian said, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
"Yeah, I think, maybe, he has," you confirmed, looking out of the window of the car as Cillian expertly drove through the quiet streets of the city.
"Then again, he works in a bar. I am sure he has taken a liking to many women who have worked there," Cillian replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
You remained silent for a moment, trying to decipher his intent, but you chose not to press further at that moment.
"Are you jealous?" you blurted out, immediately regretting the words as soon as they left your lips. It was the last thing you wanted to imply, given the circumstances.
Cillian glanced at you and raised an eyebrow, causing you to quickly backtrack.
"I mean, not that you have any reason to be, of course. I am just your stepdaughter after all," you added hastily, your cheeks flushed as you watched Cillian's expression soften.
"No, I'm not jealous," he replied softly. "I am just concerned about you, that's all. I don't want to see you getting hurt."
"Sure, we will leave at that," you nodded, understanding his concern, and looked away, embarrassed that you had even brought it up.
The rest of the car ride was quiet, with neither of you speaking. But, despite the silence, the tension between you two was palpable. You could feel the heat rising in your cheeks, and your heartbeat quickened as you tried to ignore the thoughts and images that swirled in your mind.
The memories of the connection you shared, the intimacy you both had experienced, and the desire that still lingered, seemed to be clouding your judgement, and you couldn't help but long for that closeness again.
The car pulled up outside the house, and Cillian turned off the engine, allowing the silence to envelop you. He shifted in his seat as he glanced at you, his gaze piercing through the darkness. You could sense that he was trying to read your thoughts, but you couldn't find the words to explain what was going on in your head.
Your mind was a whirlwind of emotions, conflicting desires, and unspoken truths that clashed together, creating turbulence you were struggling to navigate.
"We should go inside and get some rest. It's late," you said softly, your eyes meeting Cillian's. There was a lingering tension between you both, as if his gaze could combust the emotions resparking within you.
"Yeah," Cillian replied after a moment, his voice almost a whisper. He let out a long breath before he opened his car door, stepping out on the pavement.
Only after he had fully closed the car door did you realize that you had been holding your breath. It was then that you released it in a sigh, feeling strangely disappointed that the night had ended like this, with awkwardness and silence and no connection between you both, except the remembered one.
You quickly exited his car, feeling embarrassed at how much your feelings for him had control over you at times, now that he was ignoring them too.
"Goodnight, Y/N," Cillian muttered, almost under his breath after you both stepped inside, as if he was too afraid to say it any louder.
You turned to him, your eyes wide with surprised and confusion, before you replied with a hoarse "Goodnight" and walking up the stairs, leaving Cillian to stand alone in the hallway.
, im 21 years old and go by she/her pronouns and im bisexual (/questioning?), white, leo sun aries rising scorpio moon, infp, eastern timezone ⋆˚⟡˖ ࣪
my media/famous interests are: jamie campbell bower, ethel cain, cillian murphy, chappell roan, taylor swift, olivia rodrigo, harry styles, one direction, the sturniolo triplets, kit connor, bts, ateez, noah kahan, djo, the last dinner party, boygenius, renee rapp, ayo edebiri, drew starkey, lola tung, sadie sink, madelyn cline, finn wittrock, muna
stranger things, derry girls, succession, heartstopper, outerbanks (obx), the vampire diaries, criminal minds, sex and the city, the bear, peaky blinders, gossip girl, greys anatomy, one tree hill, the sex lives of college girls, shameless, gilmore girls, new girl, a discovery of witches, one day, bridgerton, sweet magnolias, the summer i turned pretty
favorite book: normal people, sally rooney | cr: the way i used to be, amber smith
other interests: colors green and pink, blueberry flavored things, the ocean, reading, songs that make you feel like you’re in a movie, photography, coffee, musicals, decorating, fashion, snoopy, the lake, spending time with people i love, cleaning, spring and summer, coloring, chocolates, sour candy, making people laugh, dogs (especially mine), gift giving (+ so much more)
follow me if we have the same interests or anything pls i love connecting with new people! also feel free to message me or send anything into my inbox!
about this blog ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪
18+ for mine and others safety and comfortability, here to reblog, rant, write, read, make connections and have a good time! i used to write on wattpad back in the day (i feel old) and want to get back into it.
starting off with small blurbs and headcanons and things like that! eventually want to start getting back into writing full fics!
who i’ll write for right now: jamie campbell bower (no characters), cillian murphy (+ tommy shelby, maybe), drew starkey (+ rafe cameron), & kit connor! i want to keep the list small for now <3 im very comfortable writing smut and would love to get requests in my inbox!
