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@sunkcostandallthat
A walk along the lake, a stop to admire a large tree, a tip to a saxophone player, a summer a little too sweet ice cream, a never ending conversation, Apérol Spritz, summer night turned a little too cold, a walk to layered up, a moment shared next to the box theatre, another moment shared behind the closed door on Neustadt-Voltastrasse, and a quarter to one sleepiness.
Words by: @thesanitysipper
The story was real but it belongs to the past.
“Defender of the Ancients”
“If I do not heal what was broken in you, then why am i here at all?”
There is something in you that constantly feels the need to fix the errors in me. I, wanted you to stay, pretended to be broken parts. Little did you know, I was glued back together the very first day you held my hand and I leaned on your right shoulder. You shared your bite with me, drank my milk tea, left notes for my birthday, and tagged me in memes. I thought perhaps you will be my Carl, the Defender Of The Ancient. I knocked on your door with baked goods because you will be going to the battle with a head start and a note I slid under the ribbon. I do not know what went wrong along the way, maybe the dire captured your heart or that you did not equip yourself enough items to be able to come to my rescue. But somewhere along the line, I learned to be strong on my own. I stopped relying on the spells you had to invoke to save my heart. I learned to set myself aside for the better of you. Not long after, I, someone who needed to be saved, became a savior myself. I watched you build yourself up as our gaps grew farther. In the end, it does not matter if the dire decides to seize your heart until the end of time or has enough sympathy to return it back to you. What matter is, I will always have my tele-porter ready when your day gets darker, when you use up all your abilities, when the cool-down feels like forever, or when you just need a distraction. And when you need to hide, I will cast a smoke for you to stand under. But if, if you really get back your heart someday, I hope you realize that I was all along pretending to be broken just so you could always be around. I promise to never deny your call to arms. When you are too exhausted to continue, I hope you see that I always have my healing wards ready, no matter the mana drainage.
I hope on the day when i am too weak to fight for you, you come home to me. I hope you remember that there is a place in my chest built just for you.
In the end, it is true that you never came home to me.
The Dire did keep your heart and sealed it closed. Our gap really did grow further. I kept waiting for that call to arms that never came.
Instead, one day I woke up to a scroll from you, saying all the things you were too afraid to say back then.
For a brief moment, I was angry.
Angry at all the could-have-beens.
At the fact that we were both Radiant once, until somewhere along the way you turned Dire.
But it turns out the villain in our story was never the Dire.
And it was never you.
You did care.
But the war I was waiting for never came, and the battlefield slowly disappeared.
So you made Dire your home.
And I built mine somewhere back in the Radiant.
Maybe in another life.
But not this one.
In this life, you are someone else’s Carl.
And I —
I am my own Witch Doctor.
I asked my friend, "how do i make peace with something i almost had?"
He answered, "by accepting that you didn't have it in the first place.”
This.
February 2024
The world 1 - 0 Me
It’s the grief of emotional investment, future plans, imagined forever, and the version of yourself that existed when you loved them… dying all at once.
What if you had been brave? What if i hadn’t left to Switzerland? What if we were able to name our feelings out loud back then?
Yesterday, 14 February 2026, I let go of the same person i had let go of six years ago.
I woke up to a text message from him that came six years too late. And i spent my morning crying in my hotel room’s shower. I did not know why i cried but i did. Something hurts. Something i couldn’t name. It’s not that i still love him. It’s the heaviness of the twisted fate. It’s the ugliness of timing. It’s the boy who chose silent because he was being careful. It’s the girl who left because she felt hopeless. And after that conversation, it felt like my heart broke all over again. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world to be the one to sit with all the feelings that has nowhere to go.
“I think people would be happier if they admitted things more often. In a sense we are all prisoners of some memory, or fear, or disappointment—we are all defined by something we can’t change.”
— Simon Van Booy
“Because sometimes the reason this hits so hard
is not that we want them now —
but that a past version of us
finally got chosen…
just too late.”
“I would happily eat any salmon pizza, only if it was ordered by you.”, you said when i was whimpering about ordering an awful tasted pizza.
“The dough is perfect, though. In fact, i have never eaten a dough this crusty.”, reassuring me like there’s not an ounce of regret leaving the decision up to me.
At the end of that night, you finished the whole pizza all by yourself and planted a kiss on my cheek.
I have never been so in love.
It’s been years after our date at that little italian place, things have been so different now. That was the first time i ever fell for a guy first. On my birthday in 2020 he wrote me that he was just too scared he would ruin what we already had. It broke my heart reading that card, but it was also the time i learned to let go of him. Before Switzerland, he finally popped the question asking if i’d like to see us together. It’s not that i had stopped loving him, but i had to tell him that it’s best if we stayed friend. And a few months later, he got engaged. I congratulated on his wedding day. It’s a funny thing to see the guy you haven’t stopped loving being married to a girl. They look happy. I am happy for them.
It’s been years since then. Today he came and said “Timing is a bitch, aint it?” - “Indeed.”
In the end, we never make it. I think it is safe to say he will always be my favorite “what-if”.
"Realizing you outgrew the dream when the dream stayed the same."
“One day you’ll laugh so much that you’ll forget you have scars.”
— Benjamín Griss
