"...My name is Natsuya Nijisaki, and I...I'm alive. Despite everything, I'm still here...I'm not going to fade away. It's...It's time to go home." {rp blog for natsuya nijisaki, shsl film critic. currently affiliated with doubt academy 4: rot. as well as this blog's url, i also track #natsuya nijisaki and #nijisaki natsuya.} STATUS: ALIVE | SURVIVED
INDIVIDUAL INVISIBLE: yet another natsuya nijisaki fanmix
[listen here] | [art source]
| {1. pity party- melanie martinez | {2. the outsider- marina & the diamonds | {3. iâm not okay (i promise)- my chemical romance | {4. camisado- panic! at the disco | {5. nerves- icon for hire | {6. self-esteem- andrew jackson jihad | {7. julien- placebo | {8. virgin veins- coma cinema | {9. ghosting- mother mother | {10. search ~ in the midst- akemi kimura (from âphoenix wright: ace attorney: justice for allâ) | {11. clint eastwood- trey anastasio (originally by gorillaz) | {12. iâm gonna win- rob cantor | {13. king- lauren aquilina | {14. kill all your friends- my chemical romance | {15. eulogy- frank turner |
â ââââ [STATUS: Friend Of A Friend; Begrudgingly(?) Respected]
âWell, you survived. I always had a feeling you would. IâŠcanât say I know decisively how I feel, about anything, but it isnât as if that actually matters now, does it? I doubt weâll be best friends anytime soon, but have a good life, I suppose. âŠAndâŠif youâre staying in contact with themâŠkeep an eye out for Yu and Asano, will you? Not that anyone like me needs to tell anybody like you that, of course.â
(mE RN)
Natsuya Nijisaki is an overanalytic man, both by profession and by nature. Always afraid of being hurt, he plays through every worst case scenario in his head with his relationships, always assuming far more about people than he actually knows about them. In the end, it all means very little, because, ultimately, he places far too much importance on emotions and bonds and imaginary situations that donât really mean anything, donât reflect real life, and exist nowhere but inside his head.
In some regards, far too much of that particular tendency applies to this mess.
Really, though, it boils down to this: Natsuya Nijisaki was (and, in some aspects, perhaps still is) absolutely, completely, utterly, and just plain very envious of Shoko Maeno, for pretty much every reason under the sun.
(Green-eyed monster indeed.)
âŠBut, of course, things, naturally, were not always this way! Everything considered, given how things often go with Natsuya and his relationships, perhaps it was always bound to end up the way it kinda did, but, to begin with, Natsuyaâs feelings were not yet iffy, but positive! He genuinely admired Shoko, and felt she was going to be a useful part of their hopefully inevitable escape from the lodge.
So, on that note, letâs start back at the very beginning!
Natsuya first encountered Shoko during the very first trial, for Yoshikiâs death! She stuck out to Natsuya immediately, mostly because she was providing the majority of the evidence and discussion, which Natsuya admired and respected! Since the whole situation was so horrifying and fucked-up, he thought it admirable of anyone to be able to hold it together on some scale, especially considering how high tensions were.
(If Natsuya had never spiralled downwards like he did, his opinion likely wouldâve been much more along this thread of thought during the mutual killing game. Granted, he still wouldâve been rather iffy, since his envy still wouldâve reared its ugly head and some aspects of his behaviour and personality and some aspects of Shokoâs just donât mix very well together, but it was his rapidly decreasing psychological state throughout the game that made his persecution complex particularly kick in, and without feeling like Shokoâs continued success and productivity only existed to mock him and his unchangeable uselessness, he wouldâve at least had a consistent amount of respect for her throughout their time in the lodge.)
Fun fact: Natsuya had no idea whatsoever that Shoko in particular was hiding evidence that trial! It was just a guess and deduction on his part that someone might consider hiding evidence. One, because it happens in the movies sometimes, and two, well, people here seemed to be getting real friendly real fast, and nobody wants to damn a fellow student to death, right? Friendship or no, all the same, the situation was fucked up as all hell and he doubted anybody relished the thought of damning a teenager to a fate like Brynjaâs, even if they had done something as highly questionable as murder, so he figured, hey, might as well tell people they shouldnât be obscuring the facts, yeah? The truth was the truth, and until something could be done, it was obvious that they would have to play this âgameâ of mutual killing at least once, and then they would be able to avoid having that happen again and working their way out. Hopefully. (That didnât happen, but a critic can dream.)
