It was a softer way to put it, without using obvious words. Airmid had to comeback, she needed to return, get surprised with her son’s gift and appreciate it every morning. The goddess would lie if she said that last night hadn’t been spent with tears of fear, thinking of the consequences that could or couldn’t appear while she was there. The very own thought she wouldn’t see Sungjong again, or anyone that she loved crushed her spirit. The feel of wanting to cry was coming up yet, as he started to speak, Airmid shook those thoughts away.
Nodding along his words, her heart shrank. She had to keep her posture but the feel of acknowledging her son had gone through such hard time in his life. Mood stabilizers. Airmid was no doctor but through centuries she had her fair share of reading and studying the human’s mind and body. And as far as she knew, mood stabilizers were used as a maintenance therapy for bipolar or depressed people. With the tea now served, Airmid held a cup with her left hand and reached for Sungjong’s with her right hand. She only wished to listen, however a brief sound of concern and shock could be heard as the demi-god revealed his attempts of suicide. “Sungjong…”
His father was wise and it relieved her slightly to know Sungjong had gone through this and had that man besides him. She would need to one day, thank him deeply and in person. At his smile, she warmed up and grinned as well. Feeling quite excited about Jisun. “Such an uncommon birthdate.” She chuckled, trying to lighten up the mood. Airmid had millions questions about her granddaughter. Did she look like Sungjong? Was she a bubbly child or a reserved one? Yet, Airmid’s excited mind stopped and the word ‘was’ echoed. Was? She kept silent, holding herself from taking sudden conclusions.
Has he walked away, Airmid moved to the couch, cautiously not stepping in any ink or brush. Taking the photoalbum on her lap, her eyes would widened and sparkle at the sight of the lovely Jisun. Cherishing every picture, closely scanning it to take all it’s beauty inside her mind and her heart, Airmid concern over the way he described the child also hovering. Chuckling at the image of Jisun telling the story to him, Airmid looked back at him. It hit her hard. Eyes tearing up at the sight of Sungjong tears, Airmid turned him to her and held Sungjong tightly as he kept explaining.
“I’m sorry Sungjong.” Holding him and stroking his hair, Airmid spoke with a soft voice. She was sorry he had to go through all of that, she was sorry she wasn’t there to teach him. It hit her that her abscence didn’t affect only her child but also the people he would later love. Airmid felt guilty, yes. But she had to put it away, focus and stop being selfish for once in her life. Letting him go, she would hold his face with her palms and look closely into his eyes, cleaning his tears with her thumbs.
“Sungjong, you ran to your daughter when you could barely walk. You put your health and safety aside in order to protect her from the very second she was born.” There was no way Airmid could heal the hurt behind such past. It wasn’t possible. She could only aim to make her son see that unfortunately, we cannot bend what fate was settled for us. “You held her and you were there for her whole life. You didn’t fail as a father. Life failed on you. I am sorry, so sorry I wasn’t there for you and your daughter.”
Sungjong felt like an entire weight had been lifted from his chest. He couldn't lie about being a parent. He'd lost his daughter and if he'd lost his wife, he'd have been a widow. If he'd lost his parents he'd have been an orphan. But he didn't, he lost a child and there wasn't a word for that. There wasn't an easy way to say it. He had to explain the whole story. He didn't even know why his mother had listened to him while staring at the photos. Sungjong hoped that she got a good impression of his daughter and how perfect she was from looking at the photos. Although maybe he was a little bias being the girl's father.
Sungjong's hand didn't feel heavy in his mothers, he felt protected. He felt safe with his mother. He wasn't going to tell her more about his battle with his own mind, that was something she didn't need to know. He loved his mother but reliving that part of his life was something he didn't want to do. Because his mother had dealt with enough sadness in her life. Sungjong imagined the choice to leave her children must've been hard. He couldn't imagine how strong she must've been to leave her children. He knew she had a good reason - because he could feel the warmth and love practically radiating off his mother.
Sungjong smiled a little. "We thought it was amusing, her birthdate. I have a tattoo on my rib cage with her dates on." He wondered how his mom felt about the idea of tattoos. He only had the one on his rib cage, and he'd gotten it because he knew that it was something he was never going to stop loving. 11/11/11 had not just been the birth of his daughter but also the day he made the choice to try to fight his own brain when it told him things that were not good. He didn't want to tell his mother that after his daughter's death his demons came back stronger - he knew that would only upset her more.
"I'm sorry mom, I should have been stronger." He breathed a little trying to stop crying knowing he was probably only hurting his mother more. "I just, I couldn't do it." He couldn't help but think that it was his fault. that he should have found some way to save her. That he should have loved her harder, fought harder, let himself die so she could live but he shouldn't do it. He couldn't change what had happened and he couldn't bring his daughter back. He missed her with every fibre of his being. He missed being a daddy. He missed tucking her in at night. And now he missed her in a way he didn't know. He missed her for the relationship she could have had with her grandmother.
"It's ok mom. I know you had a good reason for not being there." He had never told her that he felt that way but he couldn't help how he felt. He loved his mother and it might be a weird reaction, but he wasn't mad at her for missing most of his life. He knew that she would have had no other choice. He could just feel it. He knew how loving his mother was and there was no way she was the type to just abandon wastefully.
"You're here now and that's all that matters." Sungjong said quietly. That was all that was ever going to matter. That Airmid was part of his life now, and she was an important part of his life at that. He was so glad to have found her at last. He wished he could share only good parts of his life but he knew that with all light there was dark and that was the same for life.
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