a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut
kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes
remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50β²s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response
briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada
remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united statesΒ
look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. itβs devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and askΒ βhey you wanna bang?β and youβd sayΒ βhell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinnerβ
remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you
enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday
order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just saidΒ βbonjourβ instead ofΒ βbonjour, hi.β you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.
exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. itβs burning your fingers.
return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open
ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, youβre a lesbian and punkβs not dead
release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5β²2β³ 110lb body into it
you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways
open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMYβS HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat
cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home
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