Yellow Fish Gray Fish

Acknowledgments  Thanks to my closest friends who supported me through all of these hard times. Thanks to the artists featured on my soundtrack for creating these songs that expressed parts of me. The yellow and gray fish represents me in the way that the yellow fish is my usual happy optimistic self, and the gray fish is me when I’m struggling with my illness. I usually don’t like to talk about this subject much but I’m learning that it’s okay to share :).  

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Titanium came out way before now, but I think of the song because it makes me feel hopeful and invincible. It makes me feel strong enough to keep going. I know that with the help I can beat my illness even when it tries its hardest to get me down.

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I am...

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See I don't wanna think of suicide

Isaiah Rashad

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I found this song again after forgetting about it for 4 years. This song describes me after getting back on medication and being hospitalized again. It tells of what happened in the past to make me this way, but it’s also like a cry for help. It’s a longing for a happier more stable life. It’s a confession of my struggles but with this comes acceptance and improvement.

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I used to send my friends this song and tell them that it explained my soul when I’m depressed because it did. The whole first verse is an exact explanation for the reasons I do some of the things that I do. Right before my second Suicide Attempt, I listened to this song heavily. I started to see death as the only way out. 

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17 came out August 25, 2017. I was starting my first semester of college. I was off my meds for six months and fighting for my happiness once again. I knew this album was about the artists struggles with depression, so I listened to it because I could relate. This is when I started to realize I was tired of the battle. Just like XXXTENTACION repeats how he is tired in the chorus.

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If I listen to this will I sink?

me

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With the proper help I was able to get my sanity back on track.

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Two years later my depression had began to reoccur more and more often. The illness was desperate and I was at the height of my madness. I was manic and I was every other raw emotion sung out in this song by Kid Cudi. At this point I realized that I wouldn’t make it If I kept fighting alone. I began going to a psychiatric institution instead of school, for a month. 

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The day of my Father’s funeral Ft. Most of his kids, my grandma, and my cousin (Far right)

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How can we not talk about family when family is all that we got?

Wiz Khalifa

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I’d never known been acquainted with death until my Father was murdered in July 2015. The person I was closest to on this planet was gone. Around the same time this song came out because Paul Walker had died as well. The song held values in it that my dad taught me growing up about my family. This was a turning point for my illness, after this it became consuming.

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Frank Ocean transferred his emotions into art, I tried to do the same thing as well.

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By my tenth grade year in high school I realized I was trapped in a cycle. I would be happy, I would sink into the void where I was only numb, or in despair. During the low portions of my cycle it seems like I would be on auto pilot and go through life without feeling anything. I used songs like these to get me through my episodes, but I still hadn’t gotten help or treatment for my issues. Novacane depicted the numbness that I felt.