Sunshine Circusworld Clownimal Hotel & Nonsensical Tropical Resort 🔆🎪🐾🏨🎉🏝️ is a fictional world created by @maxpawb which was developed to explore themes of inner turmoil & trauma, cycles, and chronic pain/disability, for the purpose self-exploration and self-healing through artistic expression. This project has since become more loose and fragmented since its conception, as we realized that half of the 'characters' themselves turned out to be living fragments of the author's psyche, who have now grown separate from the 'characters' of the initial work, but nevertheless we want to continue this artistic endeavor whenever we are able to. Activity will be sporadic and inconsistent, world building and characters will be unusual and nonsensical in nature 🌈🐾🎉
⚠️This project is recommended for audiences 16+ for themes of trauma (neglect, abuse, violence, etc.), death and grief of pets & family members, mental health struggles, self harm, substance use & misuse, strong language, and some suggestive references/mild nudity/references to sexuality. No explicit illustrated genitalia or erotic contents will ever be posted on this blog.
I wrote this last night! All contents, formatting, characterization, and settings are subject to change. Nothing is set in stone. I am also a novice writer, so unsolicited criticism isn't something I'm interested in / I'm still rather insecure about my writing and as a result, what would be the most beneficial for me at this point in my journey would be to receive reader's impressions and thoughts, along with what parts you enjoyed the most/you thought were the strongest or most effective rather than negative or constructive criticism :) I hope that makes sense & thank you for your understanding<3
Tom & The Circus Lion 🎪
⚠️ warning for descriptions of family violence & death
The Circus Lion.
The lion was born & raised in the jungle, just as all lions are. (Or so it thought.)
It lived in a den with its family, one littermate; brother lion, and their parents; mama lion and papa lion. Mama lion spent some time in the den caring for the lion cubs, but she also spent many long nights out hunting. Sometimes, she wouldn't come back for days. Papa lion spent seemingly all hours of the day hunting, and would come back at night to eat and then go to sleep early. As a result, the lion didn't spend very much time with its parents and instead occupied itself by playing with its brother. They played wrestling, hunting, pretending, and all sorts of fun things. Sometimes the lion played by itself too, by watching the shapes and colors of the jungle or by collecting and organizing the scraps of meat and bone on the floor of the den into different patterns and shapes. It had lots of fun doing this.
But the law of the jungle was made clear to the lion from early on: it is to Eat or to be Eaten. And Lions are Not to be Eaten.
Its brother lion started learning how to hunt much earlier than the lion itself, who felt fearful and cowardly each time it stepped paw out of the den. For some reason, it always felt a looming fear, that something big and bad, even bigger and stronger than a grown-up lion, was lying in wait in the jungle's depths, and surely it would find and stalk and hunt and Eat the lion. And so, it never did properly learn to hunt for itself. Meanwhile, its brother lion was becoming more and more vicious, and had begun hunting just for the fun of it rather than for food and survival. This concerned the mama and papa lion, who grew increasingly uneasy around the bloodthirsty brother lion cub and his sibling, the cowardly lion cub, leaving both parents not knowing what to do with the two lion cubs who seemingly were complete opposites of each other, and yet somehow the same in that they were both absolute "failures" of lions.
For, to be a lion, was to uphold the prestigious title of "King of the Jungle," and every animal knew that. Lions were feared but respected by all animals for their power, courage, and fairness, and for a lion to be too vicious or too cowardly was unheard of and unlionlike.
