Wondering Around

🌻 Sunflower queen

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

A long week after.

My long week of rest from work is ending soon and I've realized that taking a break is essential to one's well-being; and that being around my family has been so wonderful. It's like I'm getting to know them again because I get to interact with them for longer hours in the day, something that I can't do on my rest days since they're mostly asleep the time I'm awake. We indulged ourselves with sharing funny stories to each other, laughing at everyone's stupid mistakes then went on talking about life choices while smoking cigarettes. We spent so many hours talking and laughing over the silliest things.

I had so much fun being around the people who truly matters. It felt like an eternity and that the world is in standstill when I'm with them. It feels so good that I got rooted back to where I'm supposed to be, my feet stuck steady and securely touching the ground. I remembered the child-like things I enjoy that I somehow managed to lose track of since I was busying "adulting" hard. I was living life so fast that being with them reminded me to take things slowly, by day, hour, minute and second; to savor every moment and live in it. I have to slow down, jump off the train, walk away from the fast life and reassess all my decisions, re-envision my goals and re-evaluate how I'm living my life. I get to remind myself that these are the people I want to surround myself with--that they should be my standard for everything. I wake up each morning saying my prayers, thanking God for my family. It's a never-ending hymm of thanks for God. I'm way blessed than I imagine I could ever be, and though I feel that I'm so undeserving of it, God continuously provides.

I feel renewed, recharged and reminded of how life should be lived. Apparently, this has been a long post, I just really wanted to say that this long week is truly life-changing! <3

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

I’m trying out something new. :)

[leahberman]

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

I always felt like the world is moving so fast and yet I’m just there, standing still. And I have no idea of where I’m supposed to go or do. I’m just there, lost. I hated myself for not know what to do because I always know that I’m supposed to be doing something with my life. I felt unhappy, and not contented above anything else.

For so long, I’m lost with no direction, without leads or guide. I crawled and scoured my life. I lived in a routine. A cycle of things that I should do everyday not because I like to do it, but because I have to. I am obligated to do it. Adulting? Yes, maybe I was and I came to realize that I’m doing it the wrong way that’s why I was never really happy of the things I try to create or do. I was so busy trying to grow up, making sure I covered all my responsibilities that I forgot that I have to breathe and live in the moment.

I’m a girl who does a lot of things all at once. A multi-tasker who can get things done. I’m a hobbyist who can pick up one hobby to another. I was writing stories then when I tried to learn watercolor painting. At the time that I was confident enough with watercolor painting, I started to practice photography, in which I had to pick up my own DSLR camera; and now, I’m learning calligraphy. I pick up one too many things along my way until I realize that I have been holding onto too many things at once. I’m holding to people whom I call friends who never remembers to say hi. I’m keeping letters I never sent, gifts that I never really needed. I always felt like the world revolved around me so fast, that sometimes, I bothers me that I cannot keep up with everything. While most of the time, I really don’t mind if I’m not caught up with the latest., though I must admit, it kinda bother me.

I once stood in front of a mirror and asked myself, “What makes you happy?”, “Was I even really happy?”. Questions kept pouring in until I started crying because of the reality that I never really was happy with whatever I was doing. I wasn’t happy with whom I’ve because, of who I molded myself into. I was not happy anymore, that’s the truth.

I was growing up way too fast. I’m trying so hard to adult up that I got so caught up with responsibilities and obligations that I can take slowly. I wanted to finish everything so bad that I was actually rushing myself into a void helplessness. I was pushing myself into feeling bad instead of being actually happy.

That was the time that I called up to Him, I prayed silently, asking for guidance. I said, “Lord, show me the way to be truly happy.” I know that this sounds very silly, but I did. I asked Him to teach me how to be happy, how to appreciate every, small thing about life so that I won’t miss out, or I won’t feel that I missed out. I don’t want to suffer from FOMO anymore. I’m letting go of the anxiety it brings me. I’m letting go of trying so hard to make the right decisions on being an adult. I’m gonna stop being so predictable of the things that everyone expects of me. (I guess, not all the time because sometimes, you have to be really serious too.) I just wanted to be happy.

After praying and crying, my heart felt so full. The emptiness that I held because of my unhappiness suddenly faded away. It’s like I was renewed. I was given a new heart. I was suddenly full of love and compassion, and my eyes felt like I’m able to see through people, my mind has been cleared and I felt inspired to write again. I, or God, may have awaken the sleeping faith that I used to have.