So, when Shoko revealed evidence she had been hiding that more or less damned the real culpritâŠNatsuya was kind of surprised and a bit put off, but he didnât think too much of it! After all, in the end, she came out with it, and that was what mattered. They had their terrible truth, and Noriaki Kato met his end. Disoriented and afraid and still trying to stay in denial as he was after all that, ultimately, Natsuya came away from the first trial with a positive opinion of Shoko, coining her similarly as he did Manoloâ he pegged them both as âintelligent, competent, and possibly trustworthy under certain circumstancesâ.
(Yes, he used that word. Trustworthy. I l a u g h daily.)
(In general, the Natsuya Nijisaki of before P.K.âs death was a far more reasonable one. What happened, trashchild? What happened?)
(A life crisis, psychological upheaval, and severe mental breakdown, but still.)
As for the second trial, which was the next time he saw Shokoâ given that he never properly encountered her outside of trialsâ most of what he felt was just! Regret.png, given his exchange with Misaki and Shoko that trial over the bruise on Misakiâs face. He felt really bad and uncomfortable just for asking about itâ he didnât consider Misaki a suspect at all, he was just trying to be thorough and cover all optionsâ and his discomfort and regret only increased after the two answered him with what happened, simple as it was. Given his own experience with getting punched and trying not to draw attention to resulting bruises (thanks, junior high school), he kinda related to Misakiâs situation over there, and felt really bad for pointing it out when he knew what that felt like. It was also after this that Natsuya began to worry that Shoko possibly had a grudge against him, for unintentionally dragging evidence out of her the first trial and then bringing up an awkward question to someone he later observed she was clearly close to the second trial. His feeling that she might have a grudge against him ended up being more a part of the escalation of his eventual Massive Salt, though, which came a bit later.
It was also either in this trial and/or the third that Natsuya noticed something about Shoko, which would be the very odd beginning of his growing discomfort regarding her! And that wasâŠ
âŠHer hair. Yes, her hair. Please destroy Natsuya Nijisaki.
The reason for that was that Shokoâs hairâ the whole dyed blonde with visible black roots at the top thingâ was! The same kind of hair Isao Ine had, even if in a different style altogether! And, since Natsuya is Mx./Mr. Projection Issues, this silently made him highly uncomfortable, and, as he would grow increasingly iffy about Shoko, he would kind of try to mentally link her with Ine to make her seem more âantagonisticâ in his mind than she ever really was, because Natsuya has basically come to see Ine as his primary enemy, even years later, because Isao Ine and company are the ultimate Them in Natsuyaâs Us vs. Them mentality.
(As it is, Shoko Maeno is actually absolutely nothing like Isao Ine at all in personality, mostly because Shoko Maeno is not a pissy thirteen/fourteen-year-old boy with a hypermasculinity complex, which is what Isao Ine was/is. Natsuya is just completely incapable of getting past junior high school, and is, in general, a salty heck.)
Anyway! After the third trial, or at least by around the fourth trial, Natsuya began to getâŠunsettling vibes, about Shoko. Uncomfortable. Unpleasant. He wasnât really quite what it was, initially, just that he couldnât help but shake the feeling that sheâŠwasnât really paying attention to him? Had some sort of grudge against him? He wasnât actually all that sure (in actuality, most of what Natsuya thinks Shoko thinks about him is just shit heâs made up in his head to justify his salt, he has no earthly idea what she actually thinks about him except his own guesses), but he still felt that she didnât ever really respond to him much, considering she seemed to get information out of other people alright. It wasnât as if sheâd changed much, either. She was, of course, still as intelligent as he thought she was to begin withâ very intelligent. In fact, consistently more logical and rational than many of the students. And, naturally, she was very much still competentâ exceptionally so. She was, as anyone could testify, easily one of the most adept and notable investigators in the mutual killing game, and, in Natsuyaâs view of the world, he saw her as having something of a âprotagonistâ role within the murder game. She and her allies were always the ones laying out pretty much all the evidence, especially the most damning pieces, during the trials, and they always found everything that was of actual note. Natsuya investigated, too. Every single week, in fact. And yet, he continued to be always too late, always never finding anything of any real use or note. It wasnât for lack of trying, or because he didnât careâ because he he very much tried, and he very much cared. But he never got anywhere, and smarts werenât much use if you couldnât even find anything. But he noticed that Shoko always did, and was always useful, and always, consistentlyâŠ.respected. Or, at least, respectable. And so soon enough, simultaneously slowly and all at once, his admiration faded for something else to hit like a sleight trainâ
THE MASSIVE SALT.