Pairing: Cillian Murphy (47) x Step! Daughter (21)
Warning: Infidelity, Smut, Dysfunctional Family
Home. The word itself tasted like mothballs and childhood memories, both bitter and sweet on your tongue.
What others would call home, did not feel like home to you at all, not after your mother had destroyed everything that you were familiar with just when you had turned fifteen.
It was then that she had begun an affair with an actor named Cillian Murphy, whom she had met on the set of a movie he was filming and, just as if she had planned it all, she became pregnant with your stepsister Sadie.
Your mother was 37 at the time, with Cillian having been five years her senior.
It was all over the papers at the time and, just as you thought that things could not get any worse, she left your father, who was heartbroken and bewildered, and moved in with this then stranger to you.
You and your twin sister, Cliona, were expected to just follow suit, like little lost puppies and whilst Cillian himself seemed like a nice man, it was not something that you were able to do that easily. You had always been strong willed and gave your mother quite the run for her money with your rebellious nature which, in part, was the reason why she had pushed you to go away to live your father in New York.
New York was where you had finished school and, as soon as you turned eighteen, you made your way on a journey around the world.
You travelled to New Zealand, Africa and then South Amerika too. There were times when your money ran out but you always managed to get by, taking on odd jobs here and there, just so that you could survive.
It was during your time in Tanzania, when you met a woman, in her forties, who worked in an orphanage with you, and it was her who introduced you to photography. She told you that the camera was woman's truth and that with it, you had the power to tell stories.
She handed you her canvas camera and you began to snap away, discovering facets of Tanzania, its people and its wildlife in ways that words alone could not articulate.
The experience had left an indelible impression on you and from that day onwards, you knew that photography would be the lens through which you viewed the world and translated your experiences.
Your wanderlust had taken you on a three year journey, one that had seen you capture the beauty of the world through photographs. You had even managed to sell some of them to a hip magazine, which showcased your work alongside a spread of your adventures.
The pay was decent, just enough to keep you going and still let you see the world.
College had been an option, but not one you wanted to seriously consider. You had never been one to follow the rules and conventions that came with higher education, and the thought of being stuck in a classroom for four more years seemed unbearably tedious.
But then, after an amazing three years, your travel journey came to an abrupt end when you got into trouble with the law while passing through the UK, on your way back to New York.
At London Heathrow, just after taking a flight from Rome, you were stopped by customs for questioning regarding a package that they found in your luggage. It was a small box that just fit snugly within the zippered pocket in your backpack.
Inside the box there were as an illicit substance and it was this substance that got you arrested.
You were questioned for hours, leaving you dazed, frightened and confused about how the drugs had even gotten into your bag and, after a series of panicked phone calls to your family, your mother agreed to bail you out.
Days later, in court, you were given a short sentence, including a travel ban for three months and house arrest for one.
"I much rather go to jail than live with my mother for four weeks," you thought to yourself, but the sentence had been handed out and, before you knew it, you were taken to where you had once lived, in the outskirts of London.
Time seemed to slow down the moment you crossed the threshold of that Victorian house, so familiar in every fine detail that it seemed to shrink around you.
The police officer who accompanied you rang the doorbell on your behalf and, after a few moments, your sister Cliona , whom you hadn't even spoken to in a year, opened the heavy oak door.
Her dark eyes, much like yours, narrowed at the sight of you, before dissolving into a cold, expressionless mask.
"Hi, Cliona," you greeted her, but it was clear that she wasn't interested in talking.
Her thin lips barely moved as she spoke. "Mum isn't home, but come on in," she simply said to the officer rather than you.
Cliona's dismissive attitude was nothing new to you, but it still hurt.
You had once been close, like two peas in a pod, but she had changed somewhere along the way. Growing up, you had always been the rebel, the one who pushed boundaries and questioned authority, while she was the obedient one, always trying to please your mother.
Over the years, that gap had only widened, until it seemed like you were living on opposite ends of a vast, unbridgeable chasm.
With a resigned sigh, you stepped into the hallway which is when you saw him, for the first time in 18 months. It was Cillian, emerging from one of the rooms at the far end of the hallway, with your little half sister Sadie clinging to his side, her tiny fingers wrapped around one of his fingers.