I always knew I had faith in me, I just needed this to allow it shed me some light. Now, I take it upon myself to keep this light that God has given me to burn even more brighter or if not, just keep on burning and never to lose it again. I don’t ever want to feel so cornered in the dark anymore nor do I want to feel unhappiness.

I’m Aye, twenty-four. I used to be lost, now I found my way.

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

He wasn’t the poet, she was, and he’s been nothing but poetry all along.

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

To the one I didn’t love back

I’m letting you know that I tried so hard to allow myself feel what you want me to feel. Let it be known that I didn’t care of what people might tell me, what they would warn me of and that I shrugged off anything negative that came along. I hope I could tell you that at some point of my life, my heart skipped a beat for you and that I believed in you.

How can a girl say no to someone who will do anything for her? To embrace all her flaws and shortcomings. To continue on adoring and understanding every single thing she did not see as beautiful? And a person who will stand up and do whatever his heart desires.And to imagine that we would have watched all our favorite movies, debated on how the book I'm reading is far more awesome than the movie that you're watching, and a lot more if only I tried harder. I could have taken it to another level, but I chose not to.

Why? It’s not just about the first love I couldn’t get over with. It’s probably because I’m afraid. I’m frightened that I couldn’t love you the way you would love me. I’m scared that I may put all of my frustrations with failed relationships upon your shoulders and you’ll drown with hate and regret towards me. I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable after what happened. I’m afraid to fall so hard that I will not be able to heal myself and crawl out alive.

I don’t want you to put band-aid on my wound and stitch up the scars I have. I don’t want you to fix me or whatever it is in me that’s broken. I don’t want you to put up with me because you don’t have you nor because you want or need to. I don’t want to burden you anymore because I feel that I’m not worthy of you and whatever it is you are putting on the table when I know that I will not be able to return any of it. I don’t want you to feel that you need to stay and wait for me until I feel okay or good or I’ve gotten better.

There are no words enough to express how much I would like to thank you for choosing me, for wanting to risk something so big for me and I’m honored. You have a good heart and anyone who can catch that would understand how delicate and wonderful you are. And yet there’s me and my need to apologize for not wanting any of it.

I'm sorry for giving you false hope, for not trying hard enough and for being a coward. I hope you get the happiness that you deserve because you deserve that more than anyone else.

You don’t need to worry of me, only time can tell when I’ll be okay and open my heart up again. I want to thank you for being a part of this journey and for all the little things we shared along the way.

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

And then it hits you, the reality that you cannot go back to where things were still fresh. Everything I have used to associate you with became awful demons crawling up to me, asleep or awake and that's not even the scary part. It's the actual realization that I cannot accept the fact that I'm in love with you. Everything is there. My fears, I've seen flash right before my eyes when I saw you in clear vision, slomo. It felt so surreal, amazing but I was scared. Fear had engulfed me and there was no chance through hell and back that I wanted to risk it. I was too scared to fall so deeply, madly in love with you that I just gave you up without putting up a proper fight. I let go as soon as I was about to reach to you. I stopped walking towards you. I just dropped the whole idea of falling in love with you... but I failed. Love is a force you cannot stop. It's a natural phenomenon that happens and when it does, there's no turning back. You just fall in love, you fall straight into it and my fear didn't stop me from falling in love with you, it did otherwise. I know words fall so empty for you, and I admit, these words have little to zero meaning because it's all too late. I will wrap myself into sleep, trying to remember our warm conversations that we used to have like TV shows in black and white reruns, hoping that once I wake up, time would erase you so easily. You're a sad, beautiful, tragic love I would write about until I move on to the next person whom I would either have my heart broken or his. You're the love that I will never have and I accepted that you're far much better off with someone else. You're that love that I will remember all too well. You're that kind of love that was worth the risk but I didn't. You're that kind of love, pure and I have to say it now. Your kind of love has always been the kind that I was always drawn into. You and love are both such funny things my life would suck without. You, thank you for allowing me to love you like this.

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

Webtoon Catch-Up!

Ever since I discovered Naver Webtoon, I got hooked with a lot of webtoons. I was first introduced to the website when Michelle Phan created her own webtoon titled “Helios Femina” on the site. At first, I really didn’t want to sign up since I’m just really curious about Michelle’s webtoon but basically, after I read Helios Femina’s first chapters, I went on discovering new webtoons and here I am, one year later, still reading webtoons on the site.

I do read leisurely at work however, I resigned from my job which means all of my bookmarked chapters are gone since everything has been done on my workstation computer. And even though you have an account on Webtoon, it seems that it doesn’t really keep track of the chapters you’ve read once you transfer to a different computer.