âŠOr, basicallyâŠas I mentioned from the very beginning, and as Iâve been trying to get to this entire timeâŠquite simply, Natsuya is very envious of Shoko! As jealous and bitter as all get out. To be honest, Shoko isnât exactly unique in this regard: Natsuya is envious of almost everyone to some degree, and it is very rare for Natsuya to admire someone without it eventually turning into a nasty, bitter, emotionally draining envy; itâs just that the lampworker got the brunt of his envy in his mind, and was a particular case where he pretty much envied her forâŠeverything under the sun and more, to the point youâd actually be pretty hard-pressed to find anything he didnât resent her for on some level. Natsuya hates it when anyone outdoes him, because he very much wants to be the smartest person in the room and by doing so gaining peopleâs respect and attention, and so when Shoko continued to go above and beyond each week, while he continued to produce absolutely nothing of worth despite his consistent and dedicated efforts, he grew very, very sour, to say the least.
He resented her for being intelligent. He resented her for being competent. He resented her for being resourceful. He resented her for having allies. He resented her for staying unattached. He resented her for being distant. He resented her for not crumbling easily, while he fell apart completely from the inside out. He resented her for garnering attention he did not. And, most of all, he resented her for being someone worthy of respect. Even he respected her, despite his green-eyed envy. All Natsuya has wanted, his entire life, is not to be judged as his mental and emotional instability and only his mental and emotional instability, but to be respected and taken seriously rather than constantly overlooked, for his virtues and strong points, and to see someone else respected and respectable for virtues he felt that he could easily possess, it made himâŠwell. Resentful.
(And was he envious of her friendship with Misaki? Mother of God, yes. While he would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, eeeeeeeever admit to it out loud, that was one of the things he was most resentful about. As well as seeing just how much they were able to accomplish as a duo (and sometimes as a trio with Alice, but Natsuya tries not to think about Alice too much because she scares the ever-loving shit out of him), there was an added edge by the fact that Misaki was someone Natsuya respected and admired and liked very much in general, and while knowing their relationship was founded on cautiously optimistic pragmatism for the most part (and movies), he still entertained the idea that they could be Proper Friends one day, and while he knew it was not really relevant and he tried not to think about it too much because it wasnât his business, seeing them have such a positive and working friendship made him. Upset, because he doesnât think he could ever have anything like that with anyone. It also helped that, because Natsuya legitimately respected Misaki and Shoko, he took them into account more, so to speak, so he took their friendship more seriously than many of the others forged by different students, so when Natsuya, to combat his own misery and frustration at the fact that he was unable to make any real friendships, meaningful or vapid, by pretending it was better to be an outsider and tried to dismiss the majority of the class as bleeding heart fools and their relationships as idiots desperately clinging onto each other for a quick emotional fix, expecting it all to last forever when theyâre all inevitably about to die pointlessly within the week, he still saw Shokoâs and Misakiâs friendship as slightly more âlegitimateâ than most. Which is all really quite a trashy viewpoint for him to have, but hey, Natsuya is basically the Saltiest Man Alive, so.)
(When he much later observed that Shoko and Yue You also seemed to have some sort of friendship, that also made him just a little bitter, but less so because Natsuya was less resentful than he once was by that point. He wasnât even surprised, though, really. By this point, Natsuyaâs pretty much convinced Shoko Maeno only exists to piss on everything heâs ever accomplished ever by one-upping him in it.)
