Lemniscate.

Aejey. 21. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Euphoria. Wanderlust. Dealing with the positives. ♔

[superaejeyy]

When you feel like giving up

Have you ever felt alone? Alone, in the most not literal way. You’re surrounded by people you don’t know. You’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. You’re bending yourself to get the pieces of you, scattered on the ground. You’re putting yourself back together. But then, it takes a toll on you. 

You are on the edge. And it’s either you’ll take a jump or a fall. You want to fly but you don’t have enough courage to spread your wings. Taking a look on your wounded knees and bruised heart, you tell yourself, “I can’t do it anymore.” Then, you’ll see the sky. You’ll embrace the beauty and hope that it brings. It still shines, so as yourself.

All these years, you made yourself stood up after falling. You should never doubt your ability to fly. Excuses are just excuses. What you really have is you. Keep that spirit burning and never forget to make it true.

[worshipgifs]

[superaejeyy]

Top of a cliff

I’m close to getting used to it.

I’m getting used to that feeling of rejection. Every time I enter this kind of world, I always get these butterflies in my stomach. I usually get nervous. Thank God, I don’t mumble. Also, it’s a good thing that I can answer questions well and speak thoroughly. Then, I’ll wait for the results and another sign for waiting calls. But I’d rather not wait for it. It’s a continuous cycle, and I’m getting used to it.

Here’s the thing, I awfully feel that I’m not good enough. They’re looking for the best and what they deserve. And I’m always not a fit for them. It breaks my heart, really. But what can I do? I just keep on accepting it, cry for a night and move on.

Patience is not just a virtue; it’s a real big thing. Without this, I’ll give up on what I want to be. But then I ask myself, what do I really want to be? Who am I really wanted to be? I think that I’m just getting all the excuse to help me find myself. And all I can see are failures, false hopes and broken promises.

I’m not close to it. I’m already used to it.

[animalsnaps]

[superaejeyy]

On the rocks

I’ve been in a relationship for more than seven years. Yes, seven years. Having a long-term relationship is never easy. It requires a lot of me, a lot of what I have. But I didn’t felt that this has something against me. This thing makes me feel good, all the time. And I can say that this relationship brought out the best in me.

There are days that we’re having a hard time. Like things don’t work out well and we’re on the rocks of our story. To tell you honestly, we came to points that everything is slipping away. It’s like we’re almost giving this up. It’s like we’re in between the line of working this out or putting an end to what we have. It’s not always about rainbows and butterflies. Storms and hurricanes definitely come, eventually.

What matters most is how we choose to fight for our love. It’s the only certain thing that stays. I think, this is the feeling that you get when you find your true love. This is the time when love doesn’t fade way. That’s what keeps us together. 

I believe that love is more than enough. Because when there is love, especially when it’s true, everything will fall on its proper places. There are struggles and obstacles but you can’t let it drown you or your relationship. 

All this time, this love helped me grow. I became more mature on taking the aspects that love brings. To make a relationship last for years requires three important things: patience, loyalty and commitment. Patience in dealing with the we-need-to-break-up days. Loyalty to keep your heart only for the one you love. Commitment in bringing the happiest days of your lives, together. 

Yes, we may be on the rocks today, tomorrow or yesterday. But we’ll never let this end. We’ll stay because our love stays.

[superaejeyy]

Solitude

I like being alone. I like eating my favorite food alone. I like walking down the streets alone. I like watching a good movie alone. I like seeing the rainbow alone. I like that subtle moment that I can be with me, just myself. I like the feeling that I don’t have to think of others, because I’m alone. I like seeing myself happy with things that I do, alone. It is a likely feeling for me to be genuinely alone.

Being alone makes me think of what I really love to do. This also makes me appreciate the people in my life even more. This gives me the fact that being happy requires you being all by yourself. By then, it will help you realize how lucky you are to have people who keep you in their lives, as much as you keep them in yours.

You don’t need to be with them, the people you love, all the time. Being apart is different from being separated. Distance and time is just a matter of how you deal with them. At the time that you’re alone, you’ll love them even more. Missing someone gives a lot of thrill that will make any relationship grow fonder.

I like being alone. But it’s love that I feel when I’m with the most valuable people.

[worshipgifs]

[superaejeyy]

What really breaks my heart

This past weekend, I attended the workshop seminar headed by my alma mater’s school publication (which I’m a former member of). They invited me, actually, to be a resource speaker in some of the categories. I came early and the program started late. Only a few members came to attend the workshop. The program, also, is a bit disoriented. So, I decided to help them out. I became their lady of the ceremony, resource speaker, facilitator/proctor, judge and consultant. All-in-one! That was never part of the plan but it’s totally fine. It’s not an old thing for me anyway because I’ve done it, couple of times, when I’m still part of the publication.

What really breaks my heart is the situation that the publication is into. I’m quite surprised that they got into that point, where everything is slowly shattering into pieces. It’s like seeing my house burn with fire. It’s more of a ‘back to zero’ stage of our lives. It makes me sad, really sad.

