Cat

Cat: "the bouncy sleepy bar of chocolate (that dances)." I am: mother, sister, daughter, friend, travel agent, dancer, Christian.

[sunnycat]

In case you're wondering where my house stands, we made new posters today cause the original one wouldn't stay on the wall.

[sunnycat]

I did the grocery shop and put it away and hung out the clean laundry and cooked the steak before I sat down.

And now my box of maltesers is half empty and I'm still sad.

We'll stay in touch. It won't be the same. I'm pretty sure it will be ok, whatever it morphs into, but it won't be the same. She won't be a 10 minute drive away. We'll have to plan instead of just texting on a Saturday morning to see what's going on. She won't be around if I need help with the kids. It won't be the same.

[sunnycat]

Sitting outside my friend's house "maybe see you Tuesday...and if not, I'll see you in a month in Sydney!"

Zero motivation to go buy groceries right now.

[sunnycat]

Finding myself searching up gen alpha slang. I feel like this is going to consistently become a more regular feature of my life.

Gotta give chloe the biggest hug when I see her next.

She and her friends are talking in all sorts of ways that we couldn't. They run internal google classrooms at school to talk during class instead of passing notes. She has an ongoing shared google presentation slideset with her friend from a different school that they can both add to. Pinterest is her social media and main messenger. I had a landline attached to the wall. And actual note passing in class.

It's a whole different world out there. And I tell her I have an idea of what she shouldn't do because I was the generation that learned as the internet figured itself out. But actually it's a wildly different place now and I still feel like they're always one step ahead of how you try and keep them safe.

She's deep into tween/teen school drama life. Crushes and asking out and being asked out and being broken up with because they diidn't want to upset their sister who also thinks you're cute and being turned down because they're not allowed to date yet and talking your friends through 'omg he looked at me what do I do' crushes and feeling all the feelings about it all...

I just gotta keep reminding her I love her, I guess.

[sunnycat]

also though I don't want to have to walk into a new studio, meet new people, try out new teachers and all of those things

all over again

I've already done it so many times and I'm tired. I just want my friends and my dance classes to be in the same place at the same time, preferably at a time and location I can access.

But no, apparently we can't be doing that.

[sunnycat]

gosh I am struggling with the dance class availability tonight. I didn't mix well with the ballet teacher who's teaching this week, so that was a no go. I just want to dance. Every time I run down to jazz at the nearby one I somehow don't come out feeling great so that's probably not worth it. There's an open lyrical I could try but it's right across town and if I drive 30 minutes each way for an hour's class and hate it I'm also not going to be happy and I have no idea what the teacher will be like and the lyrical class reasonably close by I had been dropping in on has changed teachers and the new teacher is an absolutely not from me so I'm feeling kinda stuck. I can bounce on my trampoline but it's not the same. I want to dance.

also I think my period is on its way and so I want to cry anyway.

Trampoline it is, I guess.

[wetheurban]

August, please be gentle with me. I'm trying.

[sunnycat]

I only took a week off, but it feels so much longer. Eveeything will be slightly different when I get into the office tomorrow - desks shuffled, team adjusting, and I am trying so hard to get into a better headspace just in general for work.

Britt was really helpful this morning. We rarely have sessions like that - direct, focused, looking for solutions - because mostly I want to do the deeper emotional work with her. A lot of the time I can nut this sort of stuff out myself eventually, either alone or with the help of a friend, but it hasn't been the week for it and she was the right choice this time.

I'm still on edge though. It's been such an unpredictable year, and I think M has been affecting me more than I realised too. And some of that won't go away - I can't unsee the boss's behaviour even if she's behaving better at the moment (assuming she is). But I hope it will feel lighter and I can refocus my energy and have a better second half of the year.

I'm still not going to fit the branding neatly, but I think (hope) I can still find ways that will work okay for me.

[sunnycat]

I think, when I look back on this week off, I will remember the gentleness, the sweetness of the unexpected extra time with Chloe, and with Gen. It was a beautiful balance of pottering at home working on the one job I really wanted to get done, and spending time with some of the people I love the most, with no pressure, no planning, no trying to fit things in or make things work out or anything else. Just wandering through the days aa they came and yet today the corridor is completely finished, all the pictures we want up are back up, and I am starting to turn my thoughts towards work.

I have to be ready, on wednesday, to talk to my boss about how I plan to approach my year. And I haven't been able to get past my colleague's "we care". And everything we talked about as the things we want to do to set us apart - they're that extra mile of caring - gifts in hotels, tea when you come for an appointment, notes in your file about your kids and your pets. And I don't know if that's the travel agent I want to be and I don't know if being that travel agent is worth the energy it will take from me. I know I can learn how, but if I'm going to, I need to learn how with boundaries because I have spent the last few years pushing back against the people pleasing instincts taught to agents - the automatic yes to everything that we learned initially, and then that we unlearned in covid to some extent. And there's a lot of me that isn't in this business for the sort of place that remembers your tea order for when you come in for an appointment. I am, however, going to remember what sort of hotels you like, how you want to pay, and what you told me was next on your bucket list.