He couldnât see why she was so special, eitherâ or, rather, he was frustrated with exactly how she was able to garner attention and allies, when in his eyes, she didnât seem that out of the ordinary. She was average in appearance, and had a standoffish personalityâ what exactly was the great shakes about Shoko goddamn Maeno? How was she able to have unshakeable friends when she wasnât any more spectacular a sight than he was? Was it because she was just quicker to the punch with investigation, therefore being more useful because she took everything? Or was there some amazing factor he was missing, here? He knew, really, that the reality of it was that he knew nothing about Shoko, but ultimately, he wanted someone to mentally direct his frustration and irritation and upset at, and, being goodâ not just âgoodâ, better than himâ at things he longed to try his hardest at and be recognised for, she was just the easiest silent target.
And as time went on, he grew to be even envious of all the aforementioned, thanks to his growing emotional instability. No matter how hard he tried to measure up, it was never enough, nothing he said ever really meant anything. In truth, a lot of his later jabbering was born out of a yearning for something he said to be actually heard, especially by the (numerous) people he was convinced were ignoring him. Even negative attention, even so much as a âshut the fuck up, Nijisaki, you pretentious, self-righteous piece of shitâ would have been better than nothing, but, naturally, nothing really happened, and so Natsuya plummeted further and further into his athazagoraphobia-induced downwards spiral.
(On one hand, he was slightly disappointed Shoko was absent for the only little spiel of his that actually mattered, but at the same time heâs intensely glad that she wasnât present that sixth trial, given his miniature breakdown towards the end, and sheâs one of the absolute last people he would want to see him in any sort of unstable state along those lines.)
Anyway, back to the timeline of events in Pars Venatic at large!
So, the next time that Natsuya had anything significant to feel about Shoko was during the seventh trial, which wasâŠhooooo boy.
As it happens, Natsuyaâs ratherâŠirate disposition and general pissed-off demeanour was not completely because of Shokoâs actions regarding the whole taking-Iori-hostage plan, especially given that everyone on the whole was not exactly receptive to the idea, and it backfired more than it worked, really. While he did still think it was a terrible idea and a pointless potential risk of Ioriâs life if things went wrongâ while Natsuyaâs feelings about Iori were and areâŠcomplicated, to say the very least, he was determined to protect them and make sure they got out alive safe, even despite their questionable decisions, and Shokoâs plan was blatant jeopardy of thatâ he was actually much more angry at those who started voting for Shoko!  Sure, he wasnât exactly her biggest supporter at that very moment (Yue Youâs outburst echoed his own feelings, as he thought it), orâŠever, really, but the point of the trials was to find out the damn culprit, not engage in pointless petty revenge voting, and, even if his anger that trial was largely a last desperate dash to be noticed and heard, he still thought it was a slap in the face to Koâs memory to derail his mess of a trial by trying to get killed someone who was not only one of the primary investigators, but also someone for whom there was no evidence pointing to her as the killer. Really, even if the chaos didnât end, it was a relief to finally be able to vote for Kenshin, and actually find the actual killer.
Of course, even if he wasnât as angry about her as he couldâve been, it didnât change the fact that his current opinion of her wasnât getting any higher. Even if he couldnât place much of a reason behind it besides his heavy burden of resentment and inability to really understand why she was who she was, he didnât like Shokoâs attitude, and, having left the seventh trial feeling bitter and frustrated and just plain sick of everything, especially of the constant horror he was forced to endure and of the fact that not a damn soul seemed to ever actually listen to a word he said, he felt tired of trying to remain courteous with everyone, and just wanted everyone toâŠwell, fuck off and leave him alone, more or less, because he wasnât feeling particularly fond of anyone who wasnât Yue You, Misaki, and/or maybe Sunny at the time.
So, since Shoko was always one of the more frequent mental targets of his bitter sniping, and since she, in his mind, embodied the exact kind of attitude that just bugged himâŠshe kind of went on his mental shitlist for a while, really, along with Tsumiko, Kenshin, and Minoru. He didnât really expect his opinion to change? ButâŠit did. Well, in a way, at least.
NOWâŠTO GET TO THE EIGHTH TRIAL AT LAST BC IâM WRITING WAY TOO MUCHâŠ
Well, things started off per normal. He saw Shoko around during investigation, she dished out some evidence, all the usual affairs, really. In truth, he was more distracted at the time by Iori, who was acting in a âŠdisconcerting manner, to say the least. As well as the fact that Natsuya was an initial suspect, which caught him up, as well. âŠThen things began heating up.