In regards to their two lion cubs at opposite ends of the "failed lion" spectrum, the mama lion chose complete denial and lived in a world in which there was nothing wrong with her cubs. After all, she gave birth to them, so they must be flawless and honorable heirs to the lion family. She continued to treat her cubs as if there were nothing out of the ordinary with their behavior, which only worsened the condition of each cub. As for the papa lion, his response was to flee. Once the lion cubs were of age where they ought to be able to fend for themselves, the papa lion left the den for longer and longer periods of time, sometimes only returning once every turning of the shape of the moon. It was on these days that the papa lion returned, and all four lions were present in the den, which felt as though each day was shrinking smaller and smaller, no longer the right size for the family whose cubs had grown so much, that the brother lion's viciousness came out in full force. He would stalk and pounce on both his mama and papa lions, of which both would fight back, all the while throughout these scenes of claws and teeth and blood, the cowardly lion cub would hide and listen and sometimes watch in frozen fright. It heard horrible yowls and screams of pain and anger and agony when its family lions would fight each other like this. It saw sights of blood and scratches and bites and ugly grotesque wounds. And these frightful and violent scenes were something which seemed to be occurring more and more often, and as such, the cowardly lion retreated and cowered further and further into the deepest nooks and crannies of the den in fear. At some point, the lion could not bring itself to watch such scenes any more, for only the sounds were enough to send shivers of fear down its spine. One day, the den was horrifically loud with roars and hisses, as it often was, until it wasn't. Until the roars suddenly stopped and the den was abnormally and frighteningly silent, aside from the heaving breaths of the brother lion, who stood over the bodies of the mama and papa lion. The cowardly lion did not see what happened next, as it dared not move from its spot deep within the den’s depths, but by the time the sun rose the next morning, it was the only lion left in the den.
All that remained were the scratch marks on the den walls, the splatters and pools of blood across any surface capable of being splattered, as the lion looked with a feeling of deep sinking sickness in its stomach as it saw the paw prints of its brother lion, leaving a bloodied trail out of the den, with no trace of its mama or papa lions.
...
Tom: I don't understand. Are you saying your brother, like, actually killed both of your parents? And ate them, too???? Are you serious?????
Lion: don't understand. Don't understand. Of course you don't understand. Nobody ever understands the lion. Do you know how many times its parents and the other animals in the jungle said they "don't understand" the lion? The lion's words? Its actions? Its entire existence being so unlionlike? Nobody will ever understand. You could never understand because you didn't have a brother lion.
Tom: [it's right, I didn't have a sibling. I was an only child.]
Tom: You're right, I'm sorry. I just, I'm trying to understand your story, but it's difficult for me to wrap my head around. Was this a story you're just telling me or was it actually something that happened? I'm sorry, really, I just don't understand....
Lion: don't understand... Don't understand.... Lion itself didn't understand either. Don't you think the lion itself didn't understand anything either??? Why it was so scared all the time? Why its mama lion acted as if nothing was wrong? Why its papa lion started going away for so long? Why its brother lion killed and ate its parents?????????
Tom: Sorry, I'm still trying to understand. Like, I just can't tell how much of this is metaphorical and how much of it is real. Did you actually grow up in a jungle?? And your brother actually cannibalized your parents??? I really just don't understand.
Lion: THE LION DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. THE LION DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL. NOTHING IN THE JUNGLE EVER MADE SENSE TO THE LION.
(The lion is crying now)
Tom: [Oh shit, I've really fucked up now, haven't I...]
Starlight: tip: questioning the reality of another is likely to result in unfavorable results including but not limited to: degradation of the mental state of the confronted individual, degradation of the trust the individual holds in you, degradation of the relationship between yourself and the individual,
Tom: [Oh my G-d, can you please shut up?!]
Tom: [None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I losing my mind?]
Lion: None of it makes any sense. None of it makes any sense. None of it ever made any sense. Nothing makes sense... Nothing makes sense....
Tom: [Can it hear my thoughts??? That's a scary idea… I really hope not. I really need to be careful...]
Tom: I'm sorry...
(Tom leans down and reaches out to touch the lion affectionately)
Lion: Do Not touch the Lion.
Tom: Ah- okay, my bad. Is it okay if I just stay here next to you? Is there anything I can do for you? Genuinely, I didn't mean to upset you so much. I'll try to be more considerate and careful next time... I didn't realize... I don't know... I ...
Lion: Okay to be next to the lion here.
Tom: Okay.
Starlight: tip: you are in a metaphorical philosophical fantastical world where "stories" and "reality" can not be easily discerned from each other and any given metaphors may not apply 1 to 1 using the logic of the "real world" that you are used to.
Tom: [Okay, okay, I get it already.]