And so my struggle begins. I did create a list of webtoons that I read and luckily for me, I clicked on the subscribe button! Because I have the tendency of not doing it since I’m lazy.

Here are some webtoons I’m currently reading (still on-going) and I’m also going to insert some webtoons that I’ve finished.

Icon references: 🌸 On-going Webtoons, has regular update schedules ⭐️ Completed Webtoons 🔥 On-going Webtoons, has no regular update schedules, if they do, they take a while for respective authors to update (I’m not really demanding for an update, it happens and this is just a disclaimer)

🌸 Oh! Holy, ahyun - a story about a loner guy who has the ability to see the dead and the popular girl he likes until *spoiler* she kinda somehow died.

⭐️ Asleep Beside You, F. Arnott - two people meeting in through their dreams and romance brews.

🌸 Noblesse, Jeho Son/Kwangsu Lee - i don’t even know where to start with this! it’s about Rai, who woke up after 800 years of being asleep and he starts his life anew as a high school student under the school that was founded by his loyal servant, Frankenstein.

🌸 Winter Woods, Cosmos/Van Ji - Winter is created by an alchemist a few years back and he stumbles upon Jane who is a writer and teaches him how to be alive like a human.

🌸 unOrdinary, uru-chan - the story is rotating with John being the “cripple” (a student without powers) and Seraphina who happens to be a high-tier (in terms of power)

🌸 Ecstasy Hearts, silentmaru - Anya, being the daughter of two world class tennis player, wanted to conquer the domain of Professional Tennis until her destined rival came.

🌸 Siren's Lament, instantmiso - Mermaid, curse, human. However, Lyra wasn’t fully consumed by the curse which leads her and Ian (the siren who tried to pass on the curse to Lyra) find out why the curse glitched out.

🌸 Cheese in the Trap, soonkki - the college/university life that I never had, just kidding! Seol is a uni-girl who just came from a break and got involved with Mr. Perfect, Jung. Seol now believes that her life drastically changed ever since being with Jung.

🌸 Kind of Confidential, Vivian Darlin - a story about a normal girl and a fallen superhero. I haven’t really read it through unlike the others in this list but I really like the concept of the story and that art though!

🌸 Super Secret, eon - cute story about a girl who is friends with a boy werewolf!

🌸 Always Human, walkingnorth - two girls in love, conquering anything that comes their way. What more can I say!!

🌸 The Strange Tales of Oscar Zahn, Tri Vuong - following the adventures of paranormal investigator Oscar Zahn. He’s a skull floating above a body but it’s paranormal and it’s normal.

🌸 New Normal: Class 8, youngpaka - stories of normal high school students with not-so-normal students.

🌸 Adamsville (currently on hold for Season 3), Michael Regina - two friends trying to save their towns as they try to piece and unravel their parent’s past.

🌸 Heroin Chic (currently on hold for Season 3), David Tischman/Audrey Mok - Fashion and superhero costumes, Zoe is a designer for superheroes to make sure that they not only save the world but they do it in style.

⭐️ Orange Marmalade (Seokwoo), Where Tangents Meet (instantmiso), For the Sake of Sita (Haga),  Annarasumanara (Ilkwon Ha)

🔥 Outside the Box (momo), My Dandelion (omoen), A Thirst of Angels (School of Night), Strawberry Seafoam (KagomesArrow), Unlovable Replacement (nylana), Heartbeats per Second (mjbee)

I hope you guys are able to read all these awesome webtoons and support the creators! They all have wonderful art and the concepts are amazing! 💖💖

[sunflowermoonie-blog]

So, this new blog.

I have been fighting over my thoughts on creating a new blog just because I have been on the same blog for over five years and there’s literally no way on saving my content on that blog. I cannot redeem myself over there anymore and obviously, I created a new one. Why? Well, I wanted my blog to be as personal as I can make it to be. My former blog, bless, has been all over the place. There’s too much concept that I didn’t pick up constantly which leads me to make a new one and drop it again, so I’m hoping that making this new blog will make me more consistent with my concepts, topics and with writing itself.

My plans for this blog is simple: to be able to post about whatever I’m up to. If I’m lucky to be out of town, I would get to post photos and share my experience with the place I stayed at. I just hope that I can really write constantly and consistently. I will have a writing schedule for this blog for the first few months so I can get a hang of writing again, organize my thought process and create content that I, myself, would want to read.

ps. I will also make use of the tags which I never really took advantage of before.