âŠAnd then Iori just kept on going with the âShitko Maenoâ thing, which resulted inâŠwell.
Seeing Shoko seem almostâŠemotionally distressed felt strange to Natsuya, and he was almostâŠdisconcerted? And most of all, he felt sorry. Having been irritated by and resentful of Shoko as long as he had, heâd sort of blown her and her relevance to him out of proportion in his mind, and seeing her react to something in a way he wouldnât expect her to kind of ended up reminding him of something.
That âsomethingâ being, ââŠYou know, I really donât know anything about Maeno, do I?â
Because he didnât. He had no idea what kind of person Shoko was, even in comparison to the others, aside from what heâd basically presumed and made up about her in his head to justify his envy. In that manner, she kind of became less of an Actual Person and more of a bitterness-inducing force of nature in his head, and ultimately, he was reminded that Shoko was...well, just another human being, really. Natsuyaâs spent his whole life being conscious of people judging him without really knowing anything about him, and it was something of a sobering moment realising heâd been doing the same thing to Shoko, essentially.
In hindsight? He regrets not doing anything to help her during the investigation-- given that heâd seen what she and Alice had been doing at the time, since he passed by her a couple of times-- or during the trial, or...anything, really. At the time, he figured that sheâd rather her actual friends and allies helping her out than someone like him-- plus, a tiny, very bitter part of him that can never be the better man was busy ruefully mulling how if he was in her position/state he would probably never have the same kind of help nor defence, but that, unlike usual, was not at the forefront of his mind much at all--, and Yue You pretty much said all heâd wanted to say to all parties involved, but it weighed on his conscious a little, nonetheless. If there had been a ninth chapter, he wouldâve tried to find some way to apologise to her...in Natsuyaâs weird, awkward, roundabout, avoiding-any-actual-face-to-face-interaction kind of way. It probably wouldâve manifested in him trying to get something useful from the Monomachine and attaching it with a note apologising for any possible disruption he mightâve caused previously and offering his aid should she ever need an extra hand with something, if all other useful people were unavailable. Granted, he wouldnât expect anything out of it, or that sheâd actually pay attention to it all-- mostly, it would just be to get his ever-so-slightly nagging tinge of guilt off his mind, with a one-in-a-thousand chance of being useful.
As far as canon goes, though...by the time endgame came, he simply respected her choices to do what she did. He was still bitter about it all-- very much so-- but his previously mentioned begrudging respect for her floated more to the surface of his thoughts. He may have resented her to Hell and back for it, but he would never claim that she was anything but an incredibly competent person, admirable in her efforts to get herself and the group out-- and while it stung to think about, he thinks that Misaki and Yue You were very lucky to have a friend like her, and if they like her, well, thatâs good enough for him, then.
(Quick note, since I canât figure where else to put this: pre-despair, Natsuya wouldnât have any issue with Shoko! His saltiness arose almost entirely because of the situation, and at school, he wouldâve been fine with her. While probably not particularly close to her, he wouldnât mind speaking with her? And wouldnât notice her taking time to remember who he was, at least for a while, given that without the killing game pressure, Natsuya himself took some time longer to remember all his classmatesâ names, anyway.)
After it all, Natsuya...tries not to think about Shoko too much, really. He doesnât forget about her of course-- Natsuya Nijisaki never, ever forgets. (Not to mention that his PTSD wonât let him, given that Shoko, unfortunately, occasionally features in his frequent nightmares and hallucinations.) But, while he does genuinely respect her efforts during the game, thinking about her brings up a whole lot of bitterness and hurt and pain heâd rather store to the back of his mind, so he tries to focus himself on getting where he needs to be. He occasionally wonders how sheâs doing-- and hopes sheâs doing alright, wherever the Hell she is-- but, ultimately, she went her path, he went his, and, despite all the strange, leftover feelings on his conscious even still, he supposes that, really, is the end of that.
(In summary, after the heap of words above that took months for me to finally finish: If he was ever in the same room with her ever again, heâd...