I’ve been a part of the school publication for my entire five years during college. And that was the happiest five years of my life. It’s a part of me that I can never let go of. It’s already in my system and will always be here. All the love, the passion and the appreciation that I have for this organization is extraordinary. It’s something that made me who I am today. This is really a huge part of my existence.

This is a family. I’ve rooted for this since I took my steps inside it. And I’m still rooting for it. I am always looking forward for more success that this will bring. I highly believe that students who made it to be a part of the student journalists are exceptional. This is something to be proud of. A member of the pub consists of talents and skills that will make him/her go places. This became not just an expectation, but a standard for me.

What now?

All I can see are young ones that are having a hard time to put up a published paper. It should not be that way. Being a student journalist requires a heart that is willing to give everything. This is not just a work where you should meet deadlines, obey your superiors or benefit yourself. This is doing the thing that you love and making it fruitful for others. Student publication is for the students, of course. We all do our works for this purpose.

The struggle is real but it shouldn’t turn us down. I’ve also experienced this in my long-term membership in the pub. I came to the point where I also want to give up. But what kept me going is the thought that I love being inside this. I made it from the beginning up to that moment, then why can’t I stay any longer and give this a happy ending? There are no excuses. If you love what you’re doing, all the answers to your problems will come out naturally. All the words that you need to write will sprung out perfectly. All the lines will fit the pages. That’s how it works. That’s the way it should work.

I am not disappointed or angry with this batch of student journalists. I just feel this pain because I can’t still believe that this is what’s happening. I want all our efforts to pay off. I want all our sleepless nights turn into happy days. I want all our voices to be heard. I want all our frowns turn into smiles.

This scene really breaks my heart.

[the-devil-beside-you]

[superaejeyy]

Good morning!

How to start your day? Take a little prayer. Thank God for waking you up, for letting you breathe and for another bright sun that shines around the corner. Give yourself some good vibes. Remove all the negative thoughts starting with preventing the words  no, I don’t and the like. Embrace the good in “Good morning.” There’s a lot of reasons to be happy. It’s just waiting for you to see, feel and appreciate it. 

Remember, you are a very very very wonderful creature. Somebody loves you out there. And that person can’t wait to see you smile today. Have a great day!

[animalsnaps]

[block]

[superaejeyy]

Having you...

Having you is like reading my favorite novel. I never want to close the book. I feel the words in each page. I feel all the emotions that doesn't fade. I embrace the excitement, thrill and romance. I laugh at those cracking lines. Most of all, I never want to see it end.

Having you is like taking a photo of a nice scenery. Slowly, but with every details upon it. I never want to close my eyes so I can see you clearly. I never want this scene to fade. I want to engrave it at my deepest memory. I want to take a travel along the path that this place is in. I want to stay in this scene, forever. 

Having you is like talking to a best friend. That shoulder of yours is the one that I want to lean on. That smile of yours makes every conversation last longer. There are no secrets. There are no false hopes. With you resides my safest haven. And with that, I’m always okay.

Having you is like writing. I am overflowed with ideas to utter, yet I can’t find the right words to say. I can secure my emotions within the blank pages. I let my readers to read between the lines. I want to share this happiness inside me. I maybe expressing thousands in each paper. Still, I’ll never get tired of doing this, over and over again.

Having you is not like having a better half, because I’m never a half. I am whole before you and will always be whole. Having you, honestly, is making a better one, a better whole. And with each other, we can do bigger and greater things. Having you is having the best.

[superaejeyy]

I love you. Yes, you. I love you!

[superaejeyy]

I can’t help but smile when I think about the people around me. Those people that makes me whole. Those people that keeps me going. Those people that supports me, one way or another. I just can’t find the right words to thank them for everything. I really appreciate how they turn me on when things are a bit off. They make me feel that I shine the brightest. I am very blessed because of them. Truly, they’re the lovely ones. 

[superaejeyy]

Carry on

Well, hello! It’s been six months since I last visited this blog. I’m on this moment of my life that I should keep going. I definitely should move on. It’s not the end, it’s just the beginning.

The past months became my preparation for the biggest examination of my life. That day came and I failed. Yes, I failed that “biggest” moment of mine. I hear my mind saying “Why?” or “How did it happened?” I can’t help but ask “Where did I go wrong?” I can’t say that it’s okay because it’s definitely not okay. Without my name in it, in just a few seconds, I felt that something shattered inside me. And like every heartbreak, I cried.

Good thing that I have the best companion. Somehow, they ease the pain. This is the very first time that I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to swim on a pool of liquor. I wanted to cry my hardest. I wanted to shout, scream and destruct everyone. I just wanted to empty this bursting feeling with me. Again, it’s definitely not okay.

As days passed, I realize that I should move on. Crying should be enough for a night. I should take things positively. Because honestly, there is no such thing as failure - only delayed success. I know, I did my best on this one but it’s just not right time. God answered my prayers but He said “Not now.” In His perfect time, everything will fall in its proper places. 

I’m on my way in putting the pieces of me back together. This won’t be easy, but it will surely be worth it. God has better plans. I believe in Him. The pain will heal with time. I’ll just keep on holding my faith and no matter what life brings me, I’ll accept and appreciate it even more. 

[overwhelm3d-deactivated20200430]