Starlight: Also, it was rude of you to tell me to "shut up" earlier.
Tom: [...]
(The lion has somewhat calmed down now, and wipes tears and mucus from its face with its paws and arms as it sniffles.)
Lion: The Lion only learned recently that lions aren't meant to live in the jungle, but the savannah. Sometimes, it wonders what its life would have been like, if it had grown up in the savannah instead. Would it have ended up differently? Would it be better? Would its family have turned out differently? Would it be okay?
(Tom reaches his hand out to the lion and gestures an act of petting or patting in the air, while tilting his head, asking for consent to touch the lion.)
(The lion sees this and nods its head.)
(Tom pats the lion's head and scratches its mane behind its ears.)
(The lion starts to relax slightly and lets out a sigh.)
Tom: No amount of worrying and thinking of hypotheticals can change what happened. What matters is that you made it, that you're here now.
Lion: …
(The lion leans into Tom's hand, closing its eyes.)
i'm really sad that i lost so much progress on this project because my old phone broke and all of the notes & writings i would make related to this project were on that phone... i have to just come to terms with the fact that i'll never get any of it back and most of it is gone from my memory so it's just gone from the world entirely. it's frustrating. sometimes i can recall little bits and pieces of things i wrote, but i so badly wish i could have the written records for it again...
I'm back at home again.
I'm always coming back here. Sometimes it feels like I'll be stuck here forever.
[Tom is an androgynous male black-furred anthropomorphic tomcat with long curly hair. He is lying on his back in an unmade bed filled with piles of clothes and plush toys.]
The atmosphere is suffocating. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels real. I've lived here for so long and yet it doesn't feel like I should be here at all. The world's most foreign familiar home.
I can't bring myself to clean my room. My cage. Every day I lock myself in my cage out of fear. And yet of course, I am the animal responsible for taking care of itself.
I do try. I clean myself more than I used to, and I eat something at least twice a day. But it's so hard. I'm not living. This is not living.
I need to get out. I need to get out of here and go somewhere else. I need a vacation.
hi guys sorry for radio silence for over a year. basically it became increasingly difficult to engage with this story because it became too real. also like half of the characters morphed into their own beings who arent even like the characters anymore because theyre just me. but also not me. but also still me.
i kept feeling confused about why the stories and dialogue for certain characters seemed to come so naturally to me, while for others it felt like i had to actually think about it and strain myself to come up with things. it felt like some of the characters were just living in my head as their own beings who i could easily have imaginary conversations with, while others were just characters existing on only the page and required intentional effort to create them.
collection of quotes from maxwell 2023:
"i'm having a lot of fun finally allowing myself to be free and self-indulgent… oc world where all of the characters are inspired from different aspects of myself"
"I find it easy to write for Tom, Carousel, and Star Lion usually. But that's because they're the ones I've written the most for."
"it is semi-autobiographical in the sense that all 7 characters are based on myself in different ways, some more than others."
"they started as 'sonas'/representations of myself, but once i developed their world, i began to focus on each of them as a 'character' who mostly draws on a specific aspect of myself rather than my whole self (circus lion and star lion draw the most from myself i believe), and i've also altered some of their designs, roles, and personalities from what they were originally. in this way, i plan to continue to develop their original forms separately, which are 100% representative of myself while also working on my circusworld project and all of its characters, who are their own characters while also all having parts of me put into them. hope that makes sense LOL."
"usually things come into my brain when i'm able to enter a meditative mental state, so most of the recent work for this project has been done while on the train. i listen to music with one earbud and close my eyes, and try to visualize imagery or scenarios for the characters to be in. then, i write notes on my phone"
various drawings from maxwell 2020-2023:
-
anyway now that so much has finally come into place and changed in my life (but also so much feels the same still bc i'm always returning to the past over and over), i've felt drawn back to this project again. but it's difficult to figure out how to approach it. the 'characters' who come easily to me don't feel like characters anymore, and i don't know what to do with the ones who still do feel like characters and require lots of effort to develop. but regardless i really would like to return to this concept and use it again for its original intended purpose, which is self-exploration and self-healing through artistic expression.