I do think it's a good next step for our store. I know it works. I know it's how some of my colleagues have built their businesses already. But I don't think it's what I want to do. But I don't think I want flight centre mall either. That's kinda too far the other way. My preferred option is and always will be community flight centre, but we don't have any, which leaves me kinda stuck with making a choice between not ideal and not ideal.

I have a session with Britt tomorrow. Hopefully I can come out of it with a little bit more clarity on where to go with this, at least for now.

[sunnycat]

My children are labelling a world map I bought because my soul cannot take "is Germany in England mum?" any more and Chloe just asked me if China was France and...I do not expect anyone to have the relatively nerd levels of world geography knowledge that I have, but I feel like there's a basic acceptable minimum level!

[sunnycat]

The hardest thing about these relationships changing, fading, whatever, is that the final knell has been -for all of them- seeing them be friends with Pete. Because if you're doing coffee with Pete, it's not just a break and a maybe there'll be a time in the future we can be friends again. It makes it very clear that there's no way for us to have the friendship I'd want to build.

Britt said something about me not doing superficial on Friday, and she is so right. I don't want superficial. I don't want to just go for coffee and chat about nothing, the latest tv show, the new sofa. Don't get me wrong, random stuff definitely comes into conversation but I can guarantee you I won't stay away from the stuff that cuts deep if we're talking.

I went through this loop without really understanding it with my dad when I stopped talking to him the minute he told me he'd been discussing our financial separation with Pete.

I went through it fully aware and with full consideration with Bestie first, back in the first months of trying to see where that was falling out. And then with S after I'd reached out at Christmas, and she'd responded - but then turned up at Pete's for dinner. And I reminded myself of it yesterday.

I so desperately wanted to talk to them at each of those times. Talk it out. Go back to what we'd had. And there was no way I could, not when they are friends with to Pete. Because I can't have those conversations, about the things that matter, with someone who is making closer friends with my ex husband, when I am trying to keep as much of my life as I can out of his line of sight. But it applies to everyone in the village, and it also applies to my dad. With varying levels and reasons of sting. If you chose him, you don't get a chance at me too. We can't do both. I wonder, I guess, if they thought they could, but if they thought that then they don't know me well enough. And Bestie, at the very least, should have known better than that.

My mum told me people don't stay friends with both sides of a separating couple. And I guess now I really do understand why. I don't think I'll ever understand, though, why that particular group of people landed on the side they did. It's going to take a long time for that particular part of the hurt to heal.

But heal it will, because I have a solid list of people who have chosen me, who continue to choose me, who want me in their lives just because I'm me. And they continue to show up, and I wouldn't trade any of them to get the others back, so on with the healing it is.

[sunnycat]

*tried.

[sunnycat]

all of them, it comes back to why?

why didn't he care

why didn't he care enough

why did they care more about him

why did they decide my story didn't matter

why did they not bother to consider me

why didn't they care

why did they decide someone else mattered more

And I guess I am learning to live with the idea that I'll probably never know. That I don't necessarily need to know. That they made their choices for their reasons, whatever they were, and that doesn't reflect on me, who I am, or what I did. It reflects on them.

And it's not worth asking any of them why they made those choices unless I'm prepared to hear the answer whatever it may be. It's not worth telling them how it made me feel unless I'm prepared for any response they choose to give (including nothing). Because otherwise I'll just reopen everything, all over again.

[sunnycat]

Comfort eating and weighted blanket curled up in a little ball on my sofa to soothe the tears tonight.

I miss them* so much.

[sunnycat]

You were there unexpectedly today, watching my girl play soccer

I wonder, do you go back and message the group chat?

"I saw her today. I ignored her. I didin't know what to do. I guess it was fine".

You avoided catching my eye when I smiled tentatively in your direction. Because I'd like to at least be able to smile and say hi.

You greeted my ex-husband though, hugged him - and both my girls

And then kept your back to me, put the rest of the small group in between us.

Am I that bad? Are you that unsure?

I wouldn't have done anything other than a smile, a hi, a wave.

But you couldn't even

Meet me

With that.

Do you realise your photo is still on my wall and your smile and warmth are still in my heart?

We may not talk now, but when we did, it was a good friendship.

Once upon a time, we both cared.

I still do, even though I can't any more

Because you chose Pete too.

But I thought

Even so

We'd do better than that.

[sunnycat]

Chloe is missing her best friend and has decided that the only solution to making high school survivable is changing to the other school available to her. Which is a worse school in many ways. But it has her best friend at it.

It's a lot to navigate. Pete is out of his depth. I am too, but from a distance. We're trying our best and I guess that's all we can do.

[sunnycat]

I went to counselling. We went to the hard place and I think we maybe unlocked a door so maybe that's an actual step on that journey and so maybe over time it will wander along now as things do and maybe eventually I'll get somewhere with it. Anywhere. Who knows where. Eventually. Even just understanding why I never let it go anywhere helps. And baby steps are still steps and they still get you somewhere.

It was a hard one tonight. I'm glad I have somewhere to land gently this evening.