This only has ÂŒ to do with Doubt Academy 5, but anyway: donât let this cute moment fool you, these four were responsible for KILLING people in a recent mafia game! From left to right, Doubt Academy 4 Rotâs Natsuya Nijisaki, Doubt Academy 4 Rubbleâs Bambi Sindrisson, Doubt Academy 3 Omegaâs Aqua Ooshima, and Doubt Academy 5 Kazeâs Kaya Hanamoto.  Justice Squad !!
i still have to talk to ppl abt postdespair & all (hell i still have to figure out what natsuya even begins to do because jesus christ this kidâs a man on a mission and has a l o t to get to) but i can at least tell you smth abt his appearance
since natsuya nijisaki is long past giving a shit about society norms and what people will presume regarding his appearance, he decides to finally grow his hair long like heâs always wanted! (he also may or may not dip dye it or smth bc his cousin kouki did that and he thought it was a Cool Aesthetic)
he also by-and-large ditches his contacts? since as well as #aesthetic he had a personal reason for wearing them (distancing himself from his mother, who is incredibly alike to him in both facial and personality aspects, the reason why their relationship went so sour for a while to begin with is a story for another post) that. no longer applies. so he only wears them sometimes. he starts wearing lots of long black coats and generally looks ~mysterious~ (and a bit like his dad)
in general he aims to look more androgynous n stuff -_- at some point in the future it probably hits him that heâs Not Completely Cis Male but never quite hits on a term that completely gets him so he just personally refers to his gender as âalmost maleâ
TROUBLESOME/TROUBLED: another natsuya nijisaki fanmix
[listen here] | [art source]Â | [disc one]
"...A slip of a boy in a blue jacket, skinny and small and mostly very quiet."
[track list + lyric snippets under the cut!]
{1. the end.- my chemical romance
so throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot
you might wake up and notice you're someone you're not
if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see
you'll find out first-hand what it's like to be me
so gather 'round, piggies, and kiss this goodbye
i'd encourage your smiles, i'll expect you won't cry
{2. numb- marina & the diamonds
forgo family, forgo friends
it's how it started, how it ends
i can't open up and cry
'cause i've been silent all my life
{3. the prayer- k.t. tunstall (radio live lounge version)
is it so wrong to crave recognition?
second-best, runner-up
is it so wrong to want rewarding?
to want more, to want more than is given to you
{4. the trouble of dripping wet sun- kenshi yonezu
[japanese; lyrics here are translated]
carrying the brilliantly shining sun, the weather's nice today
let's go out and play, commit more mistakes
keep going down that narrow path
and we'll erase the tortuously painful days
and we'll erase the days of tortuously painful experiences
we don't need 'em, throw it all away!
{5. ghost- mystery skulls
iâve been feeling like a ghost
and it's what i hate the most
guess i'm giving up again
and this time, this time, this time
this time, i might just disappear
{6. centuries- fall out boy
and i can't stop 'til the whole world knows my name
'cause i was only born inside my dreams
until you die for me, as long as there is a light, my shadow's over you
'cause i am the opposite of amnesia
and you're a cherry blossom
you're about to bloom
you look so pretty, but you're gone so soon
{7. i can't decide- scissor sisters
i've got to hand it to you
you've played by all the same rules
it takes the truth to fool me
and now you've made me angry
{8. paris is burning- st. vincent
enclosed in this letter, there's a picture
black and white for your refrigerator
sticks and stones have made me smarter
it's words that cut me under my armour
{9. the happy nihilist- the classic crime
i've taught this to myself, piled books up on the shelf
but it still hurts like hell to trust nobody else but me
{10. infinitesimal- mother mother
they say it started with a big bang
but they say it came out of a small thing
lately, i'm feeling like a big bang
'cause i've been making something out of nothingÂ
(like my soul...)
{11. grace kelly- mika (radio live lounge version)
do i attract you, do i repulse you, with my queasy smile?
am i too dirty, am i too flirty, do i like what you like?
i could be wholesome, i could be loathsome, i guess i'm a little bit shy
why don't you like me, why don't you like me without making me try?
{12. are you satisfied?- marina & the diamonds (acoustic version)
sad inside, in this life
i'm satisfied, waiting
are you satisfied with an average life?
do i need to lie to make my way in life?
{13. i don't care- fall out boy
these friends, they don't love you
they just love the hotel suites, now
i don't care what you think, as long as it's about me
the best of us can find happiness in misery
{14. afraid- the neighbourhood
when i wake up, i'm afraid, somebody else might take my place
when i wake up, i'm afraid, somebody else might end up being me
"...Athazagoraphobia. Noun. The fear of being forgotten, ignored, or replaced. See also: Natsuya Nijisaki."
