Sometimes it feels like i dont have anything to say to anyone, yet im exploding for anyone to have a stimulating conversation with me. Do we have anything in common, or do i just take care of you? Do we have conversations or is it forced small talk? distant friends who live together and touch. Then again the touch isnt even that good. Maybe for you, maybe i make you feel loved. Thats what ive always been good at, making people feel loved. I will take care of you, fiercely love you even if i dont know you and you dont deserve it. Its like scattering flower petals as i walk. sure its lovely to look at but the flower had to die to give you the petals. Plucked, cut up, and used for such small satisfaction.
While driving today i reflected on myself as i often do. this time more inquisitive than judgmental. Do i have any hobbies and what are they? Im still pondering this question. Cleaning? Watching movies? Getting high? What do i really even do? Who would be interested anyways? What is so stimulating about me? Sure i have a lot of things i want to do. I want to find my medium in art and i want to create something. I want to have a garden and i want to have house plants. I want to go to parks and go on walks and have a dog and live life, but what do i do instead? nothing. Maybe ill read into something i see online, or watch a video essay on youtube, that doesnt mean i am i smart, and that doesnt mean i even retained any of that information,
i know the “it girl” thing is trending and is also already very broken down. This isnt some riveting thing that im thinking about. I just thought that by 25 i would have done something for myself, maybe had some sort of routine, something to keep me healthy. Do i even have passion? I often find myself dreaming and imaging that i am already “ that girl “ and that i will one day stumble into that life, like it will just magically happen. I will be in love with everything i do, I will love life and my partner and life will feel the way it does when i romanticize it.
Am i held back? I have goals and i know that i am capable of doing things by myself, i get more things done that way. I do the things i want to do when im alone. I dont feel as stuck.
Stuck.
If i leave this i will have no one and no where anymore. we are so intertwined. Who would hear me, who would love me or invite me without you? Really im just a plus one. Im the shadow,. It reminds me of the first time i ever went to a party and the guy who took me (who onlt took me bc he wanted to fuck me, not becuase me knew a single thing about me at all) shushed me every time i spoke. he wanted me to be background noise. Later in the night, while we were walking home, i asked him if he realized he had been shushing me. “Oh im so sorry!” he exclaimed. I still fucked him. I still took care of him. I got sushed in return.
the point of this was to get it all out and it feels like i have but not in a good way. It feels like ive got what was flooding me out but i didint get to feel the good part. where is my release? and maybe one would say that this is just the top layer of healing. and you have to keep going, but i understand what i have done to myslef i have done the deeper healing i know what im doing. I choose peoeple who will never fully love me bc they dont fit with me, because they will always choose something or someone else over me. Beacuase i choose people who need help bc i need someone to help me. but i refuse to help myselkf or let anyone help me. i refuse to ask, i cant even physically ask for it. i wont even move my lips to ask someone to stop the car to go to the bathroom for chirst sake, Im a sham of a strong person and i wish someone would see that and just take care of me and give mw the love that i give everyone else. i want someone to hold me, i want someone to write me love letters and that thiks im funny and wants to have conversations and take pictures of me and thinks im their muse and i want the love to see im movies and read about im books but i cant even make it it work.
am i unlovable bc i dont even love myself? i just want to be seen and heard by you, i want you to know how much i love tou and i want you to love me that much back.. please love me that much back..
