sundi

[sundisai]

tiptoeing,

reading the room

I’ve stopped taking my medication

so please call me back soon

time’s ticking

twenty something, drunk and hopeless

positivity and meditation are not helping at all

am I in a car on a dead end road?

the cure is not coming and I don’t care anymore

I’m not watching where I step anymore

I’m falling

falling

falling

it’s like a melody I’ve heard before

[sundisai]

losing

breaking things

causing scenes

if i see you

i’ll make sure you remember it

blindly in love

you’re like a bad joke now

let’s find a meaning in us

let’s be drunk in love

let’s go to spain

one month later i’m screaming “you’re so vain”

that song wasn’t about you

open my door

buy me flowers

sip from my beer and say it tastes ten times better

look at us now

we are so, so, so over

[sundisai]

I trust you

and your hand on my shoulder

music is getting louder

I’m dancing around your lies

It’s gonna take me seconds to figure you out

when you speak it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

I didn’t go home last time

I think i should go home this time

would it be better to kill you with a knife so sharp

than with this silence so loud

I still think about it sometimes

[sundisai]

from seeing stars to being choked by the devils

our feelings change like the seasons

it seems like i’d be dead without medication

it’s 1 a.m. and i’m drunk crying in the backseat of a taxi

is it really this hard to love me?

these questions linger at the back of my mind

i’m in the same place no matter how much I run, cry and try

i need a good kiss from your lips before we say goodbye

it’s been a year

it felt like dying so many times

[sundisai]

dilated eyes,

you said i was everywhere you looked

even when i wasn’t there

you lost me right there where you found me

same bar, bad songs and beers

i said i’m leaving

you said i got it all wrong

“you’re all in your head and i did nothing wrong”

it was scary to see how easily someone could lie

right to my face

now i’m alone again

i looked at your face for the last time before i got into the taxi

just like that, you lost me

[sundisai]

is it embarrassing to say

i’m good when my baby’s good?

i guess you have a place in my heart that i don’t want to admit

you keep calling me yours, i don’t get it

i begged for this forever

now you give me a bouquet with a note that says “we will always be together”

i breathe in, i breathe out

some days we try not to fall apart

i said your mistakes ruined the love spell

and you said “it wasn’t magic, it’s real

and i’ll make it okay”

my icy heart melted there

in a stupid love movie kind of way

[sundisai]

you were dead in my eyes

just one memory was enough to bring you back to life from your ashes

my world shakes with one question

what would happen if I stayed

your promises became a knife and stabbed me in the back

three years later i’m still haunted by what if’s

i forgot your home’s street and the taste of your lips

you were the only forever i believed in

then i became this monster,

i became this hurricane

all i do is leave the door open and wait for them to leave

[sundisai]

i hate being involved

i hate being under control

thinking made me lose sleep and dreams

“should i change my hair?

am i getting addicted to my medication?

am i really the person they say, do i need meditation?

why do things turn upside down?

why do i keep finding myself defeated on the ground?”

lights changing when it’s getting late

blue to purple and now red

we’re going home, all my clothes are wet

it rains and rains

on the way home i think i’m better off alone

and that’s the way things always end

[sundisai]

tragedy,

my pale face looks more dead now

summer blues

“is this the right thing to do?”

signs are never there when you need them

magic never works when you’re desperately in pain

the hand that wakes you up from nightmares won’t be here anymore

i have blood all over my ugly face

ice cold days broke my bones

i used to be so pure and so sure

about life and love

now i’m trying to understand what it did to me

[sundisai]

something very very bad is happening

he loves me, he loves me not

they rip me up

i saw it in a dream last night

running means nothing when you’re tied to stones as heavy as your doubts

i spent the whole night wondering if i could make this right

but no one’s willing to get into a burning house

i have no time left

the rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper

i’m so far from waking up

tell me quick

does he love me

or does he not

[sundisai]

our love is a reviving ghost

and it’s tapping at my window

your hummings still at my ear from the times you used to call

now all i have is a couple of clothes

that smell like you

pain is leaking from my eyes

i’m not allowed to cry

everyone says this is the right thing to do

but i still think it can’t be true

[sundisai]

you’re my husband

you’re a stranger passing by the street

i’m thinking about us while staring at the ceiling

i’m lying fully awake listening to you breathe

we’re a cliche, we’re a sad love song

we can’t take our hands off from each other

lusting over me is easier than giving me your all

you said “i can’t promise i won’t call”

i can’t be asking for too much

i guess i’m not the one you want

[sundisai]

wet city streets

cold winds

walking hand in hand and we saw your friends

took a seat at their table,

they were freshly engaged

something about it made us wonder

is this what we wanted?

your eyes were shining and that night you told me you loved me when we were in bed

i stayed silent till the last minute

later we were invited to their house for dinner

we were miserable and i didn’t even look at your face

on the way home

i guess you were sure that it wasn’t what you wanted

and you started to miss your past

all the memories you had

without me

feels like a knife stabbing me

[sundisai]

a broken record player

playing our song

it reminds me of the times my ring hanging from your necklace

you laughed and kissed it

making big mistakes took my hand from yours

i told you to be careful than before

we reconnected after two years

you took someone in your heart and lost her

and i looked for something better

i guess we both couldn’t find it

love’s a lucky charm

you have to be careful to hold it

but your touch was poisonous and your footsteps cursed

anywhere you go

you bring this sorrow with you

and all of my days turn to blue

because of you

[sundisai]

the murder of a love or a burden

a gunshot to the memories

now our days are passing while we stare at different ceilings

if i’m so good at cutting things off

why the bleeding never stops?

my nightmares are all about the things i’m missing out on or have lost

[sundisai]

I remember when I came here to visit

I’d open my window and smoke

and say this city never gets cold

after years, I moved back in

all I can feel now is the freeze in my bones

it’s hard to act like nothing happened

for a long time you were all that I wanted

now we see different dreams

we feel different feelings

I forgot the times you were mine

people call it healing

[sundisai]

I had an empty house

I painted all the walls with the colour of your feelings

you started to say “us” after the nights we watched the same ceiling

more than a year

I ate your lies like candies

my friend asked “do you really think this is what love is?”

temper, storms, broken glasses all over the house

I live behind the shadows while you live for the applause

my hysterias won’t leave us alone

you have to go