As soon as Sadie saw you, she ran towards you , squealing with excitement, and you couldn't help but smile at the sincerity in her voice as she called out your name.
"Y/N! Y/N!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around your waist. Her laughter echoed through the expansive hallway as you stooped down to pick her up, your heart feeling warmer and softer than it had in months.
You had always kept in touch with her, and even visited her on numerous occasions, putting up with your mother for short periods of times for Sadie's sake, mostly while Cillian had been away filming.
He was a busy man and your interactions with him to date were limited. Cillian took a step towards you, his warm smile radiating kindness.
"Welcome home, I suppose," he said with a slight chuckle, his rich voice resonating through the room. You couldn't help but blush as he looked directly into your eyes, the corners of his eyes crinkling in genuine delight at seeing you. It was a small but friendly gesture that made you feel a little better about this somewhat unfortunate situation.
"Thanks," you mumbled, not quite sure what to say in response. You had imagined seeing him again, but there was something utterly different about him now, something that you had not noticed when you saw him last, about eighteen months ago, at your aunt's wedding.
He had grown a little older, his hair was peppered with more silver strands, giving him an air of maturity, though his eyes seemed the same vibrant shade of blue that they had been before, sparkling with intelligence and a hint of mischief.
While you were spending some time with your little stepsister, the police officer pulled out some paperwork and what looked like an ankle monitor , informing you that this would now be a part of your daily life since it was ordered by the court for the next one month.
You couldn't help but wince at the sight of the device. It felt like an electronic handcuff latched on, but you didn't complain, knowing that it could have been much worse.
"So, I guess it's a house arrest for you now," Cliona said with a roll of her eyes, "good luck with that."
"It's only for thirty days," the officer interjected, clearly trying to soften the blow of the situation, "and if you follow the rules and stay out of trouble, you'll be free to go where you want after that, at least within the UK."
You couldn't help but feel a wry smile creeping up on your face, thinking about all the things you would be able to do once this house arrest was lifted.
But for now, you had to follow the rules and make the best of a less than ideal situation.
"Mr Murphy, are you happy to sign for this?" the officer asked Cillian, handing him the paperwork related to your bail conditions. Cillian looked down at the documents, his brow furrowing slightly as he read over the terms.
"Sure," he then said, signing his name with a flourish before looking at the monitor with disdain while the officer turned it on, causing it to light up around your ankle.
"What a strange contraption," he muttered under his breath, shaking his head as he handed it back to the officer who was quick to leave shortly after that.
"I should probably find my room and get unpacked before mum gets home. I know how much she hates mess," you said as soon as the officer drove off and Cillian nodded in agreement.
"Of course, you can use your old room, it hasn't changed much," he said before picking up your large backpack and guiding you upstairs.
"You know I could have carried this, right?" you remarked to Cillian as you watched him struggle with your backpack, his face turning slightly red with the strain.
He chuckled good-naturedly. "I know, but it's no trouble, really," he said as he adjusted the weight of the bag on his shoulder.
You nodded silently, following him as he took you to your old room, which was still located at the far end of the hallway, as it had been before.
He opened the door for you, stepping aside so you could enter first.
As you stepped over the threshold, your senses were immediately bombarded by a whirlwind of emotions – nostalgia, bitterness, and a strange undercurrent of longing.
You had spent countless nights in that room, sitting by the window, watching the stars through the cold glass, dreaming of the day when you could escape the confines of that house after finding out that your mother wanted a divorce. But then again. you were older now and none of this mattered anymore. Now, it was somewhere to sleep for the next thirty days, and, after that, you knew that you would be evaluating your options. You left your camera bag by the door but the moment you turned around you caught Cillian's gaze, and you could have sworn that there was something tender hidden deep within the blue recesses of his eyes, like a secret too precious to be shared with the world.
"I'm glad to see that it's still the same," you muttered to yourself, as you placed your other smaller bag onto the bed.
Cillian chuckled lightly, reminding you that he was still standing there, a few feet behind you.
"I'll let you get settled in now," he said with a warm smile. "Dinner is at seven, if you want to join us. Your mother should be home by six," Cillian added, before walking out of the room, leaving you to your own devices.
"Thank you Cillian," you called after him, letting the moment linger for a second, as a chance to catch your breathe and let your thoughts reel.