[track list + lyric snippets under the cut!]
{1. that's not my name- the ting tings
people around got to find something to say, now
holding back, everyday the same
don't wanna be a loner, listen to me, oh no
i never say anything at all
but with nothing to consider, they forget my name (ame, ame, ame)
{2. huey newton- st. vincent
entombed in the shrine of zeroes and ones, you know, you know
oh, with fatherless features, you motherless creatures, you know
oh, in perpetual night, oh, it's terribly frightening, you know, you know
you got the pop and the hiss, in the city of misfits, you know
safe, safe, and safest, faith for the faithless
dim, dim, and dimmer, sucker for sinners
{3. echo- crusher-p
what the hell's going on?!
can someone tell me, please?
why i'm switching faster than the channels on tv?
i'm black, then i'm white--
no! something isn't right!
my enemy's invisible, i don't know how to fight!
the trembling fear is more than i can take
when i'm up against the echo in the mirror
{4. bad apple!!- rockleetist x ashe (original from touhou)
maybe it's a dream, maybe nothing else is real
but it wouldn't mean a thing if i told you how i feel
so, i'm tired of all the pain, of the misery inside
and i wish that i could live feeling nothing but the night
{5. help, i'm alive- metric
if my life is mine
what shouldn't i do?
i get wherever i'm going, i get whatever i need
while my blood's still flowing
and my heart's still
beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
{6. blame it on the girls- mika
blame it on the girls who know what to do
blame it on the boys who keep hitting on you
blame it on your mother for the things she said
blame it on your father, but you know he's dead
{7. the stand- mother mother
âtell me your fears!â
okay, itâs everyone here!
âyou mean, just all of the people?â
yeah, and all of their peers
and all of their pets, and their chandeliers
and their cigarettes-- i havenât smoked in years!
{8. the only difference between martyrdom and sui/cide is press coverage- vitamin string quartet (original by panic! at the disco)
[instrumental]
{9. this is how i disappear- my chemical romance
there're things that i have done
you should never ever know
and without you is how i disappear
and live my life alone forever now
{10. "from now on, we are enemies"- fall out boy
i'm just the man on the balcony, singing:
"nobody will ever remember me"
rejoice, rejoice, and fall to your knees
(for a)
lunatic of a god, or a god of a lunatic?
oh, their faces are dancing, they're dancing 'til
'til they can't stand it
a composer but never composed
singing the symphonies of the overdosed
a composer but never composed, singing:
"i only want what i can't have"
"i only want what i can't have"
{11. worried about ray- the hoosiers
the future's out to get you, the future's out to get you, oh
the truth be told, the truth be told
i'm worried about the future holds, the future holds
i'm so tired of being worried about ray
{12. fear and loathing- marina & the diamonds
i live my life in bitterness
and fill my heart with emptiness
and now i see, i see it for the first time
there is no crime in being kind
not everyone is out to screw you over
maybe, oh, just maybe, they just want to get to know you
{13. mama- my chemical romance
well, mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue
you should've raised a baby girl, i should've been a better son
if you could coddle the infection, they can amputate at once
I STILL HAVE A LOT TO DO WHOOPS BUT!!! If you would like a young trashy film criticâs opinion on your character (and trust me, no matter how well or not he knows you, he has an opinion because this is Natsuya âthinks over shit way too muchâ Nijisaki, and he has an opinion on all), then feel free to send in a â (or just the word âstarâ) for his lay-down on your own trash child! Slow as I am with them, I adore writing these, so feel free to ask. (Also, if youâre a Rubble, you can send one in and I can ruminate on how Natsuya mightâve felt about your character if he knew them (better)! Nice!)
(people i have already answered (but if you want to know if thereâs been an update since endgame feel free to send in a star 4 that!): hiyoko, sully, hana, malachi/shigeru, minoru/lyle, noriaki)
(people who have sent one in and are in my drafts: misaki, manolo, shoko, iori, p.k., yoshiki, cerys, rover)
[Monobear Theatre] | He Sleeps With The Fishes | Natsuya | [Execution Reaction] [ATTN: Sunny, Keita(?)]