The air in the room felt heavy, the scent of old books and dust hung thick against it, like an unwelcome fog. The room was exactly how you remembered it, every piece of furniture, every painting on the walls. It was like going back in time.
"Fuck," you muttered under your breath, as you pulled back the window curtains, revealing the oak tree that stood tall and strong outside. The view had not changed one bit and this realization was as oddly comforting as it was heartbreaking.
You ran your hand over the windowsill, recalling how you used to sit there for hours on end just watching the world go by in this quaint little town on the outskirts of London. It triggered memories of when you had first noticed your mother changing, and her new job on the set of Peaky Blinders getting the better of her.
She was one of the production managers, young and enthusiastic, and of course, this is where she met Cillian.
It all went downhill from there, and as they got more and more involved, her behavior changed.
But you never thought to blame him for the failure of your parents' marriage. Their marriage was doomed for years before and yet, the way she put an end to it, by starting an affair with another man, was what really irked you.
Pushing aside these thoughts of the past, you forced yourself to focus on the present and this presence included staying here, with your part of your broken family, for the next thirty days and you knew that this was going to be tough.
And tough it was when, over dinner later that day, your mother criticized your life choices.
"You know that none of this would have happened if you had decided to live a normal life," she charged at you between bites of roast chicken and boiled potatoes. "Finishing college, finding a real job, staying out of trouble...," she continued on, and her voice was sharp and condescending.
How many times had you heard her repeat the same things, trying to mold you in her image, trying to give you the role that she had always wanted for herself? You swallowed hard, keeping your composure even as the anger boiled inside you.
"Photography is not a career. It's an art and art doesn't pay the bills," your mother added with disdain.
"Well, art sure pays your bills, because you did not work for years and still have a roof over your head because your husband clearly earns enough money acting," you replied calmly, taking a sip of your water. You glanced at Cillian, who was sitting quietly, seemingly lost in thought. Sadie, however, was busy coloring with crayons, oblivious to the tension around her.
"That's different," your mother retorted, frowning at you. "Cillian is smart about his work while you, on the other hand, are reckless," she continued on, causing Cillian to sigh heavily.
"Marion, enough," he simply said, shaking his head probably taking pity in you and your current situation. "Can't we just enjoy our meal together as a family?" he then asked, and your mother huffed but said nothing more.
The rest of the meal passed in silence, with only Sadie occasionally breaking the awkward atmosphere with her chatter.
After dinner, you offered to help Cillian with the dishes, stacking the rinsed off plates
by the sink while he loaded them into the dishwasher. As he worked, you couldn't help but notice the way his sleeves were rolled up his arms and his hands moved with ease, his fingers deftly maneuvering the utensils as he placed them in their designated spots in the dishwasher. He had incredible hands, almost perfect, and whilst this was a small thing, it was also oddly intimate, and you felt the heat creeping up to your cheeks as you watched him.
You shook your head slightly, mentally chastising yourself for reacting in such a way.
Cillian was your stepfather, nothing more, and yet there was no denying the way your heart skipped a beat when his hand brushed against yours as you both reached for the same dish.
He smiled at you as he caught you looking, and your face flushed with heat.
"Thanks for helping me with these," Cillian then said as he closed the dishwasher with a soft click. He wiped his hands on a nearby towel and turned to face you, his eyes finding yours. "And, you know, I'm sorry about the whole house arrest thing. If there's anything I can do to make it easier for you, just let me know."
His words caught you off guard. It had been a long time since anyone had extended their help to you without expecting something in return. You hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say. "Thank you," you finally managed to say. "But it's fine," you nodded. "Thank you for letting me stay here," you added astutely, trying to put a positive spin on the situation.
Cillian gave a slight smile, "Of course," he then said before
turning to walk back towards the living room. "I better go keep your mother company," he said, pausing for a moment before adding, "And, I meant what I just said about the house arrest, if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask me."
Left alone in the kitchen, you couldn't help but replay that moment over and over again in your mind. You tried to shake it off as just a kind gesture and not something more, but something about the way he looked at you left you questioning yourself, leaving a strange flutter in your chest.
Shaking of these thoughts, you went to your room in order to find something to read or maybe even draw. But of course, your mother had got rid of most of your art supplies when you moved out, claiming that it was all just a waste of money.
Thus, after you got changed into a singlet and some PJ shorts, you made your way back downstairs, recalling a few large shelves stacked with books in the study, which was locate right next to the living room.
Cillian was still sitting with your mother on a comfortable couch but, much to your surprise, there was a large gap between them. He was reading a book while she watched some reality TV show with her uncritical gaze.
When you entered the room, Cillian looked up from his book and his eyes were immediately drawn to you, taking in your form, even though there was nothing particularly sexy about what you were wearing.
He felt the heat grow in his chest, dimming his thoughts and distracting him from the lines of text that he had been attempting to read which, to him, was a strange sensation and not one he had expected.
Thinking that you had gone unnoticed, you walked into the study and towards one of the large bookshelves before flicking through the spines of the countless novels stacked up haphazardly along the rows.
But then, suddenly, you heard a familiar voice from behind you.
"Can't find anything interesting?" Cillian asked, making you jump and drop the book you had been holding in your hands and, almost simultaneously, you dropped to your knees to pick it up, your heads bumping into each other.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" you exclaimed, your hands flying up to your forehead instinctively as you tried to steady the pounding that had started there.
"No, it's my fault," Cillian apologized, his voice close behind you and he put his hand on your shoulder, causing tingles to run down your spine. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," you said as you turned and looked up at him, your eyes meeting briefly.
"I was trying to find a novel and, god, there are so many to choose from in here," you added, gesturing towards the towering bookshelf that seemed to stretch up towards the high ceiling.
Cillian chuckled, "Well, I do read a lot, but don't worry, I can give you a few recommendations if you want them," he said, a playful twinkle in his eye.
"I would love some recommendations, actually," you said, your face lighting up. "Something about, I don't know, human nature I suppose. I love reading stories about conflicted individuals or history," you said, with a light shrug of your shoulders.
Cillian smiled at your answer, "Did you read the Grass Arena?" he asked, his voice full of curiosity.
You nodded, "Yes, I did. The story was dark but tantalizing," you mentioned, leaving Cillian a little surprised. "I think it's really good book," you smiled, causing Cillian to furrow his eyebrows.
"A really good book huh?" he echoed, a gentle laugh escaping his lips. "It's one of the best, I think. John Healy's work should be regarded as an invaluable contribution to literature," he declared, and you couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm, momentarily getting lost in his bright blue eyes.
"Okay, I agree. It's probably in my top ten," you whispered, before shaking yourself out of your trance-like state, adding, "So, any other recommendations then?"
Cillian nodded, his eyes lighting up with excitement as he guided you towards a different bookshelf.
"I think you might like this one," he said as he pulled out a tattered copy of 'On the Road' by Jack Kerouac, the pages yellowed with age. "I know it's a classic, but it's always a good read and you love travelling, so if you haven't read it yet, you should," he added, his voice full of warmth.
You took the book from him gratefully while inadvertently brushing against his hand. Your palms grew warm and tingly, causing you to look up at him with wide eyes. Cillian's eyes locked with yours and there was a charge between you, a current thrumming beneath the surface that tickled your skin.
"Uhm, thank you ," you mumbled, sliding the book from his grip and stepping back. He nodded, seeming to understand the sudden need for space.
"Sure thing," he said, before turning to head back to the living room. "Goodnight, Y/N," he told you and you nodded, taking a deep breath to calm your racing heart before tucking the book under your arm and heading to your bedroom.
so in 1991, devastated by the abrupt departure of her childhood love from their hometown without so much as a letter goodbye, Alabama native and the only child of the town’s beloved late preacher-man, Ethel Cain finds herself disconnected from the world around her. She is at odds with her mother, her upbringing, and herself. Bored at best, she finds herself mindlessly entertaining another relationship that ends violently. Confronted with this sudden loss, as well as new revelations about old wounds, she is desperate to ditch town. She sets off on foot for Nowhere, USA, aimless with nothing but her dirty clothes and a waterlogged pistol. It is there, on the wide open road, she meets a handsome stranger. With nowhere to go and a need for anything to believe in, she tags along. It is also there, on the wide open road, she discovers that love is so often misguided. In the end, she comes to terms with life’s bitter unfairness, and moves on through the light of forgiveness.
i hope the anonymous person who sent the "i used to live in your house. i'm drunk in boston and it's the only address i know. happy holidays" postcard is aware that they wrote my favourite poem
turnnoffyourmind
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