Natsuya had spent the rest of the mastermind discussion scribbling like wildfire, eyebrows raising and narrowing more and more as things progressed, but nevertheless staying silent like always, because only the facts mattered, not his thoughts. He did not press his button to vote. There was no need to, because a majority was already being reached. The votes rolled in, andâŠ
âŠThey were correct. The mastermind was Keita Yamaguchi.
Keita Yamaguchi.
(The boy who was one of the few heâd talked to outside of trial more than once. The boy who he never quite trusted, but had been concerned for the welfare of, nonetheless. The same boy who had tried to verify his innocence in this same very trial. The same boy who he had genuinely wanted to help, and now, this was the result.)
(Great. Just peachy.)
ââŠYou canât be serious. You cannot be fucking seriouââ
Wait. Forget about him for a second.
Fukui.
Natsuya Nijisaki did not like Minoru Fukui, and Minoru Fukui did not like him. It was as simple as that. There was nothing he could say to him that would change anything. Fukui and Fujimoto knew what they were doing, and this was the price.
A part of him wished it didnât have to be paid at all, though.
True to his word, he had not moved from his podium, staying by Sunnyâs side unflinchingly. He was not about to move now, not when almost everyone else within her barest radius had left. Still, he had no intention to pry into her nor Minoruâs privacy, and so, when he approached her, Natsuya took a few steps back, turning away to indicate that he wasnât trying to listen in.
âŠIs this where it endsâŠ?
When the metal collar clenched around the marine biologistâs neck, the film critic stepped back to his podium immediately. If this (and whatever was about to become of Yamaguchi next) was where it all came to a close, then he would have to keep a close eye on everything.
âŠAdmittedly, he began to wince as he realised exactly what Fukuiâs execution was; a showcase of his memories, by the looks of it. HowâŠdiscomforting. It felt invasive, but it was no more dehumanising than all the executions that came before it, was it? He could only imagine what his own could have been like, if he had ever been the one the chain chose to take away.
He watched it all with a forced brave face, but cringed visibly when the jeering middle schoolers came into sightâ that was familiar, too familiar, maybe they were not all that different after allâ and he shut his eyes when Yuâs visage appeared, because, whatever reason she was there for, some things were best left unseen.
When the so-called Fukui Minoruâs last stand came to a close, Natsuya shook his head a little, looking tired.
He still didnât like the dead boy, and he wasnât going to pretend otherwise, butâŠ
âŠHis voice was lower than a whisper.
ââŠGoodbye, Fukui. âŠO'Hare.â
And that was that, he supposed.
But he had one more thing to do before he returned to the moreâŠpressing matter at hand.
Turning to his trial neighbour, his friend (well, âformer friendâ was possibly more appropriate now), his voice still low, knowing that it was now or never with this, regardless of consequences, he murmured to Sunny what little he could say.
ââŠListenâŠIâm not going to bother you for long, I promise. But if you want to, likeâŠjust beat the shit out of me after the trial or something, you can go ahead. I mean, letâs face it, I deserve it at this point. And also, IâŠIâll stay by your side, alright? If you need a hand, Iâm here to help you. AndâŠIâm sorry, Murdoch. That wonât change anything, but Iâm really, really sorry.â
He gave her a single, quick, hopefully comforting pat on the shoulder, but no more. He didnât want to invade on her grief.Â
He just wanted to let her know that he was there.
But, regardless of that, this was where it began. The last countdown. The grand finale. Whatever your term of choice was, it was now the time for this placeâs secrets to be unravelled.
He glanced over at Asano.
If this is where it endsâŠthank you.
Now, to the man of the hourâŠ
Raising his eyebrows, Natsuya Nijisakiâs expression was curious, his face tense butâŠresigned.
The time had come.
ââŠThe floorâs yours. What say you, Spectacles?â
He wasnât sure if his nickname from all that time ago was a slip of the tongue or purposeful, but it wasnât as if it mattered.
All that the Super High-School Level Film Critic could do now was wait.
Stock still, and perfectly silent, just like always.
i was on this blog randomly and i just wanted to say you know who did nothing wrong?? haruna kita. haruna kita did nothing wrong. she was just trying her best. i love haruna, pls save her
